The Vine: May 4, 2011
I am hoping you can give me some advice regarding arranging for the disposition of my father’s remains.
My father was an alcoholic, and I had not had any contact with him or any knowledge of his whereabouts since I was 6 years old. I recently received a call at work informing me that he had been struck by a car while he was crossing the street, in a crosswalk but possibly against the light. He died, the woman who hit him had not been drinking or on the phone and it was late at night. It turns out he had been homeless and on the streets of a nearby city for several years.
I am very conflicted about his remains, and my mom and younger sister don’t want any part of dealing with it, which I can understand. He has no other family. My sister’s attitude is that he was not a true father to us, he did nothing for us, and we don’t owe him anything, so we shouldn’t bother to claim the body and should allow the county to dispose of it the way they do other homeless people with no next of kin. A large part of me agrees, but I also have an urge to bring his ashes home as a way of somehow giving him a home. The problem is that the cheapest quote I can find for cremation is around $1200, which I could scrape up, but would basically leave me flat broke.
It makes me angry that I would need to spend all of the money I had carefully saved over a long period of time because of this man who abandoned me and this woman who killed him. I am waiting to hear back from a victim’s advocate, but they indicated that since the woman was not being charged it didn’t count as a crime and they probably could not help me. I don’t know what to do next. Part of me thinks that the woman’s car insurance should pay for his cremation costs, but not only do I not know if it is even legally possible, I would feel guilty filing a claim because I know that this must be a traumatic experience for her as well. I also feel guilty allowing the county to take on the costs, since I am his next of kin, but every time I consider emptying out my scrimped-and-saved pennies a black tide of anger rises within me.
I am going to be seeing a therapist about my feelings in a few days, but I was hoping The Nation could give me some advice on the practical side of things. Should I tell the coroner that I refuse to claim the body? Should I empty out my savings to pay for the cremation? Should I try to make inquiries about having the driver’s insurance cover the cost?
No longer hoping for a tearful reconciliation
Dear Tearful,
My first thought: Did the county save your father’s personal belongings — his clothes, a wallet or wristwatch, anything like that? From the sounds of things, none of it would constitute an heirloom, but it doesn’t have to; it’s something to take with you and give a home to…or burn ceremonially in your fireplace, or bury in a small box, or whatever it is you’d like to do to put a period on the situation and the “relationship,” such as it was.
And presumably, as the next of kin, you’d be entitled to those items (provided they aren’t being used as evidence, but if the county doesn’t plan to charge the driver, they probably aren’t). You wouldn’t have to pay for them, and it wouldn’t involve extended and complex dealings with the various departments and agencies in play in situations like this. You simply retrieve your father’s things, dispose of them however you like, and avoid red-taping yourself to a man you scarcely knew or wanted to know.
Generally speaking, I would point you towards the option that costs the least, not just financially but emotionally. The danger, I would imagine, is that you force yourself to assume a loyalty and responsibility that, thanks to his choices, you don’t genuinely feel…and then you question why you don’t feel more compassion, or sadness, or anything, really, for the man, and is something wrong with you…and then you resent him and doubt yourself, and maybe if you just do right by him with this, it’ll prove to him that he should have stuck around…and of course he should have stuck around, and it isn’t your fault that he didn’t. I know you know that, and you can talk about it more in therapy (or not), but between the logistical hassling, the hit your wallet will take, and the can of worms it might open about your childhood, I just don’t think it’s worth it, for you or anyone else in the situation.
The county will give him a dignified, albeit anonymous, burial, so I say let them do that, and work on feeling okay with it.
I haven’t faced a situation like that myself, though, so the reader may differ. Whatever you decide, you have nothing to prove to anyone else, and I’m sorry you have to cope with it at all — best of luck, and if you don’t mind letting us know how it’s going, please drop into the comments.
Tags: the fam
I agree with what Sars says except to wonder whether, if you claim his things, you could also be expected to claim his body as well. If you come forward as next of kin, and ask for his belongings, can they turn around and somehow mandate that you also be responsible for the disposal of him? I have zero experience in this type of thing either…basically just thinking out loud.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would allow the county to bury him, but I would also ask for the location of his burial. I believe counties keep track in some fashion of indigent burials. That way, in the future, if I wanted to address this situation when I was in a better place financially and emotionally, I would be able to decide what to do and I would have the information with which to do it.
Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you.
If you decide to cremate him, perhaps you look around and ask if you can pay over several months? I remember I had some sort of option like that for my mom a few years ago but we chose to pay it in one lump sum.
In the end decision is yours. Go with what your conscience dictates.
Would it make you feel better to donate his body? (I hope this isn’t an offensive suggestion, I have no religious beliefs that tell me what to do after death, so donation is what I would prefer for myself.) It would allow you to claim his body, in a manner of speaking. But the organization you donate to will take care of the costs. It will also allow his death to potentially help advance science, or help people become medical professionals, or whatever depending on where you donate.
Dayna is right; whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.
If part of the conflict you are feeling is a sense of duty, then I think you can at least put that to rest — you have no duty in this matter. There is nothing you can do that will help or harm the man now; his river has reached the sea, so to speak. So whatever you choose to do, do it for yourself and your own needs only. I’m sure his remains will be treated respectfully by the county, if you choose not to claim them.
I’m so sorry for the situation you’ve found yourself in. I think talking it through with a therapist sounds like an exceedingly healthy idea.
I just wanted to chime in that I wondered the same thing about the legality of claiming belongings but not the body; I wonder if knowing the location of burial so that you could visit or whatever else you felt moved to do at some point to help bring you some closure might be enough to help you feel right about this but not burdened by financial strain? Putting myself in your shoes as best I can (not as much of a stretch as it could be), I think it might for me.
As a second-year medical student, I agree with the suggestion of seeing if you can donate his body to a medical school. First year anatomy is a rite of passage, and an invaluable learning tool. Also, in addition to taking care of the financial side of things, some schools have Memorial events at the end of the anatomy course. For mine, all the families were invited, and there was a really nice dinner with speeches from our professors and a few pieces of music, a representative from the military came and played taps, and we got to talk with some of the families (anonymously — as in, we didn’t know whose body we were using for class) about what the course meant to us. So if, after a year or so has passed, you wanted to attend, you could — and even if you don’t feel comfortable attending in person, it might be nice to know that he was being honored at an event like that.
Tearful,
My father (deadbeat, drank himself to death, not found for a day – the whole ugly cliche) died in 2009 and I was surprised by the responsibility placed on me. The actions I took and amounts I spent were dictated by my relationship with his family and what I felt they – and I – needed. I did pick up his wallet, etc from the County Coroner office.
For my own rememberance, I ended up buying a piece of jewelry (with his retirement $) that he “gave” to me, whether he meant to or not. :) Everyone is right, you should decide for yourself. But IMHO opinion, it doesn’t sound like spending the money would best serve you. Find a more affordable memento or ritual to acknowledge him. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, losing even an absent parent is jolting, and I felt like I was in a hole for at least a month. And it’s a grim comfort, but death does provide the ultimate closure, you get to decide what the last word is.
I was going to suggest the same thing as Violet-that you donate the body to science or a medical college. I have arranged that for myself and it will cost my family nothing. Eventually they cremate the body at their expense and either turn the cremains over to the next of kin, scatter them, or bury them at a special honorary memorial at a local cemetary as the donor directs. My philosophy, which I recognize is not for everyone, is I ain’t using it anymore; let it do some good for the living. If you do want to take this option, I believe you may have a shrinking window to do that before the body is unusable so act quickly.
Here’s a link to a site about donating:
http://biogift.org/index.html
Dear Tearful:
Your letter is so close to my own experience. My father died last November, in his apartment. I hadn’t spoken with him in three years, my mother in five. My brother had sporadic e-mail contact with him. Because my parents were divorced, it feel to me and my brother to deal with most of it. (Although my mother arranged a lot of the local stuff, since she and he still lived in the same city, which qualifies her for some kind of sainthood, frankly.) My brother then left for active duty, and all the lawyering and distribution of property and “Oh, there’s a lawsuit? Awesome” became my responsibility.
What I’ve come to – after many months of anger and resentment – is that I’m doing all this not for my father, but for my mother and my brother, who both want to see his possessions and his life taken care of honorably. I love them, so I’ll do this for them. If you can find a similar state of grace, it will make this easier for you, I think. In other words, don’t do it for him, do it for you and the family you have.
