The Vine: November 19, 2014
I just wanted to check my thinking to see if I’m being a little bit crazy.
I’m okay with being a little bit crazy, but at least the reality check will stop me from being a little stupid, also.
So my lovely boyfriend of two years was married before, about 15 years ago. They were married for about 30 seconds after being together for two or three years. I know why the marriage ended — a combination of alcohol and apathy on his part. He has been in recovery for about 12 years now. Aside from making amends when he was in AA, he isn’t in contact with her at all. When she left, she left everything behind — she didn’t take photos, knickknacks, anything.
I have a lot of respect for her for leaving, because based on what he’s told me, he really was a disaster. I feel a bit of guilt that I am now benefiting from respectable, grown-up, sober boyfriend, when she had to leave him to move on with her life. Which brings me to my point — boyfriend is a bit of a hoarder of paper and all sorts. He still has all the wedding pictures, cards, knickknacks, from his marriage to her. He wants to throw them away, and I…don’t want him to.
It feels really disrespectful of their marriage, of an important part of his life, and for what they went through, and, I guess I’m projecting, what I imagine she went through.
What do you think?
Tomato Native
Dear Nat,
Well, I guess you’re projecting too, but that’s not a bad thing, per se. Figuring out why it’s an issue for you and what you’re bringing to it is useful and positive, I’d say.
So: why is it an issue for you that he’s not respectful of a marriage that lasted no time at all and probably shouldn’t have happened in the first place? My husband’s first marriage and its demise share certain characteristics with your boyfriend’s, and he has a similar “well, that…was unfortunate” attitude towards it, in that, if he had it to do again, he’d do it differently (or not at all), but he doesn’t, so he’s tried to learn from the person he was then. That’s the thing: he isn’t the same person now, really, and I hesitate to generalize, but I think for a guy in recovery, a relationship that ended because of or existed within his disease isn’t something he needs keepsakes of.
It isn’t important, anymore; he did (I assume) his fearless moral inventory, and he made his amends, and that doesn’t mean he’s forgotten that he acted like a piece of shit and left good years and good people in the bottle. It doesn’t mean he’s gotten complacent; it doesn’t mean he’s going to put you aside that way one day. It means the marriage he entered into, and apparently ruined, during his drinking days is not relevant to the sober person a dozen years down the line whose wallet is a museum of Clinton-era ATM receipts. Not to talk about it like he had an evil twin, or was possessed — it was still him. But part of recovery is learning how to accept responsibility for your past bullshit without dwelling in the self-loathing forever.
If it makes you anxious that he’s done with that part of his life, you should talk with him about it. Explain that it feels weird to you for him to chuck all that stuff, and you don’t know why, and could he talk it out with you for a little while. Listen; don’t look for reasons to feel more weirded out. Hear what he’s saying.
And…hear what his ex-wife said back in the day when she left every dish and fridge magnet with him. Sometimes there’s stuff nobody wants because it’s broken. That can give you a sad feeling; it’ll pass. Focus on what’s whole, and how he keeps you.
Tags: boys (and girls)
He wants to let go and move on. Everything Sars said is true. It’s okay to let him let go. He has a new life now with you – may it be a happy one!
I have a weird and slightly bittersweet perspective on this at the moment.
My husband’s ex-wife, with whom he shared a decade of marriage and with whom he shares two kids, had her house burn to the ground on Sunday night. She lost everything she had, including mementos she candidly admits she never really knew what to do with–souvenirs of a marriage both parties agree never should’ve happened. (Obviously they don’t say such things when the kids are around. The kids are wonderful and all three of us adore them.)
Let him throw them away. They’re stuff. They’re his stuff. If his house burned down and they burned with it, he wouldn’t have a shred of regret about losing them. The relationship is gone, the relevance of those objects is gone, the person he was then is gone. He’s fine with that. Let him free up that space in his world for new mementos of better relationships and memories. You’ll both feel lighter without those things, and trust me on this: No one will ever miss them or wish they had them back.
I agree about the reflection that’s needed here. I would also remind you of the feeling of liberation that comes with throwing out stuff, even stuff that was important at one time or important in the way Memories are.
I used to have a keepsake from my long-dead grandma, but once my mom (the last person I knew who knew her) died, and (more urgently) I had to move, well, out it went. I don’t miss it. I miss what it represented, a little, but boy I’m glad not to have the thing itself. And when clearing out Mom’s house after her death, it stung a bit to chuck stuff I knew was important to her (but not to anyone else). Chucking it was the right thing to do, though.
It’s okay to feel conflicted about tossing stuff. But I bet you’ll feel better after it’s gone.
