The Vine: May 30, 2001
Sars Dear,
In that same vein [as Sick Of Personal Questions], one of the things I truly hate from people is the overwhelming urge they seem to have to touch a pregnant woman’s stomach. As if brewing up a kid isn’t hellish enough, you have to deal with these morons who think it’s perfectly fine to touch a part of your body that they wouldn’t venture towards at any other time. I actually slapped my father-in-law’s hand when he did it to me, purely out of reflex. This is the same man who wouldn’t even HUG me until I got pregnant! Why was it suddenly okay for him to touch me mere inches from “My Wonderfulness” simply because I had joined the waddling ranks? They always get this hurt, offended, or angry look on their faces, like it is their right to touch you there! Why, why, why, people?! Do I come running up to perfect strangers and fondle their new breast implants? NO. Do I caress the recently developed beer gut of the gentleman in line behind me at the grocery store? NO. Why? Because it is totally INAPPROPRIATE. I know, to some people, that undulating mountain of living flesh is all miraculous and shit, but PLEASE.
If they can’t keep their hands to themselves, expect said hands to be whacked by the hormonal, fed-up pregnant lady they thought it would be fun to touch one too many times.
Sorry for that. Do you have any advice just in case I find myself being advanced on by a horde on touchy-feely strangers in the future?
Tracey
Dear Tracey,
You know, I’d considered adding something to my rant about pregnant women — because it’s a visible condition, total strangers seem to feel a proprietary right to give pregnant women advice, touch their wombs, and ask them all sorts of questions about their preferred method of childbirth and when the baby’s due and blah blah blah.
The next time someone advances on your uterus with an outstretched hand, or asks if they can “feel,” take that someone gently by the wrist and say with a smile, “I’d prefer it if you didn’t.” They will protest; do not feel obligated to explain yourself. Just repeat “I’d prefer it if you didn’t” as many times as it takes, and keep smiling.
And now, a reminder for the pregnancy-etiquette-challenged in the crowd: unless that’s your wife, or mom, or best friend, keep your damn hands to your damn self, and keep your words of “wisdom” on natural childbirth to yourself, and keep your guesses as to the sex to yourself, until she invites you to touch or to share with her. She knows she’s pregnant, people. Presumably, she’s got the situation under control, and even if she doesn’t, IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. A pregnant woman is not an exhibit at a petting zoo, and for you to presume that “she won’t mind” or that you “just want to express an interest” is not appropriate. If you really want to express an interest, offer her your seat on the train or hold a door for her when she’s struggling with groceries. But don’t touch her. You know how you’re not supposed to pat seeing-eye dogs when they’re working? Same basic principle. Hands inside the bus, please.
Sars,
Hi. I am in high school and I have problems with my parents. How original, right? Here’s the history: When I was ten, my mom came out as a lesbian. It was a shock and it took me a long, long time to get over it, but eventually I learned to love her the same as I always had before. My dad was heartbroken, of course, having to divorce the woman he loved because she didn’t love him like that anymore. After a couple of years, though, he met and married someone new, and we all get along well now. I respect her, and we have become great friends.
Six years later, he and the new wife have two little baby boys. They all moved to a house close to us (Mom, little sister, and me) last summer. The thing is, recently, Dad has been spending a lot of time over here. He and Mom started being really “friendly,” like taking long, lingering hugs and even kissing. It made me really uncomfortable so I tried to ignore it, but it’s been happening more and more. A few weeks ago, I heard Mom having a heated discussion on the phone with Dad’s Wife (DW), where it was apparent that DW was angry that Dad was spending so much time over here and that she knew about Mom’s behavior.
My older sister is visiting from college, and she said that, the weekend of the phone call, Mom had driven four hours to my sister’s college, unannounced, because she was so upset. My sister said that Mom said DW had accused Mom of trying to break up her marriage. Mom told my sister that Dad is the love of Mom’s life, and that she regrets losing him. To which my sister replied, “You didn’t lose him. You left,” which is true. But Mom didn’t listen. Even though my three parents have supposedly worked all this out, the behavior hasn’t stopped at all, and I don’t know if DW knows about that or not. It makes me so uncomfortable what Mom and Dad do with each other and they don’t even try to hide it at all. That is, unless DW is around. Are they having an affair? I don’t know if Mom is having second thoughts about her sexuality or what. She doesn’t tell me anything. But I don’t know if I want her to talk to me about it. We’ve never really been close that way and I wouldn’t know what to say. She’s become really moody and cries a lot.
My older sister is angry at Mom for criticizing her love life; she feels Mom is being a hypocrite and says the next time she sees Dad and Mom going at each other she’s going to call them on it. Should I leave this up to my sister to talk over with Mom? She talks about this kind of stuff with Mom more than I do. My mom is a very smart, sensible person and I love her but I’m pulling away from her because of this. My life had finally gotten stable after all these years and now it’s crashing down around me. I don’t know what to do.
Freaked and Confused
Dear Freaked,
Oh, Jesus. It’s a tough call: do you let her have it for muddying the waters and dragging your sister into it unnecessarily? Or do you keep your head down and try not to get involved?
Here’s what I’d do. Sit both your parents down and tell them that you don’t want to see the PDA between them anymore; you’ve had enough confusion and upheaval with them already, and if they must violate the marriage vows of your father, you’d prefer that they do it in private. Then urge your sister to tell your mother to keep her soap-opera bullshit to herself, because it’s wildly inappropriate for a parent to come to a child all “oh woe is me” in a situation like this one, not least because it puts the child in the middle yet again.
Your mother is a grown woman, and she needs to learn to start living with her choices. I know it’s hard to confront a parent about things like this, but she doesn’t walk the earth alone; her behavior affects a good half dozen other people, and she’s got to rein it in…and so does your father. Make it clear to them that you’ll love them both no matter what, but you and your sisters can’t take much more of the melodrama.
First of all, love the site. I’ve been reading it for well over a year, and I especially like The Vine. Now…wow…I finally have a situation where I need your sage and expert advice. So here goes…
I’ve been dating this great new man. He’s intelligent, he’s funny, he’s attractive, he’s kind, he’s generous…and he’s extremely sexually inexperienced.
In a sense, this doesn’t bother me. It’s kind of exciting to have a tabula rasa that I can fill with the sort of things that I always wished that men knew. He’s eager to learn, he told me that. But part of me is a little frustrated. I’ve been “around the block” (so to speak) more than a few times, and I don’t know how to deal with someone this inexperienced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to dump him over this. It’s a relatively minor thing. However, I sort of feel uncomfortable playing the role of sexual trainer. I don’t want him to feel bad or uneasy about his inexperience.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I should do to help him, er, learn some skills, without making him feel lame for not having any skills. The last thing I want is for him to feel embarassed about this. I’ve already very tactfully told him that he needs some improvement. Now how do I help him improve? I’ve never had to deal with this before, and I’m really at a loss.
Thanks (in advance) for your help,
Shameless Hussy Dating a Virgin
Dear Hussy,
Hmmm. Well, he’ll learn by doing. I don’t know the specifics here, so it’s hard for me to give specific advice, but I think you’ll just have to have a lot of sex with him until he gets the hang of it, and you’ll feel like an air-traffic controller — “okay, over to the right…no, a little further…okay, back a bit…careful, CAREFUL, enemy airspace! Okay, good, good, easy does it” — but it’s the only way.
Just keep telling him what you like and where he’s going wrong; even sexually experienced men need a little direction, because they can’t read minds. Eventually, he’ll get better and won’t need so much direction, but until then, he’s lost and you’re GPS.
Tags: etiquette sex the fam
