Hi Sars,

I apologize for the yuckiness of this letter in advance, but I’m writing for your advice because I honestly believe that you’re the best person to ask this question of. I’ve got a stinky, stinky cat problem.

I’ve got a seven-year-old cat. (It’s not like he can read this, but let’s call him “Wally.”)Wally used to be a hefty cat of truly Brando-esque proportions, and during that time period, we began to notice a slight…Tootsie Roll problem. We figured, “Damn. Wally’s gotten too fat to wash properly.”So we put him on the lite food, measured his portions, and instituted daily play sessions. Now Wally has slimmed down, though his natural adult shape appears to be solid and barrel-chesty, so he’s still kind of a moose.

Well, the…uh…problem has continued unabated, and I really don’t know what to do about it. Sorry to be graphic, here, but these aren’t your standard dingleberries that you can just pull off with a piece of tissue and chuck in the john. Wally’s fur is kind of thick and tufty, so it’s more like these crusty little…smears, lying in wait, hidden in the fur like mini poop bombs that unpleasantly surprise us when he jumps up onto a lap for a pattin’. It’s getting so that I’m kinda nonplussed about the idea of having him on my lap or whatever, which is a damn shame because he’s a total luv-monster, and rebuffing him makes him whiny and moody.

What do I do? The cat is young and in great health, and I can’t figure out why any self-respecting cat would just stop washing his butt. I’m embarrassed to go to a groomer, especially since when the furry, spiky bowling ball freaks out, he can do some DAMAGE. And Wally and I had a haircutting mishap once, so he climbs into the box spring to hide if I so much as come near him with scissors or clippers. I’m afraid forcibly restraining him and washing his ass would be such an affront to his dignity that he’d never forgive me. And I realize that this is an absolutely pathetic problem to be writing about, but it’s kinda cutting into my happy cat time, and that just ain’t no good.

What would you do? (And I’m fully aware that my cat has me kinda whipped, so if you suggest something that I’ve said earlier I don’t wanna do, well, I’ll give it a shot. Friends don’t let friends wear poop pants.)

Signed,
They Call Him “Ass Dreads”

Dear Dread,

If anyone ever tops that alias, I’ll eat my hat.

On to the actual problem.Your first step is to haul Brown Britches to the vet — or you could just call over there, if you like — and explain the problem; ask her if you think there’s any way to solve the problem behaviorally.If she has a strategy for re-teaching the cat to lick his bum, great.If not, wangle a prescription for sedatives out of her, throw one down his throat, bring him to a groomer, and order a close clip.It’s like when you get a pedicure; they’ve always seen worse.Just leave a big tip.

Hi Sars.

The key players in this are myself, Co-Worker, and Boss.Co-Worker is on
the same level as I am; Boss is our immediate supervisor.They’re both
quite stupid, but that’s okay.They leave me alone for the most part, and
they aren’t intentionally antagonistic.However, I want Boss’s job, and I
know I could do it better than she does.I’m more qualified and more
talented, but she has been there for 600 years.

In a meeting of just the three of us, Co-Worker divulged something that she
is doing that is unethical, and technically illegal.Not BIG illegal, not
Martha Stewart illegal.Nevertheless, Boss said, “I won’t tell if you
won’t,” and they both laughed.There is no way that anyone besides the
three of us could know about this.

I know for a fact that Higher-Up doesn’t much care for the way that Boss
does her job, and I have a good rapport with Higher-Up.But, if I ran
tattling, I don’t think it would acomplish anything.Boss wouldn’t get
fired for this; she would just be told to correct the problem.Then, Boss
and Co-Worker would never be able to trust me again, and we have jobs where
it’s important that we all work well together.

I’ve asked my friends about this, and they all say that I have nothing to
gain and everything to lose by ratting them out.That is quite possibly
true, but it still bugs me.I don’t think that people in my job should
break the law, nor do I think it should be encouraged by our bosses.I have
a very important bit of information here, but apparently, nothing to do with
it.Is there anything I can do (short of blackmail, not my style) to use
this to my advantage in any way?

Would-be Iago

Dear Iago,

You have to figure two things out: what you want to get out of ratting Co-Worker out, and how likely it is that you’ll get it.

What you want, if I understand correctly, is two-fold — to see justice meted out to Co-Worker, and for that justice to reflect up to Boss so that she gets shit-canned and you take her job.But you’ve already said that you don’t think it would shake out like that, so, job-wise, no, you’ve got nothing to gain by telling.

