Hi Sarah!

Here’s my problem: I’m basically best friends with “Janie.” I’m also moderately good friends with “Tom.” In fact, we dated for a short while. Now I’m civil enough to him without giving the impression that I still have feelings for him in “that way,” which I don’t. Now, Janie and Tom are not the best of comrades. In fact, they’re at each other’s throats most of the time. Tom recently told me that Janie informed him that I have a thing for “Bob,” who is really nice and everything but is more the Michael Crichton-vs.-Thomas Harris-debate type than the lip-wrestling type. I’m a tad miffed at Janie because first of all, I don’t like Bob, and second of all, if I did, she has no business telling Tom or anyone else that without consulting me first. So I was plotting revenge when it dawned on me that Tom might be making the whole thing up…I know, I know, “Ask Janie,” which I would, except Tom begged me not to tell her because he “wasn’t supposed to tell me.” Now, this has happened once before, but it was something pretty trivial (SO IS THIS, SCREW IT!). I really want to know whether Janie said this or not, and if so, WHY IN HELL. Should I ask her and piss Tom off, forget about the whole thing and show blatant disinterest in Bob in front of Janie, or tell Tom to discourage Janie from thinking bad thoughts about me and Bob? You’re probably as confused as I am, now. Tylenol, anyone?

Loser

Dear Loser,

Ask Janie if she told Tom that you like Bob.Maybe she did; maybe she didn’t.Either way, take the opportunity to remind her that you’d prefer it if she didn’t tell tales out of school on you, particularly not to Tom.If Tom gets shirty about it, tell him to suck it up.If he wants to talk behind people’s backs, he can own it.

Next on your to-do list: get a hobby.Take up knitting, join a soccer league, whatever — find something more worthwhile to occupy your time than obsessing over whether a guy you don’t even like that much thinks you like another guy you don’t even like that much and who said what to whom and you can’t tell her he told you blah blah blah fishcakes.So Tom thinks you like Bob when you don’t.Who cares?Go volunteer at a soup kitchen, get some perspective already, and let Tom think what he wants.

Now, Sars, I like to think I am a mostly well-adjusted, mature adult person who only occasionally calls her mother saying, “Waah! Who made me a grown-up without asking your permission?!” I’ve lived on my own for quite some time, both with roommates in houses and apartments as well as alone in a particularly sad-sack (but wonderful!) studio apartment while going to school, and now, at the age of 24, I know the ins and outs of taking care of myself pretty well. After landing my first grown-up job about nine months ago, I moved into a glorious apartment with a good friend. She was the perfect roommate; she was around for maybe 10 days total during the entire “roommatehood,” spending all of her time instead with her fiancé, preparing for their wedding. She is not the problem.

Of course, I had to find a new roommate, because as lovely as it is to live alone, it’s not financially feasible no matter how reasonably priced the unit is for Silicon Valley (which it is). This is not exactly the problem either. After some deliberation, I invited a friend who’d been looking to move out with some other mutual friends but couldn’t get them off their asses to apartment-hunt to take up residence with me. Over the past few months, she’s spent plenty of nights crashing on my couch and is a genuinely nice person.

That’s (part of) the problem. I’m settled here, and have been for months. True, after living on my own for so long, sharing is not going to come easily, but I am making a genuine, if reasonable effort. But I’m starting to feel like an ogre for not going totally out of my way to help her or change my routines in order to accommodate her, or when I do, have her ignore me completely. Exhibit 1: The Kitchen. I consolidated my stuff until we had about equal amounts of cabinet space, and she crammed all her stuff into the cabinet above the fridge, which has been empty since I moved in because I’m too short to reach it. I’ve pointed out all the other room she’s more than welcome to use; she says she’s fine having her stuff all neatly together. Exhibit 2: The Bathroom. I’ve said, on more than one occasion, that if I’m not on the pot or in the shower, I’m happy to share the counter space and the mirror in the mornings. I keep the door open and go about drying my hair or whatnot, and she gets up, goes downstairs to the closet bathroom and locks herself in it to get ready — a friend who knows her better than I do suggested she might be self-conscious about her morning appearance (something about her skin and make-up? I pay no attention), but it’s really starting to worry me that I’m not doing enough to make her feel welcome. She hasn’t moved anything into our common living room area and put only a few things into the shower. I try to give her advice based on my experiences at the apartment (maybe not storing her metal cooking things in the cabinet beneath the OVEN, which I USE, OFTEN, at high temperatures) and let her know my major pet peeves (turn lights off at the WALL SWITCH, not on the light) but they’ve gone largely unheeded. All fairly minor objections, I know, but they pile up.

