The Vine: May 8, 2003
Dear Sars,
I’m 19 years old and a first-year student at the University of Washington. I love it here, I love (most) of my classes and my professors, my roommate and I get along well, and I’m making friends. I’ve been dating “Jeff” for a little over a year now; we both go to the UW though he’s a year ahead of me. (Before you make any assumptions — NO, I did NOT choose UW because he’s here. He had nothing to do with my college decision; I’m not dumb enough to make major life-altering decisions because of a boy.) My relationship with him is not the problem, it’s going very well, I love him, blah blah blah happy-cakes.
I’ve had problems with anorexia and bulimia for the last three years. It hasn’t been constant; it seems to be more cyclical. I’ll be fine for a few months and then all of the sudden, I can’t bring my self to eat for weeks at a time, or I’ll eat normally, but I’ll throw up 60-70 percent of what I consume. I know that it’s bad for me and that eventually I’ll face serious consequences, but I can’t control it anymore. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a little while, but my wonderful HMO assigned me to one that can see me about once a month, and it’s not really doing much good.
My therapist does say that my relationship with my mother is probably at fault. She and I have never been close; I’ve always felt like I was never good enough for her and she’s done little to make me feel otherwise. I was a super-achiever in high school and did everything everyone expected me to and more, but she was never satisfied. To make a long story short, I have a lot of resentment toward her and she flat-out refuses to believe that anything she did or said was wrong, and now she’s doing the same thing to my 13-year-old brother.
I want to get better, Sars. I want to be able to control my eating (or lack thereof). I don’t want to be sick anymore. I just don’t know where to start.
Help?
Wants To Get Better But Can’t
Dear Wants,
First of all, give yourself credit — you have started.You know you have a serious problem, and you’ve taken steps to try to deal with it.It’s not working as well as you’d like, because the health-care system in the U.S. is beyond fucked up, but it’s something.Eating disorders can take a while to root out completely, so while you get that done, try not to come down on yourself so hard; it’s difficult, because an eating disorder is often tied up with control and performance issues, and if you don’t make as much progress as you want to, the vicious circle can take over, but…try.Hang in there.Getting to where you want to whip it is the really tough part.You already did that.
On a practical level, I would hit the campus directory and see if your uni has a support group for people struggling with anorexia and/or bulimia.Therapy is an important element in your recovery, but if your HMO is making that hard for you — and I really cannot say enough poisonously bad things about how dense the average HMO is about the importance of mental wellness — you’ll have to find another way in the meantime, and a weekly group session could help you in between counseling appointments.I’d also see what the campus health center has to offer; most colleges have at least a hotline or a part-time counselor specifically for eating-disorder treatment.If you don’t find anything on campus, grab an area phone book and see if there’s a low-cost women’s clinic that can hook you up with a referral.
Just do your best.Get the support you need however you can, and if you backslide a little, try to shrug it off.
Sars,
I need some advice on a particular situation I’ve been dealing with for a while.
My fiancé was killed in a car accident six months ago. I loved him very much and still miss him terribly. Under the advice of my friends, I recently started seeing someone else, and I am having major guilt issues.
It seems that no matter how awesome S. is, I still feel terrible for seeing him. He is totally supportive, and doesn’t mind that I still think about Chad and miss him, and strangely enough, he was one of only a few of my friends who came with me to the funeral. (We have known each other for a long time.) I don’t understand why I am feeling so badly; I know that I am not being unfaithful or anything, but it is a terrible feeling. At the same time, S. makes me happier than I have been in a long time. Should I stay with S. or just be alone for a while?
Help….
Guilty Conscience
Dear Guilty,
I’m sorry about your fianc´.Everyone gets past these things at his or her own pace, so I don’t think you should feel guilty because it’s “only” six months, or because other people think you should.
