Hey Sars,

I’m a pretty solitary guy by nature.I just finished college, and afterward I moved
back to the city I ran away from, the city I grew up in.I made some wonderful
friends in college, but few of my relationships developed into real closeness.Only
two of the friends I made even seemed to notice and/or care that we weren’t that
close, and only one of those kept up (what I felt) was an effort to become really
intimate.

I couldn’t possibly sum up everything that we went through together, and all that we
meant to each other, in an email, and maybe not even in words.As we reached out to
each other, we were both going through immense changes, some because of, and some in
spite of, each other’s influence.Which, that’s life, right?

The thing is that as we began to get over a lot of things, many times with each
other’s help, to the point that we could begin to look past that gripping need to
find someone who CARES, we began to realize how ill-suited we were to be friends in
the first place.At a pretty fundamental level, we can’t fulfill each other’s
social needs, especially during “hang-out” time.Time after time, we would hurt
each other through miscommunication and misunderstanding, and spend way more time
patching up these hurts than we spent causing them, to the point where I began to
dread the next thing that was going to be misread or misheard or whatever.We are
able to talk about big issues in our lives and be honest about really personal
things, but when it comes to just plain bein’ social, we just don’t gel.

Eventually, we came out and confessed that we didn’t have what we used to have, the
intimacy or need for it (from each other).We were both relieved to know that the
other person felt the same way, and there wasn’t much sadness as we parted ways
during my move.We said that we both felt glad to know that there was someone who
cared, and it’s that much more meaningful to me that she cares even though she
barely understands me in a lot of ways.

If you’re still with me, here’s the rub.My friend (let’s call her Karen) has a
really terrible history with guys; she had an abusive (really abusive) father and
that never leads to good things.She doesn’t try to find guys who are secretly
really bad people, but she finds them anyway.That was one reason I waited so long
to tell her that I wasn’t happy with our day-to-day friendship anymore: I didn’t
want her to think I was just another guy abandoning her after I got what I needed.
Well, she was in a relationship at that time with a guy who seemed pretty great, but…guess what?About two weeks after I left town, she found out he’d been
cheating on her from day one.Argh!

So, we had a big talk about it, and we’ve been
talking pretty regularly (not just about the breakup, but…you know, talky
stuff).Not any more than I’m comfortable with, but, I was a little confused,
because when we parted I thought we were both under the impression that, having
grown apart, we weren’t going to try to force that emotional reliance on each other
that we’ve had.I mean, I still care about her, and of course I’ll listen if she
needs it.I just…didn’t expect her to need it?It’s hard to get this across.

So, yesterday I heard from a mutual friend who also has friends where I live, whom
the mutual friend misses, that she and Karen would like to start coming down
frequently to visit; as in, monthly (that was the word she used).She said it as if
she had no clue that Karen and I had fundamentally altered our relationship.Which,
why should she, right?Because it’s our business.But, the only person she would
have talked to about making plans like this would be Karen.Karen has already made
one unexpected drop-in, hitching a ride with another friend who happened to be
coming down here.She didn’t even tell me about it; I found out from the friend she
was riding with.I didn’t know how to feel about that, because she was coming just
as much to hang out with the other friend on the ride (and here) as she was to see
me, but…I still felt it was weird to not tell me.

Now there’s this monthly thing kind of hanging out there.Sars, I feel that the
majority of my relationship with Karen is over.I want her to find people who care
about her and also gel with her in all the little ways.I want to hear from her,
and she’ll hear from me, but mostly we’ve grown apart (as people…I know,
sorry).I thought all this was clear to both of us when I finished school, but
apparently it isn’t.I don’t know how to say this stuff to her, because I feel like
I’ll end up sounding like, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”Even if I don’t
say that, I know she’ll take it that way, and hard.I want mutuality in our
relationship, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask, but I don’t want to ask for
it!Now I sound like a woman.

So, what is she thinking?What can I do?How can I “break up” with her and not
leave her thinking every guy is crap?Am I being really selfish?Are you busy
Saturday night?

Crapfully yours,
Bong Strad

Sars —

Last night, I Googled my city name and
the word “blog” just to see who was doing what around here.I found
the site of a local girl with whom I am acquainted, but haven’t spoken
with in many years.It’s a smallish city we live in, and she dated my
former fiance before I did.They were still friendly, and he
introduced us a couple of times.This was in 1994-5ish.

I went to and read her blog. Why this creates a problem for me is that
she seems to mention, not outright, but kind of clearly, that she has
AIDS.I’ve been tested for HIV many times for things like life
insurance over the last few years, and certainly many times since
knowing either of these people (and being monogamous).I haven’t heard
that my ex is or has been sick at all, but I haven’t heard anything
about him in years.

