For all of my 16 years, I’ve been known as the boyfriendless wonder. Well, I can’t say the same for my friends. They each go and get their boyfriends, and do the whole random hook-ups thing, and that’s all well and good, I’m plenty happy for them. The thing is, once they get a boyfriend, I cease to exist. Conversations which used to go on for hours about, well, absolutely nothing, are now cut down to:

Me: Hey, what’s up?
Them: Nothing, can’t talk. Bye.

The buddy-list door-slamming .wav file doesn’t help much either. I’ve tried to even say, “Hey, what’s up? Hows the bf?” to which I always get the response “nothing, good, can’t talk, bye.” Okay then…

Convos over the phone aren’t much, well, any better. It’s the same exact thing.

I’ve done everything short of saying “Why are you treating me like you don’t exist just because you have a boyfriend?” which I don’t much want to do because well, then I seem like the bitch. I have one single friend, and we have one thing in common. There’s only so many times you can have the same conversation, and frankly, I kinda miss my other friends who I used to be able to talk to for hours on end with absolutely no topic of conversation at all. Should I confront all of them and be like, “Dude, stop ignoring me just because you got a boyfriend,” or just let it blow over until the impending break-up? Only thing about that is, some of these friends have been going out with the same guy for, oh, two or three years. Please help!

Ignored

Dear Ignored,

I’ve never understood why girls do that.Yeah, your boyfriend is a priority and you spend a lot of time with him, but some girls can’t (or won’t) balance the boyfriend and the friends, and I just don’t get it.And sadly, it doesn’t stop after high school.

You can try to talk to your friends about their tendency to ditch you for their boyfriends…or you can get new friends, and that’s what I’d advise.Women who blow off their girlfriends for the men in their lives don’t usually stop doing that, even after it’s called to their attention.Take it from a girl who stuck with certain friends for years, thinking maybe I just didn’t get it, thinking maybe they’d learn.They won’t get it.They won’t learn.

Yes, it hurts.Yes, it’s frustrating.Yes, you feel like they only hang out with you when they don’t have anything else going on in the boy department.But that’s not your fault, and it’s not your problem, and if you don’t want to put up with it anymore, don’t.Real friends don’t make you feel like shit.Go make some.

Sars,

I have a fairly minor, yet touchy, issue that I don’t know how to deal with.Usually I just ask myself, “What would Sars tell me to do?” but that’s not working this time.

I live in a house with four guys (I’m the lone spark of estrogen) and while most of the time things are fine and dandy, one of my roommates has really started to grate on my nerves.Basically, he talks.All the time.He’ll expound on subjects of which he’s completely ignorant, or he’ll vehemently lay down the truth on something that’s common knowledge, for example: “Women are often considered second-class citizens in China.”Like, no duh.And he’s always interrupting and talking over people, and he repeats every goddamn thing he says three or four times.I like to hang out at home, and spend time with my roommates as buds, but this dude is driving me loco, and I don’t want to hide out in my room all the time just to avoid his incessant yammering.I didn’t want to talk about this with my other roommates because it would feel very Real World-y and like we’re ganging up on him.So I’m asking you.Is there any nice way to hint to the guy that he needs to shut up sometimes, or am I stuck with being brutally blunt and risking a hostile environment, since I really don’t think he would take this kind of criticism very maturely?Any advice you can give me will be much appreciated.

The Mouth’s Ear

Dear Ear,

A hint isn’t going to do it here — if a hint would do it, he’d have picked up on your annoyance already.

It’s possible to get blunt with the guy without hurting his feelings.Just stop letting him get away with all the little conversational rudenesses you’ve let slide so far.Next time he interrupts you?”Um, dude?I was talking.Could you not interrupt me, please?”Next time he repeats himself?”Yeah, you already said that.”Next time he’s rambling on and you don’t feel like talking?”Not to be rude, but I don’t really feel like talking right now.Can we talk later?”

You don’t have to take a bitchy tone.Just point out that he’s talking over you — or at you, or out of his ass, or whatever.He’s oblivious, and until you mention that he’s behaving boorishly, he’ll just keep doing it.So, you can hide in your room and avoid him, or you can try to steer him away from the monologue format and into actual conversations where he listens sometimes.

[11/13/01]

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