Dear Sars:

I love your site and think that you give great practical advice in the
Vine column.I do have some thoughts regarding your response to the woman who wanted
to sell the excess children’s clothing that her sister-in-law had given
to her.While I completely agree that if her husband is that against
it, she really should respect his feelings and not sell the clothes and
that she needs to think about how her SIL would feel if she knew, I also
think that both the husband and your response treated the hand me down
clothes as a huge favor being done by the SIL for altruistic purposes.

As a mom who has both given and received many bags filled with hand me
downs, let me tell you that it’s really a two-way street.You have to
remember that kids (particularly toddlers) basically get new wardrobes
every spring and fall — once they grow out of stuff, they are never
going to fit back into it.I’m grateful for the generosity of my
friends who have passed clothes on to my daughter, but I am equally as
grateful when I have other friends to whom I can pass on clothes.It
gets them out of my house and out of my way.I’m pregnant with my
second child and I can’t tell you how many of my friends are hoping that
it’s a boy (I have a daughter already) so that they can give me their
old baby boy clothes.Are they generous and helpful?Absolutely.Are
they also thrilled to have someplace to send these items?Of course.

If her SIL doesn’t give the clothes to Tense, they are likely going to
Goodwill anyway.A solution might be for Tense to store the clothes in
her garage or basement (if she can), wait until her kids have outgrown
the clothes passed on by her SIL, then to sell them at a consignment
shop.I cannot imagine that the SIL expects Tense to keep the clothes
forever — and once Tense’s girls have outgrown the clothes, what she
does with them is really her business.Of course, her husband needs to
be on board with this option.Otherwise, at least she can donate the
clothes, knowing that less fortunate kids will get them and that she
will get a tax deduction (since finances seem to be an issue).

Now I’m Tense About My Grammar

Dear Now,

Good points all — and I’m not suggesting that Tense keep the clothes when she doesn’t have room for them merely as a show of obsequious gratitude.But something hits me wrong about the idea of her selling them, for some reason — that she’s monetizing an informal gift between family members, maybe?

I’m probably overthinking this, but what the hell — let’s throw it to a poll.

Hi Sars! Longtime reader, first-time
emailer…Resenting the Fashion Industry should try
Skechers — super-comfortable and cheap cheap cheap!Here’s a link to some awesome boots.

Hope this helps!

Nik

Dear Nik,

Thanks!Skechers does make some comfy shoes, it’s true.

Other suggestions appear below, broken down by general brands and specific styles; if I got it more than once, it’s got an asterisk.Happy shopping!

brands
Metrostyle.com
Newport News.com

styles
Aerosoles: Tied Up
a.n.a: Florence (JC Penney)*
Apt. 9T: Ladylike Boots (Kohl’s)
Boscovs.com: Mudd-Branch
Classic Elements: Briana (Sears.com)*
Chadwick’s: Lace-Up Boots
Mudd: Largo
Newport News: Velvet granny boot*
Outlooks: Garrett
Skechers: Teardrops*

sites/stores
bootbarn.com
Capezio
DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse)*
eBay Express
fugawee.com*
goodgoth.com
Metrostyle.com
Newport News.com
Payless
Sites that cater to Western or Civil War re-enactors*

Dear Sars,

This may be too New York for The Vine, but I’d like your take.I’m a twentysomething woman looking for an apartment, and I’d like to avoid the broker’s fee.I’ve been looking at Craigslist, newspaper listings, and talking to friends.I just got a response to an email I sent about an open house advertised on Craigslist, and it was a form letter from a site that charges a fee to look at its listings.I’ve seen these before, but I don’t know anyone who has used them.I found my current apartment through friends, and before that I lived in a major city with a much easier housing market than New York’s (which is pretty much any city, except maybe San Francisco).I found my first apartment there by calling a building I was interested in and making an appointment to see a place — I moved in two weeks later.So I haven’t really had to hunt in earnest before.

I know New York pretty well, having gone to school and lived here for a few years, and I’ve had positive experiences buying and selling stuff on Craigslist.But I wondered if you had any experience with these other sites.My gut says they’re bullshit.My friends, both in New York and out, are split.Thoughts?

Thanks in advance,
Apartment Hunter

Dear Hunter,

I haven’t used these sites, and I don’t know for a fact that anyone I know has either — because you don’t really need to.Now, whether you “need to” use a broker is sort of up to you; I did it the last time I moved because I appeared at an open house, liked the guys running it, and trusted them to show me apartments I could work with, lots of them, pronto.And it worked; I had a new place in a week.But I didn’t pay for the listings — I paid for the privilege of having used a broker with access to the listings (who, as it turns out, is my landlord’s cousin, but that worked to my advantage too, in the end).