I hate feeling selfish about this, but I’d really like to know if I’m
at risk.Our insurance agent told us that there were people showing up
with HIV after ten years of low/no-risk activities, after negative
tests.Whether or not this is true, I don’t know.I don’t know if
finding out that it was false would make me any calmer, really.

Somehow, I don’t think it would be right to email a passing
acquaintance from the ’90s to say I saw her website, and wouldn’t she
like to tell me if that AIDS mention was real, and oh, if it was, when
did she find out she was positive, and has she told anyone from our old
circle to get tested (or do we not need to?).

I am sure not the kind of person who would shun someone due to an
illness, and if she is infected, I feel absolutely awful. And scared.
But she’s never even been a hi-in-the-clubs kind of friend, truly
just a passing acquaintance, and it seems rather rude to just say, “We
slept with the same guy a long time ago, and I want your whole health
history. Now how do you feel about blogs?”Not that etiquette is my
main concern here, I guess, but if there’s a nicer way to do this, I
would love to hear about it. Just testing myself again doesn’t seem
enough, because if she is positive, and has been for awhile, isn’t she morally
obligated to tell her contacts?Or if I know some of them, would I be? And for how many years would I have to keep testing?)

What should I do?

You may know me from Nip/Tuck

Hey Sars,

I’m hoping you can help me out with some questions.I have a job
interview this week for a position that I really, really, really want
to get.The problem is that I haven’t gone on a job interview in five
years, and was never really that good at them when I was going to them
before I got the job I’m in now.So — here goes:

1) I’ve gotten different responses from others on how to answer the
“What’s your biggest weakness?” question.One says to spin it, pick
something like “Oh, I’m a perfectionist/workaholic” and make it sound
totally positive.Another says not to do the BS, to actually pick a
weakness and then explain how you’re working on it.How would you
handle it?

2) What to say to “What do you think of your current boss and/or
co-workers?”Right now, I can’t stand my boss and all but two of my
co-workers.Should I lie?Divert to something else and wind up
answering a different question?

And, 3).I do not want anyone calling my supervisor.If she were to
find out I was job-hunting I’d never hear the end of it and would
suffer greatly.But, I know potential employers need to call for
references.If the interviewer does ask about calling my supervisor,
is it acceptable to suggest that they call another co-worker for a
reference, even though the person I would be referring them to doesn’t
have any supervisory function over me?I mean, I work more closely
with this person than I do with anyone else in my position and she’s
one of the two people that I actually like here.I don’t know how to
ask the interviewer to call her instead of my boss, though, without
looking like I’m trying to hide something.

Thanks for any advice you can give,
I’ve Gotta Get Out of This Place!

Hey Sars,

Your site is awesome, and I think you’re an incredibly talented writer! I have a dilemma that I’d really like to get your opinion on. I’m considering buying my first house, and by the time my apartment lease is up in July, I should have the funds and ability to do so.

Here’s the catch: I have a serious boyfriend, and we’ve lived together for the past two years. Although we’re the same age, he’s still a college student and makes significantly less money than I do. I really want to purchase the home on my own, continue to live with him and have him contribute a small portion of the mortgage. (The same amount he currently pays in rent.) He says that he’s already distressed by the disparity in our income and wouldn’t feel comfortable paying me what amounts to rent. He wants us to wait to purchase property until after he’s graduated (in spring 2006!) and found a job.

Now, he has a valid point: if we wait and pool our money, we’ll be able to get a much nicer place than I could afford on my own. Also, there’s a good chance that when he finds work upon graduation, we’ll move to another city, which brings up a bunch of other hassles (selling my house, looking to buy a place in another city, possible tax issues, et cetera).

However, I just can’t see throwing money away on rent for another year (or longer) when I don’t have to. Also, I’ve worked really hard to be in a position to buy my own house, and I’d be really proud that I accomplished it on my own. In general, I don’t think single women should wait for a man to buy property or be scared/intimidated to make this kind of decision by themselves. What do you think?

Thanks!
Trying to be a Grown-up

Dear Sars,

I’m 26, married four months ago, graduated with a master’s degree from a prestigious mid-Atlantic university one month prior to that. I’m from England and moved to the U.S. almost three years ago in order to attend graduate school. I graduated with first place in my BA class and was given numerous awards while I was an undergraduate. I waited tables throughout my undergraduate studies to minimize my financial dependence on my parents, and am very proud of this fact. Took an MA degree in England with a full tuition waiver and a teaching position. Came to the U.S. with a full tuition waiver from my U.S. school for another MA, with another scholarship to cover living expenses. Interned at the U.S. Congress (though I’m not a U.S. citizen) and a think tank. I do not tell you all this for vanity’s sake, but to exemplify that I’m highly driven and that building my career matters deeply to me.

