Hey Sars —

About two years before I met my now-fiance, he purchased a home. To call it a fixer-upper would be an understatement — the house had not been lived in for 10 years before he purchased it, and it was on the verge of being legally condemned. He has been steadily renovating it ever since, and while he has made beautiful progress, naturally, there is a lot left to be done. (He is doing all the work himself — with my help — but you’d be amazed at how much supplies cost. It really adds up quickly.)

The other day, my mother asked us if we had given any thought to where we might register for our upcoming wedding, and my fiance joked, “Home Depot?” We all laughed, but it got me thinking…my fiance and I don’t really need the towels, linens, and bud vases that end up on most registries. What we really need is nails, saw blades, caulk, paint, and so on and so forth. It occurred to me that maybe it would be possible to have our parents spread the word that what we really would like is gift cards to home improvement stores when people contact them to ask about our registry information (we wouldn’t be putting it on the invitations). And I can’t decide whether this is creative and practical, or unbelievably tacky.

On the one hand, I know it’s absolutely classless to ask for cash as a gift, and most people consider gift cards in the same category as cash. On the other hand, registering is the process of compiling a list and basically asking people to choose something off the list to buy for you; is that really any different in principle than asking for a gift card? People who would want to buy us a present to celebrate our wedding would presumably want to give us something we could really use and enjoy, and for us, that means laminate flooring rather than a crock pot. But I don’t want to offend anybody, and other people may not see it that way.

I was thinking about a compromise where we ask our parents to tell people who inquire that we could really use home improvement store gift cards, but we complete a small registry anyway, for people who feel uncomfortable with the gift card idea. What do you think? Or should I just drop the idea altogether and register at a regular department store? It’s not like it would be the worst thing in the world to have new towels and linens, et cetera, but there are so many other things we would love to have more — such as, for example, a floor in the guest room. Because right now? Bare-ass plywood. So what do you think, Sars? Is there any way to do this so that it is not embarrassingly tacky?

Sincerely,
I Totally Expect Your Answer To Be “Oh, sweetie…. No.”

Dear Well, I’m A Complicated Person,

I don’t see why you can’t do both — I didn’t really get too in-depth on the site, but HomeDepot.com does have a gift registry link right on the homepage, so, problem solved.Just register there, and somewhere more “conventional” like Williams-Sonoma or Macy’s, and people can decide which registry they’d rather buy from.

You could also rig it so you only tell people who ask about the Home Depot registry, but then anyone who goes on one of the wedding sites and does a registry search for you will find the other one — and if more hidebound friends and relatives complain that they “can’t” buy you paint rollers, you can give in and point them to the tea napkins.

I would not ask for gift cards or anything like that, though.Just put together the registries and let the gifts fall where they may.

Sars:

I have a problem that’s been bothering me for some
time, I don’t really
have anyone with whom I feel comfortable discussing
it, and, since I
respect your opinion, I was hoping you could offer me
some of your
patented sage advice.

I am in my mid-thirties and married. My wife and I
starting dating
around 10 years ago, and got married about five years
ago. Last year we
had a baby. My wife and I have had a pretty good
relationship — we have
very different personalities and we’ve had our ups and
downs, but we
understand the importance of good communication, and
we usually wind up
talking problems through pretty well.Having the
baby has put a lot of
pressure on our relationship, between jobs and child
care and
maintaining the house, and we sometimes have problems
connecting; although the
communication is usually there, the emotional
component often feels
missing.

About a year and a half ago, we met another married
couple — A and B —
through a group we both participate in.We became
pretty good
friends with them.We see them once every week or
two at group meetings,
and we occasionally go out to dinner with them. My
wife has also
become friends with B, the woman, andgoes out to
lunch with her once in a
while.

A is a pretty good guy — a bit boring, distant in an
odd way, sometimes
not too nice to B, but generally a pretty good egg.

My problem really centers on B.I can’t stop
thinking about her.
It’s not because she’s physically a knockout, although
I think she’s very
pretty.I just love being around her.She’s very
funny, warm, smart
and creative.She recently went through a terrible
crisis and handled
it with truly inspiring grace and wisdom.I could
listen to her talk
about anything or nothing all day long.

B doesn’t know how I feel, my wife doesn’t know — no
one does.The
feeling more or less crept up on me.I don’t have
even a bit of dog in
me, which makes this more upsetting.I’ve never been
unfaithful or
tempted to be unfaithful to anyone I’ve been with;
I’ve always been a one-woman kind of guy.I’ve never developed a crush of
any sort since I
met my wife.Ironically, I always felt that people
can kind of choose
to give in to feelings like this or not — but I don’t
feel that way
anymore.I didn’t really choose this.I just
realized that B is
someone whose company I really prefer to my wife’s.

