Dear Sars,

I know that you give good advice on coping with parents, so I was hoping you could help. I’m in college in Cincinnati, about 10 hours away from my mother, who is a bit over-protective. My parents are divorced, and I’m spending the first half of the break with my dad. I told my mom that I’d like to take a few days to come back to Cincinnati for my friends’ wedding, which happens to be during “her half” of my break. She got immediately grumpy and told me that she was very disappointed, that she wouldn’t get to see me “at all” over the holiday, why don’t you want to spend time with me, fishcakes.

My boyfriend and soon to be fianc&eacute who lives in Iowa will be in the wedding, and mom offered to have him over for a week, so I had hoped that he and I could just drive back from Cincinnati, but she rejected that idea too. I guess my question is, how do I get my mother to realize that I’m NOT going to be coming home every summer for the rest of my life? How do I get her to see that there are things adults do, which include going to their friends’ wedding and generally not spending every day with thier mommies?

The Ever-Present Umbilical Cord That Ginsu Can’t Cut

Dear Cord,

You stop molding your behavior to fit whether she “sees” it or not.She can accept it, she can wail about it, her choice, but you have other things to do now and then.Apologize for disappointing her and then move on and do them instead of asking (or waiting) for her approval.If she wants to get grumpy about it, it’s her affair.Don’t play into it.

Sars,

I’m at work and feeling a bit frustrated, which surprisingly has nothing to do with my actual work; it’s what I have to face after work which is frustrating me.

I get to go home to a lovely studio apartment, with two cats I adore and who seem to adore me.The only problem: they smell, it smells, the whole tiny place I love smells.Not unhygienic “we refuse to wash our furry selves” smell, but “the nastiness that comes from the litter box” smell.

I’m a very particular person about cleanliness and smells and such, and the biggest puzzle is that they seem to be even more particular than I am.They like one litter and one litter only (I pray to God they never do again what they did when I tried to switch brands); it’s a scoopable litter for multiple cats.I scoop every morning when I get up and usually every evening when I get home.I clean the box every three days.The root of the problem is one of my cats seems obsessive about burying what it leaves behind.She’ll spend a good 15-20 noisy minutes digging.This leads to large holes in the liner (which touts itself as being ten times stronger and thicker than ordinary liners), and the clumping messy litter ends up clumping messily to the box itself.

I have tried trimming her nails, I have tried yelling at her, or removing her from the box when she begins the habit, I have double-bagged, and even triple-bagged.Nothing seems to work.So not only do I have to actually wash out the box every three days, but the smell becomes unbearable because the holes eventually allow for waste to escape into the box but without being covered by the clumping, odor-absorbing litter.Even my other cat seems distressed.He’ll walk to the box, scratch at it, run over to me, and give this pitiful mewling little noise.I don’t blame him; I’d hate it if my toilet didn’t work properly either.

So is it a litter thing?Are there better industrial-grade liners out there somewhere?Would one of those self-cleaning boxes help?Do I need two boxes even though my home is size compromised?Or is my cat just psycho?I wouldn’t dream of getting her declawed, but kitty Prozac or some sort of feline therapy is about all I can think of at this point.Any advice would be greatly appreciated, by all three of us.

Sincerely,
Litter Box Blues

Dear Blue,

If I were you, I’d skip the liners entirely.Some cats have a weird relationship with plastic (my cats, for example), and for those cats, it’s better just to pour straight into the box.Then, when you clean the box, dump the contents into a plastic bag and scrub out the box with hot water and dishwashing liquid.It’s not that gross, and in my experience, liners hold more smells than litter can absorb (which, despite any claims it may make, litter does not really do).

So, try ditching the liners.If that doesn’t work, you might need to set up a second box for the other cat just so he doesn’t go crazy — and start using a different kind of litter in that box.Give them choices; see if you can’t wean them onto clay or the little pearls or whatever, because, again, clumping litter is not going to absorb odors entirely.Usually it just masks them with scent.

The third strategy for cutting down on the odor is to upgrade their food.My cats do stink up the joint fairly regularly, but not as badly as if I fed them commercial cat food.I would cheap out with the Meow Mix if I could, but I live in a studio, so they get Iams, and it’s way less smelly around here as a result.

Dear Sars,

I have something of a dilemma I’d like an outside opinion on. It’s a very strange situation and it’s the kind of thing that is very delicate, so I don’t want to talk about it behind backs and make conjectures and such, but it’s bothering me.

