Note: The answer to yesterday’s “you/your visiting” grammar-nundrum is found under “fused participles” in the Garner.I never would have looked there in a billion years.Thanks, AB Chao!

Sars,

I met Joe through a personal ad six weeks ago. I’m 24, he’s 37. We get
along great and are talking about moving in together, probably as soon
as I can work something out with my roommate.

I spent a weekend with Joe’s parents and sisters. They’re nice and
seem to like me, which is nice because I don’t have a relationship
anymore with my parents. (Why? Short answer: They didn’t like my
university boyfriend and withdrew financial support. So I begged and
cried, got some advice from friends and faculty, cried some more, got
myself together, then finished university on part-time and summer
jobs, and loans.)

One of Joe’s cousins is getting married in two months. Cuz and his
fiancee live 1500 miles away so I haven’t met the cousin but I have
met his parents. The wedding will be in our area. They sent an
invitation to “Joe” not to “Joe and guest.”Joe would really like me to
be there, I’m his first girlfriend. I’m really hurt that I haven’t been
invited. Joe talked to his mother about it, and she said that the cousin
didn’t even know I existed and that we should let it go.

Joe’s married sister and husband and three kids were invited. She just
announced that she is splitting from her husband, who now won’t be
coming, so I could go without throwing the numbers off.Question:
Should Joe and I jump on the opportunity and ask his cousin if I can
go?

Just call me,
Really want to be part of the family

Dear A Little Too Badly, I Think,

No.The cousin did not invite you.To ask if you can attend, or to put Joe in the position of asking if you can attend, is not appropriate.

“But if Joe’s brother-in-law isn’t coming, then –“Not the point.The point is twofold.First, you do not ask someone if you can come to his wedding.Period.It is not done.

Second, and more importantly?You don’t even know the guy!You barely know Joe, for that matter!You met him six weeks ago; this is not a relationship of enough standing to assume plus-one status to anything but cocktails.

I’m sure you do get along great; I’m sure Joe is a nice guy.But I think your desperate need to belong to a family, any family, is clouding your judgment in a big way here, to the point where you would consider moving in with a guy you’ve known not even two months, when he’s never had a girlfriend before?And he’s in his late thirties?Not that there’s anything wrong with that, per se, but it’s not per se; it’s everything taken together.You’re trying to create long-term intimacy out of a guy you don’t know very well yet, trying to squirm into the bosom of his family like you belong there.And you just don’t, yet.These things take time.Emotional closeness takes time.Bonding takes time.

Joe’s mother is right.You need to drop it, pronto, and while you’re up, you need to take a long look at what’s going on here.You’re trying to replace real longtime familial feeling here, I suspect, and I don’t blame you — your parents sound like they have a couple of problems — but this isn’t Joe’s family’s job, and you need to get a better handle on your motivations before you get into a situation you can’t get out of with Joe.

Hi Sars,

The situation — here at work we have monthly pot-luck luncheons to celebrate the birthdays of people for that month.It’s a group of mostly women, mostly admin types and secretaries.We don’t all work together really — just loosely associated by a common department — so we’re not all close personally.There are sub-groups within the larger group, if that makes sense.

This month there are no birthdays in the group so several people wanted to instead designate it a baby shower for one of the women.So far, no problems.The people who came up with this idea wanted to get her a group gift — which, if they want to, how nice.A sub-group of the normal lunch crowd discussed what to get amongst themselves and bought it.Now, I never chimed in to say I was participating, in fact I had said I couldn’t make it to this one at all.However, today a mass email was sent to the entire group saying we each owe $x.xx for the gift.It’s not much, under $10, but I’m kind of pissed anyway.

To me, it seems like you shouldn’t assume someone is participating in one of these things.It’s not like we do gifts normally, so there’s no precedent within the group for this.I don’t want to pay up, but I don’t want to stand out as the bitch who is too cheap to participate and hates babies…This isn’t a tiny group, but it’s small enough that it will get around who didn’t chip in.I know I can’t really have it both ways.I am going to decline to participate, but I’m just not sure what the best way is.I’d like to minimize the negativity.Any suggestions?I’m thinking of pleading poverty (not exactly a lie this month)…

Also, what’s your take on this whole “we’re not asking you, you’re just automatically in on the gift” thing?Am I being totally unreasonable about not participating?

