Sarah,

Your advice sucks! He loves me and I really love him.

We got engaged in September; are getting married in May 2007.
Because we were engaged, Joe called his cousin and asked if I could
come, and he said yes! So problem solved.

You sound like one of Joe’s sisters — the bitchy one.When Joe called
her about our engagement her first remark was, “Have you lost your
fucking mind?”

I think I’ll skip the TN pen and magnets. I’ll definitely get WAY better
stuff at showers.

Congratulations and good luck to you.

(Call me, Joe’s bitchy sister.)

Hi!

Great advice to Wannabe Traveler. May I add some things I learned from my first two trips to New York? I’m from Austin, so it was really a bit of culture shock to visit a more formal city. But it was great! I’m definitely going to visit again. (Shout-out to Carmine’s and Bukhara Grill!)

Find a chain hotel. It will probably be cheaper and you know it will be clean and relatively safe. I liked the Holiday Inn in Chinatown. It had great access to the subway lines, and was just a block from Canal St. It also felt like a pretty safe neighborhood when we walked back after dark. (On the other hand, I was always with one or two other people, so research other options that might be closer to where you’ll be most of the time.)

Blend in as much as possible, fashion-wise. (My friend gave me this advice before my first trip, and it really hit home during my second visit.) I wore simple, tailored slacks and blouses, usually in black or dark colors. A simple pair of black slacks and a button-down blouse are just as comfortable as jeans and a T-shirt for sightseeing, and you blend in better in restaurants and stores. (Nothing I wore was terribly fancy or expensive — most of my clothes come from Old Navy or Target.) My friend and I actually had some other tourists ask us for directions once in the subway because they thought we were locals!

Get comfortable walking shoes that go with everything. I would have died if I had tried to walk all over in my day-to-day shoes. We ended up doing a lot more walking than we thought we would, especially while sightseeing and shopping.

Carry a sturdy, zip-top purse that goes over your shoulder. Carry one a little bigger than your day-to-day purse at home, to hold the “extras” like brochures and souveniers. Make sure it has a zippered top, and that it fits securely under your arm. Carrying an open-top handbag or bucket bag, especially in “tourist-y” areas, is just asking for trouble.

Don’t make a lot of eye contact on the streets or in the subway. (I know, I know. It sounds totally paranoid.) But New York really is a more formal, closed city than I was used to. I didn’t realize how much we smile and make eye contact with strangers here in Austin until I visited NYC for the first time. And it’s not that it’s unfriendly, just more formal.

Sorry, that was longer than I meant it to be. Hope she has a great time! And tell her to call home once a day or so, in order to soothe her family’s fears. It seems like a bit of a hassle, but they’ll appreciate hearing she’s safe.

Keep up the great website! I love Tomato Nation!

C

Dear C,

Girl, ain’t you heard?My advice sucks!

Heh.Thanks for the kind words.Now, unfortunately, I have to disagree with a lot of your suggestions.

The best way to figure out how to navigate the city, just from a sort of metaphorical standpoint, is to come here and do it a time or two, and different things will work for different people…but with that said, this letter is the first time I’ve heard of anyone having a positive experience in a chain hotel in the city.If you do go with a chain, get eyewitness testimony from a friend who’s stayed there, because I have heard some horror stories.You’ll also have better luck just generally with hotels (including chain hotels) away from midtown and Times Square/Penn Station.Something in the twenties on the east side is going to be a little less roach-prone than a Days Inn on 45th Street.

As far as blending, fashion-wise, t-shirts and jeans are really your best bet.”Dressing up for the city” is pretty easy for the natives to spot; coming in from Jersey as kids, we used to do it and it was reeeeeally obvious.Just wear what you’d wear normally.We’re all wearing shit from the Gap and H&M ourselves, it’s not a big deal.

Walking shoes: yes yes yes.C is right on.And by “walking shoes” I mean “sneakers.”If you come from a place where everyone drives everywhere, you’re going to be really surprised by/blistered up after how much walking you do.Do not try to break in a new pair of boots; do not think your ballet flats that are so comfy for home are going to cut it.Get a cute pair of Pumas and break ’em in before you leave.

The purse thing is up to you.I’d carry a messenger bag or something you can sling across your body, but I do that anyway; it’s just more convenient.A backpack is a handy choice, but easy to pick in crowds.Carry something that’s roomy and easy to open and close quickly, and that you won’t be hiking up on your shoulder all day.

The eye contact thing…nobody’s going to notice that, really.We’re trying to get where we’re going, or we’re zoning out with our iPods; if you’re looking straight at us like we’re zoo animals (which I have seen a lot of tourists doing), we’re going to know you’re tourists, but honestly…most of us just really don’t care.We’re happy to give directions, we’re happy to recommend a restaurant in the neighborhood; mostly, we’re really friendly.But you can look at us all you want as long as you walk fast enough.This is the number-one tourist flag — that you’re poking along like you don’t know where you’re going.Which you may not, which is fine; just get over to the right, out of the way, and rock your map there.

But again, it’s actually not that important that you blend in, because the city is overrun with people from out of town all the time, especially at this time of year — we’re used to it, and it’s cool.We want you-all to come here and have a good time.We want people to visit and love it and feel like the city welcomed them.The best way to do that is not to overthink it; use common sense, trust your instincts, and just do your thing.We’re happy to have you if you’re walking fast enough (hee).

Hello, Sars:

Tuesday was my 22nd birthday. The pathetic part is that in 22 years on this earth, I have not made one single friend. Let me clarify a little: I do have some acquaintances and people that I say hello to when I pass them, or can tell certain things to that might interest them. By “friend,” I mean somebody who I hang out with after classes or work, someone I call on the phone or they call me, someone to shop with and watch TV shows. I have never in my life gone out on any night if the week with people my own age that I wasn’t related to…oh, except once I went out with the people at my internship.

A big problem is that I am not a very good conversationalist. I can never think of things to say, and even if I start a conversation, it usually just fizzles out. There are times when I like to be alone, times when I need to be alone, but not all of the time. You seem to have a lot of friends, so I was hoping that you might have some tips, sage advice, or even a kick in the butt that could help me out.
It would be much appreciated.

“Socially Awkward” Should Have Been My Middle Name, but It’s Really Elizabeth

Dear Liz,

The trouble is, it takes practice to socialize with people, and you can’t get that practice in without…practicing, and since you don’t have anyone to hang out with right now, not only is it hard to do that, but you’ve probably also developed kind of a mental block about it because you don’t have friends, so you think you don’t know how, so it’s hard for you to start conversations, blah blah blah vicious-cycle-cakes.

Remember what I told that letter-writer last week about doing an anthropology voice-over in social situations, just to loosen up a little?You could try that; try thinking of yourself as a misunderstood superhero or something.

Mostly, though, you just have to give yourself a break.Almost everyone is socially awkward; some of us cover it better than others, but…I mean, I can talk to and joke with almost anyone, but why do you think I do that?For the sheer love of making wisecracks?Because I do love a wisecrack, but mostly it goes back to skipping a grade and being younger than everyone else and doing a whole “hi, I’m funny, don’t beat me up” routine.Everyone’s just trying their best to make connections, so try not to get too down on yourself about it.Your friends are out there in the world; you just haven’t met them yet.

Just keep doing your best.Chat with people on the elevator at work.Compliment people’s shoes.Accept invitations; go to events.Act like you’re an awesome potential friend (which you are) and you have lots to say (which you do — you just aren’t quite comfortable doing it yet).Fake it ’til you make it.

I don’t know what you’re interested in or like to do outside of school or work, but maybe you could find and join some clubs related to those activities, or take classes, or whatever you feel like, but again, try not to get too into a rut with thinking that you’re not good friend material — that doesn’t help.You’ll get there.

Dear Sars,

A boy problem. How novel.

