I have a confession: I’m afraid of fish.I blame my parents and all the nasty processed fishsticks they tried to feed me when I was a kid.

I’m trying to eat healthier and I’ve read all those articles about omega-3 oils and I want to eat fish, but I’m really picky about it.I love shellfish and fish and chips at a good Irish pub and sushi of course, but I don’t like a fishy taste.As a result, I don’t know which fish are more mild in flavor, and then how to pick them and then the best way to cook them.I had orange roughy once and that was yummy, but I’m still scared.Could you give me some pointers?

Thank you so much!

Kimberly

Dear Kimberly:

Unburden yourself, my child, for I too used to be afraid of fish. But, like you, I wanted to take in all that brain food and good-cholesterol-raising, bad-cholesterol-lowering omega-3 fatty acids. To my delight, I discovered a whole school of fish that wasn’t the least bit “fishy-tasting.”

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

Salmon is ubiquitous and can be very good, but because salmon is an oilier fish, you do run the risk of getting your mouth around a steak or fillet whose taste you might find objectionable. Although I will concede that Pacific King or Chinook salmon are unparalleled for their deliciously fresh and mild flavor. However, if you’re ready to swim against the current and vary your palate, firm, white-fleshed fish is the way to go. In restaurants and markets, look for sole, cod, halibut, mahi-mahi, sea bass, striped bass, tilapia, tuna, or monkfish — these fish all have a very delicate flavor — and steer clear of bluefish, tilefish, shark, mackerel, butterfish, and pompano, which are much oilier and have a stronger fishy flavor as a result.

If you are partial to shellfish, shrimp are very good for their low cholesterol, low calorie count, and omega-3s. The best part is, they are the only fish/shellfish whose quality doesn’t suffer from being frozen, so feel free to buy those large bags in your frozen section and grill them up to your heart-healthy content.

Be Choosy

Go to a reputable fishmonger or fish counter. Ask to smell the fish before you consent to buy it. It should smell like the sea — fresh with a hint of saltwater tang, and not at all fishy. If it smells fishy, it’s not fresh. Don’t buy anything wrapped in plastic — you will never truly know how fresh it is. Don’t buy anything that has crystals or little pools of water around it — that implies that it has been frozen, and frozen fish is bad fish. Make sure you buy steaks or fillets so you don’t have to fuss around with scaling, gutting, or trimming. Unless, of course, you like all that mess. I don’t.

So Many Ways to Cook, So Little Time

Fish can be steamed, grilled, poached, baked, fried, or braised. They can be anglaised, sautéed, or wrapped in pastry, but no matter what you do to them, the cooking time depends on the thickness of the fish. A good rule of thumb is to estimate ten minutes per inch, measured at the fish’s thickest part. To be perfectly safe, fish should reach an internal temperature of 140 degrees, but many people like it at 130-135. Have a calibrated thermometer on hand to poke in the thickest part of the fillet or steak to be completely sure.

When you steam fish, it retains most of its natural flavor, and you don’t run the risk of drying it out. The liquid medium is usually water brought to a rolling boil, and aromatics like herbs, onions, garlic, or ginger can be added directly to the medium. The fish should be suspended above the medium in a basket that has been coated in oil to prevent sticking, and the whole shebang should be covered with a tight-fitting lid. A bamboo steam basket is a great thing to have for this, as you can make a bed of aromatics and put the fish on top of that. Then the fish is steamed through the aromatics — very tasty with tons of flavor.

Poaching is simply submerging the fillets or steaks in a flavored medium that is always kept at a bare tremble. In temperature-speak, a “bare tremble” is 175 degrees. Don’t let it boil, or the delicate flesh of the fish will be destroyed and the fish will overcook. The most commonly used medium is a “court bouillon,” which is a diced onion, a diced carrot, a diced leek, a diced celery stalk, six cups of water, two cups dry white or red wine, five peppercorns, salt, thyme, parsley stems, and a bay leaf. Again, apply the ten minutes per inch when measured at the thickest part of the fish.

I find that baking or grilling is the least fussy. If you’re grilling, get the grill very, very hot and rub the fish fillet or steak with some olive oil before plopping it on. Obviously, thinner filets — like sole– will cook much faster than the rule of thumb.