Signed,
Glad this is my worst problem this week

Dear Glad,

Not really.I think the best you can do is “I did not attend, and therefore I won’t be participating.Thanks for understanding.”Which…they won’t, but on the other hand, I think that if you took an anonymous poll, at least three quarters of the people in any given office would say that they hate this stuff, feeling obliged to pony up for a gift (which is usually ugly) because office-culture peer pressure is too strong for them to refuse.So maybe it’s worth it if it starts a discussion where you work about whether this is appropriate.You seem well aware that you’re going to catch some flak for it, probably, but my advice is basically: don’t complain, don’t explain.You just can’t do it, period, sorry.

And if you’re one of the people who’s like, “It’s X’s birthday and we’re getting her this, it’s ten bucks”?No.Stop doing that.Send an email mentioning the event and inviting people to participate, and if they choose not to, that’s that.

I assume that answers your question on how I feel about this kind of thing.These parties and gift collections come from a good place originally, but the fact is, not everyone is friends with everyone else at work; not everyone has the financial room to throw in for a gift or a lunch every couple of weeks; and it just becomes this obnoxious “you have to invite the whole class to your pool party or feelings will get hurt” situation where nobody’s really into it, and you’re just standing around droning “Happy Birthday” all Volga-boatman like that scene in Office Space.I do think managers of departments have an obligation to make sure that it isn’t getting annoying or crossing the line into soliciting, but because they probably think it puts them in the position of saying, basically, “Bury your generous instincts at work,” they don’t ban it because they don’t want to seem Grinchy.

You’d think people would be more aware of the potential hassling here, and try to make it a little less “you must wear eighteen pieces of flair,” but…that’s not the world we live in, I guess.

Sars,

I’ve reached that point in my life where I’m no longer on my parents’ insurance and I have my own insurance, so I don’t have to continue using Planned Parenthood to get my birth control.However, this also means I have to find a doctor and I have no earthly cluehow to go about finding a gynecologist or OB/GYN or whatever type of doctor is the right type.I’m on a preferred provider type of insurance so the choices are already narrowed down, but I still have way to many names and types of doctors to chose from.

So basically my question is how do I go about doing this?Do I want a gynecologist, OB/GYN, or does it matter?What types of qualities/traits should I be looking for, how can I make sure she’s a creditable doctor, and are there questions I should ask? I would consult other women in this area who might know these doctors but unfortunately I’ve moved far away from my original home and don’t really know many people yet. Any help or advice would be fabulous!Thanks!

Already Confused By the Health Care Industry

Dear Al,

There’s no reason you can’t continue going to Planned Parenthood, which certainly offers GYN services, but if you’d rather not, you could phone them or go into your local branch and ask for a recommendation for an off-site GYN.

I would go to a straight GYN, just because, in my experience, OB/GYNs with any size of OB practice are more focused on that side…and inevitably, an OB case is going to come in while you’re waiting, or go long, and your appointment is going to get bumped back.In theory, I see why this is so; in practice, I want the appointment over with, thanks.

I’ve also had better luck with GYNs (or GYN-focused RPAs) who work within women’s-wellness clinics and/or just generally have a more whole-woman focus.They’re better listeners, they’re more willing to try different solutions if you’re having birth control or cycle issues, and it’s a little less clinical.

But beyond that, it’s mostly trusting your instinct.My current GYN is always running late and her practice is just overrun, but she never rushes through her appointments with me, and her staff is just lovely, so professional and pleasant (and I’m sad to say that this is a rarity in New York City).So, get a rec from Planned Parenthood, and when you go, you’ll get a sense of the office and the staff and see if it’s a good fit for you.

Hi Sars.

I recently found myself with two new best
friends forever:
two
neighbour kids, both girls, Z (age 9) and T (age 5).
I know you don’t
have
kids of your own but I suspect you have more
experience of them as a
species
than I do so hope you can give me some ideas on how to
deal with them.

The reason I suspect you have more experience than I
do is because I
have
absolutely none at all.I’ve always been the baby of
family and
friendship
groups — and a tomboy baby at that — so I have never
hung around with
anyone
younger than me or developed any mothering skills unless
they were feline
in
focus.I’ve always been extremely uncomfortable
around children
because I just
don’t know how to deal with them and haven’t needed to
learn these
skills
because, until recently, I didn’t know any.I have
general social
problems
anyway so I just bundled it all together and left it
on a shelf to be
dealt
with as and when needed.