I just started college. I have never had a boyfriend. I never wanted to date anyone in my high school, they were
ridiculous. The first person I ever loved was completely unavailable; he’ll never even know the effect he had
upon me or my life. I did not receive much attention in high school, mostly because I was kind of a bitch to the
guys — because I didn’t like anyone. So, I got used to being single and being that kind of quirky girl everyone
knows and sometimes fears. The girl who doesn’t “need” a boyfriend.

I get to college. I absolutely love it: the freedom, the classes, the — boys. For all of a sudden, I am receiving an
unprecedented amount of boy attention. It’s been weird to deal with, but I like it.

Enter Boy. I met him two weeks into college, at a party. He was drunk, I was drunk, we only talked, I figured I’d
never see him again. He made contact about a week later. I was surprised, and asked him over. I told him I liked
him a couple of days later. He kissed me, we did things, we’ve been seeing each other for about two months. I
lost my virginity to him. He’s the first person I’ve cared about for a long time.

Problems? Well, for one thing, he never called me. I organized and initiated everything. I realized that he does
that because he doesn’t pursue anything — he barely calls his own mother. He doesn’t ask people to do things,
he waits for people to ask him. So he has a lot of nights at home — and while I’m wondering why, if I’m not
doing anything and he’s not doing anything, why aren’t we together, he doesn’t really mind being alone
although he may be thinking of me.

I wanted him to want to be with me. I wanted him to want a relationship, even if it wasn’t that traditional
boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Last night was the first night in three weeks we’d hung out for more than ten or so
minutes, and while he’s okay with that, I am just not. I am an emotional person and he is not; I need to see him to
know that he cares about me, he does not.

Anyway, he tried dropping me off after the movie last night, no sex. I got annoyed and didn’t understand, which
led to the talk of DOOM DOOM DOOM. The result of said talk?

1) He doesn’t want a girlfriend. Very clear. He’s never had one, it’s a decision he’s made to not have one. He
says I’ve come the closest, but he doesn’t want a girlfriend, in name or just in practice. Something about
obligations, responsibility blah blah fishcakes. He doesn’t think he can live up to it, and he doesn’t want to have
to call me to reassure me because that’s not part of his personality. He views that as an obligation he doesn’t
want to live up to, for fear of disappointing me.

2) He cares about me, Sars. Wayyyy more than I ever thought or expected him to. I never thought someone so
attractive would care about someone like me. I did not expect the torrent of real, honest feeling he expressed
to me last night.

3) He has some issues. He says he can “take or leave” sex, because it involves bodies and he is weirded out by
that. He doesn’t like sweating, flesh, hair, et cetera. It’s the kind of thing that makes me think he needs therapy. But
he’ll never seek it, and it makes me want to work him through it. I know that’s stupid. Anyway, the thing is that
he separates emotions and physicality. Whereas my kissing, handholding, having sex with him is an extension
of my emotional attachment to him, his emotions and his physical attraction to me are two separate things. He
says he could stop having sex with me and have the same feelings for me. I can’t do that.

4) He doesn’t want to lose me. He wants to keep seeing me. He wants to ease off on the physical aspect of it
because he thinks that’s what’s causing my expectations of him. Not true — what’s causing the expectations is
the whole deal. It’s the feelings I have for him. If he wants me to keep caring about him the way that I do now, I
know that I can’t do that without also having physical relations with him. He can’t understand that, and I guess
he won’t.

Basically, though, he wants to keep seeing me. I know that I still have feelings for him and that he still has
feelings for me. He is exclusive but doesn’t mind if I am not. I told him to give me a week to process all this and
that he needs to call me and put forth the effort to see me this weekend, otherwise I’m going to write him off.

It would be so much easier if I could just say that he doesn’t have feelings for me! But he does.

I guess my questions are: Should I continue to see him? Should I just stop seeing him and lose someone that I
really care about? Should I help him work through whatever issues he has? Should I fight for him/wait for him
to want this relationship? And a deeper part of my own psychology — how do I deal with it if I stop seeing him?
Are men ever going to want to have a relationship with me or are they just going to be weird like him? I could
love him, I really could, I just wish he would let me.