But if you know about illegal activity and you don’t report it, that could work against you too.Because office politicking works the way it does, you’ll most likely wind up hoisted on your own petard, but I think there’s a way to execute it that lets you do the right thing legally speaking and still have an outside shot at rousting Boss from the corner office.

Ask for a meeting with Boss.Mention the “I won’t tell if you won’t” conversation and tell her you don’t feel comfortable knowing about it; say in a tone dripping with regret that if she doesn’t address it, you will have to ask Higher-Up to have a look at the situation.I can’t predict how Boss will react, but regardless of how she responds, go to personnel immediately after you speak to her and document everything.If she doesn’t take steps to rein in Co-Worker, blow the whistle on them both to Higher-Up.Employ the regretful tone again as you make it crystal-clear that you asked Boss to deal with it, and she failed to.Ideally, Higher-Up will respect your ethics and your mature handling of the situation, punt the other two, and install you as the New Boss.

It’s probably not going to work, mind you…but it might, and the strategy I’ve outlined is really the only way to behave ethically while still applying effective pressure to get rid of Boss.Threatening or blackmailing her won’t do it; neither will going over her head initially.It’s not about Machiavellianism.It’s about protecting yourself and your work record from liability.

What’s probably going to happen?Boss will snit at you for a few minutes, correct Co-Worker, and try to force you out after it’s all over.You should get another job if you can anyway — these people sound like schmucks, and you have no realistic prospects for smooth advancement — but you’ll have done the right thing regarding both the shady behavior of Co-Worker and your own career.

Hey Sars,

I was
inspired in part by Caught in the Middle’s letter ’cause
we’re both seeing older people, although the gap in my
situation is a mere eleven years. Go, Caught!

So I’ve been seeing this guy since like the beginning
of October, right? Things have been going all right so
far, and I’m generally okay with how we’ve been
progressing, although it would be really great if we
“progressed” to a closer level so things won’t seem so
uncertain, as they are now.

But my main grouse is this: It has seemed to me, for
at least the past week, that I’ve had to actively
think of things to say to him when we talk on the
phone, where previously the conversation just flowed.
There were quite a few instances that he actually told
me that “he’d run out of things to say,” and I
naturally got really weirded out.

WHO tells someone else that they’ve run out of things
to say? It’s like I’m no longer interesting, or that
we’ve drifted so far apart that conversations have to
be planned out in advance to keep them going. It’s not
supposed to happen, not after one month! Right?

The big shocker came once when, after a strange
silence of unusual length, I asked why he tended to
stop talking after a while, leaving me gabbing away.
And he said this: “Hmm. Well, maybe we should have
shorter, quality phone calls.” Which basically fired
ALL the neurons in my head, getting me all jittery and
nervous. I was just about to embark on my dissertation
on the importance of talking/conversation when his
roomie got an incoming call and he had to pass the
phone over.

So now I’m left hanging. Doesn’t he want to talk
anymore? He’s normally quite chatty and verbose,
although not as much as me. I don’t know if this is a
valid source of angst/worry, but it sure is bugging
me, in addition to other him-related issues. I’m quite
sure he doesn’t feel any of the above “craziness,”
which launches me into the “why isn’t he blah blah blah”
train of thought, but that’s not relevant or
constructive.

I’m just getting very concerned about the way this
“arrangement” is going, and I really like this
non-platonic male companion of mine, and it’s a mutual
thing, so I’m extremely unwilling to let something as
mundane as flagging conversation get in my way.

So Sars, is this just a bad time, where we’re both
stressed out by our individual lives? Or an indicator
of how this is going to end up? Am I reading too much
into this? I’d really like to hear what you have to
say.

Tired of being gabby

Dear Gab,

It depends on what you want out of the relationship.I could not enter into anything serious with a man I had to struggle to talk to, so I wouldn’t call conversation “mundane” by any means, and it sounds like you wouldn’t either, not really.Awkward silences say a lot in their own way.You have different conversational styles, and it’s already causing you aggro (and as you say, that’s not the only aggro you’ve got with him), so if it’s a long-term partner you want, it sounds to me like Silent Bob isn’t the guy.

But if you just want nookage, or a boy to hold onto when it’s cold out, the talking issue isn’t really an issue.Accept that he’s not as chatty as you, and leave it alone.

Another thing to keep in mind — a lot of people don’t do well with the phone.It’s not that they have nothing to say; they just don’t dig that medium for talking for whatever reason.If you think that’s maybe the problem, ease up on the telephone convos for a few weeks and concentrate on how your in-person interactions are going.

[11/19/02]

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