However, post-graduation, I am finding it impossible to find a job. I have now sent out 50 applications, have had only three interviews, and have been turned down for them all. I have ongoing career counselling — one of the many ways in which an American education trumps its English counterpart — and my counsellor cannot understand what I am doing wrong. He has proofed my resume, letters, and general pitch.

Part of the problem is my lack of citizenship — in the field for which I am qualified, which is conflict studies, a majority of the jobs in Washington are federal and require citizenship. Every other position, be it with a think tank or a non-profit, is highly sought after, and open advertisements are heavily oversubscribed. Another problem is that until my immigration status is adjusted to permanent resident by way of marriage (which will take up to a further year), the employment terms of my student visa mandate that I can only accept employment in the narrow field of my studies.

I had always presumed that I would return to Europe after graduation and work there, but then I met my husband, just under two years ago. We quickly fell in love, an idea at which I had scoffed until it happened to me. He is American, a kind and caring man, and I found peace with him. He had been attending grad school (not with me) but was forced to drop out when his funding/teaching package was prematurely cancelled. He fell back on what he knew, which was bartending/bar management, and then we met.

He always told me that he just needed to get back on his feet, but didn’t know how to do so. He was a very heavy drinker, which I had also been. I gave up drinking because I could feel that it was turning into a dependency. He eventually cut down, though still goes out occasionally with his male friends and gets drunk (which I don’t like, but which most people will indulge in on occasion).

There were low points. He was arrested (though not convicted) for DUI four months after we met. (He no longer risks drinking and driving.) I paid for his attorney, as I had a reasonably comfortable income from my stipend, and he had nothing left after grad school. A few months later, I paid off his credit card bills and his bank overdraft, as the final demand had loomed. He felt humiliated depending on me to that extent, but his income barely covered his basic living costs; and I never anticipated that finding a job after graduation would be this hard. He had plans to attend law school. When I moved out of my shared house into my own apartment, he moved in with me. I didn’t ask him for rent. I had no problem with his confusion as to where he was going professionally; I don’t know many people who haven’t wondered that at some point.

But now I’m desperate. I no longer have an income from my student stipend, I have no job — and even if I were to be offered one tomorrow, not-for-profit work at entry level (which is about all that is open to me, due to my lack of citizenship and thus a security clearance) in Washington doesn’t pay very much; just about enough to keep our bills paid and that’s it. We have been living on the very generous financial gift that my parents gave us for our wedding, though in Washington, that money only lasted five months. I have just about enough savings to last another few months and after that, nothing. He took a commission-based job at a software company, but hasn’t had one commission in the four months he’s been working there, and though he continues to bartend, he doesn’t make enough to cover our bills doing that.

Every time I try to talk to him about our financial situation, he gets resentful and claims that I don’t have any faith in him, and that I have to keep faith, because something’s got to happen. He’s a big spender — when his friends were in town a couple of weeks ago, he picked up the $90 bar tab, even though our bank account was diminishing. I’m terrified of being in debt, and don’t want to have to ask my parents for further money. As a non-citizen and not yet even a permanent resident, I don’t qualify for most financial loans, and his credit is bad.

I feel broken. I am severely depressed and am on antidepressants, and spend my days mostly just sitting around the apartment, composing yet more futile job applications and occasionally taking our beloved shelter-rescue dog out for walks. I miss my father and friends in England, to whom I was close beyond measure; and have hardly any friends remaining in Washington. I fantasize about moving back to Europe, but it would cost a lot to relocate, and my husband has told me that he has no idea what he would do there. I love my husband with all my heart and soul, but I am sure that you realize that that is not the issue.

The inevitable sense of alienation that initially comes from moving to a foreign country has returned with a vengeance, and colors everything I do. I am exhausted. I have panic attacks when I leave the apartment for long periods, and I suspect that I am on the verge of a breakdown. I feel as though I am falling and I can’t grab on, Indiana Jones-style, to anything to stop the fall. I have an appointment with a doctor next month to discuss my antidepressant dosage, but it won’t be for three more weeks (due to insurance issues). I miss using my mind, and no longer feel like the confident and capable person I used to be.

Sars, I appreciate that you are not a qualified career or psychological counsellor, and that this email has been long and somewhat anguished. If you feel that you can’t offer actionable advice (though I sincerely hope you can), I would appreciate even your perceptions of my situation.

With best wishes and sincere thanks for any advice or comfort you can offer, no matter how small.

Everything they say about English teeth? Is true.