Dear Sars,

This isn’t nearly as life-and-death as many of the problems you get, but I’m
curious about your opinion.The “Save Touched by an Angel from atheists
who are petitioning the FCC to remove all mention of God from TV!” forward
landed in my inbox for the five millionth time today, courtesy of one of
many friends who believe that anything they read on the internet must be
true.After rolling my eyes, I am somewhat at a loss as far as appropriate
netiquette goes.

The way I see it, there are a couple of options: I could (a) roll my eyes,
hit delete, and think no more about it until the next one arrives; or (b) go
to snopes.com, find the appropriate debunking, hit “reply all,” and paste the
Snopes URL into the message along with a note that forwarded messages should
be regarded with some skepticism.

Hitting delete is definitely the non-rocking-the-boat way to go, but I keep
getting these types of messages over and over again and wonder if the people
who send them simply don’t know that the claims made can’t possibly be real.
At the same time, I don’t want to belittle anyone or come across as rude.
What do you think?

Signed,
Walt Disney Jr. Is Not Really Going To Give You A $50 Gap Gift Certificate
If You Forward This Message To Thirty People After You Steal Someone’s
Kidney

Dear Walt,

It’s a fine line between sharing information and sounding snotty.I’d suggest sending a gentle email to the original sender, pointing out that Snopes has debunked [insert scare story here], and actually it’s a very informative site that — hint, hint — they might enjoy exploring.

A lot of people don’t cotton to that suggestion, though, and if your friend really wants to believe that Congress is planning to pass a tax on email, well, just roll your eyes and hit delete.It’s faster anyway.

Hey Sars…

I have a dilemma which really is about other people’s problems and not mine.
I would like some advice on how to respond to them.Three years ago, I
dropped out of my parent’s ideal college for me, after four years of failing
miserably at the major they thought would be perfect for me.I had a big
party, gave away all of my big shit, packed all of my little shit in my car,
and moved 2000 miles away with a couple hundred dollars to my name and a
hefty school loan to pay.Here I am, three years later.Mom and Dad finally
have realized how much happier I am when I do what I want.I have never
gone back to school, and have no intentions or wishes to do so.I take
reservations, making okay money, for a really great company.I can hop on
my snowboard and take a few quick runs before work, and reserve the
honeymoon suite for my mom at $50 a week.I am as happy as a pig in poo.

The problem is this: My boyfriend’s family, and my family (generally the
elders), do not seem to understand that I have no desire to finish/further my
college education.My material needs are not many, and are met.I don’t
ask for anyone’s help financially.I enjoy what I do.I understand that
back in the day, a degree was unnattainable for many, and I respect those in
my family who struggled to get theirs.If I change my mind when I’m 45 and
decide I want a degree, I will do it.They say, “But it will be so hard
then.”I personally think it would be tremendously more difficult now,
since it is not something I want at all (I already failed once when I tried
to do it for someone else).Hell, I slept in my car in the middle of winter
for two weeks not knowing if I would get a job the next day.Degree…no
problem.I’ve been to the School of Hard Knocks, and graduated with honors!

I only get to visit my family about once a year now.It’s always the same
thing: “Nice to see you, when are you going back to school?”It really
sucks that my visits home are tainted with this, as I want to enjoy visiting
relatives, and being so far away has made me appreciate family.Somehow,
“Hey Grandpa, kiss my ass and pass the potatoes” doesn’t seem appropriate.
Even more horrid: “Hey honey, could you tell your Aunt Edna to take her Ph.D
and stick it where the sun don’t shine.”I’ve toyed with the notion of
saying I got my degree online, but I’m continuing my line of work because I
enjoy it.Unless they hired a P.I., no one would ever know.My only problem
with that is I hate to lie, and I am terrible at it.

What is a nice way to get my point across, while not leaving any hint that
they may be able to talk me into it in the future?I know they are
concerned for me, but doesn’t my happiness count as success?I mean, what is
success, anyway?

Thanks,
Uncertified Smart-Ass

Dear Smart,

I’ll recommend the same strategy I customarily do to folks dealing with unwanted questions.Smile benevolently and ask why they want to know.Listen to the answer and nod; then ask again why they want to know.Keep asking, in a mild but genuinely curious tone, why they’ve taken such an interest.Ideally, the petitioners will realize after a couple of rounds that you don’t care to discuss it, and that further insistence on their part is both rude and pointless.

Of course, if everyone caught their snaps in an “ideal” fashion, I’d have no column here.Your family may not take the hint, in which case, remark with a smile that you’ll get around to it eventually and change the subject.

Sars,

Not one to generally solicit advice, I’m sometimes characterized as
stubborn. Your advice, however, doesn’t seem to be too far off the mark, and
man, have I got a problem. It starts off with “there’s this guy, see,” and goes
downhill from there. I’d couch it in all sorts of vague references, but
here, I’ll just be straight up.

He’s a relative (man, can I even be straight up about this? Lessee…). He’s my
cousin. Yes, first cousin (y’know, it’s not true that first cousins are
guaranteed inbred kids…). We’ve known each other for almost forever. We’ve
always been close. If not for the fact that he lived in another city, I
would have said we were best friends growing up, but that’s kind of hard
when you only see one another once a year or at family gatherings. We had a
bit of a thing when I was in high school, but we ignored it and never spoke
of it (one night together, but no sex, just making out). When I finished
high school, I moved to his city and attended university there. We spent a
good deal of time together. I started seeing someone, he started seeing
someone, it looked like things were going to be fine. Then two years later,
the guy I was living with moved away without telling me (just up and moved
out — had his parents get his things out of our place). I was devastated,
and that evening, I went to the cousin (damn — I have to give him a name.
let’s call him “Xavier”) and cried on his shoulder. Until 3 AM, when the crying
somehow turned to making out, and then. Dun dun dun. We slept together.

