The Vine: May 28, 2004
Dear AB Chao,
I have a shoe question that’s been troubling me for some time now.
I’ve been invited to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer, for which we
have to wear rather horrible “banana”-yellow tea-length dresses. We can
wear any shoes we want.
I’m only 5’2″ on a good day, and the dress also
looks quite icky on me. I’d like to wear some shoes with big-ass heels,
but I can’t really deal with stilettos because I’m on the clumsy side, and
I’d also really like the shoes to be somewhat fabulous because it might
just make me feel better about the awfulness of the dress. I envision
looking down a lot and thinking “well, at least my feet are cute.” At
least until the bar opens.
I also have a strong aversion to white shoes,
so my question is…should I buy a pair of yellow shoes I’ll never wear
again, and hope they match the dress? Should I go against all that I hold
sacred and buy a pair of white shoes? Or, I was thinking I could take the
pair of white shoes I already own from another unfortunate wedding incident
last summer, cut off the ugly fake flowers on the toes, and attach two
yellow silk flowers in their place. Cute and cheap, and I don’t have to
waste any money on shoes I don’t want and will never wear again. Of
course, just to make things MORE complicated, the bride thinks she “might”
want us to wear pink sashes, or yellow sashes, or white sashes, but can’t
be bothered to pick a color. So if it ends up being a pink sash (and we
have pink bouquets to match), will shoes with big yellow flowers on the
toes look stupid? Would the flowers have to match the sash and the
bouquets?
Thanks,
Wishing she had just told us to dye some crappy shoes yellow and be done
with it
AB Chao says:
Dear Please Don’t Dye,
Why the strong aversion to white shoes? As my dear friend color. The reason I say this is that
the best way to “match” yellow shoes to a yellow dress is to make sure
that you choose a different shade for the shoes. If your dress is
truly a banana-yellow color, then a pale yellow strappy sandal or
kitten heel (which is way easy to walk in, and a thousand times
better-looking than platform heels) will look sleek and elegant. And,
of course, ultra-wearable with the aforementioned jeans.
To answer your other question: If you end up wearing a sash — which
to my mind is total overkill, but I ain’t the bride, so who am I to
say? — I think bright yellow silk flowers will be a bit too much on
the white shoes. Re-evaluate just how cute the white shoes are without
the original flower; if they’re still hideous to you, see the first
paragraph.
And while I’ve got you all here: There is no need, ever, ever, ever,
to match one’s shoes to one’s bridesmaid’s dress. Just stop it, y’all. Bridesmaid’s dresses are inherently not the cutest, anyway, so why
should your feet have to suffer as well? They shouldn’t. And you DO
NOT HAVE TO STAND FOR IT. Death to dyed shoes! Death to them ALL!
I’d like to thank you, readers, and you, Miss Sars, for letting me be
your Booze, Shoes, and ‘Dos Expert these past two weeks. [“Any time, missy.” — Sars] It’s been
awesome. Ciao! (Not to be confused with “Chao.”)
Hi Sars,
I’m 24,
female, from another country originally, and here in the U.S. to pursue a
graduate education in my field of study, which is biology. What is my
problem, you ask ? It’s this — I have very low self-esteem. This has
always been a problem for me, but worsened after I moved to the U.S. I
did a master’s under a really horrible guy, who basically took a
hatchet to whatever sense of self-worth I might have had, and more or
less made me leave his lab after telling me about a million times that
I would never make it in biology, I wasn’t good enough at experimental
work, I should consider switching fields blah blah blah.
Although I am at a much nicer school now for my Ph.D, the fear of
failing still follows me around. I’m always afraid that I will screw
things up, and will be told I’m not good enough to be here. As a result
I don’t react to constructive criticism in a rational way, and get much
too emotional about it. This self-hatred spills over into other areas
of my life as well — for example, I have no friends because I’m convinced
I’m too dull and boring for anyone to want to spend time with me.
The frustrating thing is, my life has never been this good! I have
loving parents (admittedly, on the other side of the world), a great
boyfriend, and am in a good school. I wish I could just loosen up, go
easy on myself and have a good time instead of worrying so much. Any
advice you can give me would be much appreciated.