Boy howdy, this one hit home for me. I was once the ex-wife in a similar situation, and I did the exact same thing. Left with a suitcase, leaving every magnet and photo album and old report card behind. Perhaps five years later his new girlfriend sent me a package of my things (out of kindness, with a lovely note) but it sent me into a whirlwind of depression that took the better part of a year to climb out of. Every piece of paper in that box was a reminder of years of abuse.
Well, as usual, Sars pretty much nailed it, dismount and everything. Even the German judges give that a 9.
All I can add is this: As someone w/just over 19 years of sobriety, when I look back on my hard-drinking days, that’s what I remember…the hard-drinking days. I don’t know your boyfriend and certainly can’t presume to speak for him, but the impression I get is that for both him and his ex, the whole brief marital experience was and is pretty heavily shaded by the drinking. Hence its end, and hence his willingness to part with the detritus now that a)the drinking is long done, b)ditto the marriage, and c)you’re there.
Hmmm. I’m with Sars, he’s letting go of bad vibes. Maybe there’s a way to have some good? Are any of the knickknacks at all worth salvaging? Could they be donated to a charity shop for a cause you both support? Used as white elephant gifts? Are they really fridge magnets, etc? Here’s an idea. My local Senior Food Delivery (sorta like Meals on Wheels) asks the community for Senior Boxes through out the year. Either the community member makes/decorates a box and fills it, or they donate stuff to fill. It’s a show box and they distribute the boxes at the holidays and also make sure every senior on the delivery route gets one on their birthday. They have little treats like pens and notepads, crossword puzzle books, candy, nuts, hankies, etc. A couple of years ago we culled our fridge magnet and Christmas ornament collection and put one of each in the boxes we donated–that was a big hit. My long winded point is what is today a sad reminder for your boyfriend might be a great treat for someone else.
And if the mementos are not in good enough shape to donate, sorting them out and making sure they recycled (any artists in your area who make found art sculptures?) may help with the sense of closure for both of you.
I think this particular anxiety bat is flapping around in the mental attic because it’s hard to accept that sometimes the past is the opposite of that saying. You know, about how the past isn’t over, it’s not even past? Not always so.
It’s part of a fashion in our culture these days, particularly in America where we’re stereotyped as LIVE FOR TODAY THERE IS NOT PAST kinds of careless people, to really cling to “roots” and family. Witness the rise in popularity of ancestry tracing websites and such. And of course it’s not like family mementos have no meaning, or anything like that.
So it can be harder then you’d think to accept that you are actually done with something. Like, done. All finished, kaput, packed up and sent off, end of the line done. Especially when it comes in a package that’s supposed to very dramatic–i.e., a marriage ruined by drinking. We make movies and shit about stuff like that, how can it mean nothing?
Well, it did mean something at one time, in another person’s life, but now that person’s done with it, and tempting as it is to project rejection onto that, it’s just something that happened before you existed in his timestream. It’s wild to think about, but it’s true. And scary, because it makes a person feel erasable, replaceable. But it’s not that, it’s just past.
It’s okay for new meanings to come into being. You aren’t a bad person, neither is he. It’s time for new things.
I felt the same way about my husband’s Big-Box-‘o-Ex-Junk and refused to get rid of it because it wasn’t mine to dispose of and they have a daughter who might want it one day. Well, daughter got married last summer & I finally met the ex. She presented my husband with a lovely scrapbook of family pictures . . . 90% of which were our wedding photos she’d taken from my Facebook page AND CROPPED ME OUT OF. The minute we got home, that box went in the garbage. It felt soooooo good to get rid of it.
I broke up with a guy after most of a decade together, and the woman he married later got the benefit of a guy who was stunned enough by our breakup to make major (positive) changes in his life. I don’t begrudge his wife getting a good husband when I put up with a bad boyfriend for many years, but neither would I appreciate any of the wreckage of our relationship being kept for no real reason other than it existed once upon a time. It does not appear that the ex has made any effort or shown any interest to reclaim what she left behind, so it is your boyfriend’s decision on whether or not to keep any of it.
1) Not your business
2) That’s it, really
Hi Nation,
Just wanted to update you on what happened after I posted this letter to Sars and she published. Really appreciated her reply, and your comments. They reassured me.
I ended up just sitting with it for a while, and then it all came up very naturally when we were hunting for a thumb drive, and out popped a folder of wedding certificates and photos. After some anxious ‘I should just chuck this, shouldn’t I?’ I told him my fears about him throwing them away – that he might regret it, that I didn’t want him to throw them away because he thought I wanted him to throw it away – he reassured me, and then because he is him, he stuffed it back under the bed and said he would deal with it at some point.
So I felt reassured (if concerned about his packratting, ha!), and we had a nice conversation, and we’re ok.
Sars, you really hit the nail on the head – I was worried he was going to throw me away too, someday.
So, thanks everyone!