Oh, wise and whimsical Sars,

I hope the heat/hot water issue is resolved soon; nice of the problem to make an appearance at the beginning of winter, eh?

Well, you’ve started it now.Your TN contest inspired me to finally put feet to the idea of doing a charity exchange instead of a gift exchange at Christmas.I mean, my husband and I are up to our armpits in stuff that we don’t need, and my husband is a tall guy.So, rather than clear out space for another neat-but-impractical kitchen gadget on the top of my fridge, I proposed the charity idea to my family.They weren’t as ecstatic as I’d hoped, but my sister took the cake.She responded by saying, “You know we’re going to get you stuff, don’t you?Besides, we already donate to charity — $30 a year to the Spina Bifida Association and Children’s Hospital [her son has SB and thus makes frequent trips to Children’s for various reasons].And anyway, why would I want to give money to a charity that isn’t going to benefit me somehow?”Why?Why?Because it’s, um, a charity?And it’s not all about you?

So, I know you can’t dictate the gift you get — I can’t make her donate to charity if she doesn’t want to (though, really, do I need another hard-boiled egg desheller?Do I ever even boil eggs, hard or otherwise?), but what about the gift I give?If I give $100 to Children’s Hospital in her name, she’ll be pissed for months.But — I hate gift shopping.I suck at it.Totally.I spend hours, days, weeks crawling through crowded malls on my hands and knees and eventually end up crying in the fetal position in the hosiery department before I go home and crochet an originally designed blanket that’s met with a mediocre smile at best.I know the gift is about the recipient, but she won’t be happy either way unless I spend hundreds of dollars (that I don’t have) on jewelry.

What do you think?Fight the crowds or help the kids?

Signed,
Merry Christmas! I got you a Webster’s so you can find the meaning of “charity”

Dear Merry,

“Um,” it’s not all about you either.I think you’re being unnecessarily self-congratulatory about your own charitable instincts, if you want to know the truth.It sounds to me like you’re more interested in 1) finding an excuse not to deal with the mall (ever heard of online retailers?) and 2) sticking it to your sister, who’s bossy and hard to please and never gets you the gifts you want either.

“But –“Yeah, yeah.You didn’t mean it like that.I know.But your sister has a point; if it’s not a charity with meaning to her, it isn’t, and your giving a gift to a charity she doesn’t support, in her name, is still more about you than it is about her.

Giving gifts in people’s names is a wonderful idea, and I don’t mean to discourage you, but it’s not all that different from buying your sister a book you really liked — did you buy it because you know she likes that author, or because you do?Save the charity gifts for people who will really appreciate it; make sure those gifts have meaning for them, and not just for you; everyone else, Amazon.com gift certificates if you’re too frail to handle mall parking.

Dear Sars,

I’ve been a loyal reader of Tomato Nation for about a year now but I never considered writing to The Vine about a problem until recently.I’m not sure if I’m doing this to get advice, to organize my thoughts, or to have a chance at a free magnet, but hey, here it goes.

I’m 22 years old, and my parents are recently separated (more on that later).The problem (well, one among many) is my brother, who’s 19.He’s recently begun spouting opinions that I find irritating at best and horribly offensive at worst, and I have no idea how to deal with his newfound assholeness.

Background on the family situation: my parents were married for 30 years before my father began an affair with one of his employees while working overseas.After a half-hearted attempt at counseling (all of three weeks), my dad left my mom and moved overseas permanently.He now lives with his girlfriend, has grown a goatee, drives a BMW (purchased by the girlfriend), and took my brother out drinking every night when he flew out to visit Dad over spring break.Picture every midlife crisis cliche: that’s my dad.I’m so proud.

Ever since returning from his spring break trip, my brother has been making constant comments like “it’s just like a woman to overreact” and “women never let you have any fun.”He informed me that Dad is behaving the way all men would act if women weren’t controlling and oppressive.He thinks the divorce is Mom’s fault because she waited a month to join my Dad overseas, and Dad couldn’t handle four weeks alone.He’s also suggested that Mom should have moved overseas permanently to be with Dad and just accepted the fact that he has a mistress now in order to preserve the marriage.

