I am 24 and living with an awesome guy after many years of crappy
boyfriends. We are very happy so no problems there. This situation relates
to his mother. She is not trying to plan my wedding or excluding me from
family functions, but I feel she is putting me in a tricky position.

Now part of my maintenance of the site includes updating a weekly blog
section she writes, sort of an “I am woman, hear me roar” type thing, which
isn’t really my bag, but I have no problem working with it. What I do have a
problem with is what one of the columns ended up being about.

A little background on MIL — she got involved with my boyfriend’s dad when
he was married to someone else. He subsequently divorced that woman to be
with MIL. They have two kids (boyfriend and boyfriend’s older brother). When
boyfriend is about three, they divorce. She keeps the kids for about a year or
so, decides she wants to go off and be a writer so she gives the kids to
their dad and moves away, only to see them once or twice a year on holidays.
When boyfriend and his brother are in their mid-to-late teens, she finally
moves back and takes a more active role in their life, which I am happy about
because I know her support and approval means a lot to boyfriend.

Anyway, a few weeks into doing the column updates, I receive one that goes
into detail about her relationship with boyfriend’s father, airing certain
grievances about him (boyfriend’s father) and declaring their reason for
separating — he was cheating.

Now I know that the divorce is a weird subject with boyfriend (his first
memory is being three and not understanding why his dad was leaving), so I am
loathe to bring it up. On one hand, if the cheating’s known and a sore
subject, I don’t want to bring it up, and on the other hand, he was so young
when it happened, I don’t know what the told him about why they separated
and I don’t want to be the one to hurt him if he doesn’t know. So, in the
end, I figure he probably knows what happened, but it’s not my place to get
involved so I say nothing and post the column as I’m instructed.

Can you guess what happened?

Of course, boyfriend reads the column (only friends and family really do),
they hadn’t told him the truth and now he’s really upset, not at me, but
about the situation as his mother makes it clear in the piece that
boyfriend’s father was cheating before boyfriend’s older brother was born
which, in turn, makes boyfriend feel like he was a big loveless mistake
(what he said, not what I think).

Now I love boyfriend very much and I understand that his relationship with
his mother is very important, but this whole thing makes me really mad.

I mean why on Earth would she publish personal and previously unknown
information about her relationship with her children’s father on the
Internet for everyone and their neighbour to read? Why, if she kept the
secret of their divorce for 20 some-odd years, is she publically unloading
it now, and why, if she really needed to express this now, couldn’t she have
talked to her children about it beforehand in a diplomatic way instead of
letting them find out so hurtfully and impersonally?

Yes, boy’s dad cheated (it’s known he cheated in the past and I’m not about
to make excuses for him) but he is their father, the only steady parent
they’ve ever known, and what is to gain from slamming him two decades later?

Anyway, boyfriend seems to have gotten past this big disclosure, but now, it
seems almost every week there is some little dig at boyfriend’s father in
her columns, and while he makes little jokes about it now (“What crazy thing
has Mom written this week?”) I can tell the comments really hurt him as I
know (he has said) they make him feel like she is slamming part of him.

Now, I have no problem doing the web work for her, I’m happy to do it, but I
feel like I am having trouble respecting her hiding behind “feminist
empowerment” to outright slam her ex-husband and father of her two terrific
kids and, in turn, hurting someone I deeply care for.

If this were my own family, I would just tell my mom she was being a pain,
we would talk it out and get over it, but boyfriend’s family is very
Old-World-Eastern-European We-Don’t-Talk-About-Feelings-And-Problems kind of
family and I feel kind of stumped in terms of how to proceed. I’m pretty
sure boyfriend will never say anything and I don’t want to overstep my
bounds since it’s not exactly my business. However, I hate seeing my
boyfriend upset and it is affecting our home life and his relationship with
his dad, who, up until this point, he had a decent relationship with.

I have nowhere else to turn so I figured I should ask your opinion, because
I have always respected the advice you give and especially since you run a
site on which write personal essays and/or mention your family. Have you
ever had an experience like this where you unwittingly upset someone else?
How did you handle it? Is there any way I can discuss this with MIL that
won’t turn things into WWIII? She is kind of sensitive and I don’t want to
say anything that would be interpreted as an attack.

I really do like her, aside from her handling of this situation.

C’mon Mama, Save The Drama!

From what I’ve heard from my grandparents, it
sounds to me like her mind is going, and she may soon die. We’ve
never been really close, but I feel like I should do something, but
it’s just too depressing/creepy for me to even think about doing.
Besides, if I do go, I’m not sure if she’ll even recognize me or
remember my visit the next day. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Creeped Out in Carmel

Last week I went out to happy hour/dinner with my husband, two of his
co-workers (call them Ann and Bob), and their respective spouses. At the
last minute we were joined by two of their other co-workers (call them Carl
and Dan). We were all drinking (it was happy hour), but Carl and Dan
proceeded to get really drunk and act out. Dan bragged about how he had
been in a band and began to play a drum solo using spoons and plates. Carl
propositioned Bob’s wife. I was appalled, and couldn’t wait to leave.

I was even more appalled when we got home, and my husband told me I had been
acting “stuck up” all evening. He said I should have ignored Carl and Dan
and enjoyed the company of Ann and Bob (whom I really do like hanging out
with). One last piece of information: the next day Carl called Bob and his
wife to apologize.

Finally, here’s my problem. We are hosting a party at our home in two
weeks. My husband wants to invite his co-workers, including Carl and Dan.
What should I do?

Stuck-up? wife