Perhaps a little background. Two of my best friends are a couple (let’s call them…oh, I don’t know, “Fred” and “Ethel”). They’ve been together for about four years and are practically married, in as much as two high school lovers can be. They’re both graduating this year and planning to stay together after high school (they’re taking a year off together, then going to the same college). They have a lot of dysfunction, and they always have, and it’s just one of those things that we all kind of acknowledge.

Lately, though, it’s getting a little messy. Fred is a very free spirit. He’s extremely laid back about everything, and takes things as they come. Ethel is a lot more organized and direct. Since Fred moved out of his parents’ home this past year (a whole other story), Ethel has started to feel like she has to take care of him. He doesn’t do that great a job of taking care of himself, and he forgets or neglects things like calling the bank when his credit card gets stolen, going to school, and eating. He, however, is fine with being this way. So the conflict has now become Fred feeling like Ethel is controlling him all the time, and Ethel feeling worn out because she feels like she has to take care of Fred. Personally, I can see validity to both of their sides, and it’s their problem to work out. I just hang in there and try to be a good friend.

And now enters the newest problem: let’s call her…oh, it doesn’t really matter. How about “Sue.” Sure. So Sue is a girl who has become friends with our group of friends rather recently. At different parties she has drunkenly screwed around with a good number of my male friends, sometimes in pretty lame situations (hooking up with a friend’s boyfriend at that friend’s house, for example). A whole lot of the blame for the sleazy trust violations lies with the boys, and so I’ve never really had a problem with Sue. I worry about her sometimes, and sometimes I sort of wish she wouldn’t fuck everyone we know, because it creates strange dynamics. But it’s her business.

Recently she started dating a good friend of mine, and they were going along all right, but then things just kind of weren’t working and she dumped him. On prom night. After he took her to prom. That in itself was drama enough (god, I hate high school). But then that same night she starts kind of leaning on and touching Fred, and I get a little uncomfortable and leave the room, and when I come back to go to sleep, they’re asleep in each other’s arms on the couch. I thought, “Hey, really stoned kids being affectionate. Sweet.”

Since then, Sue has spent all of her time with Fred, sleeping over at his house, going everywhere with him, and spending more time with him than Ethel. Every time I hang out with the two of them, I get the feeling I’m intruding on something. If I happen to sit next to Fred, Sue always finds a way to displace me. They’re more affectionate than usual. It just kind of makes me feel weird. The vibes I get when I’m around them are really strange. Sue has become attached to Fred in an almost aggressive way, monopolizing his attention all the time. The whole thing seems kind of sketchy, but it’s pretty much not talked about by anyone. I decided I didn’t want any part of that, but lately a lot of other people have started to feel really uncomfortable around them too.

And where is Ethel in all of this? I’m not too sure. She doesn’t seem upset, but she lets little comments slip that make me think she’s unhappy about it. I don’t want to talk about it with her and make her upset, and I don’t want to talk to Fred about it either. I feel like I’d be breaking trust either way. I would also love to talk to Fred and/or Sue about how I’d like not to have to pry Sue away from him when I want to hang out, and how I feel really uncomfortable hanging around the two of them lately, but I don’t feel like it’s my place. It’s upsetting to watch two friends who have been in love for years start to break apart, and even though I know it’s their own to work out, I feel like Sue has inserted herself in a situation that she shouldn’t be a part of. I want Fred and Ethel to work out whatever they work out, without this random girl being a factor in what looks more and more like the end of several intense and complicated years. I wish they would break on a positive note, but this current situation makes me fear it will be sour.

Mostly I’m just really uncomfortable, and I don’t like what Sue and Fred are doing to Ethel, and I’m starting to resent Sue a lot, and I’m very confused about where Fred’s behavior is coming from. And yet I don’t feel like a damn bit of it is really my business. So I guess what I’d like to know is what you think my place is in all of this: Do I talk to Ethel, Fred, Sue? Do I accept Sue’s exclusion of me from hanging out with a close friend? Is there anything for me to do? It just makes me sad to watch my friends go through confusing and hard times, and I don’t know what I could/should do. Augh…what do you think?

Sorry this is so long, and sorry if it’s crazy high school drama. Oh, high school, how I wish you would end already. Sigh…

Thanks,
Conflicted and Confused

Oh Luuuuucyyyyy,

It isn’t your business, and believe me, that’s a good thing, so keep it that way.The situation is going to blow up eventually; grab some canned food and head down in the basement.I know it’s kind of agony to watch something like this unfold and feel like you’ll get burned no matter what you do, but that’s why it’s best to do nothing.

If you want to hang out with Fred sans Sue, you can tell him so — just mentioning in a friendly way that you don’t get to see him one-on-one that much anymore, and you’d like to.If he doesn’t get the hint, he doesn’t, but beyond that, you’ve got no grounds to interfere, and if you shouldn’t and you don’t have to, don’t.