And on the history goes. We said “oh, what a mistake, we should never, ever
have done this” and all the while I was thinking, “Why the hell not? It’s
obvious to the ENTIRE UNIVERSE that I totally love this guy.” We agreed
never to do it again, until the following week. I asked why we couldn’t just
make a go of it since we obviously cared for one another, but then he said
it would be too hard, and that we shouldn’t see one another anymore, but we
couldn’t stay apart, so the cycle went on like that for a couple of months.
Then, not being able to hack that, I moved away. Which was fine for a while,
until he moved to MY city, and then it started up again. So I moved AGAIN.
Man, I couldn’t handle the whole illicit nature of the deal. If we’re gonna
do it, then we should do it and world be damned. If we’re not, then we
shouldn’t be anywhere near one another.

And years passed, and that seemed to be the end of that, and he got married
to a fairly nice person (well, I don’t HATE her, I suppose. But she drinks a
lot — heh!). And I was all right with that, wanting happiness for him, but
knowing in my heart that I would always love him more than life itself. If
he needed a kidney or a lung, or a liver or a heart, he could have mine. No
problem. I wouldn’t mind. Honest.

So very recently, we were alone together at a family gathering type of
thing. He broke the code of silence, Sars. It wasn’t fair. I was being good,
and cooperative, and trying just to NOT THINK OF IT!! But there he went; he
asked me what I thought about it. He pried. He said he was concerned about
me, he thought about the being together stuff, and missed me and cared about
me, and asked if he was responsible for the way I deal with men in my life
now (the typical shelf life of my relationships is max three months). And of
course, to spare him any concern, I said, “Oh, no, silly, don’t think that.
If you were responsible, I’d be bitter towards you,” but thinking
simultaneously, “Yeah, jackass, it’s all your frickin’ fault, and I’ll die
with a broken heart because you didn’t have the balls to make a life with
me, when I was willing to give up family and incur whatever trouble the
world could dish out on us.” And we talked about the thing for about 45
minutes, and then agreed never to speak of it again (I believe my final
words on the matter were “the first one to bring it up again is WEAK!!”).

However, here’s the problem. I had managed to numb myself to existence quite
nicely over the past several years. Hating the job, but not really worrying
about it. Living in the bad city, but not worrying about it. I had accepted
the fact that my dreams were nice and dead, and I was okay with it. But since
The Talk, I’m all disturbed. My broken heart is apparent to me again. It
hurts. My dissatisfaction with the way things are is like salt, being rubbed
into an old wound that has cracked open. It totally, totally sucks.

Should I be sucking it up? Should I be confronting this dude? Should I bury
my head in the sand and ignore it, knowing that as time keeps on tickin’, it
will become as a speck on the horizon? He did say that he lies to his wife,
and that he doesn’t like that she drinks. I hardly see that as a sign
they’re going to break up, and man, I don’t know if I want that anyway. It’s
not like he’d come and live with me if they did. And it’s not like I’m
a young thing pining away for a forbidden love — I’m frickin’ thirty, and am
starting to worry here. We email every day. I’m fairly sure I could, if
forced with no other options, cut him out of my life, but I would hate it.

The thing is, too, that he hit the nail on the head. I’m still harboring and always
will harbor feelings (looooove) for this dumb guy. I would, without
hesitation, lay down my life for him. And no one else ever measures up. The
guys I see are all right, but just all right. They’re never “spectacular” or
anyone I’d want to spend my life with.

Maybe it’s just me. I mean, I know that he’d annoy me if we had to spend
forever together. I get annoyed with everyone, eventually. I’m getting old
and crotchety and set in my ways, because I know there’s very little
possibility of me ending up with anyone. Should I just let it ride? Go with
it? I make a nice crazy lady with cats (sitting on a porch somewhere with a
big pitcher of really sour lemonade that I’ll want the mailman to share with
me and force him to endure tales of my nieces and nephews). Aaaaaaaah!!! I’m
angry with him, but I know that I probably won’t stop loving him. I’ve said
all this before. Am I doomed? I feel like I’m trapped in a damn Bronte novel
or something. And I don’t even LIKE their writing!

Any suggestions? Comments?

Wishing I could excise my own heart…

Dear Wishing,

Get therapy.Get a lot of it.Get it now.

I say that not because Xavier is your cousin, although that’s certainly not immaterial, but because he has taken over your emotional life completely.You sleepwalk through your life, working a crappy job, living in a crappy city, not expecting or trying for anything better, accepting the death of your dreams because you tied them all to one person whom you must have known all along you could never have.

That’s what’s fucked up here.It’s not the cousin element in and of itself — yeah, it’s frowned upon, but I suspect that it’s exactly why you attached yourself to him, too, because it’s impossible.”Maybe we could” this, “maybe if we had” that — no.Not going to happen, ever, and in your heart, you know it.For years now, you’ve continued to view him as both the cause of and the solution to all of your problems, because it’s easier than facing your shit.

It’s time to face your shit now, whatever it is, and move on.Find a supportive counselor, and explore the reasons why you’ve let Xavier dictate the terms of most of your adult life.Figure out what you want to do with the rest of that life — what you want to become, how you want to spend the time.Accept that you and Xavier will never have a life together, grieve that fact thoroughly, and get on with things.

I don’t mean to sound all blame-y here.We all get into situations we can’t see a way out of.But I don’t think you want a way out of it — I think you’ve come to rely on it for whatever reason, and that’s a problem, and for the sake of your own happiness, you have to figure out why you do that, stop doing it, and start taking steps to put an end to the drama.

[11/1/02]

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