The Vine: May 8, 2007
Sars,
I have a roommate problem I hope you can help me solve. It’s disgusting, but I thought, given the topics of some of your essays, maybe you wouldn’t automatically delete this.
My roommate Lauren and I have known each other for 10 years. We met during college and lived together for a semester. We’ve also traveled together (a couple of cruises, road trips, backpacking through Europe, et cetera) and, when she moved to another city for two years to get a master’s degree, we’d visit and crash at each others apartments for a long weekend four or five times a year. So I’ve spent a lot of time with Lauren over the years and occasionally in cramped quarters. About eight months ago, when both of our leases were up around the same time, we decided to rent an apartment together. Roommating has been fine; we’ve had the odd disagreement over whose turn it is to scrub the kitchen floor but that’s usually resolved with a spirited game of rock-paper-scissors. There’s really just been one problem.
Lauren produces some of the smelliest, loudest, and lingering poos of anyone I’ve ever met.
Now, before you just respond with a quick “well, everybody poops and you should just accept that,” I know that. I’m fine with pooping. But what Lauren is doing is just not natural. Stepping into the bathroom after one of her bowel movements is lot like walking into a dingy truck-stop restroom that’s outside the gas station and not protected by a key. The floor is cleaner and the sink works, but the smell is overpowering and there are always, always, always “remains” in the bowl. A second flush is a requirement.
I don’t remember Lauren having this problem before we started living together. And just six months or so before we moved in, we had shared a cabin on a week-long cruise to Jamaica and I didn’t notice anything then. We eat mostly the same food and I haven’t been displaying Montezuma’s revenge daily for the past year. I thought it might be a food allergy (she always used to complain about stomach aches after eating dairy) but, even on nights when I know she hasn’t had any cheese, she still causes an uproar in the bathroom. It’s so bad that, even when I really, really need to go, I make myself wait at least 30 minutes before following her to the bathroom. And then I’m still greeted with little floaty bits.
I always thought Lauren and I could talk about anything but I don’t think you can broach this subject with even your best friend. I would have absolutely no idea what to say anyway. Everything seems so crass and embarrassing. So what do I do? Should I suggest moving to a two-bathroom apartment when our lease is up next year? Invest in a gas mask? Forward her a link to your “Wild Tofurkey” essay and hope she gets the hint and finds a good allergist?
I know this entire thing is really gross and I wouldn’t blame you for just deleting this email, but I’m hoping you have some idea of what I should do.
Scatological humor’s only funny in the movies
Dear Scat,
Yes, everybody poops, but when you share living quarters with other people, you do need to at least attempt to mitigate any poop aftershocks. That means leaving a clean bowl — no floaty bits, no smears — and addressing any lingering air-quality issues by lighting a match, firing up some incense, or whatever.
The first thing, you need to start calling her on. I know it’s not fun, and you don’t have to do it meanly, but she doesn’t sound like a pig otherwise, or a jackass; if she’s flushing and leaving the bathroom without checking the bowl, she clearly just doesn’t know — but she needs to, and she needs to start doing a bowl check, because how much corn she eats is nobody’s business but her own.
(Oh, you were thinking it.)
The second part you can take care of yourself. Keep a box of matches in the bathroom, or a cute vase from Ikea with incense sticks arranged in it, or a few scented tealights, and if you have to follow Lauren into the bathroom, breathe through your mouth and take action. Lighting a match is the best solution; I don’t know why it kills poo smell, and sometimes it takes two strikes, but it does work.
It does sound to me like she might have some sort of food sensitivity, and if she’s like, “What’s with the giant vanilla pillar?”, you might mention to her that it’s concerning you, but otherwise: 1) matches on the tank; 2) no riders in the bowl.
Dear Sars,
I am a 30-year-old woman, and I have been seeing a 28-year-old man for about nine months now. Prior to our becoming a couple, we were good friends and, actually, roommates, and somehow successfully made the jump from “friends” to “couple.” He is my best friend and I love him with all of my heart, and I am sure that he feels the same.
Now, no longer roommates, the problem comes in. Overall, this is the best relationship I have ever been a part of, but we have a sleep issue.
As in many modern relationships, we often find ourselves in the position to stay at each other’s apartments overnight. But we have trouble sleeping together for a number of reasons, although most of those reasons tend to fall in his corner. The first issue is that he is allergic to my cat, and gets stuffy and itchy when he tries to sleep at my house. I know that Benadryl or some other sort of allergy remedy might work, but we both live a generally organic and natural
lifestyle and we tend to shy away from pharmaceutical remedies as a long-term solution to ailments. We’ve tried a few of the homeopathic remedies for cat allergies and none of them seem to work. I try to keep my place very clean and put on new sheets and vacuum when he is
coming over, but again, no luck (especially since my little cat loves to burrow under the blankets as soon as I change the sheets, and it is not an option to keep her out of my bedroom).