As a woman I find these kinds of attitudes sickening and I hate hearing them come from the mouth of someone I love.But I have no idea how to go about convincing my brother to look at the situation from a less chauvinistic perspective.My brother does not respond well to anything he might perceive as criticism.In the past, when I’ve tried to tell him that something he’s done upsets me (like, say, the time he borrowed my car without asking and left the lights on overnight so the battery was dead the next morning) he turns it on me and yells at me for overreacting to the situation — it’s not his fault for acting like a jerk, it’s my fault for getting upset.To him, any reaction at all is an overreaction, and I know if I try and tell him what I just told you he’lldismiss what I say and file me in with his imaginary majority of controlling, fun-hating females.

So my brilliant idea was to tell my dad about my concerns.I thought maybe these kinds of attitudes were my brother’s way of trying to justify what my dad did (the two of them are quite close), and if my dad were more careful about the messages he sends my brother, the kid might ease up on the incessant vilifying of the female sex.I don’t know what I expected — maybe that my dad might reconsider taking my brother out drinking and telling him how happy he is now that he has a girlfriend who lets him do whatever he wants.But my dad simply claimed that he never told my brother anything negative about my mom or about women and then washed his hands of the situation.So much for that.

In three weeks I’m moving home before I start grad school.I’ll be seeing a lot more of my brother, and I’m sure I’ll be hearing more pearls of wisdom about the suckiness of my gender.As a renowned Slayer of Bullshit, what would you do?I know from experience that the heart-to-heart “what you’re saying hurts my feelings” talk won’t work.So would you just roll your eyes, bite your tongue, and mind your own business?Or would you make a snarky comment about the stupidity of his views whenever he expresses them and hope that eventually he might start thinking about what he’s saying? Or go for a third option that hasn’t occurred to me?

Sign me,
What do you mean, that’s the biggest bottle of Advil you’ve got?!

Dear Buy Generic, Those Bottles Are Biiiig,

I would still tell him that what you’re saying hurts your feelings, is untrue, and doesn’t apply to you or to most people.Say it every time; then leave the room or end the conversation.At the very least, you have to give the bullshit consequences, and make it clear that you love him but you’re not going to just sit and listen to that tripe, because it’s tripe.

And it probably won’t do much good, consciously, but the thing is, he’s 19.This is not to say that 19-year-olds are, as a breed, easily led, but it’s an age at which some people do go to extremes with their thinking for various reasons, and your brother’s reason, I imagine, is that he’s trying to fit your father’s fundamental betrayal of the family unit into some kind of justifiable framework.

So, while I do think you should inform him in so many words that if he thinks your mother brought this on herself, he’s a simpleton, I also think that this is probably not a permanent problem — once your brother gets some perspective on the situation, and grows up enough to realize that the situation isn’t as black-and-white as he’s claiming, he’s going to stop with the dismissive rhetoric.

Because he doesn’t really know what he’s talking about, except on the surface.This is the most obnoxious aspect of late-adolescent off-mouthing, but it almost always passes.

Hey Sars,

This is fairly minor, but you’ve given me good advice
before and I’m curious about your opinion.

I’m a mostly-vegetarian.I do eat some seafood, but
I’m picky because I go by what’s environmentally
friendly (sustainably fished or farmed, that sort of
thing).This weekend I’m going to visit my
boyfriend’s best friend in another state.This is
only the second time we’ve met, so I barely know her,
but obviously I want to because she’s so important to
Boy.

Friend is from another country where they cook mostly
meat, and she (according to Boy) doesn’t understand
about vegetarians.He’s been telling me for weeks how
stressed out she is about what she’s going to cook for
me.So to save her stress, he told her I eat seafood.
(Which is really more complicated than if he’d just
left it at, “She’s a vegetarian,” but whatever.)
She’s apparently bought a whole freezer of seafood,
and I’m sure it will mostly not be stuff I eat.

Usually what I do in these situations is suck it up
and eat some of what’s served, because I don’t want to
be one of Those Vegetarians who make everyone
uncomfortable and turn every meal into a Statement.
But if Boy stays in my life as long as I hope he will,
Friend will also be in my life, and I don’t want to
give her false impressions of what I eat, because then
I’ll have to go through this over and over.

