Hey there, Sars.

I was catching up on some Vines and read the Living in Hellmouth letter and
the responses that you gave afterwards.Many people don’t understand schizophrenia and I’m glad that you gave a link
to an informative site…I just wanted to also clue you into an
organization called NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). It’s a
non-profit aimed at helping people with mental illness, as well as their family
members and loved ones, deal with the challenge of having mental illness
affect their lives. It’s also active in trying to educate our society about
mental illness so that behaviors like the ones displayed in J. can be
identified and treated.

All of NAMI’s services are free, and there’s a NAMI affiliate in every state
in the U.S. They focus mainly on giving support for people with mental
illness and their loved ones, education to families and communities about
mental illness, and the symptoms to look for and possible treatments, and
also advocate for issues dealing with brain disorders.

There’s a massive amount of stigma out there about mental illness…but
once people become more educated and aware about the causes of mental
illness and the symptoms displayed as a result, we’ll start realizing that
“nutjobs” and “crazy people” are actually persons suffering from a chemical
imbalance in the brain; it’s not curable, but it is successfully treatable.

I shall now step off my soapbox and supply you with a link for future
purposes: http://www.nami.org

Take care.

Leroy

P.S.: NAMI covers all mental illnesses including bi-polar, obsessive
compulsive disorder, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, depression,
post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorders, AND schizophrenia, among
the myriad mental illnesses out there.

Dear Leroy,

Thanks for the link.Organizations like NAMI have oodles of experience in dealing with a wide range of “troubles,” and in doing so discreetly; it’s an excellent resource as a starting point alone.

Hey Sars,

Yeah, feeling a little stupid writing this, but I need to talk to an objective person whom I don’t actually see everyday. I know this is going to be long, because I tend to ramble, so please bear with me.

So, here’s a little background: I’m a 20-year-old college sophomore who grew up in a very traditional, reserved, religious, follow-the-rules Southern family. This past Saturday, I was playing the I Never drinking game with a group of friends. Keep in mind that this is only the second time I’ve ever actually drunk alcohol outside of my parents’ supervision (yes, I am a sad, pathetic, strait-laced person). So, yeah, it quickly became apparent that I am the most inexperienced 20-year-old living. Seriously. Things came out that, while I knew people did them, and I even knew that a few of my friends did them, I didn’t know ALL of my friends did them. And I realized that, really, the only thing I’ve done is made out with a guy. Kissing only. Nothing more, ever. And I’m 20 years old!

The thing is, I’ve had boyfriends, but every time I even vaguely thought that there might be a chance of something beyond kissing happening, I would avoid it like the plague. I would start acting like a caged animal, looking for people, anyone, to save me from the situation. I would avoid being alone with them, act really distracted when I was alone with them, et cetera, and of course this doesn’t make for healthy relationships so I’ve never had a boyfriend last longer than a month. Funny thing is, it’s always me who ends the relationship first because I’m so fucking scared. I know why I stay away from potential sexual encounters — I grew up being taught that sex before marriage was very wrong, a girl should always act ladylike, and also that men are really only interested in one thing and once you give it to them, it’s over (although they always told me that sex, once you were in love and married, was a wonderful thing, so it’s not like they’re completely anti-sex).

So I know the root of the problem, and I don’t really blame my parents for bringing me up that way — even though now I’m scared I’ve been turned completely off of sex.And I don’t know how to change that mindset. I don’t really want to be the naive, innocent person that I am. I am interested in sex, and really do want to have it someday, but right now I’m scared of it, and I feel like I’m the only one. I want to be able to have fulfilling, healthy relationships. I just want to change and I don’t know how. Any advice?

Thanks!

Way Too Ladylike

Dear Way,

I think the problem here is exactly that — that you want to change.You don’t need to change; if you do change, you don’t need to do it overnight.You need to accept yourself and your upbringing and not compare yourself to your friends quite so much.

Not that it isn’t an instinct I understand.I rushed into a lot of physical intimacy myself when I first became sexually active, as much because I wanted to check a few experiences off of my “list” as because I genuinely wanted it, so I know the feeling.But I also had more liberal parenting sex-wise than you did, and I went to a girls’ school and had issues surrounding that, blah blah blah — in other words, all the usual baggage-y things that made (and still make) me me and make my approach to sex and relationships mine, just like you have your things that make you you.