I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist – mine has been invaluable. It will be a rough few months, but I promise that it’ll get better, especially the anger part.
My absolute best wishes for you.
Recently, both of my inlaws passed away within two months of each other. Neither of them had left a will, and neither of them had life insurance or any money to speak of. When the director at the funeral home saw the look of sticker shock on our faces when he quoted the cost of cremation ceremony to us, he took pity and directed us to the county social services office, where we were able to apply for a county-funded cremation. All the county needed to know was that my in-laws didn’t leave behind the resources to pay for their own arrangements. They didn’t even need to look at our income. And they worked with the funeral home to return the cremains to us after it was finished, instead of disposing them on their own.
As for feeling guilty about sticking the county with the bill, where we live a cremation only costs the county about $150–which tells you just how much highway robbery the funeral homes get away with by charging $1,000 and up.
Tearful, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I like the idea a couple of people have suggested of donating your father’s body to a research organization, but it may not be as simple as it sounds. A lot of these places which accept full-body donations require a consent form signed by the deceased; and if the body will be used for medical study, they often prohibit donations where the deceased is infected with hepatitis, tuberculosis, MRSA or HIV, or has other specific conditions (e.g., extreme edema) that would make them unsuitable. Donors who have died through violence, such as an auto accident, often also cannot be accepted.
The University of Tennessee’s Forensic Anthropology Department (http://web.utk.edu/~fac/donationfaqs.html) will accept bodies with only next-of-kin consent, and will handle the transportation if the body is located within 200 miles of their facility. They also have infectious disease restrictions (unless you’ve already had the remains cremated first). Their Anthropology Research Facility has done more to advance forensic science than probably any other research institution, so they are an excellent choice if your father’s body is within 200 miles of them, etc.
I don’t say all this to discourage you from donating your father’s remains, but rather to prepare you for the fact that it may not be a simple option, if it is something that you think you might want to do. If you decide that none of this is going to work for you and that you just can’t afford cremation, I don’t think you should feel any guilt whatsoever for letting the county handle his burial. The quote you’re getting for cremation sounds about right; that’s also about the number I was coming up with when helping a family member research cremation.
Also, I think contacting the auto insurer of the woman who ran into him is actually a good idea. She wasn’t charged with a crime, but she is likely to be civilly liable if your father was actually in a crosswalk at the time of the accident. The insurance company may well pay up, especially if it’s a matter of less than $2,000.
Good luck, and don’t beat yourself up over whatever avenue you decide to take.
I want to second what The Other Katherine said about UT’s facility. It is a top notch research program, and having studied there and witnessed it first-hand, the deceased are treated with the utmost respect. If Tennessee is out of your zone, consider looking into other similar programs. There are notable forensic research facilities in North Carolina and Texas that may accept bodies, and smaller programs at other universities exist as well.
On another mentioned issue, one of the cost factors you’re potentially running into is that in most states, embalming is still required prior to a cremation. So even if you choose not to go with the standard embalming and funeral route, you’re going to pay for the embalming anyway. Make sure that in your state, you’re not paying “twice” if you aren’t legally required to.
Whatever you decided to do, good luck in it.
@M.: Actually, most (maybe all) state laws have been changed now so that funeral homes are not permitted to require embalming prior to cremation, although I think they can still require embalming if you want to hold a public viewing at their funeral home (not applicable in Tearful’s case, of course).
Unfortunately, $1200 really is about as cheap as you can get as a general consumer in most regions for a cremation all in (transportation, a container for transporting the body that meets state requirements, cremation, handling the cremains, a container for the cremains, various fees), with no embalming involved. Even if you go the Big Lebowski route and bring a coffee can for them to put the cremains in, you’re unlikely to get cost below $1000. I agree it’s still kind of a scam, but embalming is probably not artificially jacking up costs in Tearful’s case.
Dear Tearful, I agree with with Violet and others who suggested donating your father’s body to a medical school or other research facility. The big teaching hospital in my city has a program that I am considering fo my own eventual use. An acquaintance of mine did it, and it was by no means for financial reasons, she/her family could have easily afforded an all-out funeral, but she chose to advance the cause of medical education instead. Since my family tradition is cremation anyway, I see no harm in letting the doctors-in-training use my remains first. And if they can also harvest something usable for some organ recipient, that’s even better. That’s my best shot at immortality if the whole getting-to-heaven thing doesn’t work out as well as I hope and believe it will.
