Dear Sarah,

Over the summer, I got involved in an Internet relationship with a girl from Canada. I am originally from California and was there while I was involved with this girl online. In August, I flew out to Nova Scotia to visit her and fell in love at first sight.

Now, the problem arises in that I’m a female and in May, I came out to my family. My mom made it clear that she would support my lifestyle, but that she didn’t want it to consume me (whatever that means). So, over the summer, while I was talking to this girl online, my mother became suspicious of my being online all the time. I convinced her that this girl was straight and that we had been friends before talking online (all a small fib, of course), and my parents allowed me to visit her in August because of that. When I returned from my one week with her, I confessed to my mother that she was indeed gay and that I was indeed in love with her. My mother was rather upset about it and insisted rather forcefully that I give her my passport for her to “hold onto for safe-keeping.” Before I left to come back to school in Minneapolis, my mother and I had a talk about why I can’t have the passport. To put it bluntly, she basically said that she didn’t want me visiting my girlfriend in Canada.

I’ve told my mother that I’m ready to settle down with my girlfriend and that we’re already making plans for the future. Next year, she (the girlfriend) will move to Minneapolis to be with me while I finish schooling, and then we have plans to move to Canada and settle down there. My mother doesn’t seem to understand that long-distance relationships aren’t fun, and by not seeing each other as often as we could be, it could set us back a bit. My girlfriend is working overtime to come visit me, and there’s nothing I can do to see her during my vacation times. What can I tell my mother or show her that will prove that I am worthy of holding onto my passport and that I won’t abuse the privileges by flying to Canada every weekend?

Sincerely,
Waiting for Canada

Dear Waiting,

If you’re over eighteen, your mother has no right to “hold onto” your passport.Period.I assume, because you’ve mentioned finishing your schooling, that you mean college or university, and if that’s the case, you’ve reached voting age and you can make your own decisions.I imagine you thought that handing over your passport to your mother would placate her, but it’s time to get it back.

Your mother is not “supporting your lifestyle.”She’s trying to restrict your movements, hoping that you’ll give up on the girlfriend and she won’t have to deal with you as a “real lesbian” that has actual relationships with women, hoping that you won’t move to Canada and live far away from her.She’ll probably come around eventually, but you need to get your passport back, and if she won’t give it back, you need to remind her of two things: 1) what she’s doing is, technically, illegal, and you can and will apply for a new passport if necessary; and 2) you actually do not need a passport to enter Canada from the US.The border officials prefer it, of course, but I’ve crossed the border at least a dozen times, and they’ll take a driver’s license, even at airport customs.You don’t have to get all threat-ish with this information; just share it with her.Your mom might think she’s keeping you close, but deep down she’s got to know that it’s not going to work, and that she’s just going to make things worse between the two of you by trying.

Give your mom a big hug.Reassure her that you love her, that you’ll stay in touch, that you know what you’re doing…and, even if you don’t, that it’s your mistake to make.It’s time for her to let you go, and it’s natural that she’s having a hard time, but she’s got to cut the cord.

[11/16/00]

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