The Vine: May 7, 2002
Dear Sars,
I need some post-romantic advice.I began dating Mr. Big in 1998, and the relationship lasted two years.We never moved in together, but he slept over at my place so often that we might as well have been living in sin.He had about 80 percent of his wardrobe at my place, as well as a toothbrush.I even gave him his own key.
I really enjoyed dating him, and the sex was incredible.Over the two years that we dated, he became my best friend.But…I didn’t love him the way that he loved me.He was my best friend, but I couldn’t see a future with him.He on the other hand was crazy in love with me — he said so, I could see it in his eyes, and everyone else could too.
I finally worked up the balls to tell him that I wasn’t in love with him the way he was with me, and that I wanted to end our relationship.This happened a year ago.We both cried a lot, and I told him that I wanted to remain friends with him, because I had become closer to him than anyone else in the world.He agreed to try the friendship thing, because he said that I was very important to him too.The friendship thing was strained at first, as expected, but we eventually became used to hanging out with each other on a friends-only basis.He would get very plainly upset if I flirted with any other guys, so I tried not to in front of him.
Fast forward about one year.My romantic life has been pretty stagnant, because he is always around, and I have no opportunity to meet new people.Most new people that I meet think that he is my lover, and are scared off, no matter how much I tell them (the new person) that Mr. Big is just a close friend.To top it off, I recently found out that Big is still in love with me, and fully expects our friendship to blossom into a full-blown relationship again.I started getting these I-want-you-madly vibes and looks from him, confirmed with friends that I wasn’t imagining these vibes, and then confronted him about them.He admitted that he still loves me and wants to get back together.
My question is, what do I do?I have no interest in re-kindling our relationship.At the same time, I really don’t want to lose his friendship. I know I’m being selfish in trying to remain friends, and I do my best not to lead him on or send mixed signals (no kisses or hugs, no date-type activities that are just the two of us).I keep telling him flat out that I only want to be friends, and will not allow anything to happen between us.He says he just wants to be friends too, but his eyes say something different.It would be very awkward to shut him out completely, because we have a lot of friends in common, and operate in a pretty small social circle.
Yours,
Can’t We Just Be Friends?
Dear Can’t,
I know you don’t want to hurt Mr. Big, but you may have to hurt him to help him, if that makes any sense.I don’t mean that you should vibe other guys in front of him just to send him a message or anything, but he can’t or won’t move on, and hanging back to let him catch up to you emotionally isn’t working.
Downgrade him to “acquaintance” for a while.Spend less time with him, alone or in groups.Start dating.Start flirting in front of him.Don’t do these things just to snap him out of it; do them because you want to.Do them because it’s time.Live your life.You’ve done your best to treat him respectfully and sensitively, but this is really his problem now.Back off and let him — or force him to — deal with it.
Hey Sars —
I have a weird (I think) question regarding the use of commas.Not any regular use, but a specific use of the comma.Which sentence would be proper in its use of commas when referring to multiple items?
Please bring me tomatoes, onions, and celery from the store.
-or-
Please bring me tomatoes, onions and celery from the store.
I know that this isn’t a big dilemma compared to all the boy/girl/co-worker/mother/father/sibling problems you usually get, but I have been arguing about this for a while with several people and I would like to know if I am totally wrong here (I think it should be the latter of the two).
Thanks,
Comma?
Dear Comma,
Ah, the serial comma — chronic confounder of armchair grammarians the world over.The last comma in a series which precedes a conjunction, called the “Harvard” or “Oxford” comma by usage experts, is the subject of much fevered debate.Generally, you’ll find that journalists don’t bother with it in order to save space while most other writing venues consider it a necessity.
For an official ruling, I went to Garner’s Dictionary of Modern American Usage, which in turn cites Ewing’s Writing for Results in Business, Government, and the Professions, to wit:
When you write a series of nouns with and or or before the last one, insert a comma before the and or or.”The location study covered labor, tax, freight, and communications costs, all in terms of 1972 prices.”While this rule is not observed by all publishers, it is valid and helpful….The reason is that the comma before the and helps the reader to see instantly that the last two adjectives are not joined.In the example cited, suppose the last comma in the series is omitted; freight and communications costs could then be read as one category, though it is not meant to be.
The Oxford comma also helps to distinguish the elements in a series of compounds, i.e. “A and B, C and D, E and F, and G and H.”Without the last comma, E, F, G, and H would appear aggregate — probably not the writer’s intent.
Neither of the examples you give is incorrect, exactly, but the Oxford comma usage — the first one — is the clearer one, and therefore preferred.
In other words, you’re not totally wrong.But you’re not right, either.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar
