The Vine: November 12, 2010
Dear Sars,
On a scale from 1 to 10, how tacky is re-gifting one’s wedding gift as another wedding gift?
The gift to be re-gifted is a Lalique crystal lovebird piece. It was given to me by a woman I barely knew, whom I worked with, and was among gifts that I did not open until we came back from the honeymoon. When I did open it, I was shocked and I hemmed and hawed about returning it to her (since it was really extravagant and I didn’t know her that well).
While I was trying to figure out a polite way to give it back without offending her, she suddenly up and quit the job without leaving a forwarding address. I later found out she had a terrible problem with money: buying very expensive presents for people, was thousands of dollars in debt and moved every few years to escape the creditors.
I have zero use or attachment to this gift. The marriage lasted less than a year, and I am now happily remarried to an amazing man and we have a baby on the way. Finances are tight. We have been invited to a coworker’s wedding in September, someone who is a bit of a snob and will scoff at just $50 in a card. The crystal has been sitting in its original wrapping, in a box in the attic for years. I had thought about trying to sell it on eBay, but lack both the time and the computer know-how to do it.
So I know regifting is tacky, but is it “asking someone how much they earn” tacky, or just “pink flamingo” tacky?
Thanks,
In Bad Taste In Beaumont
Just “pink flamingo” tacky, I’d say, and much of the tack proceeds from the lovebird itself. Apologies, Lalique fans, but: uch. And why do people do that? If it’s not on the registry, how about you…not?
Anyway. The regift isn’t likely to hurt anyone’s feelings at this late date — which is why in general we want to avoid them — so go for it, but double-check the packaging to make sure the original card isn’t still in there.
Tags: Ask The Readers etiquette
Isn’t it only tacky when you get caught? That seems like a remote chance under the circumstances described, so I’d regift away.
I think it’s fine to regift it, with an additional caveat that I’d first check to make sure it’s a piece that is still commercially available today. I’d hate to present something as “new” if it’s been discontinued sometime during those years in the attic.
On the 1-to-10 scale? 2.
And why do people do that? If it’s not on the registry, how about you…not?
So wouldn’t that come down in favor of not regifting it? Unless crystal lovebirds are by some chance on the registry.
Gift giving shouldn’t be an exercise is passing something you think is trash on to someone else who will think it’s trash.
I would have no problems regifting this, even if it was discontinued. I mean, then it is a collectible, right? Adds to the value, no? That is, if you value things like this, which it sounds like the coworker does. I don’t think wedding presents have to be new, do they? They just can’t be disguised as new – like used dish towels masquerading as brand new – but this is nothing like that. Only thing tacky here is the coworker’s snobbery.
This doesn’t strike me as tacky at all. Re-gift away.
I inadvertently re-gifted a friend with one of my wedding gifts. DH and I didn’t check the bottom of a box I had saved because of the great packing material. The box contained a pottery bowl (and something else I’ll get to in a sec). Since I made my friends a glass bowl, this box was perfect.
After their shower, we get a card from the couple, and they thanked us for the lovely bowl and plate. DH and I looked at each other and said, “WHAT plate?” Turns out there was a matching plate at the bottom of that box. We didn’t tell them until recently, and we want them to keep the plate since we’re not sure we ever really owned it.
Moral of the story: always check the box.
My rule of thumb has always been that if the regift item is something that would be to the receiver’s taste or liking, then it’s fine. If you’re just trying to find a way to be rid of something, then I’d revisit the eBay idea or even take it in to an eBay store if you don’t want to hassle with it yourself.
@RJ, I think if the recipient is tacky enough to check to see if your gift is still available in stores then that far and away outdoes the tacky of the regift. So they get what they deserve. :)
I think this is the perfect example of when a re-gift is OK. It’s been a while, no one will be hurt and you don’t have to go into debt for a coworker. The other time I think it’s a-OK is if you receive something nice, but is totally not your style, and you know someone who would love it beyond belief. Then it’s OK, because better they have it and love it than you keep it shoved in a closet.
@Natalie: She says the co-worker’s a snob that way. If she’s then the kind of person who will be impressed with Lalique, well, she’s reaping what she’s sown. Deb put it better than I could.