The need arose at the start of summer.Whenever I had
the door open, Z
and T
would appear at my gate, asking to stroke one (or
several) of my cats.
I let
my (more child-friendly) boyfriend deal with it most
of the time but
sometimes
when I was home alone, I had to comply.I was more
concerned about
making sure
they were doing right by the felines than making new
friends (I thought
if I
could teach them how to be quiet around the cats,
approach them slowly
and
stroke them correctly, it would save my scaredy cats
the trauma of
being
chased, shouted at and grabbed) but slowly, it became
quite apparent
that Z was
using the cats as an excuse to talk to someone new for
a little while.

She’s a
boisterous, confident girl, keen to befriend everyone
within a 50-mile
radius —
but without a ready source of kids of a similar age to
hang out with.

As the summer progressed, she began to latch onto me
as soon as I
entered the
street on my way home from work.She would grab at me
and hold onto
me,
shouting about this and that, as I walked to my house
— this made me
uncomfortable two-fold: 1) because she’s a child and
bleugh ick
children, and
2) because my main social problem in general is to do
with physical
contact of
any sort, from anyone aside from my boyfriend.I’d
try to politely
shake her
off and use a cat as a deflection shield as soon as I
could.

One day,
Z and T
ganged up to soak me with a water pistol and my only
way to escape was
to
promise Z I would have a water fight with her later in
the week when I
was off
work.The fight was good fun and we ended up drawing
together
afterwards.

This all set a bit of a precedent: every day (or
evening, once they
returned to
school) they would come over, asking to draw or to
play.I gave in
every time
at first but lately I’ve found myself saying “no” more
and more.
Sometimes
it’s because I’m genuinely busy (I work full-time, am
studying for a MA
part-time and am engaged in community groups too) but other
times it’s
because I’m
scared of them again.They quickly got bored of my
water-fight/drawing/Frisbee
amusement repertoire — they ask to do these things but
don’t
concentrate for
more than a few minutes before getting a glazed look
of boredom.

But I
don’t
know what else we can do together — as I said, I have
no experience
with
children whatsoever so don’t know any games or
anything — my idea of
fun as a
children was setting myself research projects
(…yeah).I’ve tried
looking
online and in books of classroom activities for
teachers (I work in a
university library so have a ready source of the
latter) but haven’t
found many
good ideas — they’re often too young for Z or too old
for T, require
more than
three people or use resources we don’t have.I’m not
opposed to
spending a
little money on art/craft supplies or books but can’t
build up a fancy
dress
box or buy sports equipment.

We’re also limited as
our main playground
is the
street — it’s not a through road so is quiet but still
public.So my
first
question is: Do you have any ideas of games or
activities that we can
do
together?I’m particularly interested in ones that
have a learning
element
attached (they aren’t really stimulated outside of
school) but I find
it hard
to appeal to them both at the same time — especially
since if I pay
attention
to T, Z starts acting up and disrupts us.

That moves nicely onto my second question: Do you have
any suggestions
on how I
can control them when they’re causing chaos?I don’t
like the idea of
shouting
at them (because I don’t think it’s particularly
effective and I’m
worried about
upsetting them/their parents) but speaking firmly
doesn’t seem to get
the
message across.Z demands constant attention: how can
I get her to
concentrate
and be less needy?She seems to have low self-esteem
issues and is
always
trying to show off.She’s also sometimes really loud
(shouting at me
and
others, either at close range or at a distance) and
seems to be in a
worrying
“violence solves everything so let me repeatedly punch
you” mind frame.

I
suspect a lot of these issues arise from her home life
(she’s been in
and out
of foster care and one of the first things she told me
was how her
absent dad
says he hates her and wishes she hadn’t been born) but
is there
anything I can
do to help her?She seems to be willing to do
anything for attention —
and
with some slightly older boys on the street, I’m
worried what will
happen if
she’s still in this mindset in a few years’ time.I
would also like to
stop the
bruises when she pummels my arm/boobs when I say I
can’t “play out.”

That’s my third question: When I genuinely am busy,
can you suggest any
strategies for getting the message across that I can’t
play all the
time?Z
always demands to know what I’m doing and then demands
to help me — but
when
I’m doing chores or my masters work, she doesn’t
understand that she
can’t
help.When I open the door to her, she sits on the
door step so I
can’t shut
it again — my boyfriend suggests that I have to be
more forceful with
her but
shutting the door in her face seems rather harsh — and
is sometimes
impossible
because she is physically in the way and I don’t want
to hurt her.My
boyfriend doesn’t like it when I lightly tell Z to “go
away” — I don’t
like it
much either but it’s the only thing that seems to
work.