Thanks, much appreciated,
I, Freshmanius

Dear Frosh,

Oh, honey.Dump him and run away.This is not going to go anywhere good, and I’ll tell you why.(But keep in mind that my advice sucks!)(Hee.)

He doesn’t want a relationship; he doesn’t want sex.If you choose to continue involving yourself with him, and he’s already told you right up front that he’s not prepared to make any effort, that just lets him off the hook — so there you are, having all these feelings, wanting more, and he can just shrug all, “Well, like I told you, that’s not happening, so whatever.”And I hate to tell you, but…that isn’t “caring about you.”That’s “caring about” himself, first and foremost.

And then there’s this: “I never thought someone so
attractive would care about someone like me.”…What?So, what, he’s hot so you have to put up with his fucked-up crap?No.No, no, no.No, do not “help him” with his issues; he doesn’t want your help and you’re not qualified to provide it in the second place.No, do not “wait for him to want” the relationship; waste of time.Of course a normal guy who is interested in you without a whole bunch of pathology is going to want to have a relationship with you — but this guy is not that guy, and he’s not going to be any time soon.

It sucks.It hurts.You have these feelings and they can’t go anywhere.But you have to accept that and start moving forward, away from this guy who can’t give you what you need or any of the love you deserve.He can’t.Why he can’t doesn’t matter; the fact that he has feelings but neurotically refuses to act on them is what matters, and it is a fact, and you have to enter it into evidence and cut him loose, or it’s just going to mess with your head and make you think this is all you deserve.And it isn’t.You’re a freshman; you’re at a college full of boys.Pick yourself out another one, because this one’s broken.

Dearest Sars,

This is not about a boy, friend, or cat. It is about a
coat.

A few years ago, my mother bought me this gorgeous
suede jacket for Christmas. It cost a lot of money,
and is my favorite jacket. I’m usually very careful
about it (it never goes out to parties, it’s one of
the few things I actually hang up) but a few weeks ago
I noticed that a stain had gotten on the sleeve.

It looks like tomato sauce or something else that is
chunky. You can pick it off in spots, but for the most
part this is a stain that has set in. And it’s very
noticeable. I called the local dry cleaners and found
out that it would cost seventy dollars to clean.

Now, I’m in college. And pretty much broke. I have a
job I work at on vacations, but during the semester, I
live off of my savings, and that’s not a lot. So
paying seventy dollars to clean a coat is not an
option. Is there a cheaper way to clean a suede
jacket?

Signed,
It’s way too cold to be without this coat

Dear Cold,

Hmm.Let’s see if I can find that How to Clean Anything book Consumer Reports sent me…okay, according to this, there really isn’t, especially if it’s a grease-based stain, which based on what you’ve said it probably is (if it’s tomato sauce, for example, the tomato part is what you can pick off with a fingernail, but the grease/oil in the sauce has soaked in and only a pro can get that out).

Let’s see what Google has to offer….Okay, I found this: “My husband once got a fat stain on his favorite suede vest, which refused to come out with professional dry cleaning. Since he couldn’t wear it anyway, I decided that I had nothing to lose by experimenting. (The cornstarch did not work here!) I dabbed the CitraSolve on with a cotton swab and immediately pulled it out with a paper towel and a hot steam iron. This evaporated the CitraSolve — apparantly with the oil stain! To my utter amazement, there was not even any residual stain or ring from the CitraSolve!”I can’t vouch for this, but it seemed to work for that lady.

Then, randomly, the Winn-Dixie site suggested this: “Stains on leather or suede? Use club soda and an old toothbrush, rubbing the stain back and forth.”

You can Google “sauce stain suede” and come up with similar results, but if you’re scared to experiment, maybe you should call around to other cleaners or leather-repair places; seventy dollars seems a little steep to me.See if you can’t get a more competitive price.

[11/18/05]

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