But you shouldn’t not feel those things on the say-so of others, either, and what strikes me about your letter is that you started dating S. “under the advice of [your] friends.”I don’t doubt that they mean well, your friends, but it’s not really up to them to dictate how you deal with Chad’s death.And let’s look at what else is going on here.You say you know you aren’t being unfaithful, which you aren’t — but on some level, you feel like you are, and you feel really conflicted about dating S. as a result.You also say that S. makes you happy, but at the same time, the guilt about Chad is a “terrible feeling,” so…which is it?I don’t mean that in a hard-ass way, and S. is probably a great guy, but I don’t know how happy he could really make you if you feel this torn about dating him.
Dating S. isn’t wrong, morally; again, everyone deals differently with the death of a partner.But it’s possible that it’s wrong for you right now, emotionally.I would lean towards going it on your own for a while if you don’t think it would make you too miserable and lonely to do so — primarily because it sounds to me like the thing with S. is the result of pressure from your friends to start moving on, but also because I don’t think you know what you want right now.And that’s perfectly understandable, but tangling both yourself and S. up in that when you have unresolved issues about Chad…I think that could get ugly if you don’t take a break and give yourself a little more room with the grief.
Hello Sars,
I’ve got an few etiquette questions.I am 26 and in grad school.I don’t
have to pay for school, but I do have to pay for food, rent, et cetera, so I also
have a job.It pays more than most jobs that grad students have, but still
just covers the bills — not a lot of room for extras (I have entirely given
up the fantasy of a savings account).
In the past year, many of my friends
have started getting engaged, and so far I have five weddings to go to this
summer.I’m in three of them (two as maid of honor) and I have no idea how
I’m going to afford it.I can scrape together enough money to get to the
weddings and pay for the bridesmaid’s dresses, but gifts are sort of out of
my budget.Is it unforgivably gauche not to give wedding gifts?Also,
I’ve been told that as maid of honor I’m responsible for organizing a bridal
shower and a bachelorette party.Do I have to pay for those, too?Gifts for
those events are totally out of the question, but I can’t even afford to
throw a party or fly to Vegas.Should I have not accepted the invitations
to be in the wedding party?
By the way, my friends are really wonderful
people and would completely understand if I didn’t get them a gift.
However, because they are such great friends, it bothers me even more to do
something that is inappropriate.Is a nice card and letter enough?Should
I not even attend the weddings that I’m not in if I can’t buy a gift?For
the weddings that I am in, I thought about making decorative throw pillows
for the couple from my bridesmaid dress, but I’ve been told by some people
that it would be wrong to give something “used,” and that it would be
offensive to cut up a dress that the bride spent “so much time” picking out.
What do you think?Any advice that you can give is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Broke as a joke
Dear Broke,
Whew.Okay.In order…
Everyone has a different opinion on the “unforgivably gauche” question.It is my belief that, if you attend/participate in the wedding, you must cough up a gift.It is also my belief that, if you got an invitation at all, you should cough up a gift, but opinion on that varies, so in the case of the weddings you don’t plan to attend, I think a nice card or letter wishing the couple well and sending your regrets is fine.
The weddings you do go to, you’ll need a gift for, but you don’t have to buy expensive crystal off the registry; a homemade gift that you put thought and time into is just as good, if not better, as it’s more meaningful.With that said…the bridesmaid’s-dress pillow idea is kind of…weird.If I received that as a gift from one of my ‘maids, it wouldn’t offend me or anything, but…well, it’s weird.So my call on that is homemade gift, yea; pillow made from bridesmaid’s dress, nay.
On the maid of honor tip, no, I don’t think you have to pay for the shower or the bachelorette party; you just have to organize them.(Or do you?I have no idea.I’ve only had the one bridesmaid gig, and as the only out-of-town ‘maid, I didn’t have to deal with these things, really.)I think you get the mother of the bride to cover the shower, if she’s in the picture, and just pass the hat for the bachelorette party, but as I said in a letter from last week, you should sit down with the bride(s) and get a firm grasp of what she expects from you.If you will have to pay for these things, or if the bride expects an extravaganza that you don’t have the resources to plan, you should probably hand off those duties to someone else.
The readers will no doubt queue up to correct me on any and all of these assertions, so watch this space.
Hello Sars!
I’ve got the following problem: There is this couple I know, let’s call them “Jack” and “June.”
