I have one word for Shameless Hussy: porn. My current boyfriend had limited experience with other women but you would never have known it, and it was because he enjoyed porn. It’s something they can watch together, and she can point out the things she loves and the things that only work in a porn movie. You get a good laugh out of some of it. It can be very playful and fun for both of them. She won’t have to feel like she’s constantly the teacher. They may find things neither of them have tried and can experience for the first time together. Worked great for us.

Daily Reader

I’m a long time reader and I love the articles and advice (and the Dawson’s recaps).

Okay, I’m 25, female, and have been out of the dating market since last year, when my last serious boyfriend dumped me. I’ve had a few guys interested in me, but in each case, I got a very strong “do not date” vibe from them, so I haven’t gone on a date for about six months. I have a lot of close friends, but I’m not the type of person who is always meeting new people, so I run across very few guys I’d be willing to date. It doesn’t help that most of the people I hang out with locally are married and don’t like going out dancing and partying, and I’m really starting to get itchy for a boyfriend (nothing serious, just someone to hang out with) and a really wild night.

So a few weeks ago, a friend (F) and I went out to lunch, and F brought along a co-worker (A) that he had been saying for some time that I should meet. A ends up being the first person I’ve met in a very long time that I’m really attracted to (definitely physically, and he seemed nice and interesting as well). After that lunch, I mentioned to F
that I thought A was really cute. F told me that A asked for my phone number, and asked if he could give it to him. I say yes.

Two weeks go by. No call from A, but I figured he was busy and/or thought I was busy (which I was). I go out to lunch with F and A again the following Friday, and because I’m in the jittery “why didn’t he call?” mood (you can tell I don’t get many guys asking for my number; this really shouldn’t have been this big a deal), I got a bit tongue-tied and nervous and was mad afterwards at myself because I didn’t really act like myself.

Another week goes by. I have long talks with a couple friends, and one girl brings up the obvious question: Why don’t I ask A out myself? I start thinking seriously about this, since people (especially ex-boyfriends, for whatever that is worth) are often saying that I’m so beautiful and smart and funny (trust me, I would not be writing that if others were not constantly drilling it into my brain; I certainly don’t believe it at times) that I will scare off most guys, and any guy who has the courage to ask me out right away is probably so overconfident that I wouldn’t want to date him anyway (case in point, my most recent ex). I mention to one friend (who has a lisp) that A has Tourette’s syndrome. She says that definitely could be affecting him not asking me out (speaking from her own experience of finding some things hard to say), and maybe I should just go for it.

So I email F and ask him if he thinks I ought to just ask a out. F just says I ought to do what comes naturally, and also says that he and A have not talked about me. He also said that since A only met me twice, he probably doesn’t really have an opinion about me yet. The only guys I’ve ever asked out, I knew fairly well from work or school; I have no idea how long or how well you should know someone you’ve met recently before you ask them out. F also asks if I want to go with him to a party at A’s house on Saturday. I haven’t been to a really good party in a long time, let alone one where someone I’m interested in will be, so I jump at the chance.

F and some his other friends and I head over to the party. One of the best nights of my life — I had just enough drinks to get me buzzed enough to really enjoy dancing and make small talk easily. A and I really start flirting and dancing with each other, and we eventually end up in his room making out. Which is really great for me, since I’m an extremely physical person, but haven’t had so much as a cheek kiss since May. A is completely plastered, while I’m sobering up. Which is fortunate, because he is blatantly telling me that he wants to have sex with me (but won’t force anything on me, which he didn’t; he always listened when I told him things were going to far one direction or another); I did want to have sex with him, but was not going to because a) it isn’t my style to have sex with someone I’m not really dating, and b) even if I were dating him, I’ve decided it’s a good idea for me to hold off longer for sex than I have been in my other relationships, because I tend to attach a lot more to it than the guys do and things get a bit messy. I would have loved to spend the night with him (but not having sex), but since he is telling me that he will want to have sex if I do stay, I figure it is better for both of us if I leave.

I’m trying to figure out if I’m just a drunken conquest or someone he would be interested in otherwise (he did, after all, ask for my number before all this), so I go out on a limb and tell him that I had been considering asking him out. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation about dating and sex with someone who is completely bombed and you are about 95 percent sober? I don’t recall what he said to that (must have been an incoherent mumble). Earlier, he did say something really weird about how, if we had sex, he wouldn’t call me the next day and ask me to be his girlfriend. I had no idea how to take that — if maybe he was trying to say this would be a one-night stand or just worried that I might think that he would attach more to sex than I was willing to give (which, thinking back, was something he could have gotten from one comment I said). I was getting all sorts of odd comments from him, ranging from “I want to get fall in love and get married” to “I just really like women.” With such a wide spectrum of comments, I’m finding it difficult to get an idea what he’s about, but then again, he’s drunk. Which is why he gets really sick and seems kind of embarrased about it, so after I make sure he is going to be okay, I gather up my stuff and leave (F and friends had left by this time, but no biggie since I drove my own car). He’s asleep by the time I’m ready to walk out the door, but I leave him a note saying that I had a great time (which I did, despite the debate on “should we or shouldn’t we”) and if he ever wanted to get together, here is my phone number.

So, here is where my actual questions come in. Right now, my plan is to wait a few days and see if he calls me. If he doesn’t, I’m considering calling him (I have his number now from the invite that F forwarded to me). Question 1: Should I call him if he doesn’t call me? I’m trying to figure out if him not calling me would mean he is embarrassed about what happened, or doesn’t remember a lot of what went on (in which case my calling would probably be a good thing), or if he was just looking for sex and has no interest in me as a person (in which case my calling would look very desperate). I’m wondering if I ought to just let things die down for a little while since we both are going to be busy. Question 2: Should I tell F
what happened and see if he can get a reading on what A was thinking? I hate to get my friends involved in the middle of my love life, but I really could use some advice on this from a single guy and, more importantly, a guy who knows A. Also, I’d MUCH prefer to talk to A over email (I’m mildly phone phobic) and I’d need to get his email from F anyway. Question 3 is how do I deal with thinking I’m an idiot for passing up sex from a guy I think is really hot? Walking out of there was a very difficult decision to make, and when I got home I told my dog, “Mommy is an idiot. She had a chance to get laid and didn’t take it.”

I won’t be heartbroken if A isn’t interested; I got a chance to make out with someone I found attractive, which was something I really needed. But I was interested in him before all this happened, and I’d like to know more about him other than we can have a lot of fun dancing (a big thing for me — I haven’t dated a guy who liked dancing in a long time) and I find him easy to talk to (when he’s not drunk. By the way, the drinking doesn’t bother me; I’m a pretty heavy drinker myself when I don’t have to drive anywhere). And at least he’s honest, none of this “we can hold each other but don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to” bullshit, he told me exactly what he was thinking.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Absent The Day They Taught Dating In School

Over the past six months, I’ve developed a close friendship. I’m a junior in high school; my friend is a guy attending a nearby high school, and he is a senior. This guy, “Donald,” has many fears about growing up and commitment, which he has opened up to me about during the course of our friendship. Now, his 18th birthday approaches in a little more then a week and I don’t know what I should do. He has always told me not to acknowledge his birthday because he hates it, but I still want to express my happiness for him and show him that I remember that he has turned 18, become an adult, and is growing older and more mature. I’ve been trying to think of some way of showing this without upsetting him on this day that really should be a time of rejoicing for him. Please help me think of an appropriate gift or way of showing my feelings towards him and happiness for him.

Greatest thanks,
Violet Twain