Dear Sars,

Due to the lack of decent television viewing, I’ve been forced to spend more time with my in-laws than usual, which prompted a recent unfortunate incident on which I’d like to get your take.

A little background: my husband used to be married to and had two children with a woman he likes to call “the evil whore,” whom we can call EW for short. After ten years, she announced she didn’t love him anymore and wanted him to move out so that her boyfriend could move in with her and the children. He was pissed and tried to sue for custody, only to find out that unless her could prove in court that she was turning tricks and free-basing heroin in the kids’ bedrooms, he had no chance at custody. I met him shortly after the divorce and we got married four years ago.

While I see her and her boyfriend regularly at kids’ events, she and I are certainly not friends. I’m civil and friendly, but I stay out of things. It’s really not my business. My husband likes her even less, but he has to suck it up in order to see his kids and be a responsible guy. It’s all typical “divorce sucks” stuff until you get to my mother-in-law. MIL is still friends with EW, which is good for the kids to see everyone getting along. Plus, MIL helps run interference between my husband and EW.

Here’s the weird part. My brother-in-law was recently visiting and MIL had a family party for him. He lives in France, so it’s a big deal when he comes to town. Since EW and BIL got along, MIL thought it was a good idea to invite EW and her boyfriend to the family get-together. My husband wasn’t thrilled, but MIL didn’t ask him until after she’d already invited EW. So we get to this party and it turns out it’s a sit-down dinner for about 12 people, including kids. After a nice dinner and normal pleasantries, it’s time to go outside and take family pictures. I’m holding a camera and so is EW. We take various pictures of BIL with various family members. For the “whole family” shot, it’s suddenly everyone except me, EW, and EW’s boyfriend.

Now here comes my question: Obviously, I’m a member of the family. My husband, like a bonehead, didn’t think to pull me into the shot (and he heard an earful about that later). He says I should have jumped up, but I couldn’t think of a polite way to get myself into the picture. Should I have handed my camera to EW and jumped in? I was afraid that would be too conspicious so I just stood there, clicked, and stewed. What should I have done? What should I do (this kind of thing is bound to happen again)? Is it weird that MIL keeps inviting EW?I think so, but husband thinks MIL is just trying to keep the peace. Should I just grow up, or is this a legitimate gripe? Help me, Sars. You’re my only hope.

Signed,
Outcast in Ohio

Dear Outcast,

Huh?What’s the problem?Because you’ve given me all that background on EW, but the problem has nothing to do with her, not that I can see.Did your MIL ask EW to pose with the rest of the family, and not you?No.Did your husband pull EW into the photo, but not you?No.Why didn’t you just walk over and get into the picture, instead of passive-aggressively waiting for an invitation, then sulking when you didn’t get one?What does any of that have to do with EW, or with your MIL?Nothing.That’s all you.

EW is the mother of your husband’s children and of your MIL’s grandchildren.She’s in your lives.You don’t have to like it, but you do have to accept it — and that means not creating issues with her where none exist.Because this is a complete non-issue, especially compared to the havoc most blended families have to deal with.

Get over it.Life is too short.

Hello Sars,

I have a question for you. But there’s background information. I grew up in Boston, my family was moderately well-off, I went to a private all-girls’ school, and so on. College was Brown, and while there, I met the man of my dreams (?) from what I guess you’d call a New York Brahmin family. I was completely swept off my feet, and we were married as soon as we got out of college.

That was four years ago. Since then, it’s gone way downhill. I guess that I’ve got a lot of things that people want, but please don’t brand me as another “poor little post-deb,” because I have a real problem. Our marriage was very sexual to begin with — three times a week, all over the house. And finally, I got pregnant. And two weeks ago we had the first ultrasound, and it’s a girl.

When the doctor announced the baby’s sex, my husband turned bright red and left the room. I started crying, really hard, and it was really embarrassing, even more so when I found out that he had driven home without me. Since the ultrasound results have become “public” to the family, I’ve actually been encouraged by his mother to “intentionally miscarry.” Apparently it’s his fucking family tradition to give birth to a boy first, and then babies of whichever sex after. This must seem incredibly melodramatic, but it’s true, I swear.

What should I do? I want this baby so badly —
it would give me something to do. The women here (in Greenwich, Conn.) are all from families similar to my husband’s; they all have small children already but never see them because they have nannies. And Sars, I’m just so bored. So bored. There’s nothing to do in Greenwich if you don’t have friends, and these women (friends of my husband’s since he was very small) have always snubbed me. All my old high school friends (ninety percent, anyway) think that I’m leading a dream life and won’t come up to see me or anything. But I think that once Freddy sees the baby, he will also see the error of his ways. I need help and support, badly.

Fucked in Fairfield County

Dear Fucked,

Your husband is a disgusting boil on the ass of humanity.He is a rude, insensitive, sexist suck of self-absorption.He is buying your good behavior; he is treating you like a brood mare.He has no respect for you or for your feelings, and his mother is a monster.Leave.Leave now.Leave forever.

No, I mean it.Leave.Not only did he ditch you at the doctor’s office, after behaving in a fashion so abominable that I can’t believe you didn’t pack a bag that very night, but he proceeded to tell his entire family — obviously in a tone of great disappointment — that you’d conceived a girl, and his mother suggested that you get rid of it and try for a boy, AND HE LET HER!He let his mother do that!TO HIS WIFE!What kind of SORRY-ASS FUCKSTICK greets the news that he’s having a daughter by STORMING OUT AND LEAVING HIS PREGNANT WIFE TO GET A CAB?What kind of freak-show Freudian sociopath lets his MOTHER tell his WIFE to GET AN ABORTION because the baby IS THE WRONG SEX?What the hell year do we live in?WHO ACTS LIKE THAT?Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

You don’t have a job, as far as I can tell; you have nothing to do all day.You are stuck in a Wife Of The Corn existence with a man who treats you like livestock.I can’t for the life of me imagine why you haven’t opened every can of whup-ass in Connecticut on him AND his mother, but it’s not too late.Pack your things and go.Go back to your parents if you have to.Have your baby.Get a job.Divorce that dicksmack and start over.It’s not easy, but you’ve got to get out of there before he finishes sucking your soul, because if you stay, eventually you’ll come to believe in the way he treats you.You’ll come to believe that it’s your job to churn out male heirs and sit by the pool all day and do as he tells you.Because that’s what you’ve got to look forward to, because he’s not going to change.

Leave.Leave today.

[11/14/01]

Share!