So what’s the proper etiquette in this situation?Do
I continue to eat against my beliefs to keep the
peace?(This is what Boy wants me to do; he keeps
telling me not to make her feel like a bad hostess and
is starting to give me the impression that he thinks
my eating habits are silly.)Do I sacrifice
politeness for principle?Do I scrape my dinner onto
her son’s plate and bribe him not to say anything?
Help!

I’ll Skip the Meat, Just Pass the Potatoes

J

Dear Skip,

My parents had an expression for when we kids were faced with food we didn’t like for whatever reason: “Just do what you can of it.”That’s what I’d advise here.Eat what you can and what you feel comfortable eating; leave what you can get away with.Nobody’s keeping score, and while it’s admirable that you try to adhere to certain principles in your own eating, the seafood is already bought, if you see what I mean; agribusiness already has the woman’s money, so I would just try to go with the flow as long as it’s not going to cause any health/digestive problems for you.Then, next time, you can be a little clearer with her (and with Boy) about 1) what you do and don’t eat and 2) the fact that you can shift for yourself if she’d like to plan a meat-based meal.

Word to the meat-eating wise here: most of us really don’t give a damn what you eat; nor do we expect you to cook special for us.People apologize to me all the time for “forgetting” to make a vegetarian version of the chili, or for having salami on the cold-cuts tray, and it’s nice of them to think of me, but I eat cheese and crackers for dinner at home all the time; it’s really no problem to do it at your house.But above all, please don’t take it personally.We don’t think less of you for eating meat (at least, I don’t, but I went vegetarian for non-moral reasons); it’s your home.What we don’t love is when you make a huge flap about how you don’t know what to make us and this is a nightmare aiiiieeee!We’re used to making do; just buy some cut-up vegetables and hummus and pita, or hand us the take-out menus, and don’t worry about it.

Sarah —

I called a friend in the copy room here at Fortune and here’s the official word:

“Italicize ‘Fortune’ and leave ‘500’ plain. That’s what we do in Fortune Small Business, our sister magazine.”

So there you have it!

KB

Dear KB,

I knew I could rely on you to chime in — thanks!(Not least for confirming what I said.Heh.)

Hi Sars,

I can usually figure out how to solve my own problems, but this isn’t so much a problem, I’ve figured out what I’m going to do about it, I’m just a bit puzzled (and maybe somewhat irritated).

What do you think about B-list wedding invites?I mean the kind where mostly everyone gets invited to a dinner reception but a few people (the ones who didn’t make the A-list) are invited to show up for dessert?This has happened to me a couple of times now.The first time was fine because there were a whole pile of us so we all went out for dinner together and then joined the rest of the wedding later, except that it wound up feeling a bit awkward since there really wasn’t anywhere for us to sit when we got there and we had missed all the toasts.Now I’ve gotten another one of these (via email, no less) and I can’t decide if I feel flattered that they thought to include me (we aren’t really close, we just have several friends in common) or a bit irritated (if they really want me there, then they should invite me to the whole event).I thought that the way to go about this sort of thing was to send out wedding announcements and let people show up to the church if they would like to, not make them hang around on their own for five hours, scrounge dinner while dressed in formal wear, and then arrive at the party several hours late.

Just because I’ve been invited to your shower, doesn’t mean you have to invite me to your wedding

Dear Just,

Eh.I don’t love that.Either invite people or don’t, but don’t get cute with asking guests to show up in shifts.I don’t know if it’s “incorrect,” but it comes off as kind of…lame.It’s a wedding; you can’t invite everyone, which most adults understand, so…don’t.But don’t half-invite some people, either; if anything, it causes more problems than it solves as far as the planning goes.

I mean, in those circumstances, I wouldn’t get pissed or anything; I’d probably think the same thing you did, that I don’t know them real well so it’s nice that they tried to include me.But I don’t know that I’d go, either, and if I’m on the hook for a gift when I didn’t get invited to the “whole” wedding?Again: Eh.

[11/19/04]

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