So you don’t feel comfortable getting intimate with someone yet, physically, emotionally, whatever — there’s nothing wrong with that, or with admitting that.It’s not time yet for you.You don’t feel ready.Don’t try to force yourself to get there, or feel bad about yourself because it’s not working.

Accept it in yourself.Once you do that, you can start integrating it into your life.For example, let’s say you have smoochies with a boy, and then you start getting that “ohhhh no” feeling and freezing up because you know what might come next and it scares you.Everyone’s been there.It’s normal.Breathe through it.Remind yourself that you can do what you like and you don’t have to go any further than you want to.Take it one step at a time.Let the boy know that you have some reservations, and if he decides he doesn’t want to hang with that, fuck him.

You’ll get there.There’s no rush.Take your time, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I am an idiot.No, I mean really. A huge, gigantic, no-holds-barred idiot.

You see, I’m married. Been married a loooong time. Married and happy
about it. Kid, house, you know, the works. Still in love with my
wonderful husband. But I have an obscene adolescent crush on this
other guy. We work together, tangentially, not for the same company.
More of a mutual-benefit PR thing, although token amounts of money
are involved. Anyway, it’s important that we have a good working
relationship, and I think we do.

We really hit it off and started grabbing dinner after the work was
done, usually alone, but once or twice with other folks. Great
conversations. Great. Insanely great. Witty repartee. Shared
prejudices. And he’s so cute. And funny! And a good listener, and
just awkward enough in that geeky way that I find so endearing. I
found myself being pretty flirty. (He’s not married, not dating
anyone.)

After a couple of dinners, including one that had (to me) a fairly
“date-y” vibe, he started to have a starring role on my fantasy
channel. (The fantasy, if you must know, was that he grabs me, gives
me One Big Kiss, and then I get to be noble and say, “But I’m married,”
and then tell him how great he is. Cue Erykah Badu’s “Next Lifetime”:
“How can I want you for myself when I’m already someone’s girl?”)

So last week I was in his city on business; I was going to go to the
local big museum on my one free night, and suggested he come along.
We had a great time, got a bite to eat, he gave me a ride back to my
hotel, and in my desperation to not come across as being a big tease
making a pass at him, I told him, fairly incoherently, that I had a
huge crush on him, didn’t want him to think I was making a pass at
him, and apologized for being so flirty. Then I babbled awkwardly
for a little while and got out of the car.

I have been replaying this in my head constantly since then. I am
such an idiot. Would it have been so bad to have him think I was a
big tease? He’s such a gentleman, I don’t think he would have done
anything about it even if (this is the big if) he were attracted to
me. (Miss Self-Confidence has left the building. Before, I was like,
“Of course he thinks I’m hot! I am hot!” Now it’s a different story.
Replace “hot” with “fat.”) He didn’t say much more than “I’m
flattered,” by the way. Now I’m sure he thinks I’m a presumptious
jerk. Arrgh. Arggh.

I wanted it to come across as “Hey, I think you’re fabulous and I’m
afraid my crush on you is making me act funny. But I’m not making a
pass at you, I swear, and I value your friendship so I’m admitting
this in case I’m making you feel uncomfortable.”I think it came across as “I am a scary stalker! Fear me! Stop
working with me now!”I won’t see him again for months, although we may have to be in touch by email.

So if you were an older (closer to forty than thirty, while I am
closer to thirty than forty) single guy in this situation, would you
feel flattered or afraid?

What the hell do I do?

Crushed Under A Crush

Dear Crushed,

Don’t do anything.If you had it to do over again, you’d have kept your mouth shut, but you don’t and you didn’t — don’t compound the error by trying to “fix” it.

I have no idea what he thinks; if I had to guess, I’d say that he is flattered, and maybe mildly weirded out also, but it’s impossible to say, and it doesn’t really matter.It doesn’t affect your job directly, and he’s not going to try to cut in on your marriage.If he’s all “eek, scary lady,” well, then he needs to get out more, so let him think what he wants.You don’t have much choice.

Trust me — you just have to cringe to yourself, know that it’ll make a funny story one day, and let it go.

[11/12/02]

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