Dear Sars and Stephanie —

What a great idea!Thanks so much for this opportunity.

My question is about knives.What types and brands do you recommend
for the budget-conscious home chef? What do I really need in my kitchen?

Sincerely,
Chopping Challenged

This is a great question to begin with, because the most important thing in your kitchen is a set of well-sharpened knives. Good knives make life and prep work so much easier — from chopping garlic to slicing tomatoes to cutting grilled steak on the bias.

I’ve met chefs who have enormous knife collections culled from every corner of the world that span the entire price spectrum, and they all told me that they can’t live without any single one of them. Phooey! I have three very good knives — with the option of a fourth — that I use nearly every day, and I really don’t think that having a flexible boning knife that’s as double-jointed as a contortionist, or one that was forged in the fires of Hephaestus and hand-tooled by blind pearl divers in Japan, is really all that important to the everyday cook. I also believe knives should be multi-taskers in order to justify the large chunk of cash you’re going to drop on them.

The Three Essentials

The paring knife. My paring knife is a three-and-a-half-inch flat blade. I use it for peeling, slicing, making quick cuts, and general poking of various items. If you’re not yet comfortable using your chef’s knife for most things, you need one of these for garlic, scallions, vegetables, shallots, and “frenching” bones.

The chef’s knife. I have a ten-inch regular blade that was an upgrade from my eight-inch Target blade. If you’ve always used an eight-inch, it will seem like a lot of steel to handle at first. However, you get used to it very quickly and the more you use it, the better you become. Some people prefer the ten-inch wide-blade, which, as you might guess, provides a greater surface area and additional heft. If you’re already nervous about the length, get the regular as opposed to the wide. There’s really no difference in terms of performance, just your comfort. I’ve gotten to the point where I use this blade for almost everything — garlic, scallions, onions, carrots, celery, shallots, and meat. It’s even strong enough to hack through bone, but it will get dull very quickly if you do it often.

The serrated blade or the “bread knife.” I have a nine-inch serrated knife that I use for bread, cakes, and pies but most important, I use it for tomatoes. The serrated areas are not jagged points — they are actually deep scallops etched into the flat of the blade, which means you don’t tear your bread or your tomatoes. Some knife lines will try to sell you a separate serrated knife they call a tomato knife. Don’t buy it — you don’t need it if you have the bread knife.

The Optional Fourth

The boning/filet knife. These knives are small, light, and generally five to seven inches long. Their size and heft lend themselves well to dodging around bones in meat, fish, and poultry without doing too much injury to the surrounding flesh. For instance, if you want to bone-out a chicken and leave the entire carcass intact, this is what you would use. This is also good if you are filleting your own fish — a long chef’s knife could do more damage than desirable. If you are just hacking limbs and breast apart or working on a crown roast, your chef’s knife is all you’d need.

Being a Brand Whore

Yes, you have to be one, but only because the old adage “you get what you pay for” has never been more true than it is in this case. Knives are expensive, but once you see your way clear to putting down that money — unless you don’t take care of your knives and manage to break a blade — it’s more than likely that you won’t have to do it again. It’s also extremely likely that you’d be able to get these blades during specials or sales at places like Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Chef’s Catalog. Don’t buy your knives at Williams-Sonoma — I don’t think I’ve ever seen them offered at anything less than their highest possible price.

I own all Wüsthof blades and I swear by them. In fact, I’ve never used anything else, although I’ve heard and read that Henckels are pretty good. Considering I’ve used my Wüsthof blades without complaint for over a year and put a ton of mileage on them at culinary school, I think that’s a pretty good recommendation.

Price Ranges for Wüsthof

The paring knife, three-and-a-half inch flat: $29.99-$50.00

The chef’s knife, ten-inch regular: $99.99-$130.00

The chef’s knife, ten-inch wide: $139.99-$180.00

The serrated blade or the “bread knife,” nine-inch: $69.99-$98.00

The boning/filet knife, five-inch: $59.99-$70.00

Handle with Care

It’s as important to feel secure and comfortable just holding your blade as you do chopping with your blade. Wooden handles are not the best for longevity, because under the strain of continued washings they will split and crack and give you splinters — and for that reason they should never go in the dishwasher. If you have any doubts, ask to hold the blade before you buy it.