The root of the problem, though, I think lies here: Not to put too fine a point on it, but she’s a Chick With Antlers. Big ones. Every single one of my friends who have met her has picked up on it. She’s 23, but acts 19, in judgment, social situations, and her personal life. I really do like her, but she’s the type of girl who wanders around parties saying “wow, I’m so totally drunk” even after being told what that translates to in Lecherese; she’s never been to a gynecologist, despite being sexually active, wracked with horrific cramps, and having heard my firm position on the subject (No. Go. No!
GO!), and she has yet to learn the values of moderation. She’s never lived on her own before and just moved out of a crowded apartment with her mom and younger sister, where she felt it necessary to keep all of her stuff locked up to keep it from getting borrowed, stolen, or ruined. From what dime-store psychology I do know, chicks (or people, really) with her kind of background are used to bending over backwards to keep the peace; I want her to be comfortable, yes, but I would like her to stick up for her damned self or at the very least tell me to back off. (I have four older siblings. Sticking up for myself is probably not merely second nature, but first.)

We’ve had several talks, both about general stuff and the roommate stuff, but her laconic insistence that “no, I want my bedroom to be the whole house as far as I’m concerned” is driving me absolutely batshit. Have I done all I can, or did I miss a crucial step in the roommate acclimation process? Should I wait for her to get settled and see if she’ll want to expand, or should I keep reiterating my willingness to share or change or rearrange or SOMETHING if she’ll just ask? I want to be patient, really, but it’s not so much one of my virtues and on top of all the above issues, she’s kind of shy and we’ve barely known each other for a year. Thanks for your insight, even if it’s to tell me I’m wigging out overly after three years of solitude. While I know you don’t have a roommate (probably for reasons like these), you’ve likely hoed the rows, sung the songs, seen the sights and bought the T-shirt.

Antlerless Adult

Dear Adult,

Well, I’ll say one thing for you.You’ve written me the weirdest roommate-problems letter in Vine history.

There’s no nice way to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it.She’s not “acclimating” — or “sharing,” or “getting settled,” or whatever — because you’re annoying the hell out of her.It’s not an abuse issue.It’s not a mental-age issue.It’s that you’re all over her jock, about everything — where to store her pots and pans, how to inhabit the bathroom, the correct procedure for turning on the freakin’ lights — and if that’s not enough, apparently she’s not “comfortable” enough for you?Of course she’s not “comfortable” enough!You keep having uncomfortable discussions about how “comfortable” she feels!You act like she owes it to you to get “comfortable” — not “comfortable” according to her, but “comfortable” according to you!

Stop bossing her; stop “giving her advice” about the goddamn cookie sheets; stop leaving the bathroom door open while you perform your ablutions as though that’s supposed to set some sort of lofty example for her.She doesn’t want to use the bathroom, okay?For God’s sake, drop it.

She’s a roommate, not a pet project.If she wants to store her stuff in one cupboard, what’s it to you?Let her.If she wants to hang out mostly in her bedroom — and I don’t blame her, frankly; it’s the one place where you won’t subject her to a lecture on how she should “expand” — what’s it to you?Let her.You’ve made the rules of the house clear; you’ve told her you’re open to changes if she wants to make them, but if she doesn’t, LEAVE IT ALONE, because she’s an adult, and unless she’s not cleaning up after herself or forgetting to write down your messages, it’s none of your business.I can understand if you want to become closer friends with her, but this is really not the way to go about that.Stop taking every little thing she does or doesn’t do around the house so bizarrely personally, and back off before you weird her out any further.

[11/16/01]

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