Dear Sarah –

I’ve been dating a new man for about two months now.We hit it off very well and are enjoying getting to know one another.He recently has developed some feelings that he’s unable to identify in regards to our relationship.He no longer wants to be intimate because it makes him feel uncomfortable in a bizarre sort of unidentifiable way.(We’ve only been intimate three times.) He says that he really likes me and that “I rock,” but that he’s feeling uneasy about sleeping together.We talked about it in length and were unable to resolve the feelings he’s having.He’s making an appointment with his shrink to discuss it further and to try to resolve the feelings he’s having.He assures me that he’s still very interested and I believe him that he is.He says he’s still interested in sleeping together, yet wants to stop.

Here’s my dilemma, he wants to take a step back and no longer have privileges.I’m uncomfortable with that.I want all the privileges – spending the night, sex, you name it.He doesn’t even want sleep-overs, even if they won’t lead to sex.I have agreed to the new terms of the relationship, but I find it odd.I told him that I’m not sure that I can do this, but I intend to try because I think he’s worth it if he can get over this strange obstacle.Bottom line is, am I crazy to hang in there and give this a shot?

Not getting any anymore

Dear Not,

You’ve only dated the guy for a couple of months.It could take years of therapy to work through his intimacy thing.Do you really want to sign on for that?It’s one thing if you have a relationship of long standing and one of you starts having a rough time, but you’ve barely scratched the surface of your boyfriend and already it’s getting dramatic.

I don’t mean to sound uncompassionate here, but your man sounds like he has serious issues surrounding intimacy, both physical and emotional, and if you wait around for him to resolve them, you’ll get bogged down in them too.It’s not crazy to want to give it a try, and I can understand that you don’t just want to bail at the first sign of trouble…but this is serious trouble, and the sign is as big as the Bat signal.

Bottom line: you have needs which he can’t, or won’t, meet.Get out now.

[11/15/00]

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