When baking, putting the fish in a 425-degree oven for eight to ten minutes should do the trick. There’s a delicious way of “dry poaching” fish in the oven when it’s all wrapped up in a neat little package. Get a piece of parchment paper large enough to wrap around a single fillet and smear it all over with butter. Season your fillet or steak on both sides with a pinch of salt and pepper, and lay the fish in the middle of the buttered parchment paper. Throw about 1/4 cup diced plum tomatoes and half a finely diced small red onion on top of the fish. Lay some thyme or rosemary sprigs on there as well. Fold the parchment paper around the fish and crimp up the ends to seal it; use straight pins for further security. Put the package in a backing dish and shove the whole thing into a pre-heated, 425-degree oven and bake for eight to ten minutes. Serve the fish with the onions and tomatoes piled on top. This is called en papillote. Fancy-schmancy, oui?

There is no doubt that omega-3 fatty acids are extremely good for you, but because of the potentially high mercury content, you shouldn’t go overboard on the fish. New information is finally coming to light about the mercury content of fish, and studies are ongoing to educate the public better. As it stands now, certain fish can be quite dangerous for women who ever plan on getting pregnant, because the level of mercury could sterilize them. What I’ve read shows that swordfish is the most dangerous and should only be eaten once every other month. The fish with the next highest mercury content are tilefish, shark, halibut, mackerel, and tuna and it’s recommended that those types be eaten once a month or less. Mahi-mahi, sole, cod, salmon, and shellfish (scallops, oysters, mussels, shrimp, and king crab) contain the least mercury.

Hey Sars,

Not much of a dilemma, but something that’s been bugging me for a while now, and I thought I’d ask your opinion on how to handle it.

I have a friend who, last year, landed her dream job as a staff member for a fairly high-profile politician.The pay is lousy, but it is what she wanted to do and she is loving every minute of it. She got this position with very little experience and no education in the field and is justifiably proud of herself. Heck, I’m so proud of her I could spit.

The problem is that this new job has created a monster.Since she started working for Very Important Political Guy (VIPG), work-related stuff is pretty much all she talks about. At first, I understood — hey, she just got this job, its a really big deal for her, she’s excited…she’ll settle into it and I won’t have to spend so much time listening to the ins and outs of her day.But it hasn’t stopped.If anything, its gotten worse.

She is constantly going to schmooze-fests and parties and galas, and proceeds to tell me in excruciating detail who was there, what they said to her, what she said to them…basically a play-by-play of the entire event.She also insists on going on and on about the perks of her job – her fancy cell phone, palm pilot, office with a couch and an assistant.It seems like no matter how much I smile and say, “Wow, that’s so cool,” and try to change the subject, she just swings it back to her favourite topic.

As I said, VIPG is pretty high-profile, so he is in the news a lot. She continuously makes comments about how in the know she is, and how she’s working on all this important stuff that makes the news…basically never missing an opportunity to point out how that, by working for VIPG, she is by association a Very Important Politico herself.Which, sure, she is, and yay for her, but I know that already…why keep bringing it up? Drives. Me. Insane.

And probably the worst part is that she insists on telling me all about her work. It;s gotten so that I don’t ask if she’s busy, or how her day was, or say anything that will let her segue into telling me about the minutia of her day.That doesn’t stop her — she just tells me anyway.I mean, I’m a software geek with very little interest in politics (outside of informing myself well enough to know who to vote for come election day, of course). I don’t need to hear all about her portfolios and platform statements and dossiers, any more than she needs to hear about what module I’m coding at the moment or that damn bean I just can’t get to compile. The difference? I don’t tell her about what I do, because I know it would be boring for her to listen to, whereas she can’t seem to stop.

I know she’s excited by her job, and justifiably a bit thrilled that she’s working for such a high-profile guy, and wants her friends to know what an exciting job she has…but how do I tell her that I GET IT. She is a Very Important Politico working for a VIPG working with Very Important Political Issues and she hobnobs with other Very Important Political People. Yippee! Can we go have a beer and a gossip and talk about boys again now?