So do you have any suggestions whatsoever that can
help me?Avoiding
them seems
unfair (and is very difficult) but a lack of ideas has
left me fretting
at the
thought of spending any time with them at all — so any
thoughts would
be
appreciated!

Why aren’t they amused by dangling string like the
cats?

Dear Because They Aren’t Cats,

It’s good of you to want to play with them and spend time with them — but you need to start setting some boundaries, and abiding by them.These kids seem to need a lot of attention and affection that they aren’t getting at home, but it isn’t your responsibility to provide those things, nor to amuse them if they can’t amuse themselves.Again, it’s great that you want to, and that you can give them some time, but I think you need to get out of the mindset that it’s now your job to do it whenever they seem to need it.

You definitely need to learn to say no, and to lay down some rules and enforce them.”No, I can’t play today, I’m sorry.See you later.”Close door.If necessary, move Z bodily out of door and then close door.”If you hit me or shout at me, you can’t play with me; that’s rude.”If she does it again, escort her out, close door.”If you can’t share me with T, we can’t play anymore.”Escort her out, close door.I feel for these kids, and obviously you do too, but not giving them any consequences because you feel sorry for them isn’t going to work.Start saying no, start giving bad behavior negative consequences — and start calling over to their house if Z is sitting on your porch and won’t leave.You’re not doing them any favors by rewarding that by giving in.

The activities aren’t really the point, I don’t think; there’s any number of card games and board games and things you can do with construction paper that can keep children amused for hours on end.You can probably get a whole mess of toys for cheap at the local Goodwill, or a Monopoly set on eBay, and use those.The point is that you’re talking about teaching them — from scratch, it sounds like — skills like sharing, playing well with others, understanding boundaries, and so on that are really too big a job for you, because it’s for their parents to do that stuff.It’s called “raising them,” and you didn’t sign on for that.Encouraging a love of learning in them is a wonderful and admirable idea, don’t get me wrong, and if you have the time and the desire to try it, great.But you aren’t obliged to do the whole job just because apparently nobody else is doing it.

Just get some games or some puzzles or some decks of cards or whatever, and do your best.What they mostly want is for an adult to spend time with them and give them some structure, so keep doing that to the best of your ability, but if they get to be too much?Make that clear to them, ask them to go do something else for a while, and feel okay about it.I know it’s difficult when kids are craving approval and company that much, to the point where they’re pestering you to let them help with household chores, but if they’re in your face all the time to the point where you don’t really want to hang out with them at all?That isn’t good either.

Set some limits and hold to them.

All right, Sars.I finally have a dilemma that needs your insight.

I got married three weeks ago.We chose to get married in the town where we met and attended college, which meant that practically everyone had to travel, including the bride and groom.We took a red eye on Thursday night and got into town around 8 AM on Friday, ready to see people and have a great time.The ceremony was Sunday.

Two of my bridesmaids, my sister S and my best friend from high school L, drove together from my hometown, which is about 90 miles away, and they arrived Friday afternoon.I actually called them while they were en route and had everyone cheer for them to hurry up (they had stopped somewhere to shop) because we were excited to see them.By this time, I had seen my parents, a few friends, and my fiancé’s brother.Everyone was in such a great mood and excited for us that I was unprepared for what came.

When S and L arrived, they said they were tired.L said she had gotten home the night before at midnight and had only packed then.I was thinking, “Hello?Red eye?Just go to Starbucks like I did,” but I didn’t say anything.Then they told me that they didn’t want to go out for dinner or for my bachelorette party and I was very hurt.

I went off to the bathroom and had a cry.My sister came in and said that she would gladly go out for the evening, that she was just worried that she would embarrass me in front of my college friends.I said that was ridiculous and she agreed to come along.

When I left the bathroom, I took L aside and apologized for being high-strung and for getting upset about them not coming to dinner.I told her that it would mean a lot to me if she would join us but that was up to her.She just stared at me like I was some sort of crazy person and just said, “Yeah, okay, whatever.”

L ended up joining us for dinner but not for the bachelorette party.S came to both and seemed to enjoy herself.Unfortunately, when she called her husband (an alcoholic who wasn’t going to arrive until the day of the wedding because of work), it was obvious that he was drunk.So when she left my party, she drove home and brought him back.This was a surprise to L, who was sharing a hotel room with S.

L threw a bit of a hissyfit about having nowhere to sleep the following night and called home to have her mom book her a room in a nearby hotel.This was ridiculous, because she was supposed to spend the night before the wedding with me (I chose not to sleep with my fiancé to be somewhat traditional).In the end, she stayed with me but the fact that she got another room (she did book one, by the way) made me roll my eyes (but not in her presence — I heard about all of this from my mom because the drama was over by the time I woke up on Saturday).

