The Vine: May 31, 2002
Hi Sars,
Okay, so here’s my situation: I’m a college sophomore, and I like to think that I am intelligent, at least marginally funny, and fun to be around. I have a pretty large circle of friends, both male and female, so I figure that my personality is not repulsive. Additionally, while I won’t be appearing on the cover of Vogue anytime soon, I’m pretty satisfied with my appearance and have been described as “cute.”
But here’s the thing: When it comes to guys, I’m like a fifth-grader. Oh, sure, I have plenty of male friends, but absolutely no record when it comes to relationships. I’ve never even gone out on a date, really, much less kissed a guy. But not because I don’t want to; I consider myself a romantic person and am very open to the idea of a relationship if the right kind of guy comes along.
I do admit that I tend to view relationships seriously (I’m not really interested in one-night hook-ups) and that I get a little freaked out around guys in a romantic context (the whole fear of the unknown phenomenon), but others I know who share these characteristics have been able to find great guys and are happily settled in relationships. But although there have been one or two “prospects” since I’ve come to college, absolutely nothing more than flirting ever came about from them (one was a total jerk, another thought it best if we “just stayed friends”).
I don’t mean to sound like a totally insecure child, but my question is this: At what point should I become concerned about the total and utter lack of relationships in my life? It’s kind of embarassing to be the only 19-year-old I know who hasn’t kissed someone, and although I know that I shouldn’t expect all romance, all the time, given that most of my friends have at least one or two serious relationships behind them, I’m starting to wonder if something’s not wrong with me.
Signed,
I Don’t Need A Man To Be Happy, But One Would Sure Be Nice
Dear Sure Be Nice,
You’re already “concerned,” so that horse is already out of the barn, really, but here’s the thing — everyone goes at their own pace in these things.I know it’s hard not to, believe me, but don’t compare yourself to other people or get some idea in your head of what’s “normal” that you don’t measure up to.Because once you start doing that — once you start obsessing about it, and worrying that you “should have” kissed a boy or gotten more experience or had a certain number of relationships, and checking your mental watch every time you flirt with a boy and it doesn’t go over — it starts to take over your life, and it starts to show.
You say you don’t care for one-night hook-ups, but sometimes that’s how things get started, so maybe you should revise that policy temporarily and try a more ad hoc approach.
Regardless, rest assured — it’s going to happen.It’s probably going to happen soon.Get a glass of iced tea, sit back on the porch, and look forward to it.
Hi Sars —
Here’s my issue.There is this guy who I’ve been friends with for about a year and a half now.From the first time I talked to him, I had a crush on him, but he lives in a foreign country and, well, it’s taken a while for things to happen.After a year of keeping in touch, he came back to the States for business, but said the main reason was actually to see me.But I had a boyfriend at the time, so we had a wondeful dinner and a kiss and that was it.After that, he kept asking me to come visit him overseas, telling me he’d pay for my ticket, et cetera et cetera, but I kept saying no.It just wasn’t the right thing for me to do at the time.
Anyway, he just came to the States again for “business” less than two weeks ago — again, he said his main reason for coming was to see me — and we finally “got together.”No sex, and not really much nookie (I’m a twenty-something virgin and have strong feelings about sex with someone who’s leaving on a plane the next day), but we spent the whole weekend together and had a really great time.Before he left, he decided to come to see me in June.
So, he went back to his home country, and I was miserable at home.Sars, I really really hated to see him go and missed him like I haven’t missed anyone in a long time.That was nearly two weeks ago.Since he’s returned home, he’s called me seven times and emailed, et cetera.I haven’t called him once.Seven times, from across the wide and briny sea — that should mean something, right?This weekend in particular, he called me twice on Friday, once on Saturday, and once on Sunday.And he kept bringing up seeing me in June, so he must be thinking about me.
So, this is where I fucked it all up.(I think.)The last time he called me, I jokingly said, “Do you miss me?”And the man laughed and essentially said NO.He said that he’d like to see me again, but he wasn’t “pining away” for me.He said that if it would make me feel better, he could LIE and say that he “really, really missed me.”So, I think he could tell that I was, like, OFFENDED, so he said, “Well, I do miss you, but it’s really complicated.” Eh?Then when we were saying our goodbyes, he said, “I’ll talk to you again soon.I’ll talk to you when I miss you.So I’ll talk to you in June.Ha ha ha ha, just kidding.”
What the dillio?Was it totally dumb of me to lightheartedly ask if he missed me?The man is calling me every day from a far-removed time zone across the ocean.And he doesn’t miss me?Should I just drop him?Chalk it up to him trying to hide his feelings, or is he totally wigging on me?Thanks for any help you can give.
Signed,
Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
He comes to visit you.He calls you constantly.He keeps offering to fund a trip for you to visit him.You…don’t really do anything.You don’t call.You don’t take him up on his offer to visit; you don’t express yourself physically (not that there’s anything wrong with that per se, but I think you see where I’m going here).You keep the CB tuned to “receive,” basically.
So, he’s made a rather significant effort to show you that he’s into you, and you’ve reciprocated by, er, letting him make that effort.But that’s not enough for you.He has to Really Really Miss You, too.And when he says he doesn’t, you get angry.
Let’s look at it from his side.He’s put it on the line in a big way for you, and you’ve responded in a pretty lukewarm fashion.He’s doing all the calling and visiting and expending of energy on this whatever-it-is you’ve got going, and you seem pretty content to allow him to do that, to exist as the object of desire and not reciprocate in kind.So, yeah, he’s probably wigging on you, because you don’t call and you won’t visit and you aren’t interesting in sleeping with him, and that’s not such a big deal on its own, but added in with everything else…I mean, if you missed him so achingly, why the hell didn’t you call him and tell him that?Because it looks to him like you don’t care very much — or, if you do care, you care more about the attention than about him.That’s how it looks to me, at any rate.
I mean, obviously he misses you.The fact that you had to ask (and for the record, I don’t buy the “lightheartedly” part for a second), and that you got all miffy when he had the nerve to hedge his bets after you’ve given him no sign that you give a shit since he left the country, says way more about you than it does about him.
He obviously made a command decision not to pine for you because he thought you didn’t care.Take the lesson and start acting like you do care, or you’ve got no right to get angry.