Jack is a very good friend of mine. His wife June seems to like me — not
a mutual feeling, I might add. Just to give you the general picture:
she treats him like dirt, “jocularly” calling him stupid, fat, ugly,
uneducated, a failure, a swine, and other charming things both to his
face and behind his back. He, on the other hand, is completely besotted
by her.
Anyway, two years ago June, on Jack’s insistence, stopped smoking.
Rather, she “stopped.” In fact, she continued smoking like a chimney, at
work and on other occasions when Jack wasn’t around. She asked me not to
tell Jack about it, and I dutifully kept my mouth shut. (I disapprove of
the lying part, not the smoking part, as I smoke like a chimney myself;
by the way, I do not think Jack has the right to control her smoking
habits, but she could have fought it out with him openly.)
Up to recently, I was pretty sure that Jack knew anyway (smoky clothes
can be explained away, but cigarettes lugged around in a handbag and,
um, kissing and stuff? I have been told that I taste bad after just one
cigarette) and just didn’t call her on it for the sake of peace. Which
brings us up to the present. Today, the three of us were together, and
June casually mentions in front of him that she smoked the other day. I
ask June, “So, since when are you ‘out’ again?” June: “I told Jack at
Christmas that I’m smoking again.” At this moment, Jack is called away,
and June whispers to me, “Don’t mention to Jack that I’ve been smoking
all the time, he doesn’t know.”
Jack must have understood exactly what my comment implied. (He is
certainly not stupid, regardless of his wife’s “jokes.”) If he brings up
the subject with me, I plan to give him an evasive answer, but what do I
tell him if he doesn’t let it rest? Lying to him outright is not an
option, but telling him everything somehow doesn’t feel okay either,
since his wife trusted me not to. Where is the higher moral ground here? Your advice would be highly appreciated.
Yours,
Cigarette Conundrum
Dear Con,
You shouldn’t have let June put you in the middle — as you yourself say, she and Jack should have fought it out between them — but it doesn’t mean you have to stay there any longer.Tell June that you don’t feel comfortable lying to Jack, that you will tell the truth if asked directly, and that you would appreciate it if she left you out of it from now on because this isn’t the damn sixth grade.If she has a problem with that, well, who cares?It’s her problem, really, and you don’t even like her.
You don’t have to run to Jack and tell him all, but it’s time to put an end to your arrangement with June.
Hi Sars,
I don’t know if you’re the right person to ask about this, but I figure it
doesn’t hurt to try, right?I am in debt.Without my car loan, I owe about
$30,000 to credit cards.No student loans.I am 29 years old, and I have
at last come to the conclusion that being entirely impulsive is not the best
way to live.Which is fine, in its way — I am no longer buying things I
don’t need, I have a budget, and the “not accruing more debt” side is
almost taken care of.
Currently, I have five credit card payments to make per
month, which means that after I hit all my regular bills, I have about
$10/month to spend on gas and food.Which means the likelihood of staying
in that budget is pretty slim.I would like to consolidate to a single,
slightly lower monthly payment, and be out of debt completely in 4-5 years.
My credit union could offer me such a loan, but at a minimum of 14 percent
interest.There’s got to be a better way, right?Or is there?Should I
take the interest hit at the credit union, or is there another plan of
attack?
Thanks,
It’s My Own Fault
Dear Fault,
It doesn’t sound like there’s another way.I don’t know the ins and outs of credit unions, but if it’s a real credit union and not a lending corporation calling itself a credit union, at least they won’t monkey around with the interest rate once you sign on for the consolidated payment.
The only other way I can see is to slash your budget down even further and get rid of everything you don’t absolutely need.And I mean everything.Sell books on eBay.Get rid of your cell phone; get rid of your cable; don’t eat out, don’t take cabs, don’t buy clothes that need dry cleaning, don’t smoke or drink.Not everyone considers that “living,” and I don’t blame them, but if you want more than ten dollars a month for food and gas and you don’t like the sound of that interest rate…it’s all about Ramen and taking the bus.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette health and beauty