The rest of the weekend, she was just really surly.We went out following the rehearsal dinner and this time she came along, but she didn’t want to do anything.She just sat there.And she barely spoke to me and seemed withdrawn and pissed off.

The day after the wedding, S told me that L was mad that I didn’t say goodbye to her at the reception.She was actually the second to last person I hugged and said my goodbyes to before I left, so I’m not sure what she was upset about.

I really can’t describe it.All weekend, she needed constant attention and ego-stroking.And she made these little snide comments whenever she did talk to me.And prior to the wedding she made a remark about how I may be getting married but she’s getting her master’s degree, so that somehow makes her better?

During the wedding weekend, I pushed most of this out of my mind.I tried to be a good friend to her before the weekend even started by not inviting some of my friends from high school with whom she no longer gets along.I thought I was accommodating during the weekend and my entire family accommodated her — they paid for everything and spent a lot of the excess time with her (she’s pretty close with my family so this wasn’t awkward) but now that everything is over, I’m really angry at her.And I can tell that two things are happening:

1. She’s gotten so close to my family that I feel somewhat betrayed by them for befriending her.My mom has more or less said that L was a bitch during the wedding and that she doesn’t seek out L’s friendship but they still chat on the phone several nights a week.

2. I can tell that she’s trying to dump me as a friend (if she hasn’t already) but is doing it in such a way that she can blame me for it.For instance, she’s actually complaining about me not saying goodbye to her, which isn’t even true!And she used to call and email me all the time so that most of our interactions were initiated by her.Now she can stop doing those things and say that I was a bad friend for not calling her more.But the fact is that I don’t want to talk to her right now.I don’t like to talk on the phone and I just can’t deal with her right now because I’m so pissed.I wrote her an awesomely nice thank-you note in an attempt to keep the peace but now I just think that it makes her feel like she was a super great friend and I was an ass who wasn’t more accommodating.

I guess that’s the problem.I don’t want my family spending so much time with her and I don’t want to apologize, because I think she was a horrible friend who treated me poorly during one of the most important times of my life.I also don’t want the blame to come back on me when our friendship is over, because she is a gossip and she’ll tell everyone that it was my fault.

I know that she and I can’t continue to be friends until she apologizes or I’ve had enough time to get over it.But what do I do until that happens?My family is obviously unwilling to drop her from their lives — I don’t think they care one way or the other but they wouldn’t intentionally be mean or avoidant.I also don’t want the blame but she’s in my hometown and talks to our friends more often than I do.I guess my question is: How do I cut her influence out of my life?Or how do I get her to realize that she needs to apologize?Telling her how I feel will obviously not work as it didn’t work during the wedding.Is there something else I can do?

Thanks,
Annoyed Newlywed

Dear Annoyed,

Yeah — you can stop caring.L is a self-absorbed bitch with bad manners who’s telling lies about you.Why she’s trying to drop you as a friend, I don’t know — probably some deep-seated insecurity on her part — but it doesn’t really matter; you should welcome this turn of events, because you’ll be rid of her.

If it were me, I’d call her and tell her straight out, “I don’t appreciate the way you behaved at my wedding.I certainly don’t appreciate your telling people that I didn’t say goodbye to you when we both know that isn’t what happened, and when you didn’t even bring that up to me directly in the first place.You’ll do what you like, but I’m really angry with you.”And then just sit there.Maybe she backpedals, maybe she flips shit on you, maybe she’s weird on the phone but then immediately afterwards calls all your mutual friends and talks up what a bitch you are — whatever.Tell her you’re pissed, tell her you’re onto her, and then just drop her.

“But my family –“Again, whatever.If they want to deal with her, they can feel free, and you can tell them so; it’s up to them, but you’re done with her.Mutual friends, same thing.You can’t control what people think of you, so if everyone in your hometown wants to get on the Passive-Aggressive L Train, let them.Chances are they see through her shit, but if they don’t, to hell with them; if they believe what she’s saying and take her side, they deserve her.

You really can’t control L’s behavior.You can only control your own.So, stop caring what she thinks; stop caring about her.She’s obviously stopped caring about your feelings, so, that’ll do.It sucks when this happens, and when someone is such a blatant cramp about it, but there’s really not much you can do besides saying “fine, buh-bye then” and feeling relieved that you won’t have to deal with her anymore.

[11/16/05]

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