I have no kids, and my cats sure aren’t going to pay my bills when I’m gone.
If you decide to let the county take on the cost of burial instead, be at peace with that. There are far worse ways to spend our tax dollars. Whatever you do decide to do, I hope you will find the closure and acceptance that you need for yourself.
Dear Tearful,
I can understand the desire to take care of the body because at some point for a horribly short period of time, this was your father. I’m glad you’re going to talk about this in therapy – I’m sure it is a very complicated issue for you with tons of emotions.
I like the suggestions above to donate his body to a research facility or a learning institution. In a way, it could give you a sense of closure. If part of your feelings stem from the desire to give him something more than an anonymous homeless burial, then honoring him by giving his life a purpose – to teach people something – would fit the bill and it sounds like it won’t cost you much, if anything.
I hope you can find some peace about this.
In my state (NY), if struck as a pedestrian, the company insuring the vehicle that hit the pedestrian is responsible for the medical bills and lost wages under the no-fault law— even if the pedestrian’s actions are partly to blame for the motor vehicle vs. pedestrian accident. Your deceased father obviously does not have any lost wages or medical bills, but you may be able to get the driver’s insurance to cover the costs associated with cremation. Perhaps worth a couple of phone calls at least….
The Social Security Administration used to pay a small burial benefit. I’m not sure if that was/is only for the indigent, or if they even do it any more, but it is worth checking into.
Other have left excellent suggestions, and I have one more, although you may not have the answer to this: is there any chance that your father was a veteran? If so, the VA may contribute to his cremation costs. Not sure what’s involved with that though; you’d probably at least need to know when he served and in which branch, which seems like information that might be hard to come by if you don’t know it already. But if you do, and he is, then it’s worth checking into if you decide that you’d like to have him cremated.
With that said, I don’t think you should feel like you have to do anything. If it helps YOU, then by all means do whatever brings you the most peace. But if all it brings you is anger and financial hardship, then I would donate his remains or let the county take care of them. The very least your father owes you in death is not to add to the pain he caused you and your family in his lifetime.
Other Katherine–this won’t help Tearful, but I thought maybe it would help somebody. There are organizations, usually Somethingorother Memorial Society, that are devoted to getting people the simple sendoff they choose. My father was a member of the Cleveland one for all of $15, and going through them meant the cremation was under $700. (It was at a regular local funeral home, no different, near as I can tell, from dealing directly with them.) I don’t know if there’s a common ethos to all of them as far as the decedent needing to have been a member or not (and I don’t know if they’re all decent, either), but it’s clearly a plan that can make a considerable difference when it works.
Do you know if your father ever served in the military? If so, he’s most likely entitled to burial in a national cemetery. There’s no cost to the family.
http://www.cem.va.gov/bbene_burial.asp
AnnWithNoE: That’s not the case. You don’t have to pay for the internment, but you do have to pay for the preparation. My father was buried at Arlington and I had to pay for his cremation and his urn. Arlington, just pays for the plot, ceremony and headstone. Which is a huge chunk of the costs in any case. But it would not help Tearful as I paid $3000 to have him prepared for burial there.
Hi Nation,
I just wanted to give you an update. After a lot of thought and research into the various ideas suggested here, I simply decided not to claim my father’s remains. We didn’t qualify for indigent burial assistance because they do not consider me indigent, and there was too much head trauma to make him suitable for donation. He wasn’t a veteran and hadn’t earned enough Social Security credits for a death benefit. I also wasn’t able to claim his belongings as they were ruined by bodily fluids from the accident. I asked the investigating officer about getting the driver’s insurance information, and she kind of blew me off saying that I could request a copy of her report when it was finished by visiting the police department’s website.
I did go the shelter where he had been living most recently and talked to some people who knew him, and it turns out that even settling on the decision to not claim the remains was in itself a sense of closure. It is odd that in a way his death has provided closure in the sense that it is an end to the wondering of where he is and whether I would see him again. I thank all of you for your advice and for affirming that it does not make me a bad person.