The Vine: May 5, 2004
Hey Sars,
My situation can’t be that unique. I grew up in a very Christian family…we went to church two times a week minimum. I’ve continued to go pretty regularly — not because I’m at all into it, but because I still live in the same town as the folks. They would be extremely upset and there would be much fighting if I were to simply announce, “Nope. Not going anymore!” So I get up Sunday morning and drag my ass to church. It’s not that big a deal. I sit there and kinda let my mind wander. I’ve reached this point after years of wavering. I used to be sincere and I still kind of miss the feelings I used to have but they’re gone and I’m okay with that. I don’t hate the people there, I just disagree with them on oh, just about everything. (They are quite fundamentalist and conservative. I’m…not.)
I’m 26 years old and I’ll be moving away relatively soon. (Grad school calls…) Eventually the BF and I plan to move in together. Once I move away I look forward to sleeping in Sunday mornings but the question is, how to let the folks know? Hey Mom, Dad. I’m not going to church anymore, oh yeah, and the BF and I have decided to live in sin…
How is this to be handled in order to elicit the minimum of weeping and gnashing of teeth? Have you dealt with such a situation before? Have any of you other readers? I’m talking about seriously, seriously strict parents here.
Thanks,
Agonizing Agnostic
Dear AA,
No matter how you handle it, they won’t like it, so with that said, I’d skip a formal announcement and just deal with each question as it comes up.”Did you go to services today?””No.”Cue “whaaaaaaat?” reaction, and your “I’ve decided not to go to services anymore” response, and endless repetitions of “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Same thing with the living arrangements.”Why did BF pick up the phone?””He lives here.””Whaaaaaaat?”Et cetera.
You’ve kind of made it worse for yourself by continuing to attend church with them even though you don’t live under their roof anymore; the decision to stop going is going to seem abrupt to them, and make no mistake, they’ll blame your boyfriend.But if you want to live your own life, start living it.Either they’ll cope with your choices or they won’t, but if you don’t want them to have a vote, resolve in advance not to give them one.
I don’t know whether you’d want to consider this question for The
Vine but here goes.(It is something I came across which seems ambiguous to
me, and you are, of course, the grammar guru…)
Here goes.I came across the following sentence (I copied it exactly) in a
book summary:
“Judge Armando ‘the Coconut’ Acosta is arrested on charges of soliciting a
prostitute in a sting operation for ‘johns,’ and few, including attorney
Paul Madriani, who has a long history of enmity with the judge, are
sympathetic.”
My question: Is Paul M. sympathetic to “the Coconut”…or not?If
“few…are sympathetic” and these few “includ[e]…Paul,” then Paul is
sympathetic, no?(It is clear from the rest of the summary that Paul does
indeed dislike the judge, which would also be indicated by the phrase “has a
long history of enmity with the judge.”)
So…what’s the deal with ol’ Paul?Is it as ambiguous as it seems to me,
or do I need to cut back on the coffee?
Thanks —
E
Dear E,
The way the sentence is structured, “including attorney Paul Madriani” modifies “few” — but it’s unclear whether we should follow the letter of the sentence or the spirit.The context implies that Madriani doesn’t sympathize, but the use of the word “including” puts Madriani in with those who do sympathize, strictly speaking.
It’s sort of ambiguous, and as an editor, I’d probably modify the sentence to something like “few are sympathetic, least of all Paul Madriani, who” et cetera.But as a reader, if I came across that sentence in the course of reading a newspaper article, I’d get the gist.
Seeing how you handled a few questions, let’s see if this one stumps you.
I have a friend A.We weren’t friends in highschool because I had been told he was an arrogant rich asshole.After dropping out of college and before going back, we became friends, I found out he wasn’t an arrogant rich asshole.
Fast forward to his first girlfriend, B, two years later after I go back to school.Who happens to be bisexual.They have sex quite often.Our friendship changes.Most of his dates/women he’s had contact with usually want to lean on me for emotional support since he doesn’t give any.This one was no exception.Except later on after they’ve broken up, I end up sleeping with her.I thought the relationship was over between them, they had both told me so.Found out it was a lie.
A is upset.A tells me he’s not upset.A proceeds to tell everyone what a lying whore I am, because I didn’t disclose my activity to my friends, nor divulge my feelings about B to A. Big argument ensues.I lose friends.We end up friends again, somehow, after I break up with B.A takes out his angst about B situation on me at various times.A becomes a more controlling asshole (remember high school?) than I had known previously.Finally he moves to Arizona.A uses other friends to let me know that he’s an ass.A competes with me to prove his manhood.A has become completely, and utterly a pain in the ass.I currently am kinda pissed.Any insight?
Dazed and Confused in D-town
Dear Dazed,
Insight into…what?What’s going on here?A and B lied to you about their relationship and then strung you up when you slept with B; A still can’t get past it and treats you like shit.A fetus could give you that “insight.”
If you want insight into what you should do about it, well, the fetus probably has it covered here too.Whether A is “right” to feel the way he does, he can’t deal with you, and it’s time to cut him off, and to cut off any so-called friends of both of yours who let him use them to spew his shit all over you.
It’s a bad situation, and unfortunately, it’s also irredeemable; the only thing you can do to fix it is remove yourself from it.Do so, today.
Sars,
I’m occasionally in the position of being asked for advice; I’m more often in the position of thinking that I have advice to give, and walking the line between frankness and letting other people live their own lives.So, what differentiates me from the next 999 people you run into?Nothing at all.
Except, I’m curious about How You Do It.You have a real talent for putting things directly without sounding like you’re giving orders, and for speaking to the point of the problem.Is this something you can teach or go to school for, or am I stuck with reading all your archives and hoping to pick up a little bit of it by Aah’s Moses?
Sign me
Tryin’ to Learn Your (Non-)Blues
Dear Tryin’,
Hell, I don’t know.Seriously.
What I do know is that giving advice is less about actual advice than it is about saying, “Dude.She said that?God.I mean, God,” because, really, nobody needs my advice.All y’all readers live in the world, and ninety percent of the time, you already know what you need to do, and I’ll tell you to do it, no problem…but I don’t think people write to me to hear that unless it’s some grammar thing.I think people write to me because I’ll tell them it’s okay not to want to do whatever it is, because it’s difficult or scary or uncomfortable, or that it’s okay to have gotten themselves into stupid situations, because we all do it, including me…especially me, God knows.
It’s not so much “tell me what to do,” in other words, as it is “tell me you wouldn’t want to do it either” or “tell me you’d have fucked it up the same way.”
As for speaking to the point of the problem…not much to that, really.The letter almost always reveals exactly what the problem is, even if the letter-writer has trouble doing it or says it’s something else.You just have to pay attention.
Also, I’ve done it for four years now.(…!)I look a lot smarter than I used to.Heh.
Dear Sars,
I have a punctuation question that thwarts me almost daily: how do you punctuate a sentence where you end the sentence with “etc.” in parentheses?
I know typically the punctuation goes outside the parentheses. However, in giving instructions for work via email, I usually tend to clarify the info I’m looking for with an i.e., or e.g., suggestion list in parentheses, ending with “etc.”It looks very strange to me to end a sentence “puppies, etc.).” with two periods together like that.
The easiest solution, obviously, would be to leave off the “etc.”, but I like to leave the list open ended, and to me, to leave it off would be to make the list I have provided seem final.
Thanks,
Maybe I should just spell out “et cetera”…
Dear Maybe,
Yep, I’d just spell it out.I was about to suggest using “et al.,” but then you run into the double-period problem again, so I’d either write “et cetera” out or say “and so on” instead.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar the fam