There is no possibility of me ever being unfaithful.
Even if I didn’t
believe strongly it was wrong, I’m sure B wouldn’t be
interested.

Still, the problem is that I can’t stop thinking about
her, getting
exciting about seeing her again, and comparing my wife
unfavorably to her
in many ways.I tried being less involved in the
group at which I met
her, so I don’t see her as often, but out of sight
does not readily
translate to out of mind.I’ve often thought
(rationalized?) that my
feelings are essentially a harmless phase I’m going
through. Maybe they
are, although I’ve felt this way for about a year, and
it bothers me
all the time.

I’m not sure what to do.Quit the
group?Tell my wife
I don’t want to see A and B any more?Stick myself with
a pin every time
I think of B?

Thanks,
No pens or magnets, please — just some advice

Dear Cheap Date,

Not that B isn’t a lovely person, but…I don’t think this is about B, at least not entirely.This is about your marriage and the fact that certain changes within it aren’t being addressed.

Having a child changes a relationship — sometimes for good, sometimes for ill, sometimes both, and I don’t have kids, but I can imagine that it’s pretty hard to negotiate those changes when you’re also negotiating diaper changes and nighttime feedings and whatnot.Still, the changes happen.You’re not just a couple now; you’re parents as well, and it’s not a negative.It’s just different, and you might want to take a look at how that’s affecting your feelings for your wife.

The other thing to remember about your feelings for B is that, again, I’m sure she’s great, but — you don’t live with her.You aren’t intimate with her.You haven’t seen her waxing her lip or shaking off a 24-hour stomach bug.There’s an idealization that goes with crushes that’s probably all the more in play at the moment because you’ve been with your wife for ten years, and maybe she (your wife) is run ragged with the baby and neither of you is making time for the two of you as a couple anymore, whatever — the point is that a lot of these feelings are probably about B just not being your wife.

And this is totally normal, I think.I’ve had crushes in relationships before, and they suck and are anxiety-inducing, but they tend to stem from a dissatisfaction in the relationship.You don’t seem inclined to leave your wife, and it sounds like you’re aware that you’re just out of phase with her right now, so…I would talk to her about it.Leave B out of it; that’s not a fight you want.Just leave the baby with a sitter for a few hours on a weekend afternoon, if you can, and sit down with some coffee and talk about your marriage and what you’d like to get out of it.It takes work, and especially when you’re new parents and you’ve got no time, it can seem like a better choice to just leave the relationship on auto-pilot until the kid is in college, but that’s not really working for you.Set aside some couple time, plan a vacation, make more of an effort to connect with your wife instead of just being frustrated that it isn’t happening.

But mostly, don’t beat yourself up about it.Relationships go through down periods where you’re just kind of co-existing, but if you’re engaged with the problem and interested in working it out, you can work it out.

I have an etiquette question for you:

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as multiple
personalities). I was diagnosed about nine months ago. I’m in therapy, getting
help, getting better, all that good stuff, but since my diagnosis I’ve had a
hard time forming new relationships. I never quite know when to tell them about
me and the others.

I’ve tried being up front, with results from “hey, my mom has that!” to “for my
own personal safety, I don’t think I can talk to you anymore” (even though the
only person I have ever been a danger to is myself). Most times I put it off,
and then have the anxiety that the other person will feel betrayed, like I’m
not really the person I portrayed myself to be (which is, for the most part,
true).

I also need to find a roommate. I don’t want to be broadcasting my trauma
history to the entire city, but it’s hardly fair to get someone to sign a lease
and then inform them that they have 19 roommates.

There is such a stigma surrounding mental illness, especially those that are
controversial like DID. I’m wondering as I write this whether you will believe
me.

Thanks for any input,
All of Us

Dear Why Not Take Alllll Of Uuuuuus / Can’t You See / We’re No Good Without Youuuuuu,

What I know about this controversial disorder consists of a few Law & Order reruns, and in any case, it doesn’t matter what I believe; what matters is how the diagnosis affects your ability to interact with people, and I think your decision to be honest about it early on is a good one.Otherwise, some of your behavior could get confusing for other people, so it’s better to let them know what’s going on in that regard.

And by that same token, you should absolutely let potential roommates know about it, so that they can make informed decisions about whether to live with you.It’s probably going to make it harder to fill that spot, but if I were in their position and I didn’t know about it until after I’d moved in and you blamed one of your other personalities for, say, not writing down a phone message (not to be flip — again, I don’t know how this syndrome manifests), I’d be weirded out that you hadn’t divulged this information before I moved in.