Whether you decide to keep your knives in a block or buy separate guards for each one, just make sure they aren’t kept naked in a drawer where they can bang up against one another or anything else metal.

My final bit of advice is keep ’em sharp. If you aren’t comfortable doing it yourself — and, let’s face it, if you don’t know what you’re doing you could really ruin the blade — take them to a professional twice a year. A dull blade can cut you much more seriously than a sharp one, and plus, dull blades are just pointless.

Sars, oh wise and learned scribe, won’t you tell me? Am I going to hell? I am a church secretary who hates her boss. No, not THAT boss. Just the minister.

Anyway, I am a secretary in a Protestant church (I am not a member here), female, married, one child, early thirties. He is your typical mid-fifties, married, two grown kids, patriarchal whatever whatever. Picture Charles Durning without the sex appeal. Oh, come on, you loved him in Hudsucker Proxy.

I like my job, which I’ve had for a little over a year. I don’t plan on being the church lady for the rest of my life, but this is what I am doing until I am ready to take over the world.How would I describe my boss? He is inconsiderate, clueless, condescending, manipulative, patronizing and pompous. I won’t bore you with his bad qualities.

Example: Our offices are right next door to each other. The man will get up from his desk, walk into my office, walk past the copier to my desk where I am working on something, and plop some document on my desk.

A dramatization of actual events follows:

Rev: “I’m going to need copies of this.”

Me: “Let me see if I have this straight. You just came into my office, walked past the copier, which I have seen you use successfully on many occasions, now don’t deny it, and interrupted what I am doing so that you could get me to make some copies for you. Is that about the size of it?”

Rev: “Yes. I’d really appreciate it.”

Me: “Is there some complicated kind of copy you want me to make, that you can’t do yourself?”

Rev: “No, I just need regular copies. Thanks.” Leaves.

I make the copies. Seconds later he buzzes me on the intercom. The Intercom. From His Office. Where I can hear him breathing, we’re that close.

Me: “Yes, Rev.”

Rev: “Who’s this?”

Me: “It’s me.”

Rev: “Oh, I wasn’t sure if that was you or not.”

Me: “Well it is.”

Rev: “Did you make those copies?”

Me: “Yes, they’re right here.”

Rev: “Can you bring them in please?”

Me: “Sure, Rev.”

I go into his office and hand him the copies. He hands me a slip of paper with the name of a bookstore, the bookstore’s phone number and the name of a book he needs.

Rev: “Thanks, I need you to call this bookstore and see if they have this book. Ask how much it is and then tell me. If I think it’s a good price then call them back and order it for me.”

He tells me this while he is sitting at his desk, which is equipped with a fully operational PHONE! A phone, I say! This kind of shit goes on all of the time. He will frequently come into my office and hand me a slip of paper with someone’s name and phone number on it. He will ask me to call this person, ask the person a question and then tell him what the person said. Don’t they learn in seminary that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line?

I realize he is my boss, and as such, he can tell me to do stuff. But how much stupid stuff do I have to do? It’s not like he doesn’t have time to make a two-minute call. Sometimes, I think he is asking me to do things just to prove that he can. Here is my typical week: A further dramatization.

Monday

Rev: “Can you fill out my change of address form?”

Me: “Shouldn’t you do that? I mean, I think you have to sign it at the bottom.”

Rev: “But I couldn’t figure it out, so could you do it? And sign my name for me.”

Me: “Right, I could see how all those little spaces on the form could confuse you. Name. Old Address. Date. New Address.”

Rev: “I’m on my way out of the office where I will pass by the post office drive-through mailbox. I’m too important to sully my hands by rolling down my window. Can you take this piece of mail and mail it for me?”

Me: “Why of course, Assy Assholeagain, I would be happy to!”

Tuesday

Rev: “Can you call some parishioner I don’t feel like dealing with, and tell them I can’t have lunch with them today. Oh, and by the way, Want to have lunch?”

Me: “Um, yes I will make a phone call you should have the stones to make yourself. And no I can’t eat with you because I’m fasting this week.”

Wednesday

Rev: “Oh, I hate that stupid organist, and the associate pastor, and the treasurer and a large number of the congregation. But, uh, I would never talk about you that way.”

