The Vine: November 2, 2011
I dated a guy last year for three months, and while our relationship was very intense, I broke it off and moved on. He however, did not. I tried to cut him off cold turkey, but somehow he would always be in dire need of help from someone — was homeless/in debt/needed someone to keep his dog. I reached out, trying to be a good person and allow him time to get back on his feet.
This year, he started going to AA for drug and alcohol abuse. I again agreed to keep his dog and support him emotionally so that he could concentrate on being sober. I’ve told him I would only be there as a friend, as I would not consider getting back together; however, I know that his feelings for me are stronger than friendship. He also has been wanting closure from me to “make his sobriety easier” which I don’t think I can give, or will ever be sufficient enough for him.
I don’t know if I’m hurting him more in the long run by supporting him through sobriety and hard times. I’m also worried he could relapse if I cut him out of my life while he’s in this sensitive state.
I would greatly appreciate any advice!
M
Dear M,
You want permission to cut him off. Permission granted!
…Look: you’re a good person, you’re trying to be a good friend, and you care about the guy and his feelings. All of that is true. It is also true that 1) you had already moved on from the relationship, but got sucked back into it by his problems; 2) he has More Than Friends feelings for you that you do not return, which means that, despite your best efforts at friendship, this isn’t really a friendship, but an unrequited push-pull thing where he’s trying to maintain contact with you by whatever means necessary in the hopes that you’ll change your mind; and 3) it is frequently exhausting to deal with substance-abuse drama, because it is drama, even in recovery sometimes.
My point: it is okay not to want to deal with him, or any of his ancillary shit, anymore. It does not make you, or him, a bad person. It just means that you have continued to participate in a semi-unhealthy relationship because you feel guilty about things you can’t control, and people do it all the time, and that doesn’t make you a bad person either, but: “things you can’t control.” This is the important part. This is what you have to let go.
You can’t control that you don’t feel That Way about him back. You just don’t. You took a run at it; it sucks for him that he’s alone with those feelings; but it is what it is, and continuing to hang out with him/handle his life for him is not helping him work through it and move on.
And you can’t control whether he chooses to drink and/or use. He might let you think you can, and intimate that he’s fragile and can’t take any kind of setback or he’ll drown in a bottle of bourbon, but that’s his choice. His choice. He can also choose to call his sponsor, or go to an ER, or talk to a counselor, but if he’s using the threat of falling off the wagon to keep you in his life? Yeah: no. I mean, sure, he could relapse. He could relapse in 20 years after you’ve both long since married other people. Addiction is a tough disease — but it’s on him to deal with it, and you can feel compassion for him there without taking responsibility for it.
So: ask yourself what you want to happen here, and if the answer is “I just don’t want to do this job anymore,” that is okay. Make whatever arrangements with the dog, sit him down, and tell him, I wish you the best, but I need a break from you of X time (60 days minimum is my recommendation). Do not take or return his calls or emails during that time, and make it clear right up front that that is the deal — that it’s not about him, but you need the time off, and you will take it. If he makes it out like he’s going to the nearest bar in response, ask him to call his sponsor or a doctor, but don’t engage otherwise; again, it’s his choice, so don’t let him make it your fault.
It’s time to rewrite the story here, for both of you. He needs to start to learn how to cope with painful emotions and life’s little emergencies, in a non-enabled, non-using way; you need to put down the burden of acting as a caretaker for him. He may not rise to the occasion, and you can’t force him to, but you can decline to hold his hand anymore, at least for the next couple of months. And you should.
Tags: boys (and girls) health and beauty
Seconding what Sars said, M. In fact, you probably should’ve made arrangements before now.
Yes, he needs someone to take care of his dog. But maybe the dog would help him, by giving him something to focus on that’s not him. If not, then he needs to find somewhere else for the dog to stay. Somewhere that is not your place.
Yes, you love the dog (I assume, or you wouldn’t have agreed to keep it for him) and you wish him the best on his road to sobriety. But, as Sars said, you have to cut off contact with him. Maybe not forever – the two-month break sounds like a good start – but at least for a while.
Just remember: even if he relapses and crawls back inside the bottle, it’s not your fault. Not even if he drunk-dials you at three in the morning and says it is. Not even if he shows up at your door, pukes on your step, and stands outside your window, yelling how it’s your fault that he relapsed. After all, it wouldn’t be your fault if he were yelling that it were your fault that there’s war in Africa or that there are puppies who don’t have homes, either.
If he’s in danger of slipping off the wagon, there are a lot of other people he can contact for help – like his sponsor, who is, in fact, supposed to be dealing with shit like this. Not you.
Hear hear! This is exactly why AA members have sponsers: they are there specifically to listen to the long stories about how shit everything is, and how this girl just won’t realize that you belong together, and on and on. That’s why they’re there.
