Hi Sars,

Love your site, just thought I’d my two cents re: hair dye.In my
experience, the best-lasting semi-permanent dye (and there don’t seem
to be permanent ones for the purples/bright reds/greens) is Paintbox by
Fudge.That can be a bit tricky to find, so a distant second is
Special Effects.

But yeah, you just have to wash your hair less, which is lousy for me,
too, because I also have dandruff.I found that scrubbing my head
every day with a regular color-friendly shampoo keeps it under control
well enough (as opposed to the other thing I tried, which was only
washing my hair three times a week, but using a dandruff shampoo when I
did–that didn’t work as well), but that might not work for Grape.I
still have to touch it up every 3-4 weeks.

Red fades even faster than purple

So here’s my recent problem. I’m a senior at a Big East Basketball school, and I’ve been playing in the band for four years. During these years, I’ve made a lot of friends, but there was always a core group of five of us. For the past four years, I’ve practically gotten on my hands and knees and begged my friends to come to a game and watch me play and support me. Yes, I know I’m just in the band but I’ve been playing since grade school and it’s something I really love and enjoy. My dad has come to every single men’s game, and almost all the women’s games. And he lives over an hour and a half away. I don’t think it’s too big a deal to ask my friends to come to one game!

So this past week was my senior game. I sent an email my closest four friends and begged them to come about two weeks before the game so they would have plenty of time to make plans. I mentioned it to them constantly and explained how important it was to me, because it was a culmination of my four years of playing, and during the time out they called us onto midcourt and annouced our names and everything. They all promised they’d come. When I got to the game, no one showed up.

I was really upset about it and confronted all of them. Friend “R” told me earlier that day she was sick, and spent the next four days apologizing profusely. Friend “N” did the same, including coming over to my house with flowers. The other two said nothing. The one I’m most upset with is Friend “A” because her lame excuse was that she couldn’t afford not to work (which I understand) and that in my email since I only mentioned taking off work as an option, and not switching with someone else, she didn’t realize she could do it.

So here comes my question. Am I being unreasonable by being so upset over this? I know it’s just a game, but it meant a lot to me and it’s so upsetting that in four years my supposed best friends at school couldn’t be bothered to show up to one game. Am I wrong for forgiving “N” and “R” and not “A”? I mean, “A” never apologized or acted sorry, so why should I forgive her? Also, we’re graduating in May and I don’t want to ruin friendships this late in the game, but if “A” couldn’t be bothered to take three hours out of one night to support me, is the friendship really worth it?

Pained Piccolo Player

Dear Sars,

I’m an adherent of the “friendships have a lifespan” theory, but right
now I’m in a really weird and delicate situation. I’d be grateful for
any suggestions.

“Sue” and I were great friends all through elementary school and high
school. Our personalities and interests are very different, but we
shared many similar experiences and viewpoints, so we got along great
when we were younger. After high school, I moved to the east coast for
college, and Sue stayed close to our Midwestern hometown. During our
four-year college careers, we drifted apart. This didn’t bother me
much — I had some other high school friendships that faded too, and I’d
just accepted it as part of life. Our contact became so sporadic that
I subconsciously filed Sue under “friendly acquaintance” rather than
“good friend.” After graduation, I got a job in Big East Coast City
and Sue remained in the Midwest.

Sue would contact me once every few months or so. She called or
emailed when she needed advice or a listening ear. I’d give her my
opinion and we’d make small talk, but I never felt a need to initiate
contact with her. Our relationship was rather one-sided at this point,
but I didn’t give it much thought because our chats were so
infrequent.

Then along came the Jerkface.

Sue fell violently in love with the Jerkface. He’s a greasy, sleazy,
dregs-of-society kind of guy, and he has a history of domestic
violence. Sue knew all about his sordid past, but insisted that he’d
had a change of heart, and that she knew what she was doing, and that
he was the one for her. I honestly didn’t care that they were
dating — we weren’t close anymore, and she’s an adult who can make her
own decisions.

Nearly a year passed with no contact from Sue. I was fine with this — I
figured she’d settled into her own life. But one day, out of the blue,
Sue unleashed a barrage of calls and emails upon me, all “oh, Jerkface
is so mean, we argue all the time, boys are dumb, blah blah
drama-cakes, I don’t deserve this, what should I do?”

And that was…random. She just dropped this thing on me like it’s old
times. I couldn’t just give her advice and small talk — I knew barely
anything about her anymore. It wouldn’t be fair to her if I kept
playing along like I was still into it. Our friendship was past its
expiry date. So, as nicely and as gently as I could, I essentially
told her the following: “Sue…if Jerkface sucks so much, find someone
better. I’m sorry, but we’re very different people, living very
different lives. We don’t have anything in common anymore. I wish you
well, I really do, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

She assured me she was fine with that. She went her own way, and I
went mine, no hard feelings. A few months later, I received a wedding
invitation from Sue and Jerkface. I respectfully declined (a minor
medical procedure had temporarily limited my ability to travel) but I
sent a nice card. Several more months passed.

I hadn’t heard anything else until a few weeks ago. Apparently,
Jerkface got violently drunk and physically harmed Sue. The police
were involved, domestic abuse, the whole nine yards. They’re getting
an annulment, and Sue is devastated. Fortunately, she has supportive
family and friends who are just minutes away from her, so she’s not
alone.

I could understand if she contacted me once or twice over this. But
she’s been leaving me panicky, heartbroken voicemails and emails for
over two weeks now, saying “you’re the only one who can give me moral
support!” I’m not denying that her situation is terrible, but
that’s…overwhelming and WEIRD. I barely know anything about her or
her situation. I’m 1600 miles away. There’s nothing I can do for her.

She is completely destroyed over this. Can you think of any way I can
tactfully extricate myself from her attentions without hurting her
even worse?

Signed,
Baffled in Midtown