Dear Sarah,

Recently, my fabulous boyfriend of one and a half years moved in to my apartment. Things are going very well, he is the best roommate I have ever had, and it is bringing us closer together than ever. I love him. There is one problem though…he makes the nastiest crap-tasting coffee I have ever had in my life. No seriously, it is worse than day-old gas station decaf.

I don’t know how he manages to screw up coffee that badly. He must be special. This is a problem, because he gets up every day at 6 am to go to work, while I snooze (I don’t get up until 7). Every morning, he makes coffee, and leaves some for me. He is very proud of himself that he does this, he thinks it is very sweet of him. (It is sweet, and it is the thought that counts, but it’s REALLY gross coffee, I’m not kidding.) I know that I could just not drink the coffee and make a fresh pot when he leaves for work, but he totally waits until I get up, watches me drink it, and is like, “Do you like it? Do you like it?” and would be heartbroken if I told him it tastes like ass. At first I thought it was because his coffeemaker was dirty, so I cleaned it with vinegar, then made a pot of my own, using the same brand of coffee he did, to see the difference. The coffee I made was delicious, I even had a friend taste it to be sure. But the next day, when he made coffee, it was back to ass. I thought probably he put in too large a quantity of grounds, so I helpfully suggested he measure out exactly half a cup. I know he followed my suggestion, but the coffee was still ass. The only thing I can think of is that when I made the tester pot after cleaning the machine, I used a paper filter, while he normally uses a mesh reusable filter, which is better for the environment. Could the reusable filter be the problem? I really don’t know how much more bad coffee I can drink before I barf all over myself in front of him. I shudder to think what will happen if he ever gets to the coffee maker before I do on a Sunday morning, when I have a hangover.

Sincerely,
Milwaukee Kathryn

Dear Kathryn,

You need to talk to your boyfriend honestly about the coffee.”Honey, I adore you.I love the fact that you make coffee for me every morning, and I appreciate the thought so very much, but the thing is – and I don’t want you to take this personally, because I love you even though I might not be so wild about your coffee – the bean juice tastes like formaldehyde.”Give him a big hug and wet sloppy kiss and remind him that you’ve chosen to speak to him about this honestly because you know you can trust him not to freak about, you know, something so small.

Next, take him by the hand and lead him into the kitchen.Show him step by step how you make coffee for yourself, and tell him that’s how you like it done.Reassure him that he doesn’t have to do it your way if he doesn’t want to, but that you can’t drink the coffee the way he makes it.If he’s concerned about the environment, find out where you can by coffee filters made from post-consumer materials.Tell him again not to take it personally.

This is a little thing.Really.Your boy might sulk, but he’ll get over it.It’s that or keep choking down the ass coffee, and if it’s bothering you – and I don’t blame you, holding coffee as sacred as I do myself – you should talk to him about it.

[11/13/00]

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