Please don’t think I’m jealous of her position or her hobnobbing or her free cell phone…I’m not. I’m truly happy that she’s found something she obviously thrives on.It’s just that she sounds so pompous and self-important most of the time now that it’s getting really hard to be around her, and I miss my friend.

Missing My Gal-Pal

Dear Miss,

The next time she starts in on her litany of VIP-ness, interrupt her at an appropriate time and change the subject.If (or, rather, when) she pulls the conversation back around to her work, interrupt her again and point out to her that she always does that — and not to take away from her happiness about the job, you’re proud of her and everything, but you feel like an audience.You never get to talk about your job, or about things you have an actual opinion on or knowledge about; you never get to talk.Point out that you do want to hear about how she’s doing and what she’s up to at work — sometimes, but not all the time.Sometimes, you want to contribute to the conversation, and she’s not letting you.

Telling another person that she talks too much, or about things that bore you, is one of the most difficult things to phrase tactfully, but it’s better that she hear it directly.

Dear Sars,

This is more of a question for Miss Manners, I guess, but I’m hoping you
know enough about etiquette to advise me on this matter.

I am the maid of honor in an upcoming wedding, and so I have the
responsibility of hosting a wedding shower.The couple in question have
limited resources and are planning a small, intimate wedding for only
immediate family and a few close friends.My question is, is it rude to
invite people to the shower who will not be invited to the wedding?The way
I understand it, the original purpose of a wedding shower is for all the
bride’s female friends to gather for a nice meal, do the girl-bonding thing,
and wish the bride well as she enters the next stage of her life.I would
love to invite all of her/our friends to participate.

However, the word
“shower” has come to mean “bring a gift,” and I’m worried that people will
feel that gifts are expected, will bring a gift, and will then feel cheated
when they don’t receive an invitation to the wedding.The way I see it, I
can either invite only the women who are invited to the wedding, or invite
everyone and risk showing incorrect etiquette.Or perhaps I could find a
way to word the invitation so that people would know that gifts are not
required?Or that this is going to be more of a cook-out than a traditional
shower?

Any advice is appreciated.

Maid of Honor

Dear Maid,

Generally speaking, only people who are also invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower (and close friends and family should be invited even if they can’t make it to the wedding).The problem here is that, in your case, that chops the guest list down to, like, four people — and also, you’ve got the “gifts not required” element.

I think the best workaround here is not to call it a shower at all.Call it a celebration dinner or a pre-wedding party instead, but if you don’t call it a shower, that opens up the guest list for you, as well as taking the guests off the hook for gifts (many people would see an invitation with the word “shower” on it and assume they have to provide a present).Friends of mine who got married at City Hall, or very quietly out of town, had dinners out arranged for them by their attendants beforehand, and the events felt much less formal and etiquette-bound — I wasn’t invited to those weddings, but it certainly wasn’t “improper” for me to go to a restaurant and raise a toast to the happy couple, or to bring a gift that wasn’t on the registry or whatever.

Talk it over with the bride and see how she feels about just calling it something else.

Hello Sars–

I have a problem and of course would like a magic solution to materialize out of thin air, but I know if nothing else you’ll be able to offer an objective and helpful viewpoint on it.

I love my boyfriend dearly.He is just the most fabulous, wonderful, kind and amazing person I know.All of my friends and family who see us together agree that we are made for each other, and I’ve never been happier in my life.He is my kindred spirit in every way as far as sense of humor, intellect and personality go.We’ve been together a little less than two great years, but lately things have gone south.

The thing is, he has not worked in three months.We are both 25 years old and I find this hard to take, not to mention a really bad indicator as far as the future is concerned.I know this is the guy I want to marry, and I would appreciate the idea of having a more secure future with him.Before this three-month, uh, hiatus from work he had a crappy retail job, but at least he was going to work every day and supporting himself.He is a freelance artist and is very talented (granted, I am probably a little biased), but needs a day job to supplement this.Now he has moved back in with his parents — he assured me it was to get a better job and to save money to go back to school (he needs just one more year to get his BA, and left school for many complicated, but valid reasons I won’t get into here) — but this hasn’t happened and he still isn’t working.