Me: “Sure, contrary to what the organist, associate pastor and treasurer have told me.”

Thursday

Rev: “I just manipulated the whole church council into doing something the whole congregation totally doesn’t want. Yay, me!”

Me: “Yay, Tooly O’Tool! You think you can get them to spring for a computer for my office that was manufactured in the last half century?”

Rev: “Um, not really my area. Gotta go.”

Friday

Rev: “At that dinner party I just gave, I really snared some suckers into giving money for stuff the church doesn’t need. Say, would you and your husband like to come to my house for a dinner party? Let’s make it a date!”

Me: “Oh, sure, Fatty McFattyass, I would love to eat dinner with the person who consented to have sex with you at least twice and stare into the cold vacant eyes of your progeny from this evil union.”

Friday call to my cell-phone thirty minutes after office is closed

Me: “Hello.”

Rev: “Uh, who is this?”

Me: “It’s me. Didn’t you just call me?”

Rev: “Oh, I wasn’t sure that was you”

Me: “Yyyeeesssss?”

Rev: “Well, I called your cell because I couldn’t reach you at the office. How come you didn’t answer the office phone?”

Me: “Because I’m not in the office. It’s after hours.”

Rev: “Oh. So I guess I couldn’t get you to type a letter for me then?”

Me: “Nnnnnooooooo.”

Rev: “Okay, then, see you Monday.”

Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

See, I have all this hostility and it has no place to go. Last time I had a boss who was kind of clueless, I could call him on it. He also wasn’t over-sensitive like the Rev. (Okay, how sensitive could he be? It was retail.) This guy has chased off two organists who disagreed with his methods and who did not want to hang out with him. The two secretaries before me (within six months?!) were also made to leave. One time I called him on a small bit of asshole-ness on his part, using my inside voice, and the guy practically threw a document at me and was huffy all week afterward. Being subtle has not worked. Sarcasm escapes him.

Now, like I said, I don’t want to be here forever, but I don’t want to burn any bridges either. I guess I feel some sort of Christian guilt that makes me think I have to be nice to the minister even though he is obviously the prototype for Dilbert’s pointy-haired boss. Damn Christian doctrine, with the preaching of the niceness and the tolerance and all that happy crappy. Damn them.

I am a reasonable person and want to be able to handle this in a professional manner. I don’t want to be that person who quits her job just because she hates her boss. I’d like to think I’m beyond that. (Excerpt from future job app: “Reason left last position — Buried boss under sanctuary.”) Am I doomed to hell? Any ideas?

Yours,
The Church Lady

Dear Church Lady,

Honey, what is it exactly that you think secretaries do?It’s busywork like the stuff he asks you to do.That’s the job.Yeah, Rev could do those things himself…if he didn’t have a secretary.But he does.If you think you’re too good to make phone calls and copies, go ahead and quit, but he’s your boss, and he’s not the problem here.

Yes, he sounds kind of clueless, but 1) bosses get to tell you what to do, uh duh, and 2) as a former church secretary myself, when you have to fix a mimeograph machine in an un-air-conditioned office, in July, during an employee-theft investigation into the forging of your own mother’s signature, with not one but two brides in the office freaking the fuck out because the former senior minister got the heave-ho from the congregation for boinking a parishioner not his wife, then you can complain to me about having to call a bookstore.

Quit, or suck it up.

Hi Sars —

I’ve got a problem that, while not life-ruining, is pretty bothersome when I
mull it over, which is more and more frequently these days.

So I’m a young woman living in Manhattan with the typical close-quarters
you’d expect.I live in a co-op building, and am directly next door to a
woman who would like to murder me, were it not so time-consuming and messy.
We’ve had several run-ins, concerning my smoking in the apartment (though
smoking is perfectly allowed, and I’ve checked with the management board on
this) and my playing an instrument (semi-legal, as long as it does not
bother the other tenants). She’s sent me threatening letters and “reported”
me to the building authorities on several occasions.