Thanks!
Wannabe Ph.D
Dear Wannabe,
If you have access to counseling services at your university, you might look into taking a few sessions with a therapist, to get things off your chest and to come up with strategies for short-circuiting your low self-esteem when it starts getting in your way. It’s easy to tell yourself, “Well, I shouldn’t complain, I have a pretty good life,” but if you don’t really feel that way, you might need some help dealing with why, and getting past it.
In the meantime, when you start beating yourself up all “I’m a boring suck” or getting defensive when someone corrects you on something, just take a breath and count to five or ten or whatever. Stop before you react; look at what’s really bothering you, and try to assess the situation more rationally. But check out therapy, too. Once you identify why your self-worth is so low, you can address it and start feeling better about yourself.
Dear Sars,
I recently told my parents about my wishes to join the military after
already going through with the process to enlist as an officer candidate.
They reacted very negatively, as one would expect, but they said some more
than hurtful things in the process, even the point of threatening to make me
pay them back for my entire college education “since I wouldn’t be using it
anymore.” If I go through with this (I have no commitment as of now), they
will withdraw their support of me and give it all to my brother, whose
pursuits they see as acceptable.
I know that this is an emotional situation for them. They protested the
draft during Vietnam so that people would have a choice about whether or not
they wished to serve, and I can see how they would feel put out by their
only daughter volunteering. This is my choice and I really want to take it.
I can’t help but feel betrayed as well. My dad promised me that no matter
what, my college education would never be compromised. I would always have
health insurance and some help from them monthly until I graduated. They
want to withdraw their support completely.
I’m in a bind. I love my family. I have a great deal of respect for my
father and what he’s managed to accomplish with his life; however, I know
that what he’s done isn’t for me. I’ve finally found a place where I feel at
home and where my particular talents and eccentricities click. I don’t
believe that I’m meant for the corporate world. My father would like for me
to take two years and to get a “real job” in the private sector. If I’m
unhappy, I can go back to the military without suffering their consequences.
I don’t know what to do, honestly. I know that I still want to go through
with this for me. I’ve made a lot of concessions throughout my life and I
don’t feel like I should have to compromise my career to prove a point. I
just wasn’t expecting to have to spend the money I’d been saving for an
apartment deposit on tuition so I can graduate. I wasn’t expecting to be
left without health insurance, or for my parents to give my graduation
presents to my brother. Basically, I’m allowed to do what I want, but
they’re going to make it as difficult for me as possible. I don’t think it’s
wrong of them to ask me to consider other jobs, but what hurts the most is
their constant diatribes on how “family will always be there for you” and
then their pulling this shit. I don’t know if I can trust them anymore.
Am I being a stubborn idiot? Should I take the two years as a gift?
Sincerely,
Outmaneuvered
Dear Out,
Okay, that kind of blackmail is manipulative bullshit. Subtract all the financial aggro from the equation and decide what you would do in an ideal world, and then…do it. But before you do, let your family know that you’ll do what you want to do regardless of how hard they try to make it for you…and if they do choose to make it hard for you, you will not soon forgive them. Call the bluff. If they stand firm and withdraw your tuition, well, it will suck, and it will suck to know that your parents suck, but if you give in, they’ll keep trying to leverage it for as long as you put up with it. Don’t.
Parents do this shit because, sadly, a lot of the time it works, and it really shouldn’t. Parents of the world, please, don’t pull that kind of crap. Don’t premise your support of your children on their doing everything your way; don’t only keep your word when it’s convenient. It’s mean, it’s unfair, and it makes you look like assholes.
Sars, since I am under the belief that you are the
queen of grammer, I can think of no one else who could
possibly answer this question.
I have a boyfriend who is not stupid by any definition
of the word, but let’s just say grammitically
challenged. Even by our senior year in College he
dangles modifiers, switches tenses mid-sentance, and
overuses “like” and “thing”. He likes me to help him
with his papers, by editing and sometimes fixing them
up a bit, but usually I find so many mistakes, or just
bad language problems, that I feel bad circling or
fixing them all. The problem is though, that it
REALLY bothers me that he sounds so uneducated when he
writes something, and I have this need to rewrite half
of his sentances.
