Dear Sars,

I have kind of an unconventional problem.Reading your column (and, well, existing in society), I’m confronted on all sides with love and sex and romance.It seems like that’s all people ever talk about at all.And my problem is, I can’t relate.I’ve never been a part of any of that; I’ve never even been on a date.

I know that’s not so unusual.I’m young (twenty-five) and I’m sure there are plenty of people my age who are in the same boat.The weird thing is, I’ve never even thought about it.I don’t think I’ve ever felt an attraction to anyone, and I’ve certainly felt no urge to date.In fact, I have a hard time understanding how anyone can have those feelings at all.

This wasn’t really a problem until college, when suddenly not dating made everyone think of me as a big anti-social weirdo.I’m pretty shy in general, and my lack of interest in dating just made me creepy.Once I moved out of the dorm that got better, but I still almost never mention this problem to anyone.When I do, people just misunderstand.Several times, well-meaning friends tried to set me up with guys, assuming that I must be gay since I don’t show interest in women.

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure this is a “problem” at all.If I lived in a vacuum, it’d just be fine.I don’t live in a vacuum, though.Even when you don’t want to date, it’s DEPRESSING to spend every Saturday night at home alone.And it’s especially depressing to see all my friends drifting away because they all have relationships or marriages, and people that are more important to them than I am.So, my main fear is that this will cause me to be alone the rest of my life since, in this society, we’re expected to settle into couples and then mainly interact within those couples.

What do I do?Should I resign myself to that solitary existence?Should I start dating, just faking it?Should I go to a therapist and try to force myself to be attracted to people?Sometimes people tell me I must be wrong, that there must be some kind of buried trauma that blocks my “romance drive.”I don’t know.I think what would make me happiest would be to stay the way I am but not be lonely for the rest of my life.Maybe that’s impossible. So, what do you think?IS it impossible?And if it is, what should I do about it?

Thanks,
Mr. Asexual

Dear Asexual,

I think therapy is a good idea.It’s entirely possible that there is a trauma or an incident in your past that’s suppressing your coupling instinct.And even there’s no such thing in your past, talking to a therapist about the feelings of loneliness and enforced solitude that come with your unromantic nature could help you deal with them.

It’s also entirely possible that you just don’t operate that way.It happens.I’ve met people who just had no interest in other people, sexually or romantically.They had friends; they could carry on conversations.They just didn’t care if it went any farther.It’s unusual, but it’s not necessarily abnormal.

But the point here is that it’s making you unhappy, and you should figure out whether that’s because of a psychological incident, or because you haven’t learned to accept that about yourself yet.Talk to a professional and try to get to the bottom of it.

So once upon a time I had a best friend. He’s been clinically depressed for a few years now. He tried treatment — shrink for about a year and a half, various medications for around six months — but neither the shrink nor the meds made him feel any better. Between the usual crappy side effects and no improved mood change, he’s decided to give up on the treatment angle altogether. I don’t agree with this decision but he’s not going to listen to me about it, and at any rate I can’t really blame him for not wanting to try that anymore. Sometimes things are fine, happy, and relatively normal. Sometimes he goes completely antisocial and mopey and hides in his room for months. That’s worrisome, but I guess we’ve all gotten used to it. However, the last few months have come up with a new variant of problem.

As far as I know, I may be the only person he’s not doing a cheerful front for. But somehow being the one he was close to has become a problem. This spring, things just got weird. It’s like he has some kind of problem with me but he won’t say what it is. He’s still pretty friendly and caring in some ways, but he’s definitely become more standoffish and with me and not anyone else in general. (Watching someone go around hugging everyone else in the room and then they only say “bye” to you just sucks.) He’ll hang out with me if I ask, sure, but he’s not really seeking it out, and sometimes I just get these weird “go away” vibes. Sure, he’s gone through standoffish periods before, but it was never just me that was getting the cold shoulder. That just hurts my feelings and makes me feel like crap. It feels personal. And him liking me sometimes and not others is confusing to boot.

Now I’ve never been clinically depressed and have no real concept of how someone can feel that bad, but people who have been there have told me that it’s not personal; he still likes me, he’s just having a hard time dealing with people. I don’t get how you can act like you like a person some of the time and other times act like you don’t so much (he’s never really mean or rude, just weirdly awkward and it’s like I got cooties), but that DOESN’T mean that they don’t like you anymore. He’s always been Mr. Honesty, but that kind of behavior makes me wonder if he just doesn’t want me as a friend anymore and isn’t telling me this. a similar situation happened with an ex long ago, so I’m, er, rather paranoid.

I’ve tried talking to him about this before, as he strongly encourages (even now!) my telling him feelings instead of bottling them up and then exploding as I tend to do. Which is obvious by this letter, huh? It hasn’t exactly gone well when I’ve tried. The whole depression thing makes conversations about anything that isn’t trivial difficult. I’ve asked a few times if he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, and he’s never said yes to that. He says he still cares about me. He says he’s not good at contact and if I want to talk to him, I should, but there’s no guarantee he’ll be in a good mood that day. That he’s feeling the worst he’s ever felt and that he can’t deal with stuff. The closest I’ve gotten to the why-the-cootie-girl thing is that we have these conversations about feelings from time to time (his or mine or both) and they’re hard to deal with. I’ve inferred from that that my talking to him about problems is only making him not want to be around me much. And let’s face it, other than getting to vent, we haven’t figured out any way to make anyone feel better.