I know I sound like a
nightmare neighbor, but I do have some arguments in my defense.I’ve been
nothing but utterly cooperative and sweet during our tiffs, and have made
every effort to accommodate her.When she was bothered by the smoking, I
bought a better fan for ventilation and sealed my door with foam.When she
was bothered by the instrument, I said a thousand mea culpas and stopped playing
it in the apartment forevermore.Unfortunately, no matter how sugary-nice I
am, she’s branded me a reckless lunatic, hell-bent on wrecking her sanity.
My own theories as to why she truly hates me run more towards the idea that
she hates that I’m a young, reasonably good-looking girl with a lot of
friends and a happy life.Still, I have had only two parties in the two and a half
years I’ve lived in the place, because I am anal-retentively afraid of
bothering her.

At this point, though, I wouldn’t really give a crap whether or not she
thought I was Satan embodied, since the hostility has become more direct on
her part.Last month, I had to replace my mailbox ID tag (which was paper)
twice, because someone was scratching out my name with a sharp object.Out
of the thirty apartmental mailboxes in the building, mine was the only one
vandalized, and twice at that.It made me feel sad and crept out.I have
had nothing but Little Miss Mary Sunshine interactions with every other one
of my neighbors, and I’ve become friends with a few. There are absolutely no
other tenants I’ve so much as exchanged grimaces with.Therefore, I’m
doubtful that the culprit could be anyone but her.

I’m no Lou Ferrigno, but I’m not afraid of confronting her if it’s
appropriate.My friends say she’s stomping all over me, knowing how
intimidated I’ve been, and how I’ve kowtowed to her wishes.My own,
relatively tough, father said he thought she was frightening when he met her
briefly.Maybe I’m the bad guy here, and I’ve wrecked the thing myself with
my past transgressions, but I think this lady’s gone too far.

Am I being a dick, or should I tell her I know it’s her who’s been messing
with me, and lay down the law? If you think it’s the latter, how should this
law get laid down? I can open up a can or jar of whoop-ass if it’s
necessary, but I really want to make peace here.

Signed,
Can’t We All Just Get Along? No. No, We Can’t.

Dear No,

What’s the point of confronting her?First of all, unless you can furnish video of her clawing out your mailbox ID, she’s going to deny it and hate you even more.Second of all, it’s not like the ID is brass; it’s paper, you can replace it, whatever.And third of all, unless she’s in a position to get you kicked out of the building…fuck her in the ear.

Continue to smily-smile her to death.Replace the ID as many times as you have to.Betray no sign that you think it’s her or that you think she’s crazy, but at the same time, stop tiptoeing around her.Show her the same courtesy you’d show any of your other neighbors — no less, but no more either — and leave it at that.Neither laying down the law nor trying to make peace is going to work with a neighbor like that, so don’t bother with either.

Dear Sars,

My best friend (she’s a cat person, so I’ll call her “Kitty”) is dating
my cousin (who is a dog person — let’s dub him “Fido”). I’m an only
child, but come from a big, extended family. Fido is one of a group
of five male cousins, and as a pack I introduced them to Kitty about
four years ago, and she has become very good friends with some of
them. Closer, in fact, in many ways, than I am (obviously, with the
whole dating-one-of-them thing, but even before that, I’d say it was
true).

While I love them both, I really can’t stand to be with them when
they are together. They seem to bring out each other’s worse
tendencies: She gets very stroppy, can be painfully blunt and
selfish. He acts really needy, and turns into everybody’s doormat.
She has “borrowed” lots of money off of him, while they both struggle
financially. (Direct quote from him to her: “You get $100 a week to
spend on anything…bikini waxes, Cosmo, whatever.” These are people
who struggle with finding food money, for God’s sake.)

She admits quite readily to me that she’s unhappy with the way she
treats him. She’s been engaged in a cold war with his mother (who he
is very close to), which is only just beginning to thaw. Worst of
all, they each have a bad history of depression and
self-destructiveness when it comes to relationships. I know, I’ve
been there to pick up the pieces.

I feel that I should try to stay neutral, but I introduced her into
the family and the associated circle of friends. If the huge bust-up
that I fear happens, it’s going to be really hard for both of them,
as well as me. Kitty won’t be welcome at family events like she was
when she was my best friend. She’ll possibly lose some close
friendships, as I can’t see Fido’s brothers/cousins staying in
contact with her as readily as they are now, if she’s his ex.