I’ve tried teaching him grammer rules while editing,
but to no avail, as it does not seem to be working.
What can I do to fix this problem, without offending
him, and stopping short of rewriting most of his
papers, (which is pretty much what I do now)?
I don’t want him under the impression that I think
that he is stupid, so I need your help. I bet too,
that you have run across people like this before, and
was wondering what the grammer queen would think.
Thanks,
Dating “Your’s Truly”
Dear Truly,
Well, the thing is…usually I clean up grammar and spelling mistakes in Vine letters, but I left yours pretty much as I received it in order to make a point. Read over your letter. You misspelled “grammar.” And “grammatically.” And “sentence.” I caught at least four punctuation/capitalization errors. You are “people like this.”
Stop editing his papers. Please.
Dear Sars,
I have a few problems and I was wondering if you could give me some advice in what to do. I am a senior in high school and you would think by this time people would be grown up and be friends with everyone, but I guess that doesn’t happen. Anyways, I have been having problems with a few of my friends.
I have been friends with a girl named Molly since we started high school. We have always been very close, told each other everything, et cetera. Starting at the beginning of this year she became quite distant, she wouldn’t phone me, or when I wanted to phone her she would give excuses as to why she couldn’t talk on the phone with me, et cetera. In the past she would always beg me to come over to her house or go out. And once we went to see a movie and ever since then she never asked me to do anything. Also before we would share our problems with each other. Now she has just become an introvert with me. She doesn’t care about anything I say, she only wants to talk about herself. Also every few months our school has an activity and I would never go to these, and she used to always beg me to come but I couldn’t make it. So this year I finally came to one and it was so weird, she pretended she didn’t even know me. I found it quite strange. Also lately she seems to say things to me in order to put me down. And she finds ways to call me stupid et cetera. She pretty much thinks the world revolves around her.
I really don’t know what is up her ass. I have never done anything to hurt her. I am not one of those people that shouts out gossip to everyone. So I really don’t know what it is.
Also a problem with my other two friends. Veronica and Mariah. We have also been friends for quite sometime. We tend to do a lot of things together. But sometimes those two won’t invite me along and I know during summer vacay they did so many things without me and I don’t really think it’s fair; they are supposed to invite me along too, I mean, hello, all three of us are supposed to be equal. And once me and Veronica did something without Mariah and she totally flipped out; I felt like saying, how about all the times you didn’t invite me to go somewhere? It really pisses me off when people do shit like that, especially when they do those things themselves.
I really don’t know what to do with this. I don’t think it’s fair when they do things without me. What can I do about this?
Thank you for your time,
Feels Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Okay, for starters, Molly sucks. She’s not fun, she never wants to hang out, and when she does, she’s a bitch to you. No-brainer. Stop trying.
As for Veronica and Mariah…”all three of us are supposed to be equal”? It doesn’t really work like that. And, you know, when you and Veronica do something together and Mariah freaks, and then you freak to yourself because she and Veronica did something together without you and she’s a hypocrite…I mean, which is it? Do you want to hang with Veronica alone sometimes, or do you want all three of you to hang out all the time because that’s what’s “fair”? Because you did it to her, so you can’t really get mad if she does it to you.
And anyway, it’s not about “fair.” If you want to spend more time together all three of you, make that happen, and don’t get so insecure about Veronica’s and Mariah’s friendship; if they get closer to each other than either of them is to you, well, that’s how it goes sometimes, and it’s nothing against you. “But I feel left out!” Like I said, that’s how it goes sometimes. Mention nicely to them that you feel excluded, or make more of an effort to do activities with all of you, or fill the time with other friends and things to do.
You’re trying to put too much structure on people, holding on to a friendship that’s obviously dead in the water, controlling who hangs out with whom and when and for how long. Ease up. It’s not a contest. Just enjoy your friends and stop keeping score; you’ll be a lot happier.
Tags: friendships grammar retail the fam workplace
