Dear Sars —

Since I think your advice is pretty grand, I thought I’d pose you my little dilemma. When I was a first year at my university, I became friends with a group of six people — three girls and three guys altogether. The two other girls and I lived on the same floor; I’ll call them M and K.

At the time, I considered M to be one of my closest friends. M and K dated two of the guys from the group for awhile, and when those relationships ended, the group fell apart too, unsurprisingly. I was still on friendly terms with both boys, which didn’t cause much tension at first, but by the end of the year, it became apparent that M and I were not as close as we once were. We had already arranged to room together with K and another girl from our floor, and I hoped that we could patch up any differences before then, in the hopes of at least being able to room together peacefully, if not continue our friendship.

I wrote her a long email about this once summer began, and she replied saying that she felt like we were good friends, but since she had distanced herself from our original group, she didn’t feel that we had certain things in common that we may have before. Part of what she was referring to was the fact that I don’t like to drink, and I’m not fond of the type of parties that are common to our campus. M’s ex-boyfriend was even more outspoken on the topic of alcohol (he’d had some bad experiences back in his hometown that made him uncomfortable with drinking and being around people who were drinking). She felt that she had missed out on some of the lifestyle of the campus, since she had felt like she shouldn’t go out because her ex and I never wanted to go. Honestly, I hadn’t even realized that this was an issue with her. I decided, though, that I would make more of an effort to be “sociable” and go out occasionally with M and K during our sophomore year.

This decision, however, turned out to be unnecessary. When we returned to school in the fall, neither M nor K seemed very interested in doing things with me. In fact, the three of us stopped really even having much in the way of conversations with each other. I would attempt to start a conversation, and get little or no response. I eventually took my frustrations to the guy who was still somewhat in contact with M and K. He told me that K had talked to him and said that she thought I was being an antisocial bitch, because I never came to dinner with them and I would come home and shut myself up in my bedroom. This surprised me a little, but I have to concede that she is right about those actions, although not about my intent. I never went to dinner because I had no indication that I would be welcome to come with them to dinner. (I know now that I was being a little silly and immature about the dinner thing. At the time, though, it didn’t seem that way. It’s not much of an excuse, but it’s something).And I came home and “shut myself up in my bedroom” because I had a very heavy course load that year and I was doing homework. When I do homework, I need my stereo on, and I didn’t want to disturb my roommates who were doing homework or watching television in the living room. I attempted to point this out to M, but I didn’t get anywhere with it.

Eventually, the living situation degraded to the point where I found it almost completely intolerable. M and K would come home loudly drunk at 3 or 4 AM on the weekends and wake both me and our fourth roommate up. We would mention that we didn’t care if they came in late, but we’d prefer that they not scream and yell in the living room or the bedrooms if we were already asleep, just out of common courtesy. They would call us bitches for complaining, and retaliate by being more obnoxious. For obvious reasons, I did not live with either M or K junior year.

Now, here’s the thing. We’re seniors now, and I will be graduating soon. I have not had a conversation with either of them for close to two years. I admit I have been somewhat bitter about the whole situation, and I now think the whole thing was the result of a basic miscommunication and general immaturity on all sides, mine included. A few weeks ago, I went to a reflection service that M played a part in creating. She said something during the service that makes me think she may also have regrets about the situation sophomore year. I have done quite a lot of thinking about it, and I want to send them both an email that apologizes for any part I played in making the situation worse. I had been thinking about doing this before I heard M’s talk, but I hadn’t come to a conclusion yet. One of my friends told me that if I think I might regret not saying something before I graduate, I should probably send it.

I know this email probably won’t change anything, and I don’t know that I would want to be friends with them again anyway. I would, however, like to be on a civil footing with them at the very least. This is a small campus, and most of my current friends have some sort of connection to the two of them. At some point, I will probably wind up at a party or some other social event where they will be present, especially since we’re coming to the end of our time at school and we all want to see each other as much as possible before graduating.I have declined certain invitations over the past year because I knew one or the other of them would be there, and I didn’t want to be in an uncomfortable situation.

Do you think it would be a reasonable thing to send an email to apologize? Or should I just let things go as they are? I’m sorry this is so long, but I’m really not certain what I should do. Thanks for listening.

Not So Sure

Dear Not,

Go ahead and send the email.If you don’t, you’ll always wonder if you should have, or if you could have handled the situation differently.I mean, I don’t think an apology at this point is going to change the day-to-day situation much, but you seem to understand that and not expect too much of these women.

I think you’d regret not doing it more than you’d regret doing it.At least you’ll have the gesture, even if it doesn’t work.Go for it.

Dear Sars,

I am in my junior year of college and the last thing that I’m thinking about is school.I can’t focus on academics, mostly because of the people in my life.My first year, I was lucky enough to meet up with some really great women with whom I’ve developed friendships of varying degrees of closeness.Of course, it’s just my luck that the two I’m closest to both went abroad this semester, leaving me with the other two.There’s T, a hypochondriac who throws herself at men in the most embarrassing ways possible, and N, who I like a lot but has a tendency to say things in such a way as to make people not want to speak with her.My problem?Staying neutral.T and N used to be roommates, but after a year and a half of that, they realized that either they had to stop rooming together or stop being friends.They stopped living together, but they are still friends.At least, they say they are.

It really upsets me that the three of us can go out and have a pretty good time, but when I’m alone with one or the other of them, all she can do is talk about whoever is missing.I agree that T needs to stop imagining that she is in love with every man who smiles at her, and that it’s sad that her idea of being in a committed relationship is one date.I also agree that N needs to start thinking before she speaks, and stop telling people not to be so sensitive, since so many people find what she says and how she says it extremely hurtful and thoughtless.

BUT…Sars, I’m sick of having these two bitch about the other to me.I don’t encourage them to talk about one another, and have always tried to change the subject when they start.Now, however, it’s becoming impossible to do so, as every word in the English language seems to have a direct connection to some new outrage on T or N’s parts.Me: “Blah blah blah lettuce shortage.”T or N: “So then in the cafeteria she just bites my freaking head off for NO reason…”

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to talk with either of them, because I think they’re both being silly.They’re not trying to make the situation better, since they never speak with one another about how they feel, so why should I have to listen to them whine?I feel like I’m enabling them, but I’m afraid that if I ask them to stop talking about one another, they will do the girliest thing of all time: get together and talk about me.Aaaah!There’s not much time left in the semester, and I’m just trying to get through with a decent GPA and most of my sanity.Should I risk alienating T and N and just ask them to stop talking about one another, at least around me?I know I might have given the impression that they’re my only friends, but they really aren’t; they’re just the people I know the best.I just want to be able to focus on my schoolwork and actually enjoy hanging out with my friends.

Please help me,
Trying to be Switzerland

Dear Switzerland,

Yes, that’s exactly what you should do.Tell N you don’t want to hear about T anymore.Tell T you don’t want to hear about N anymore.Tell each of them to talk to the other one if she’s got a problem and not to you, because they go on and on about it and don’t take any action and don’t listen to you when you talk and you’ve had it, so they can take it up with each other or they can keep it to themselves, period.Once you’ve laid down the law, enforce it.

Yeah, they might get together with each other and talk shit about you, but if what you’ve told me is any indication, they probably have already — and if that’s what they do, well, at least you’ll get a break from them talking about each other.

Share!