You’re a good person. You want this guy to stay in recovery and you want his dog to be safe and happy. But recovery is NOT the same as hostage taking. As long as this guy can keep this drama going, he doesn’t have to commit, not 1000%, to the dark and sometimes dreary day to day that is recovery. He’s not in this so much for the relationship as the intensity, kind of like not studying for a really important test because you’re totally wrapped up in the season finale of Mad Men or whatever.
You’re not a TV show. Turn off the set and tell him he can hit the books or whatever he chooses to do, but you are done being his distraction.
As someone in recovery, I agree with both Sars and lx. Part of recovery is taking responsibility and taking a good hard look at the ways you are being self-centered or are manipulating others. So to me it seems as if your ex is still engaging in old patterns and expecting others to do things for him. This could be related to his not being over you or to his addiction but regardless it’s making you uncomfortable. In some ways you’re also enabling his behavior but I get that it’s not easy because he’s hinted at this idea that something you are doing is making his sobriety harder which leads to your fears that if he screws up his sobriety it is somehow on you. Which is utter bullshit btw. Sobriety for any addict is fucking hard, no matter what. Lots of people in recovery have gone through far worse circumstances than losing a home or pet and a lot of them get through it without relapsing. The world does not walk on egg shells around those in recovery so why should you?
Everyone is right. You might consider going to a few Al-Anon meetings, because it sounds like you are susceptible to his “but I might relapse” and “you need to do this for my sobriety” crap. These things are part of his disease, and Al-Anon can help you understand where your ability to control ends. I know it may sound odd, to go to a group for people who are involved with addicts, but I suspect you will find it useful in giving you tools to get out of an addict’s life.
And getting out is what you need to do, as much for his sake as for yours. You are good person, operating out of a non-addict place of trying to help, but that is part of it all. Things that are fine to do to help a person who is not an addict can be poison if you do them for an addict. He appears not to be able to say no to himself, so do it for him. Let him use AA tools like his sponsor to work his stuff out.
Draw some boundaries for him, and if it gets hard to hold them, remind yourself that he is not healthy enough right now to hold the boundaries he needs. It is far better to do what is best for him than to do what he wants, no matter how much he threatens to relapse.
M,
I had a similar situation, although the fellow hadn’t made it to recovery yet. He couldn’t admit he had a problem. But his behavior was very similar to what you describe. Unfortunately, I had gotten myself wrapped up with an ancillary part of lis life (not a dog, a business thing). He used that hook as an excuse to stay in contact. After he became a real bother, I cut of all communication, delegated the business thing, and shut him down. It took about 90 days for his contact efforts to cease completely.
He kept saying, “we can be friends.” But the reality was, we could not. I wouldn’t take that manipulative BS from a friend. Like Sars said, it’s okay to shut this down. Nothing that happens after you communicate your decision will be your fault.
Good luck.
Telling you he needs closure in order to make his sobriety easier is a) emotional blackmail and b) possibly an excuse so if he relapses, he can blame you and/or your relationship issues. Jerk move. You need to go all Jeff Van Vonderen on him.
Part of AA’s job is to serve as a support group. If he’s not getting the support he thinks he needs there, that’s not your fault.
Go to Al-Anon. Even if it’s just one or two meetings. Everyone there knows exactly what you’re talking about and going through. Being around others who feel similarly towards people in their lives and are actively working to change it is a huge help.
You’re not helping him by being in his life. He will only get over you if you are not there to interact with him. Believe me, being “there for him” is taking him AWAY from concentrating on sobriety; it’s not helping.
I really don’t think he’s being a jerk, he’s just emotionally vulnerable and probably doesn’t know what to do without you. Seriously, though, the longer you’re “there for him,” the harder it will be to stop – especially for him. He’s relying on you for support and he REALLY CAN’T; it’s not healthy for anyone involved, and you’re not in a position to provide what he needs, anyway.
Cutting off contact is absolutely the right decision. Drop off the dog and tell him you need to stop talking so you both can move on. End. No further discussion.
Oh, Sars. Where were you fifteen years ago? This is exactly what I needed to hear when my fake-an-illness-to-get-discharged-from-the-Army-so-he-could-keep-make-sure-I-wasn’t-cheating-then-fiance kept sucking me back into his life after I broke up with him, all, “I’m sick! You can’t leave me friendless when I’m sick!” His problem wasn’t addiction, exactly, but he was still manipulating the situation to keep me around. And let me tell you, people like that can make you feel like the shittiest of shit for “abandoning” them in their time of need.
I let it drag on for just a few months, but I finally cut him off when he got a little too stalky for my liking. It was hard and I felt awful, but I needed to do it so both of us could move on completely. (Having coffee with friends when the ex shows up–with flowers–because he just happened to be a neighborhood 30 miles from where he lives? Suuuucks.)
Yes, M, cut him off. You are not his mother, or his babysitter, or his sponsor. Presumably he knows other human beings; let him start building his own support system that does not consist of you.