It’s fine to regift, but I’d second Sars’ advice of checking to make sure the original card isn’t still in the box. We received a Mikasa plate as a wedding gift from friends of ours, and as we opened it, we joked that this looked suspiciously like a regift.
Lo and behold, the box also contained the card from the original gifter to our friends. I don’t mind the regifting, but be discreet!
I think regifting is MORE than fine as long as the item is new, is in its original packaging or as close as you can come, and is something the re-receiver will want/love or can use. Please note, though, that **all three** conditions must be met.
So, in your case, I say give away.
In fact, I’ve even heard of perfectly acceptable cases where the item has not been new, clean, and unused. A bride once wrote to Miss Manners complaining that she had been given a crystal dish by an older relative, and she knew it was used because there was food stuck on it. The writer was way angrier about the regifting itself than the dirty dish, complaining that it was selfish, tacky, and cheap. Miss Manners suggested that the relative might been on a fixed income, and selected a cherished piece of crystal from her own collection to give, thinking that the bride would appreciate it as a family heirloom. Yes, she should have washed it more carefully, but the gift itself may have actually been very thoughtful.
Side note: There’s no need to announce that regifting is occurring, either to the original giver or to the new owner. (I have a cousin who does this. “I actually already have one of these, so I’ll probably regift this, if you don’t mind.” Well, no, officially I don’t mind, and I like that I was right enough about your preferences to duplicate something you bought for yourself, but…)
Also, to make this work, once you give a gift and have been properly thanked, you should avoid asking about it if you don’t want to hear that it’s been regifted. (“Where’s the shirt I gave you two Christmases ago that you said you loved so much? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in it!”)
I remember a gift my parents sent for a wedding. It was new but my dad put the wrapped gift in a box for shipping. He used a box we had from a microwave pizza plate (yes, it was in the 80s) and then wrapped that in brown paper and shipped it. My parents were horrified to get a thank you note for “the lovely microwave pizza dish”. I wonder if/when that couple opened that box…and saw their real gift. Hee.
I think everyone who receives wedding gifts gets a certain number of gifts from people they don’t know too well but invited out of politeness or social obligation (Mom’s coworkers, Dad’s great-uncle, FIL’s golf buddies, whatever) who in turn feel the need to buy the couple *something*. In our case we ended up with a stack of ornate ceramic picture frames bedecked with huge bells and bows, etc, meant for displaying your wedding portraits. These frames, in turn, have made great gifts to second cousins and coworkers’ children when we have been the ones invited out of social obligation.
‘I have a cousin who does this. “I actually already have one of these, so I’ll probably regift this, if you don’t mind.”‘
Wow, Jen S 2.0, *that’s* some tackiness from your cousin with a side of rude. Sheesh!
I agree that regifting it is 100% a-okay, especially since it sounds like the receiver will actually appreciate its statusy-ness. However Sars, I was really disappointed in your “if it’s not on the registry, how about you…not” comment. While its fine to give someone a gift from their registry, in my opinion is just as fine — if not more meaningful — to pick out a gift for someone that you believe is beautiful and that they’ll enjoy. I still think its the giving of the gift and the intention that counts, and it often feels as though giving a gift from a registry takes all the personal-ness out of a wedding present. Part of a gift is the idea that it will be a token of a specific friend’s affection and love… And no plate setting winds up being a token of any specific person at all.
Regift away, especially since the gift is only going to gather dust in the closet, I say. Why turn your attic/closets/drawers into mini combo museum/dumps when you don’t have to? Storage space is more precious to me than all the crystal lovebirds on the planet.
Caveat: This isn’t the case here, but do double check you aren’t giving away a precious or valuable heirloom before your coworker or husband’s third cousin inadvertently recieves Great-grandma’s pearls she wore to the Coronation or the teacup George Washington drank out of.
Part of a gift is the idea that it will be a token of a specific friend’s affection and love…
Right, obviously, and of course there are exceptions. But the registry exists for a reason; this is the stuff they want and need, presumably, to begin their life together. If you love the couple, why not get them something you know they want? Nobody wants to get the 10-inch saute pan because it’s not memorable, but 1) I always get that, because people need to make eggs, and 2) “memorable” cuts both ways. They’ll remember the person who got them the cutesy cactus-shaped margarita glasses that they find impossible to store efficiently in a New York one-bedroom, but…not fondly.
