The Vine: May 5, 2006
Dear Sars,
The letter from the person afraid to read The
Gift of Fear could have been written by me a couple of
years ago.I was in the position where I knew
something happened but I didn’t want to know. I’ve
been in therapy for two years now and it’s been amazing.
I had tried therapy right after college (I’m
early thirties now) and it wasn’t very helpful — I
believe because I wasn’t ready.
Your advice was right on. This stuff is coming up
now because subconsciously the person is close to
being ready to deal with it. A great book to look
at is The Courage to Heal
This book can be a bit touchy-feely but there are
also some really practical exercises you can do.
I took a self-defense class several years ago and they
used a line that I will always remember:
“Sometimes the only way out is through”
Going through therapy and dealing with what happened
was my way out and I am a hundred times happier and
more satisfied with my life.I won’t pretend it’s not
hard but it’s really worth doing the work.(And
finding the RIGHT therapist — that is key!) I wish a
lot of love and support for this person.
And thanks to you for your wonderful column!
K
Dear K,
Thank you for the kind words, and the additional reading material, which other readers also mentioned.
Dear Sars,
I have a product question (but hey, it’s not about a boy).Last weekend, I dyed
two purple streaks in my hair.I have brown hair, I bleached the streaks first,
with bleach from Hot Topic, then dyed it with Manic Panic, which everyone tells
me is supposed to be the best dye for crazy colors.It’s supposed to last
about a month, depending on how well the dye takes, how much you wash it, et cetera.
Sadly, all of the color washed out in about three days.I now have two blonde
streaks, which look a little funny (not a color I would have chosen to go with
my complexion).I suspect my shampoo, which is Head and Shoulders, because it’s
really stripping (most dandruff is actually caused by oily scalps, not dry ones,
although that happens, too).I can’t give up the anti-dandruff shampoo, or I
will start to look gross.But I’d really like to keep my hair dyed for more
than a weekend.
So, the question for you (and the peanut gallery) is: what shampoo can I use
that both kills the dandruff and doesn’t kill my color?Any suggestions?
My Bathroom Looks Like I Murdered Grapes, But My Hair Doesn’t
Dear Grape,
If I recall correctly, Manic Panic doesn’t have nearly the lasting power it’s alleged to; it’s been a long time since college, which is when my friends were using it, but I know it’s not the first time I’ve heard someone complain that it was gone in under a week.
With that said, back when I had enough hair to color it (hee), Roger always told me to try not to wash it as often because the color would fade.This wasn’t possible for me either, really, for reasons I’ve gone into elsewhere, but that’s the conventional wisdom.If you have to wash every day, look into dandruff formulas that aren’t so harsh; Head and Shoulders is really stringent, so maybe Selsun Blue or a dermatologist’s formula would be gentler on your hair.You could also switch to a “clarifying” shampoo; they do the same thing, I find, as dandruff shampoos, but aren’t as rough on your hair.
A friend of mine had a whole voodoo thing with color-free henna and Manic Panic purple but I’m damned if I can remember it.
Readers?
Hey Sars!
My question has to do with the “sex on the first date” issue.
How does that work when it’s a new long-distance relationship?I met this
guy at a conference a while ago, and we exchanged emails and phone numbers.
We’ve been having marathon conversations online and over the phone, and I
really like him!He wants to come visit at the end of the month.That’s
great, and I want him to, but I’m not really sure how all this works.
I’ve
been single for about four and a half years, and I’ve only ever slept with
two guys (had a serious men-are-scum period for quite a while).So I’m not
sure what the dating rules are.I feel like I should stick with the “no sex
on a first date” rule, but when your first date is a three-day weekend, how
does that work?Asking him to stay in a hotel seems slightly ridiculous.I
know I’m allowed to sleep with him if I want to, but will he be expecting
it?I suppose if I’m comfortable enough with him to have him come visit, I
should be comfortable enough to ask him, but I wanted to know if you (or
your readers) know what the normal pattern is.I’m just a little nervous
about all this — it’s been quite a while!
Should he and I talk about it
first, or should I just wing it?Are there any other details you need to
know?I’m 27; he’s 28.We’re about an eight-hour drive apart.I’ve been on
birth control throughout my singlehood to stop The Curse (hooray for drugs!)
but I’ve never purchased condoms.I’m assuming that’s my job, since he’s
the one doing the traveling?Any thoughts/suggestions would be welcome!
Nervous but enjoying the attention
Dear Nervous,
PSA, part the first: buy the condoms now, regardless.On the pill or not, dating or not, planning to go out or not, whoever you are and wherever you roam, keep two in your bag and two by the bed (or in the medicine cabinet, or wherever), always.Life is unpredictable, champagne is unpredictable, even married women biff a pill now and then or go on antibiotics and need backup.Have the jimmy hats on hand, better safe than sorry.
PSA, part the second: if you already do that, good for you.Now go check the expiration dates, and try to remember to do that whenever you 1) change purses or 2) clean out your bathroom cabinet.Condoms expire; don’t get thrown a splitter.
PSA, part the last: buying condoms is uncomfortable.Sad fact of our societally-schizo-about-sex lives.If you really think you cannot deal, or the pharmacist is, like, a family friend of yours, you can avail yourself of all the rubbers of the rainbow online in private at drugstore.com.If, however, you are fine with going in person, but irritated that your local drugstore or drug chain keeps the condoms locked up behind the counter — as I am, because 1) wouldn’t we rather have the kids shoplifting them than going without and 2) in a hurry, here — please consider mentioning politely to the store manager that that’s an inconvenience for you, or writing to the drugstore’s head office to complain.It should be ten times harder to get a Learning Annex flyer than a box of Lifestyles, not the other way around, damn.
Nervous is all drumming her fingers over here, so: back to the letter already in progress.A first date is different when it’s actually a visit; at the end of the night, he’s going home to…your couch, so it’s not quite the same as getting to decide what the next step is when the two of you get to your front door, because you’re…both going in.I would try to talk to him about it, even though it’ll be awkward; mention that you’re not sure what the protocol is, but you thought you’d set him up on the sofa to start out with, and then just take things from there, if that’s okay with him.
Which it should be, and if it isn’t, and he gets huffy, trust your instincts from there, but the idea is for neither of you to assume too much about what is or isn’t going to happen.Nobody’s obligated to have sex here; nobody’s obligated not to have sex (you’ve more or less been “dating” by phone up until now).But I think the two of you should say exactly that to each other before he arrives, so that it’s clear, and over with.Nothing can turn one of these visits into a 72-hour nightmare faster than crossed signals on who’s sleeping where, and if he’s a grown-up, he’ll be on board with that.
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) etiquette rando sex