The second issue is that I snore and he has trouble sleeping while I’m snoring. I have used Breathe Right strips before, and while they sort of work, it is difficult to remember them every night and they’re not always effective. I suppose I could get into the habit of applying them every night before going to bed, but I’m wondering if your readers know of any other snoring remedies that are more practical and maybe not so un-sexy.
Lastly, I suspect that there is some sort of underlying issue going on that stems from his work hours (he works at a concert venue, and as such, ends up working until 2 or 3 AM many nights of the week), which throw off his sleeping schedule, even when he has some time off. In addition, he has trouble with the fact that my cat walks on the bed and generally carouses about at night; while I take this as comforting (I grew up with cats and their nocturnal proclivities), it bothers him. I also think that he just has trouble sleeping with someone else, and has trouble sleeping in general — my instincts tell me that stress may have something to do with it, but that’s a more nebulous issue to attack and I don’t know how to approach it just yet.
I just don’t know what to do. We have very limited time together, since I work days and he works nights, and when he tries to stay with me (and he makes an effort, which is to his credit), he often first moves to the couch and then ends up going home in the early hours of the morning because he can’t breathe and just can’t sleep. He feels horrible about this and it makes me feel a bit insecure. If I stay at his place, he still has trouble with my snoring, and I end up with a lot of guilt for leaving my cat alone for so long and honestly, I feel kind of stupid for the snoring thing.
So, I suppose my question is multi-fold: First, I wonder if it is “normal” for an adult couple to avoid spending the night at each other’s apartments because of issues like cats and snoring and weird sleep schedules. Are we just doomed because of these things? Are we kidding ourselves that we can work it out? Are sleep issues like this just an indicator of a crappy relationship? It doesn’t feel that way and I don’t want it to be that way, but I have to ask. The second part to my question is just the practical stuff: are there ways to quit snoring? Are cat allergies something that someone can overcome?
Cheers,
I love my boyfriend, my cat, and my nasal passages…looking for a way to reconcile the three
Dear Rec,
You’ve found ways to reconcile the three; you just don’t like the ways. And that’s…kind of too bad. If you know Benadryl works, but he just doesn’t want to take it, and if you know Breathe-Rites work, but you just don’t want to wear them, I…don’t really know what to tell you. No, they’re not sexy; neither is sneezing and hacking all night because you don’t believe in over-the-counter allergy medication. Solutions exist to these problems, and the solutions are quite a bit less unappealing than the problems themselves, so: your boy needs to either start taking Benadryl (or Tavist D, which won’t make him as sleepy) or take himself to an allergist to get tested and get some recommendations. Doctors deal with this all the time, and surely you can find an allergy specialist with a holistic/homeopathic focus. Get an air purifier. Keep the cat off the bed during the day and lint-roll the bed at night. Yes, it’s an extra effort, but…that’s the reality.
As far as the snoring goes, wear the Breathe-Rites regularly. Visit an ear, nose, and throat specialist to make sure there’s nothing else going on. Try to make yourself sleep on your side, which cuts down on log-sawing. Buy your boyfriend earplugs or a white-noise machine; if he moves to the couch in the middle of the night, don’t take it personally. You’re not trying to snore, but he can’t sleep. That’s the reality.
The reality is also perhaps that the two of you just do not sleep well together, but I suspect that this is more the norm than the happy-scrappy blissful spooning world we’ve all come to expect from Lunesta commercials. Light sleepers fall in love with thrashers. Covers-burrito sleepers fall in love with one-foot-out people. Snorers and non-snorers, whole-mattress-starfish-pose guys with curled-up fiddlehead-fern girls, sweaty sleeptalkers and peaceful coffin-posers…sleep styles clash, and I think people feel way worse about that fact, and read way too much into what it says about the relationship, than they should.
I think you should address yourself more seriously to the solutions available, but I also think you should try not to get upset about how you’re doomed as a couple because you can’t spend the entire night dreaming in one another’s arms. Sometimes couples have separate bedrooms; I’ve spent many nights on the couch. If that’s your reality, it’s not the end of the world, so don’t let it dictate what you think about the relationship otherwise.
Tags: cats etiquette health and beauty roommates
