So perhaps I’m missing some basic facet of respectful human
interaction, but if I were Anna, I’d report Gil to the cops
immediately and not say a thing to my sister.This isn’t a matter of
simply marrying The Wrong Guy — it’s about marrying a criminal, and
therefore possibly opening herself up to aiding and abetting a
criminal, harboring a fugitive, et cetera.”I didn’t know about it”
doesn’t hold up well as a legal excuse, and Anna’s Sister could find
herself in quite a bit of trouble if the six states currently looking
for Gil catch wind of where he is while they’re married.

There’s also a safety issue — this guy has a criminal past that
includes assault, in addition to a list of offenses that show he has
little respect for women.If Anna and her mom tell Sister, and
Sister runs off and confronts Gil, all three women are potentially in
physical danger.

Signed,
Call in the Feds

Dear Feds,

You know, I considered that as a response — “just call in an anonymous tip to the cops and let them deal with it” — but I discarded it, because I felt Anna and her parents owe Cindy a heads-up.It’s a fucked-up enough deal that they had to hire a P.I. to look into Gil’s past, and that they dug up the skeletons they did, but to put Cindy in the position of watching while out of nowhere the paddywagon pulls up looking for her fiancé…that seems a bit severe.

But to tell you the truth, if I had the letter to answer again, I’d recommend that they hand her the report and tell her that if she doesn’t call the cops, they will have to do it themselves.I still feel sort of ooky recommending that they threaten Cindy with that, but you’ve made a good point — if Anna et al. know Gil’s story and don’t do anything about it, it could cause them legal problems, not to mention putting their and Cindy’s safety at risk if Gil knows they know about his misdeeds and blah blah blah.And there’s the little matter of Gil being a thug too.

So…yeah.Anna, do everything I said in the original answer, but before the intervention, look up the number of your local police tip line, and tell Cindy also that she has to turn Gil in.If you do not personally witness her making the call, make it yourself.

Dear Sarah,

Here’s the deal.I’m a 30-year-old married guy who’s
been with his wife for three years now.Said wife is
28.

My wife was a virgin on our wedding night, and sex
that evening was very painful for her.As a matter of
fact, it was extremely painful for her.Since then,
it has not gotten better.She’s seen a couple doctors,
who have said the pain is caused by my hitting up
against her cervix, and that it will get better once
she has a child.

In our three years of marriage, we’ve probably had sex
two dozen times.In the past year, it’s only been
once or twice.We have tried counseling, but it
hasn’t helped.

She wants a child right now, but I’ve said we need to
wait until our sex life improves.However, I have
lately felt like giving up on the relationship because
we have absolutely no intimacy — ever.We’re like
roommates, and neither of us ever makes a move to
initiate sex because it is so unpleasant.These past
few years of sexual dysfunction have severely eroded
the hopes I had for our relationship.

So.As a third party, what do you suggest?

Thanks,
Troubled Marriage In Minneapolis

Dear Minnie,

Don’t give up yet.I think you should give counseling another try, not so much to solve the sexual dysfunction problem in and of itself but to deal with the issues surrounding it — if that makes any sense.In other words, the primary problem — the two of you can’t share that kind of intimacy — is creating a bunch of secondary problems (she feels like there’s something “wrong with” her, neither of you feels “complete” in the marriage, you don’t agree on when to have a child), and you should get those sorted out.

But you should take another run at solving the primary problem, too.Urge your wife to find a whole-person GYN who’s more committed to your shared sex life than “it’s a design problem — sorry.”Buy books.Rent videos.And talk to each other.Acknowledge that it’s a big problem.Do a little discussing and crying.It’s not an easy problem to address, but it’s doable.Do it.

If your wife is willing to take it on the challenge with you, you should keep a couple of other things in mind.First, you don’t mention what positions you’ve tried, but a woman who is “built short” has a number of positional options available to her that allow her to control the depth of penetration, contact with the cervix, et cetera.Pick up a Kama Sutra and see if you get any ideas.Second, I can think of several dozen ways the two of you can share physical intimacy without relying on intercourse.

I do find it a bit telling that you don’t mention having tried any other positions or kinds of “outercourse” or anything.If you have tried those things and it’s just not happening, then maybe it’s too big a stumbling block to deal with, but I think you probably need to deprioritize intercourse somewhat in order to get past this.