I grew up in a very middle-class home and I am not in the least materialistic — well, so I hope.I’m not angry because he can’t buy me nice things or spoil me, it’s not like that, but I consider it a fundamental character flaw to be such a bum about work.Am I a jerk for being so upset about this?We have been fighting a LOT lately, when we used to be the most harmonious couple imaginable — mostly spurred by me, because I am starting to feel a lot of resentment and frustration.I guess we just never had anything to fight about before this.We used to have an amazing love life, but since all of this has been going on I have little desire for sex.This is just poisoning everything for me, because in my mind it determines our future together, yet the thought of losing him is devastating.I really am not old-fashioned or eager to get married, but it sucks that I finally met who would be the love of my life, yet there’s this b.s. in the way.

I hate feeling this way towards someone I love so much, but I am at my wit’s end.After yet another fight the other night, he started cryng and told me he has been very miserable and depressed because he feels like I’m going to break up with him and he’ll lose his soulmate, all over “a job.”I guess I have been really hostile about it.I recently started a great new job which I worked hard to get and am starting grad school in a few months, and I would like to see some similar effort from him.I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety and sadness because I know that if he can not prove himself to me in this way, I don’t know what hope there is for a future for us.

I essentially gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago, and he claims he has been frantically looking for work, but no interviews in this amount of time doesn’t indicate to me that he has been trying very hard (he is fluently bilingual in English and Spanish, which I would think would be a great plus).And it’s not like he’s looking for something in a really specialized field; at this point, anything will do! Also, I feel like if he loves me as much as he says, he would do this for me (and needless to say for himself).He wants to finish school and get a job worthy of his talent and intelligence, so I understand his frustration with working the crappy jobs he has been, but he can’t get back in school without money, and one needs to work in order to earn it!

I have never loved anyone so much or been so crazy about any guy — otherwise, I would just realize this strain wasn’t worth it and move on.But I know we have something really special, and this is killing me.Basically, from what I’ve told you, what do you think?Do you think he’ll change or that this is just the way he is?This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever dealt with, and while I don’t want to lose someone I love more than anything, I can’t live like this.My friends really love him so I don’t think they are able to give me unbiased advice on this, and it’s not something I like discussing with my family (I know they are judging him negatively on it).I have agonized about it so much I think my head may explode.Any words of wisdom you have are very much appreciated.Thank you so much.

Cheerless in Chi-town

Dear Cheer,

“I feel like if he loves me as much as he says, he would do this for me”?Do…what, exactly?Get a job?Or go along with what you want?What bothers you more, that he isn’t working or that your bossing him isn’t working?

You can’t change people, and “if you love me, you’ll blah blah” is not a good way to get around that rule.It makes people feel manipulated, and rightly so, which they resent, rightly so again, so take a biiiiig step back from the situation and ask yourself what you want out of it — what you really want to happen.

Because if he’s fundamentally unmotivated and/or doesn’t share your feelings about the importance of working, okay, it’s a valid thing to take issue with, but like I said, you can’t change it.You’ll have to decide if you can let it go and trust him to make decisions like a grown-up, or if it’s too big an incompatibility for you to live with long-term.But before you do that, I think you have to talk to him about your concerns, and I think you have to really listen to his responses and not jump to judgment so quickly.Don’t sit there thinking to yourself, “Mmm hmm, more excuses.”Hear what he’s saying.Try to see it from his side.The way you talk about him, it’s like you think he moved back in with his parents and didn’t get any interviews just to spite you; that attitude probably isn’t helping.

Ease up for a little while and think about why it’s so important that he “prove himself to you in this way.”I mean, “prove himself”?He’s not your employee; he’s your boyfriend.If it’s that important to you that he get a job right now this minute, you’d better break up with him, but if you really love the guy, focus on why you love him and try to have a little faith in him to right his ship in his own time.

I LOVE your site, your advice rocks.

Here’s the thing: I finally got out of a relationship
with Señor Estupido.He lied, he cheated, blah blah
and-after-all-I-did-for-him fishcakes. There was much
“Why did I let him TREAT me like that??” wailing on my
part, but I’m doing a lot better now.I totally
believe I deserve much better, he was lucky to have me
as long as he did, I know he’ll regret losing me, but
I’m happier just not thinking about him at all.

Hence the problem.