I have been where you are. And I agree with almost all of the above with this one exception: if you are done, then tell him you are done, period!! Don’t leave the door open, not even a little or he will walk right back into your life again. Saying that you need a break for the next 2 months is not fixing the problem but just pushing it out into the future.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is also the most painful. By pushing him out and slamming the door, you may give him what he needs to stand on his own two feet. And Al-anon is a wonderful tool for you to heal also. Because like it or not, you are a participant in his addiction and you need to break that cycle so it doesn’t continue with someone else down the road.
Nobody ever got over someone romantically by still having contact with them. Seriously, they call it “Dead To Me” for a reason. At the very lease, substance abuse or not, he won’t get over you romantically if you are still around in his life being wonderful.
What, no recommendations for The Gift of Fear?
Whoops, hit submit before I was finished.
Anyway… Even though The Gift of Fear is about protecting yourself from violence and it doesn’t sound like your relationship is at that point yet, it could be. Keeping you in his life with threats of relapsing is emotional abuse. It can be frighteningly short leap from manipulation and emotional abuse to physical abuse, but it will most likely follow a predictable pattern. Reading the book may help you spot that pattern so you can get untangled before it gets threatening or violent.
You will never be what (he thinks) he needs you to be. Not your fault, not his fault… and also not your problem.
Co-signing the suggestions to try Al-Anon – it can be hugely helpful. Take the focus off of him and get interested in what you’re doing and why. He might be out of control or nuts, but staying involved with him in any way is its own kind of crazy. (I say this as someone who has been there.)
Nthing the recommendations for Al-Anon. M, your ex is the only one responsible for his sobriety, and Al-Anon will help you realize the truth of this statement.
Do whatever it takes to get Doggie taken care of, but then RUN LIKE MAD out of this life-draining relationship.
It took Al-Anon and several other self-help groups to get myself to the point where I could get out of a marriage to a drunk; I won’t lie, it’s never easy to cut someone off. But you need to take back control of your own life, the sooner the better.
@Jen S 1.0: “…recovery is NOT the same as hostage taking.” This needs to be cross-stitched and hung in a frame, along with my favorite “Friendships Have A Lifespan”. Once guilt becomes the only reason for hanging onto a friendship, it’s time to let go.
I’m a little confused about the “he wants closure from me …which I don’t think I can give” part. Give it to him. Guilt free, no drama. Short run = hard. Long run = better for both of you. Honest. I spent 12 years with an addict, and it took about half that time to extricate myself. Trust me, sooner is better than later.
I think it’s also worth noting that the dating portion of this relationship lasted *three months* last year. We’re not talking about a long history. Pulling away completely at this point isn’t going to be the foundational upset he might paint it to be. And if it is? All the more reason to run, run, run.
Nothing for me to add here except sympathy. It’s easy to judge a situation like this clearly from the outside, but addicts can be world-class manipulators. The sooner you yourself are on the outside, the better. Good luck, and let us know how it works out.
Great advice all around, but I would take it a step further and let the dog and every other one of his problems become entirely his NOW. Let him be the one to answer the question of, “What will I do when she’s not around?”….because you’re not around.
Who knows if he’ll ever get it together. The fact is, you can’t support somebody into sobriety. It’s his job to go there on his own.
Lookit… active addicts and alcoholics are emotionally manipulative, self-centered fucktards; that’s part and parcel of the disease. Believe that, and know that you’re just going to have “love him from across the street” as we say in AA. Yes, emotional turmoil can and frequently does lead to relapse. But as so many posters have pointed out, that is why the rooms exist, why sponsors are there, and why people in recovery programs exchange phone numbers as if their lives depended on it. Until dude realizes that sobriety must be first and foremost NO MATTER WHAT, he’ll continue to push your buttons. Nip that shit in the bud, and pray for him to find the strength to do the hard work of recovery, because it sucks until it doesn’t. And who knows-once he has a few 24 hours under his belt, you guys might just be able to actually be friends one day. Or not. Whatever. A three month thing last year doesn’t earn him the right to take up space rent-free in your head.
Add the mantra “Let it go or be pulled under” to your life, along with the aforementioned “recovery is not hostage-taking” and “friendships have a lifespan”. If this guy goes under, you and the gene pool are both better off.
Sounds more like this guy may be more of a narcissist who also just happens to have a substance abuse problem than an addict doing ‘addict things’. It isn’t your job to make his (or anyone’s, for that matter) sobriety easier. Sobriety is not easy, at least not initially. Nor is it a one-size-fits-all process; you need to find what works for you as long as it is not a substitute addiction or something harmful. Other people cannot do it for you, but they can cheer you on from the sidelines while you do it yourself. If they wish–again, you don’t get to dictate other people’s reactions to your new sobriety.
I personally feel all kinds of feelings now that I’m no longer medicating them, but threatening people with a tumble off the wagon if they displease me in some way? NOT COOL.
That is the ultimate Dick Move trump card, and it is all kinds of NOT OK to pull it from the deck.
He really is not in a position to ask these sorts of manipulative keep-one-foot-in-your-door favors. You had a brief, passing relationship with each other and that is all. Let him go, and remember that not all stray dogs are good dogs. Take care of *you*.