Again, you can always point to exceptions. I got Mr. S and Gen a trip as my wedding present to them, and that wasn’t on the registry. But the idea that the gift is a token of affection is fine, as long as it doesn’t become more about the giver wanting to stand out than it is about the recipient’s stated desires, because then it’s not so much a gift anymore.
@Jen S 2.0: We must be related–my cousin bought something off an infomercial that had the “Buy NOW and get a second set FREEEEEE!” and she pretty much told me that I was getting the “FREEEEE” one for our family Christmas grab bag whether I needed it or not. (And I didn’t need it).
Now if she would have just given it to me I would have thought “Ehhh” but been gracious about it. Knowing that she really didn’t care or put any effort into it really annoyed me and I wasn’t shy about saying it.
I’d say to regift the thing. Check the box to make sure there aren’t any signs that it is a regift, but otherwise go ahead. And don’t mention that it’s a regift unless (for some reason) she asks about it.
If she does somehow twig to the fact that it’s a regift, just say “It’s something I never quite found a place for in my home, but it’s so lovely, I thought it would suit you.”
I’m a Miss Manners junkie and priss-butt about wedding etiquette, and I honestly see nothing wrong with regifting something that never got touched and stayed neatly in its tissue paper in the interim (check to make sure there are no bug bits or anything hiding in the box).
And I may actually have this Lalique thing. Gift from my dad when I was a teenager, what can I say. Do you think she’d like a set?
If you can’t afford a gift, don’t go to the wedding. Economics and Budgeting 101. Someone shelled out good money for you to be at the wedding, dance, eat, and drink. If you’re going to go and re-gift a tacky crystal piece, just stay at home. “Finances are tight” with a baby on the way? You chose how to spend your money: Diapers instead of an appropriate wedding gift for your co-worker. When you go to the wedding and re-gift something horrible, don’t be suprised if you receive “gently used” cloth diapers for your shower.
/rant
Someone shelled out good money for you to be at the wedding, dance, eat, and drink. If you’re going to go and re-gift a tacky crystal piece, just stay at home.
If the co-worker’s sole interest in his/her invitees is reduced to a competitive transaction of this sort, then yes, I think she should stay home, but not for the same reasons you do, I suspect.
@Alexandra: Surely you jest.
Sorry, I disagree with Sars on this one. I find this particular case of re-gifting to be classless. I’ve had to forego events because I can’t afford to go and I am a single, child-free woman. It’s about choices. If In Bad Taste chooses to go to the wedding and have a blast, right on. It’s just not something I would do and happen to disagree with the masses.
People do know that gifts are not required, don’t they? I mean, it’s certainly nice if you’re able, but people don’t invite you to a wedding (or, at least, they shouldn’t) in order to get presents. They invite you because you are important to them and they want to share their day with you. There’s no entrance fee.
In my younger (read: broker) days, I attended weddings where I was only able to leave a card with my best wishes for the couple. I know the couples definitely preferred my presence and good wishes to my absence because I was ashamed of not being able to afford a gift.
I probably wouldn’t go to the wedding anyway, because it’s just a co-worker and they sound a bit unpleasant anyway. But as the original poster is asking about gifts, they’ve probably already RSVP’d yes, or have some office politics reasons for going.
But I wouldn’t not go for Alexandra’s gross “reasoning”. Ugh. Classless indeed.
@Alexandra: weddings aren’t (or shouldn’t be) quid pro quo. You invite people to the wedding, sucking up the cost because you want them to be there and share in your day, not because you expect a gift.
Besides, etiquette generally states that you have a year to give a gift.
I think using this as a generic wedding gift is a good use for it.
In all fairness, I would sell it on ebay, politely decline going to the wedding of snobby coworker and send a letter on my good stationery wishing the couple years of happiness. But I am a curmudgeon-in-training and Miss Manners devotee.
Gifts are NOT REQUIRED for a wedding. Not, not, not. I say that as someone who 1) has given a gift for every wedding to which I’ve been invited, even those where I barely have known the bride and groom; and 2) got married a couple of years ago and greatly enjoyed receiving wedding presents. Weddings are not supposed to be exchanges of goods and services — they are parties. If you can’t afford to throw a certain wedding unless people give you presents worth an average of $X, then you can’t afford to throw that wedding, and should have one that you *can* afford. I would have been flat-out horrified at the idea that anyone was avoiding coming to my wedding because he/she couldn’t afford a gift. It’s not a fundraiser.