What is also really bugging me is my reaction to all this: Maybe it’s
not the powder keg I see, and I’m just too jealous and clingy. I’m
becoming easily stung by any comment she makes about my family, even
in jest. I can’t deal with her criticizing them, no matter how open
she is about problems within her own family. As I said, I don’t like
being around them as a couple, feelings I suspect Kitty has picked up
on. This sucks in so many ways, since otherwise I never see Fido, and
it obviously puts barriers up in between my best friend and me.

Am I
just being selfish, and what if I’m impacting negatively on their
relationship? I feel like I’m an underpinning part of it, and I
really don’t want to have this make them unhappy, yet even my minor
role feels suffocating.

Yours sincerely,
Hillbilly Jane

Dear Jane,

Kitty and Fido are adults.Their relationship is not your job, and you don’t have to feel responsible for it.People I introduced to each other have gotten engaged; it doesn’t mean I get a toaster off the registry.Step back and let them deal with each other.

And if you don’t like Kitty trash-talking your family, it’s time to tell her that.Let her know it makes you uncomfortable; best-friendship doesn’t mean you have to listen to that.If you don’t like the way she treats him, excuse yourself from their company the next time she acts up, and if she asks, tell her why — it’s best friend vs. family, and you want out of the middle.If Kitty and Fido break up, make it clear that you won’t pick a side and that they’d better not try to make you.

The only behavior you can control, as I’ve said before, is your own.Take yourself out of situations with the two of them where you feel awkward, stop letting Kitty take advantage of your friendship to put you in those situations, and stop bracing yourself for a break-up that isn’t really your lookout anymore.

Hi.

Well, I have a problem. Obviously, or I wouldn’t be writing to you. Well, you
know I always believed that in some corner of your mind you could control who
you liked and who you didn’t like.

But a few months ago, I met a guy.
For some reason, I was instantly attracted to this guy, even though I had just
broken up with my boyfriend and I didn’t like the idea of guys at all and I
thought they should all go to hell. But two days later I found out that he had a
girlfriend, and they had been dating for two months. So, I kept my distance, and
tried to stop liking him, but it didn’t work and I ended up liking him more. So,
I don’t enjoy lying to people, and he thought I hated him, because I stayed so
far away. I think the exact phrase was “you avoid me like I have SARS,” actually.

But about a month ago I told him that I liked him. Now, you would expect any
other guy to tell me flat-out that he has a girlfriend and to please stay away.
But he didn’t. He actually hit on me even more. And it was hard to resist. But I
think cheating is one of the worst things ever, so I still stayed away.

Now, you should know about his relationship past. He has had a few serious
girlfriends, and I know he’s cheated on at least three of them. I think he just
can’t stop himself. But about a week ago, his girlfriend found out that he’s
cheated on her seven times, with three different girls, two of which were his
ex-girlfriends. So they broke up. And now he’s all over me. But I don’t mind it.
I actually encourage it. I feel so strongly for him that I’m entertaining the
idea that we are meant to be together. But I’m sure he doesn’t care about me in
that way. But I know he’ll mess around with me.

The fact of the matter is, I am utterly and completely torn. I want him so bad,
and at the same time I never want to see him again. I don’t think I can live
with myself knowing I never went for it, but also I can’t imagine the pain of
being cheated on. I have absolutely no idea what to do, but I do know that if
not talked out of it soon, my heart will win over my brain. The problem is that
no matter how hard I try, I can’t talk myself out of it.

Please help me,
Head Over Heels

Dear Heels,

You liked him initially because he seemed safe.You’d just split up with someone, and this guy had a girlfriend, so nothing would happen and you could moon over him pain-free.

Well, now he’s “free.”What to do?That depends.If you just want to take it to the hoop with him, go for it, but if you think it’s going to turn into something more — or if you really want it to in spite of your better judgment — run far away, and stay there.I think you’ve overthought things with him to the point where, no matter what happens between you, it’s going to turn into a big dramatic deal and you’re going to get burned when he cheats on you.Which he will.

I know from experience that it’s tempting to give it a go anyway, but…no.The only pro balancing a foot-long list of cons is “but I want to!”Not good enough, not with a guy like that.

[11/18/03]

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