Hi Sars,

Just a quick question, no background!I’m being considered for an opportunity to do some freelance writing for a local non-profit organization, and since no one I know has done any freelance stuff, I thought I’d ask you what you charge for 2-3 hours of non-technical writing.Please bear in mind that this is a charity, and that the local freelance market is not exactly thriving.

Thanks for any help you can give,
Curious in Canada

Dear Curious,

For editing, I charge by the hour, but for writing, I charge per piece, e.g. $25 for each of four items at 150 words per (or whatever the rate/word count happens to be).Writing is generally billed by the piece or by the word, not per hour, and ideally, that price is already set by them beforehand.

Ask your liaison what she had in mind, pay-wise, and ask her to give you a total bid; it’s standard.If you already tried that and she insists on a per-hour, quote her one, but don’t go under $20; you don’t want it out there that you work that cheap.

Freelance bidding is tricky; you want the work, and low pay seems better than none at all, but you can’t broadcast the fact that your time isn’t worth much money, either…which is why I’d always rather have the client set the initial rate.It’s more professional, I think, and it doesn’t put me in the position of having to tell them that I don’t need a clip if it only paid me twelve bucks.

There is this girl that I went to high school with. Back then she was known as a slut because she slept around, and her reputation has not improved in the seven years since high school. In fact, it has grown, including some of the guys in my group of friends. Of course, there are the rumors of her numerous sexual diseases, et cetera, which have earned her a nickname. Although I doubt she’s cerebral enough to read Tomato Nation, I’ll just call her “Dirty.”

Recently Dirty showed up to see my husband’s band play with a group of friends. Eventually, she made her way over to me to say hello. I was very cordial, as always, and as it turns out she has become closer with some of my “peripheral friends” (the ones you only see at concerts and bars, but you don’t really hang out with). I was shocked to see Dirty again, especially because she was pregnant.

She announced that she was pregnant and it wasn’t her choice and “what are you doing this week? I only have five weeks of freedom left and then I’ll be stuck with this damn baby.” I could only assume that she was joking and so I let loose a giggle. I got the stink-eye. I didn’t know what to say. What DO you say to someone who tells you that they’re unhappy about the impending birth of their child? Not knowing what exactly that meant (would she be giving it up for adoption? Would the father be taking custody?), I just sort of excused myself and disappeared back into the crowd.

A couple of weeks later, I ran into a peripheral friend, who said that she was fed up with Dirty. Dirty was insisting that they go out on the town every night, complaining about how she was about to lose her freedom, et cetera. And at the same time, she told me that Dirty was asking for my address to send a baby shower invite to. Dirty and I have never been friends, and I don’t care for her, so she never will be my friend, so I asked Peripheral Friend to tell Dirty that she didn’t have my info. Apparently, when this info was relayed to Dirty, she was upset, since she had come to my wedding and thought since she bought me a gift, I owed her the same courtesy. True, she did come to my wedding, but she was not invited. She just showed up, dressed inappropriately, and had stopped off and got me a gift. I did send a thank-you card and was very proper about the whole thing, but I don’t see how that makes me indebted to send her baby a gift.

The problem: My friends are on the fence about what I should do. I am known in the group as a seamstress and have always made very beautiful baby blankets for everyone, and Dirty has actually told people that she is looking forward to the one that I will make for her baby. I don’t want to make the blanket, and I don’t feel like I should. However, some people say that I should send her the blanket anyway…that I am the “bigger” person and I shouldn’t “penalize” the baby for things that are out of his/her control. But some people agree with me that Dirty is who she is, and that person is NOT my friend, so who cares?

Oh wise Sars, should I be the “bigger” person and send a blankie and hope that Dirty gets off my back? Or would that be leading Dirty into thinking that I want some sort of relationship with her and her baby?

Stressed Seamstress

Dear Stressed,

As to what you asked me…don’t make the blanket.It’s emotional blackmail.Don’t pay it.

As to what you didn’t ask me…in my experience, when a woman gets tagged with the “slut” label, it’s because the taggers already don’t like her for other reasons, so they haul in her sexual habits in order to feel even more superior to her.Don’t do that shit.She does sound like a jackass, and it’s fine to dislike her, but dislike her because she’s a jackass, not because she allegedly sleeps around — and no, it’s not “the same difference.”

And the next time you don’t want to attend an event, decline the invitation when you receive it instead of refusing to pass along your information.It’s more diplomatic and saves the go-between a lot of headaches.

[11/15/03]

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