I have been serious with the most wonder-ific guy since last July.I knew from the start that he was divorced and had a little girl.We took things concerning her slowly, i.e. when I met her, gradually spending more time with her, et cetera.The problem is his ex-wife.

She wasn’t the nicest person during their marriage, and I will forever be proud of the job Mr. In Love and I have done communicating to rebuild his self-esteem.She still knows how to push his buttons, though, and make him feel like a crappy father, since she can’t make him feel like a shitty husband anymore.

His sister moved to town a few weeks ago, on a weekend when he had his daughter.She was sick a lot of the weekend, and I was over most of the weekend helping with moving, painting, and so on.The ex came over a little early to pick up the baby, and I figured we could get the intros out of the way.I was tired of being afraid we’d run into her and she’d start something.We talked about it, and he agreed.Intro, blah, she looks at me and says, “I don’t want to deal with this right now,” I said, “Fair enough,” she walked out, and then told his sister, to whom she had been close, that she never wanted to see her again.Whatever else I’ve heard, that will always be my first impression of her.Regardless, I plan on being with this guy with no end in sight, and she will always be part of his life, so I’d like to be civil at least, and friends at best.

As a person who has been through four parental divorces and one who has a great family who learned to communicate fairly quickly (I consider myself as having two dads), I want to do my part to create the same environment early on for this beautiful little girl.There is, of course, that part of me who hates being disliked, even if it’s just the idea of me she hates.Any words of wisdom?

In Love With A Family

Dear In Love,

Who is it exactly that you don’t want to hate you — Mr. IL’s ex-wife, or his daughter?Because his ex-wife sounds kind of cracked, from what you’ve told me, and I don’t think it’s realistic for you to expect a friendship with her.Maintain as civil and cordial an exterior as you can around her, and stay out of any issues that come up between her and Mr. IL regarding their child.That’s the best you can do there, I suspect.

As far as Mini-IL goes, treat her with love and respect and the rest of it will come together, but keep something in mind as you try to go forward with this blended family — Mr. IL and his ex have issues, regarding their daughter and each other, that have nothing to do with you.Eventually, everyone will figure out their new roles and things will settle down, but there’s stuff here that pre-dates you, and you have to accept that and not force things.

I get the sense that you’re very eager for everyone to get along shinily and happily, which is understandable, but that’s not necessarily going to happen, and if it does, it’s going to take time.Step back and take your cues from Mr. IL.

Hi Sars,

I have a dilemma.It’s a relatively small dilemma in the world of Relationship Shit, but a nagging one nonetheless.Here goes: About a month ago, I was set up with a guy, “Matt.” We get along well, he’s awfully sweet et al., and there seems to be mutual attraction, so we’ve been dating this past month. Well, “dating” is a strong word, and that’s part of the dilemma.Everything seemed to point toward a dating-type set-up: we have a great time together and talk or see one another nearly every day; I’ve met and spent time with his friends and he with mine; and despite my paranoia-riddled personality, Matt has been so consistent in contact and attention that I cannot convince myself he is anything but interested in spending time with me.

But.

“Dating” is not accurate, and I can’t resolve our situation.We didn’t kiss until after nearly two weeks, including a weekend out of town with his friends, but I’m okay with taking things slowly.Since then, we have done nothing more — or less — than kiss/make out at the very end of however much time we spend together.One evening the subject of his ex-girlfriend was broached, and his brief speech on the subject subtly turned from “good riddance” to “relationships, bah,” with a “but I’m having fun hanging out with you” disclaimer thrown in.And then we made out.

This is all very consistent: I overheard him comment to a third party, “No, she’s not my girlfriend, we’re just hanging out.”But we hang out a lot, and he makes no effort to hide his happiness/eagerness to spend time with me.He doesn’t go out of his way to deny or define:his friends all seem to think we’re an official couple and tease us about getting married, or ask my permission when making plans with Matt. They say he’s proclaimed his happiness about his current life.For better or for worse, Matt has made no attempt to take our situation beyond the tongue-wrestling goodnight kiss.Other than that, we’re just “hanging out.”

We’re both mid-twentysomethings with enough adult relationship experience between us, so this smacks suspiciously — and oddly — of high school.

What I ask of you is simply your help and/or opinion on clarifying this situation.Is “hanging out” yet another phrase from the sexual lexicon unknown to me? Is he shy or nervous from past experiences, or is this the behaviour of someone waiting for me to make the next definitive move?I don’t feel resolved in this place, but is it possible that this set-up is all and everything Matt wants?I’m afraid to talk to him, lest I be making too big a deal and disturb our mutual nonchalance, however insincere.I am of an easily wrecked ego, and I fear I’ll soon take his anti-relationship mindset personally, in which case I might demand something of him or walk away altogether, ruining what is in all other ways a positive situation.

Thanks loads,
Nice Boys Confuse Me

Dear NBCM,

I honestly have no idea.I don’t have enough information.What’s the goodnight kissing like?Slow, lackadaisical smooches?Hot and wet with hands everywhere?Do you catch him looking at you often, taking you in, or is it all business?Where does he put his hands when you spend time together — on your back?On your knee?In his lap?

I mean, you’ve got a number of possibilities here — he’s not attracted to you, really; he’s shy and likes to take things slow; he’s afraid of getting hurt; he doesn’t want to take the relationship to the next level and deal with the commitment that would imply; he’s a virgin, he’s gay, he’s hairy, whatever — but you’ve probably considered all of them and you still don’t know what’s up.

From here, it looks like you need to figure out what you want from the relationship, because I don’t get a clear sense of that, either.I don’t know if you’ve tried to initiate anything beyond the kissing, or if it’s sex you want for its own sake or just to know whether there’ll be any, or how long you’d wait for things to become clearer…in other words, it’s entirely possible that, in acting so vague in that department, he’s taking his cue from you, because you don’t seem to know what you need or expect from him.

I mean, yes, “hanging out” is part of the relationship lexicon, but you don’t seem to know what it means for you, and until you figure that out, it’s not much use trying to parse him for the meaning.Think about where you want things to go with him, and how, and at what speed.Get answers for yourself.Then take another look at the situation and decide whether it’s right for you and whether you need to talk to him about it.

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