I told him at the end that I did NOT want to be
friends, I want him out of my life, and he’s not to
contact me.He said fine, but I’ve had friends tell
me that once he realizes what he’s lost, he’ll be
pestering me again.

My friends are ALWAYS right, by the way.

One month later I get a little email from him that
just says, “I miss you,” and attached is his newest
painting.It’s the same ole schlock he’s been
churning out for years, only this one is a depiction
of “Aquarius” (his sign) and it looks like a guy underwater.Ugh, I think.Spare me the implied meanings.
I do NOT reply.I deleted the whole thing, attachment
and all.

In past Vines you’ve said that sometimes
it’s better to NOT block someone’s email, because
blocking is in itself is a kind of reply, and gives
them some of the attention they’re going for.Plus, I
found out way too late that one of his endearing
habits is to create Yahoo or Hotmail accounts for
fictional friends or family, and use them for
misinformation purposes.Yeah, a real winner.So if
I blocked him, and he was REALLY determined, he’d
either create a new account or (God forbid) call me at
work.I feel like absolutely no response sent just
the message I wanted.

So, I’m in San Diego, and you know, the fires and all.
But I’m completely safe, I’m not anywhere near the
dangerous areas, thank goodness.But I got into work
one morning, and in with all the other emails from
family and friends was an email from Señor Estupido.
He says, “I know you don’t want anything to do with
me, and that’s fine, I just wanted to know that you’re
okay, please.”

Aww, right?How sweet, how touching.You have no
idea the manipulation this guy’s capable of.I’m very
confident that he knows that I’m just fine (mutual
friends would’ve let him know) and this is another
stab at keeping in touch, hoping one day I’ll be the
backup girlfriend he always needed.

But I did respond.Four words: “I’m fine, be safe.”
That’s it.If he emails again, it’s going in the
round file unanswered.Yeah, I know, that sounds
pretty weak when I answered this one, but San Diego is
one damn freaky place lately, so I gave him the
benefit of the doubt. This. One. Time.

Should I block his email address anyway?Both times
that he’s emailed, my emotional state afterwards was
“unnerved.”I was one big emotional scar when I got
out of the relationship, and every day is an exercise
in unbrainwashing myself.I’m really starting to like
who I am, more than I have in years, and that’s why I
can’t have ANYTHING to do with the guy.No way will I
let someone do that to me again.

But what if I’m kidding myself?What if I’m not
blocking his email so I can see him suffer?I’ll
never go back, but both emails have had this air of
begging about them that sooths my ego.Even my
not replying has a vindictive quality about it: “Ha HA,
take THAT, worm, I ignoooooore you.”

Mostly I’m giving him as little thought as possible,
staying out of relationships ’til I get my brain
straightened out, and figuring out that, dammit, I’m a
LOT cooler than I’d always thought. I’m pretty sure
that even if he does email again, once he realizes
that I’m not having any of it, he’ll quit.

But.My judgment (obviously) is a little suspect.
Would blocking his email be better, or would that
possibly spur him into trying to contact me in other
ways?

Go ahead and give me a kick in the ass for replying to
the fire email, I’ve got it coming, but other than
that, what do you think?

Doing MUCH Better Now, Thankyouverymuch

Dear Better,

The fire email is in bounds.After September 11th, I phoned an estranged friend to make sure he’d come through it okay; we hadn’t spoken in nearly a year.We had a brief chat, checked each other okay, and went back to not speaking for another year.I know, right?Ridiculous.We’re over it now, but the point is that at a time like that, you can bend the usual rules of engagement.

But now that everyone knows everyone else is all right, what to do?I think you should do whatever minimizes your exposure to him, and not give a shit what conclusions he draws from it.It seems like the main thing preventing you from blocking his email is the idea that he’ll think you haven’t gotten over it, which makes you feel stupid and blah dee blah, but really, who cares what he thinks?If you don’t want to see his name in your inbox, block him, and if he wants to go around all “Better is still all torn up inside about me,” let him.Anyone whose opinion matters to you is just going to roll their eyes at that crap.

He knows you didn’t want any contact.If he won’t observe that, enforce it yourself.He can whine about it all he wants, but he made that bed and he can lie in it.

[11/19/03]

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