I don’t think they’re “bullshit,” necessarily; I do think it’s one of those things designed to capitalize on the horror stories everyone from out of town has heard about how hard it is to find an apartment here — which it is, I guess, but it’s not so hard that you can’t make do with what’s in the paper or online.

Sars,

My boyfriend and I (there’s always a boyfriend) have been together for over four years. This includes all of college and part of high school for me. I recently graduated (in May) and landed my dream job.

So now I’m all working-girl and trying to get settled into my post-adolescence life; you know, figuring out how long until I can buy a new car, and move out of my parents’ house. All the stuff you do when you grow up. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has a serious deficiency when it comes to making plans past, let’s say, next Thursday. Combine this with the fact that one of my best friends is planning her wedding, another friend is pregnant with her second child, and a third friend has just scored an awesome new apartment in the city and her dream job, and I’m starting to get a little anxious about this “next phase” of my life thing.

I love my boyfriend more then anything, and I’m more than ready for some kind of commitment on his part. It doesn’t have to be an invitation to move in with him, or an engagement, or anything dramatic, I just want some reassurance that the man I spent the last four years with might want another four years with me.

The worst part is that I really have no one to talk to about this. All of my friends (even my parents) think that I need to go out there and have fun while I’m young. “Experience life,” they say. Well, why should I go out and date around when I’ve found someone that makes me happy, and someone that I see myself spending the rest of my life with?

The problem? He’s told me that he’s not ready for such a big commitment. That though he loves me and wants to be with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the one. Well, pardon me, but how could you not know after four years?

I told him as much, and he said he just didn’t know.

We’re kind of in limbo right now. I just want to know he’s not going anywhere. He claims he’s not, but is loath to make any more of a commitment then he already has. So my question is: should I wait this out? I’m really scared that I’ll leave him, and then by the time he is ready to settle down he’ll just take the first girl he meets. But at the same time if I’m not what he wants, I should be free to go out there and find someone who does want me. Right?

Please help.

Signed,
It doesn’t have to be a big ring

Dear The Ring Ain’t The Point,

It’s my feeling that, after four years, yes, you should know — or at least have an idea.But…that’s my feeling.Not everyone comes at these emotions and decisions the same way, and if your boyfriend isn’t sure, well, he isn’t.We can at least give him credit for speaking frankly.

If I had to guess, I would say that, for him, this is not really about you per se; it’s about feeling like he’s too young to stake claim to a lifetime commitment in any real way, and not wanting to pretend he’s ready when he’s not.I mean, he’s probably fine with moving forward with you in practice; I’m sure he loves you.The issue for him, I think, is the “in theory” part — that it all seems too grand and adult and he doesn’t really want to go there.

But your reaction and decision-making at this point is, by the same token, not really about him, which probably seems strange to say, but what I mean by that is, you can’t read his mind vis-a-vis the future; you can’t look into a crystal ball and see what’s going to happen.The only information you really have here is yourself — how you feel about your boyfriend, how you feel about what he’s told you, whether you think you can trust him and move forward in this relationship or whether you think this is a serious difference of opinion.

If you think it’s a deal-breaker, then you should break the deal, but do some thinking about things first, and keep the focus on yourself — don’t compare your lifestyle or your relationship progress to that of your friends; don’t do too much scenario-playing in your head.Look at the relationship as it stands, aside from this issue.Do you trust this guy?Does he listen to you?Is he your first call when something happens, and are you his?Because sometimes, a lot of this abstracted talk about The One this and as-long-as-we-both-shall-live that is exactly that — abstract, and intimidating.Keep it concrete: he’s the wingman, yes or no?

If the answer’s yes, leaving aside the conversation you’ve had about knowing whether you’re his one?Then, if you trust that, just…trust it.Sure, “experiencing life” is great, but I’ve never really seen how being in a committed relationship at a young age is not experiencing life; it is, just from a different standpoint, and if it’s a healthy relationship, why break up to make a point?

But if you don’t trust that — or if, after hearing that he’s not sure of you, you can’t trust it anymore, can’t get past that — maybe it’s time to take a break.I can’t tell you which path to take, or what’s going to be.I can only tell you to look at what is, with clear eyes, and go with your gut based on that.

[11/2/06]

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