Hi Sarah,

I read The Vine today, and I think I may know why that coffee blows. Now, assuming they’ve got a drip coffee maker, and it’s an hour between the time he makes it and she drinks it, the coffee has probably gotten scorched or stewed. If it’s sitting on a hotplate, staying warm, that’s almost surely what’s happened. Gotta drink it fast or it’ll go off.

Of course, for all I know, his coffee just sucks, but I thought I’d mention it.

Cheers,
Ana

Dear Ana,

Excellent point.He’s probably burning the coffee, which would make it taste nasty.

Hi Sarah,

Here’s the sitch. I have had the same boyfriend for about four years now. Granted, the first two years were a bit rocky. Well, very rocky. Okay, a major geologic formation. And I was also a BIG WUSS. And he left at the two-year mark (uh, less than a week past the second anniversary – thank you!) to go pursue some big-bootied hussy. I counted him GONE. GOODBYE. GOOD RIDDANCE.

Then, mysteriously, he came back. I know you’re saying, “Don’t they always.”But he came back…enlightened. Now, I do not mean in the way most men do and then eventually slip back into their offending patterns of behavior.But I mean like he must have visited the Dalai Lama or gone into asshole rehab, because the man came back all self-aware and communicative. And committed to making the relationship work.Now, no one believed him, including me, for about the first six months. I kept putting him off. But he persevered, and maintained his good behavior. And now we have a great relationship with only the “normal” issues – “why do I always have to buy the toothpaste,” “Could you get your mom to STOP calling here at 8 AM on Sundays?” and similar things.

Here’s the problem. Although most of the friends were HIGHLY skeptical (I am a major skeptic and mainly surround myself with them…), they eventually had to admit that things seemed great. And consistent. Well, all except ONE
friend. Who seems intent on constantly reminding me that she thinks my boyfriend is a “spineless moron that is probably screwing every woman he sees on the way home from work each and every day.”And after I took him back, she told me she didn’t want to talk to me about the relationship. Ever. So needless to say she has no earthly clue about what goes on between us.

Let me say that I also have the trait of being PAINFULLY honest, and look for this in my friends. What good are dishonest, ass-kissing friends? So I can respect her need to honestly state her opinion…but, um…HELLO. It’s been two years of relative calm and rational, MATURE behavior. But she cannot seem to respect that. And whenever I try to challenge her on it, all I get is “the fact that you are getting defensive is just an indicator that deep down inside you KNOW that I am right.” WHAAAAAAAAAT????

So my question is this: If she steadfastly REFUSES to change her mind AND
also refuses to stop hounding me on a weekly basis with her hateful conjecture, should I just tell her to snog off? And now all this bitchy nagging has me doubting my relationship, even when there is nothing to doubt…could I just be stooooooooopid?

With friends like this, I need Prozac

Dear Prozac,

Okay, it’s one thing if she disapproves.Fine.And if she doesn’t want to discuss the relationship with you…well, okay, that’s fine too.But where I come from, “not discussing the relationship” also includes “not slagging off your boyfriend at every opportunity,” “not picking at old wounds,” “not preying on your insecurities,” and the like.In other words, if she sincerely didn’t want to talk about it, she wouldn’t talk about it.But she does, because she’s angry at you for disregarding her.

The next time she starts in on your boyfriend, tell her you don’t want to hear it, and if she can’t keep her harping to herself, you’ll cut off all contact with her.Mean it.Do it.Your friend doesn’t care about you; she cares about listening to the sound of her own voice.And the “see, see, you’re getting defensive” argument is about as passive-aggressive and manipulative as they come.

I can see your friend’s position, up to a point, but it isn’t for her to tell you how to live, and most adults understand that other adults need to learn things and figure things out for themselves, not take marching orders based on a friend’s assessment of a situation.She’s bitter, your friend, and she’s bleeding it all over you.Tell her to get a life.

[11/14/00]

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