Sarah:

I spent the weekend brooding about a situation with my family, and decided this morning that, first, I am not a vampire with a soul, and, secondly, perhaps writing it out would help. I apologise for any rambling and for any waste of your time.

Some family history: I am the youngest of four. My sisters are 12 (A), 11
(B), and eight years (C) older than me. However, I never knew the sister closest to my age (C), as she was murdered the day my mother and I were released from the hospital following my birth. Obviously, this event profoundly affected my family, especially my oldest sister, who is bipolar. Just as obviously, this has never had the same immediacy for me as for my sisters. I have always acted as somewhat of a caretaker for my oldest sister (living with her during college until I was offered a better job out of the area), and as an intermediary for my whole family — no one really talks to each other. I am not close with my middle sister, who elected (I believe/understand for her own emotional health) to distance herself from the rest of the family.

About a year ago, my father mentioned very casually that the man suspected of being responsible for my sister’s death had died in prison. Since my parents have always taken great pains to shield me from any information about my sister, I believed that this was common knowledge in my family. It wasn’t. While speaking to my middle sister (I was babysitting her children for the weekend), I mentioned the news, and we spent a great deal of time discussing that, our family in general, and our sister. It was the closest I ever felt to B. She told me to not to mention the news to our other sister, as she (A) had many guilt feelings and it might trigger rapid cycling. B told me that she believed that A had always known who the murderer was and was too frightened to speak up (police believe it was a local man, who was protected by his parents).

Last week, A called me wondering, if I had spoken to B. I hadn’t. A then told me that B had told her about the suspect’s death and was arranging to meet with local police officers who had worked on our sister’s case. A seemed calm and asked me if I wanted to be part of the meeting. I declined, as I don’t think I could handle it emotionally. Too real, I guess.A understood. Later that week, my mother called to say she is very worried about A — that she’s extremely depressed and her doctor is considering hospitalization. She asked if knew of anything that could have prompted a spiral, and I said no. Last night, I spoke with A. She sounded horrible, and I am very worried. At the same time, she told me that my brother-in-law will be joining my sisters at the meeting. While I understand why he would want to be there in a support aspect, at the same time it is bothering me. The three of them plan to spend some time together and absorb the information. “Try to mellow out with some beer and memories.” This whole meeting will be taking place in Philly — where I live; the others do not. Also, A told me that B is angry that I was informed of the meeting — “She’s too young and emotionally frail for you to dump that on her.”

I’m feeling angry right back and rather left out, which I realize is completely self-absorbed — then I feel guilty. However, I can’t seem to shake this anger toward B. I am telling myself she’s being protective (I’ve had some personal difficulties lately that have left me somewhat drained), but I don’t believe she has the right to dismiss me without any discussion. She has never once called or contacted me to talk about this situation. She did not try to include me in the meeting (I know I passed on the actual meeting when A offered, but would like to be involved). They’re my sisters and I love them all very much. I feel like I’m being replaced by my brother-in-law. I would have at least liked the opportunity to offer my home as a post-meeting meeting place. I guess I feel a bit betrayed, because B
has always been the one to tell me about C and make her feel like a real sister, not just a photograph. At the same time, I am very worried about a and feel like I am lying to my parents. I think A does need this meeting;
I’m just worried about its aftermath. And other situations similar to this have led to my father blaming me for not keeping a better eye on my sister. My family has really fought to maintain relationships, and I’m very scared about what will happen in the next few months. Normally, these are the sort of issues I discuss with B, but I feel I am not wanted there.

What should I do? I feel like a self-absorbed brat, but I can’t seem to just swallow my anger. And my boss is starting to wonder why I’m crying every few minutes, so I’ll say goodbye. Thanks for any advice you have or just offering your email address so that I could try to get a handle on this.

Sincerely,
Youngest Sister Feeling Very Young

Dear Sarah,

I’m a cartoonist, and I think a pretty darn good one. The thousand-dollar question is, how do I make it pay? I haven’t had any trouble giving my work away. I’ve got a college newspaper, a newsletter, and a couple websites running my work. I even gave them to a printing company who printed a swanky color 2001 calendar. (If you’re nice to me, I’ll send you one.) But I can’t seem to land a paying gig. The big syndicates, the alternative weeklies, magazines, artist reps have all turned me down. You get paid for what you do, right? What’s your secret?

Compounding the problem is that established cartoonists are now continuing to publish post-mortem. Don’t get me wrong, I love “Peanuts” and “Shoe,” but their creators are dead, and I still see their comics in my local paper. And while I’m on the topic of dead comics, how long do “Beetle Bailey,” “Marmaduke,” and “Family Circus” have to stink before they’re put out of our misery? It’s as if nostalgia is more important than humor in the funny pages.

C-toony No-money