Dear Sars,

I have been dating Jay for almost five months. We live about forty minutes away from each other, so I only see him once or twice a week. We talk on the phone almost every night. I’ve never held as much in common with a guy, and we make each other laugh. The chemistry is excellent, and I love hanging out with him. This might sound crazy, but I’ve never felt this way about someone.

I know that I haven’t been dating him for that long, but I am head over heels for this one (but I have not told him this). Not that there aren’t things I dislike about him…he has no problem mentioning ex-girlfriends and stories about them, which he knows makes me uncomfortable. When we were first dating, he brought along five girls to a baseball game we went to and virtually ignored me to talk to them; then when I got upset, he couldn’t see why I was. He is one of those guys who has a perfect body, goes to the gym every day, and is not shy about saying that he is not attracted to “fat girls,” although I used to be one and I hate when people make comments about fat vs. skinny, et cetera. And while he is a white-collar professional type, he definitely had his share of bad-boy days (just over a year ago he was arrested for cocaine possession, used to get into lots of fights, got into a fight at a bar just a little over a month ago, broke some guy’s nose).

Two weeks ago, we were at a party. Jay got a little tipsy and told me some really nice things, that he thinks I am beautiful but that is the last reason why he likes me…he said he loves most that I am weird and funny, he loves that I sing and song-write and that I make him laugh…he said he can’t remember the last time someone made him laugh the way I do. He said, “I love this about you…I love that about you…” But not “I love you.”

So despite all this wonderfulness, the problems. First of all, although I think I hide it pretty well, I have never felt this insecure about a relationship before. I am analyzing everything he says to death, I am constantly worried that I’ll do something to make him not like me anymore, I am afraid that he will cheat on me or break my heart or turn out to not be the guy I think he is. I cannot figure out where all this insecurity is coming from…though I’ve tried to place it on different things…the age difference (he is 28, I am 22), the career difference (he has his masters degree, I am a waitress), the sneaking suspicion I have that he is hiding something, like dating other girls, even though we established exclusivity. I don’t know what it is. But I hate feeling this way, to the point where, despite how great he is, I want to end it just so I don’t feel this insecure.

The second problem is his actions…is the way I feel about him enough to cancel out all the bad from his past, or do the things he has done mean I should run far away?

The third problem is, ever since he said all that great stuff at the party two weeks ago, he has been acting standoffish. First off, he hasn’t called nearly so often. Then last week, some health problems arose and he went into the hospital. Nothing gravely dangerous, but enough where he needed to be there. I wanted to be there for him, so I went and visited him a couple of the days he was there, and called him every day, even if just for a couple minutes, to make sure he was doing okay, but he mostly acted like he didn’t want to see me. When he did call, it was to ask me to buy/bring him stuff like CDs, even though he knows I am crazy poor right now. I feel so selfish feeling this way when he is in the hospital. But when I want to help someone and be there for them and they seem to be disinterested or indifferent to whether or not you are there, calling or not calling…well, it has worn on me.

Why do I feel so insecure? Is my intuition trying to tell me all is not as wonderful as it seems with Jay, or am I just crazy and immature? I know it is selfish to worry about our relationship while he has been in the hospital, but I can’t help it. What can I do to not feel this way?

Signed,
Not Sure Whether I’m Dating The Frog Or The Prince

Dear Not Sure,

My initial reaction here is that Jay sounds like kind of a dickhead, and that you should tell him how you feel and dump him pronto if he doesn’t respond sensitively, but here’s Gustave with a slightly more developed insight.Gustave?

Gustave: “Okay.It’s impossible to tell if he’s the frog or the prince.It is common to feel insecure when you’re actually in a relationship you care about.However, he’s been doing some things to provoke your insecurity — bringing five people along on a date?What’s up with that?On the other hand, a lot of men who aren’t necessarily completely fucked-up will still freak out after telling their SOs something revealing; he may be trying to distance himself a little bit after that, which could be just temporary.But the cocaine and the violent behavior is definitely a red flag.”

Thanks, Gustave!I would add to that that, although you say it’s a “great” relationship, your feelings of insecurity seem to occupy center stage, and you should think about whether that’s what you really want from a relationship with a man you claim to love.

[11/15/02]

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