I agree with you that there’s a stigma, but there’s also a stigma surrounding failure to provide full disclosure of something like this in a living situation.So, unless you want a series of abrupt move-outs when future roomies figure out what’s up, disclose it now.

Dear Sars:

I consider myself a reasonable, well-adjusted, calm, even-tempered person.I believe that I am a good co-worker, a good friend, a good wife, and a good mother. I think that when life throws me a curve ball, I am able to catch with a minimum of effort.I truly love my life, my family, and until recently, my job.

I work as an administrative assistant in a large college within a larger university.A couple of months ago, a couple of co-workers (V and J) moved off to work under a new director for a newly created component of our college office.The rest of us (those left within the main office) fully supported this move and pledged to do whatever we could to help them set up shop.This includes allowing them use of our supplies, paying for phone lines, and paying their salary until a budget line could be created for this newly created component.An aspect of my position is that I am “office manager.”As such, I approve any purchases made through our office.I allowed V and J to have whatever they needed.I did not give them any hassle or trouble, though I did inquire discreetly here and there if the new computers and other big ticket items were really needed. All in all, they did get everything they requested.

During this transition time, something happened that has made V and J deeply resent me.I don’t know if it is the fact that I must approve the purchases or something else.I caught wind of this resentment early and tried very hard to keep them from finding fault with me or with my work.I did not confront them when I overheard them trash-talking me to each other.I reasoned that confronting them when I was upset (who wouldn’t be?) wasn’t going to solve any difficulties -– it would only fuel their fire.I showed my face shortly after the trash-talking session ended, knowing that they would realize I had been there the entire time and heard the whole thing.That was enough for me.I didn’t think I needed to say anything more.

I have also tried to smooth over email correspondence from myself that both V and J have read incorrectly.When this happened, I called V and J on the telephone so they could hear my tone of voice and realize that I was not angry or upset.There are more examples but I think you get the gist. I had also told my supervisor of all of these things –- not so that he could solve the problem, but so he could understand the deteriorating relationship.

Today, everything blew up in my face.I had organized a rather large, involved day-long meeting for last Friday which included breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The leftovers had been packaged up and placed in the office fridge.Monday morning I came in and went to the fridge to heat up some of the leftovers. Everything was gone.Now, I wasn’t angry, just intensely curious, as we have reason to believe that the maintenance crew who comes and cleans during the night has been taking leftover food.To my knowledge, they have never taken anything that has been put away either in a fridge or in a cupboard.I wasn’t willing to rush over and accuse the maintenance crew without asking everyone who worked or had keys to our office (i.e., V and J).

I want to make this clear: I was asking everyone who had a key to our office, regardless if they worked in our office or not, if they had taken the leftovers. I asked nearly everyone verbally over the course of the day.I couldn’t get a hold of V by phone so I sent her an email basically saying that we had a mystery to solve and I wondered if she knew what had happened to the food from the meeting.I had another co-worker check the email to see if there was anything potentially volatile in it, and we both declared it okay to send.

Today, I came into the office and our student worker informed me that V had called extremely angry because I had accused her of stealing. My student worker tried to explain the reasons for asking but V was having none of it.She basically raked my student worker over the coals.I was upset that V had taken out her anger on my student worker so I tried to phone her.She didn’t answer (we do have Caller ID) but I could see that she was on IM.I emailed her an apology and received a very terse “hurt and wounded” email in response.Then J emailed me with a very accusatory message basically saying that she hoped I felt good about myself for making V feel like shit and how dare I accuse her of stealing.

I printed out the emails, and went to my supervisor.I am not ashamed to admit that I was in tears at this point.I told my supervisor that I was at my level of taking shit from these two and something now needed to be done.My supervisor and I went to V and J’s supervisor and we explained the situation and asked him to help us solve the problem.V and J’s supervisor did speak with them, told them that he expected a level of professionalism from his office and expected them to be professional from now on.He told them that they didn’t have to like me, but that they have to be civil with me.

I know it might sound like I am self-congratulating (see how much I’ve put up with; see how much patience I have; look at how good I am for not responding) but I truly have tried to put aside my personal thoughts so I can work with V and J on a professional level.Trouble is, all I really want to do is walk over there and throttle both of them.I want to find out what it is that has made them dislike me so much.I want to list all of the things they have done to me that I have let go.I want to do so many things.But, because I promised that I would be professional and civil, I will.

Now here’s my question (you knew I was coming to one, right?): How can I be civil and professional when they are such asses?I fully expect to be badmouthed even more now and I completely believe that there is going to be some sort of retaliation from them.How can I deal with this?