The whole thing frustrates me greatly. Realistically I know that (a) he’s not the kind of person to EVER blow someone off for good and that (b) if he didn’t want to hear from me, he’d tell me. But the whole contradictory actions thing is screwing with my head, and I’m not sure how to be friends with him. I’m seriously considering giving up on being friends with him. I don’t want to, and I think I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I did. But I don’t know how to be friends with someone who’s depressed and having issues with me. Everyone tells me that I should talk to him about my feeling frustrated, but talking about how I feel hasn’t gone well in the past and I doubt it’ll get better now. But hiding my feelings isn’t exactly helping me, either. Annoyingly, they keep coming out at every turn no matter how much I try to suppress them.

Anyway. Should I:
(a) write him off as a friend and never speak to him again,
(b) write him off as a friend, but at least tell him why I’m writing him off before never speaking to him again,
(c) attempt once again to talk to him about the trying-to-be-friends-with-the-depressed problem I’m having with him and how it may lead me to ending the friendship before making any drastic irreversible decisions like a and b,
(d) don’t quit being his friend, but do the silent treatment/time and space thing for awhile and hope that’ll somehow improve the situation, or
(e) continue being his friend and talking to him when I feel like it without pushing much, magically realizing that all of this weirdness towards me isn’t personal and will probably blow over, because (supposedly) that’s what happens with the depressed,
(f) um, something else entirely.

I’m stumped, Sars.

The Tightrope Walker

Dear Walker,

I’d go with (d) or (e).

Depression makes people act selfishly.Depression makes it very difficult for people to deal with anything or anyone that’s not them; depression shortens the sight and shrinks the world.

That isn’t a value judgment or a slam on depressed people.I’ve dealt with depressed people, and I’ve suffered from anxiety disorder, which is basically the other side of the depression coin, and I know from experience that depressed friend is often a trial to deal with — but for nobody so much as for himself.It’s an illness, and after a certain point you have to realize that that’s where a lot of the behavior originates, that the idea of choosing to act in a certain way no longer applies.

So, no.It’s not you.But it is you who has to take control of the situation, because it’s not fixing itself, and he’s obviously unable to fix it, especially if he’s sworn off treatment, so here’s what I’d advise.Step back for a while.Stop trying.He’s got his own shit going on and he clearly can’t deal with yours, so stop expecting him to.Talking the situation to death hasn’t worked, so stop discussing it.He’s frustrating you and hurting your feelings, and he doesn’t mean to, but he’s still doing it, so stop leaving yourself open for that.

It might feel like abandoning him, like giving up on the friendship, but it’s not that.You’ve tried, but it’s time to accept that he’s not in any state to offer you meaningful friendship right now — he would if he could, but he just can’t.

Keep your hand in with him.Maintain contact.But do it from a farther remove than you do now.Understand that, from his perspective, he’s fighting for his life.Get out of the way and let him do that.

Dear Sars,

I won’t try to be clever and witty; I’ll leave that to you.I don’t know why I think you might have insight into this problem, but I have a sort of amorphous feeling that you will.

I ended a long relationship a few years ago.My ex and I raised a beautiful daughter together.My ex is the biological parent.Despite hundreds of reassurances of the past, as soon as my ex was in a new relationship, she began to take our daughter away.At first, we shared custody 50/50.She reduced my time every few months, and now I have one day every other weekend and one afternoon a week.This is killing me.I have never felt such pain, rage, impotence, et cetera.I was the stay-at-home mommy, and this girl is everything to me.The situation is so intolerable and painful that my instinct is to move away.But how shitty is that?My kid would be cashing in those chips for decades.

Nothing I say to the ex works.I’ve tried reasoning. I’ve tried screaming.I would try homicide, if it didn’t have so many unfortunate residual aspects.The first year, when things got dicey, I would suggest a joint visit to our daughter’s therapist.These visits always had positive results, but now the ex, on counsel of her current love, refuses to go.When my daughter tries to bargain for more time with me, she is guilt-tripped.

So these are the mystical “special” rights for which we gays are fighting.I would like to add that I voluntarily pay child support to my ex as well.I take my responsibility as a parent too seriously to do anything but hang on desperately.Any advice on improving my situation?

Thanks,
Beleaguered

Dear Beleaguered,

I assume you’ve consulted with a family lawyer and sussed out your rights in the situation.Beyond that, I don’t really know what to tell you.It seems like you could pursue a more equitable arrangement, but I don’t know what the law says about the rights of the bio mom versus your rights.But obviously, you know, if you don’t have a good lawyer, get one.

Again, though, I assume that you’ve gone through all that, and if so, the sad fact is that you’ll have to take what the ex dishes out if you want to see your daughter at all.I don’t know how old the girl is now, but I get the sense that she’s old enough to know what’s what, and that she still wants to see you and still considers you one of her moms.Take comfort in that.Make the most of your rare times with her.She’s still your daughter; your ex’s territorial bullshit can’t change that.

I can understand your frustration, but turning the situation into an actual fight isn’t going to do anyone any good.You’ll spend thousands in legal fees and court costs, you’ll earn the ex’s everlasting enmity, if the decision goes against you it’ll screw you permanently, and it’ll upset your daughter.Take the high road.Don’t talk shit about your ex to your daughter.Let her know any way you can that you care about her and you’re always there to love and support her, even if you can’t see her as much as you’d both like.That’s all you can do.

It’s unfortunate that your ex is such a tight-ass, but if you’ve exhausted all the reasonable legal avenues available, you’ll just have to put up with it.

[11/15/01]

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