Besides, you don’t have to write thank-you notes for cards. Score!
Searching for “Lalique crystal lovebird” on eBay brings me listings priced from $50 to a few hundred dollars. It’s something that the LW could, theoretically, sell for cash — enough to buy a wedding present. I fail to see what’s wrong about her wanting to cut out the middleman, especially given that *the bride in question appears to enjoy such items*. A Lalique crystal figurine isn’t something “horrible.” It’s not to my taste, and apparently not to the LW’s taste, but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently a bad gift.
Now, speaking as a (past) bride who doesn’t live in NYC and thus doesn’t have to deal with severe space constraints…life is more interesting with some off-registry stuff thrown in, especially wacky stuff, and I greatly appreciate *all* of the gifts that our loved ones generously sent our way. However, on-registry gifts are also special and cherished. Really. I think of a certain friend whenever we use the knife set he gave us, for example. Same with the Tupperware. Etc. (I’d say “And the saute pan,” but we didn’t register for one. The roasting pan has been appreciated, though…) I do find it amusing, though, that more than half of the time when someone starts talking about how they don’t want to give an on-registry gift because that wouldn’t be Special! and Distinct!, the gift they do give involves crystal. There’s a reason Indiebride.com has a thread titled “The crystal bowl of doom…” I would LOVE to know exactly how the crystal industry has managed to convince people of the necessity of their products for newlyweds.
Wow. theknot.com is out in force on this one.
*****
re-gifting is not tacky, if (as has been pointed out) the item is “box opened but never used or displayed”.
Announcing your re-gift to all and sundry, as though you’d pulled off some grand financial money-saving coup…that’s tacky. (Of course, it doesn’t sound like you’re going to do that.)
*****
“I’ve had to forego events because I can’t afford to go and I am a single, child-free woman.”
Bitter is only good when you’re talking about beer.
Most etiquette rules have their basis in consideration for others’ feelings or at least some kind of logic, which is why I have never understood the taboo against “regifting.” If someone gives me a present, I now own that present, and I am free–ethically, legally, and in every other way–to do whatever I want to with it. I may keep it, throw it away, sell it, donate it to Goodwill, or give it as a present to someone else. Why is this even a point of controversy? I don’t understand why it is necessary to put the “re” in front of the word when you’re talking about giving away something that you own.
I’m not crazy about using “gift” as a verb anyway. What’s wrong with the word “give”? “I’m giving my co-worker a cookbook” works fine and is much less affected than “I am gifting my co-worker with a cookbook.”
Good God, if I found out any of my married friends had Alexandra’s attitude about their wedding gifts, I *would* stay home — from any future events involving them. Friendship should not resemble a tax audit.
The reason crystal bowls and just about anything crystal is popular is because Ross, et all sell them at decent prices and they look expensive even if they weren’t… just sayin’. I’ve given my share of crystal at weddings.
I think this is the ideal regift scenario: years have passed (meaning that no one at this event will remember it being given for the original event), the item is unused and timeless/collectible (if you dig that kind of thing), it is appropriate for the recipient, the thought put into the gift is in keeping with the nature of the relationship (snobby co-worker = keep it simple and work-appropriate.)
Personally I think the only regifting taboo is if you mistakenly give the item to the person who gave it to you to begin with.
I think Alexandra is making way too big a deal of the cash issue here. Yes, the couple is spending money to have guests at the wedding, and yes, ideally you should bring a nice gift that’s appropriate for the couple — which is exactly what In Bad Taste is planning to do. Just because she has found a way to do that without pulling out a credit card does not make it inherently tasteless. Sheesh.
Lol at me doing a google images search on “Lalique crystal lovebird” and the 3rd image that came up being the Vine picture.
I would be so sad if I heard that a friend skipped my wedding because she felt she couldn’t buy us an appropriate gift. I invited the people I loved to my wedding.
Alexandra, put more value on yourself! Your friends are inviting you because they want YOU, not the stuff you give them.
When I was a very young bride, an attitude like Alexandra’s would have meant that most of my (very young, still in school!) brothers and sister would have stayed home! I LOVED that they were there.
However, that’s why Baskin Robbins offers more than one flavour. To each hizzer own.