Signed,
Counting to Ten Ain’t Cutting it Anymore

Dear Cutting,

You stop bending over backwards to get them to like you, or to make it up to them, or to smooth things over with them, or whatever, is how.”Professional and civil,” yes.Responding to their verbal abuse of a student worker in your department by apologizing, instead of asking for an apology from them?No.

I don’t know why they don’t like you, but your pointed efforts to get back int their good graces are clearly making them resent you on top of it, so just stop.Sign off on their purchases, nod politely in the halls, do what you have to do as part of your job — but beyond that, just stop.They’re dicks.If it’s affecting anything you have to do for work, make a note of it and go over their heads; if it’s not, blow it off.

I mean, “retaliation”?Like what, they leave a horse’s head in your desk?Both supervisors know what’s going on, and if you’re doing your job and not getting into it with them, any attempts to retaliate probably won’t go anywhere.But you really need to expect professionalism from them instead of going out of your way to protect their feelings or avoid confrontation; look at your handling of Leftoversgate.You had a co-worker look at the email to make sure you wouldn’t offend them?Why, if you were just trying to find out who had keys when and how this might have happened?For V to get her back up about it is ridiculous, and for J to then come riding to her rescue when it’s between you and V?They’re taking advantage of how delicately you handle them to behave like children.

I’m all for everyone getting along in the workplace but I think you’ve expended just about enough effort on these two.Bracing for/trying to avoid another attack isn’t working, so quit doing it, expect them to act right, and if they don’t, call them on it.Otherwise, ignore them.

Sars —

I don’t know whether I should classify this problem as
a question of wedding protocol, sibling rivalry, or
just beastly behavior on my part, but I could use your
advice. First the background:

My little brother called me five days ago to announce
his very recent engagement.He is a 23-year-old
unemployed student at a small college in Idaho.I’ll
call him Adam.His intended is a 19-year-old
unemployed student at the same college.I’ll call her
Eve (yes, original I know).They have known each
other for seven months and dated for four whole weeks.They
plan on marrying in April because “they had to pick a
date since her parents are pushing for us to get
married in February.”Sars, my parents and I see so
many red flags in this situation, but Adam is legally
an adult and we are trying to be supportive of his
decision.

However, last night I received a message from Adam
saying he and Eve wanted to talk to me about
something.I called him back, disturbed by a suspicion
that I wasn’t going to like whatever question they
planned on asking.I was right.When I got Adam on
the phone, he said Eve wasn’t with him, but that they
wanted me to be a bridesmaid.For a bride I have
never met and who is seven years younger than I am.My
first reaction was a resounding no.It was also my
second and third reactions.I explained to Adam that
a) I had never met Eve and that I felt uncomfortable
being a bridesmaid for a perfect stranger, and b) I
would much rather be associated with his side of the
wedding party.The conversation ended with me asking
if we couldn’t discuss this at Thanksgiving, after I
had actually met her.He was not happy.

Of course now I’m laboring under a large guilt trip.
Should I just suck it up, wear the atrocious pink or
green excuse for a dress, and stand in line with a
bunch of 19-year-old bridesmaids to make my only
sibling happy, or am I right to think that isn’t my
place, especially when I’m not comfortable with the
marriage in the first place.I’ve offered to wear a
dark suit and boutonniere and stand on his side, but
that idea didn’t fly.

Once a bridesmaid, never again

Dear Once,

You have to pick a side and stay on it.Either you really don’t approve of the marriage, and you’re willing to endure some unpleasantness — possibly permanent — in the sibling relationship in order to make that point and to maybe convince Adam that this isn’t such a great idea; or you’re going to be supportive, which means going for the dress fitting and finding a way to get along with women who are seven whole years younger than you.(And by the way…no.Mr. S’s intended is seven years younger than I; find a better excuse.)

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that it’s a sticky thing when you’re asked to join the wedding party for a marriage you don’t think is a goer, because on the one hand, you do want to be supportive, but on the other hand, serving as a ‘maid is kind of an implicit endorsement because you’re formally witnessing the marriage, blah blah blah fishcakes.But you do have to pick a side, and if you balk at bridesmaid duty, and they get married anyway, and then they break up down the line but your brother still thinks you’re judgmental and isn’t interested in your support (or any I-told-you-sos), where does that leave you?

If you want to support your brother, meet Eve and talk to him about his feelings for her and actually listen to his answers.If you’re still uncomfortable with it, you’ll do what you think is right, but I have to tell you, your stated reasons of not liking 19-year-olds, or bridesmaid’s dresses, are beside the point and should be kept to yourself.

[11/10/05]

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