Hi, Sars:

Just a quick note to They Call Him “Ass Dreads.”Your
advice to her was totally sensible, and I think that’s
where she should start.

However, I just wanted to add
that I had an old roommate with the same problem, and
she found a pretty right-on way of dealing with it.
She just kept a spray bottle of water around, and when
she noticed that the cat was having a problem, she’d
just give the cat a squirt where it counted.It
wasn’t too disturbing to the cat, and the effect it
immediately produced was to start the cat tending to
that area, if you catch my drift.Anyhow, that’s my
two cents.

Thanks,
Been there

Dear Been,

“Just a quick note to They Call Him ‘Ass Dreads.'”God, I love this job.

Anyway.Spritzing the cat’s bum with water would definitely work as a behavioral technique.Whenever mine get even a little wet, they groom the wet part madly for about five minutes, so maybe a quick drench with a water pistol would induce him to tidy up back there.

Hey Sars,

Here is the situation…I promised my friend Jen I would ask for some
impartial advice to help her with a problem she is having.

She is gay, and works in a salon where everyone is very open — lots of gay
men, other lesbians, no one really cares. There is another woman who works
there named Melissa. She is 26, beautiful, and has never been with a man.
There are many indications that Melissa is gay — when I first met her, I
thought she was, and she is always flirting with my friend, flashing her,
grabbing her, et cetera, all in a fun way. She most likely is gay, but she comes
from a very traditional family and is only just beginning to accept that she
might be.

My friend wants to help Melissa and offer her support so that she can come
out. The problem is that Melissa’s flirting is moving to a new level. Jen is
becoming involved with someone else right now and doesn’t want to pursue
anything with Melissa. She is afraid that she is going to have to reject
Melissa’s advances soon…she is scared that the rejection will push
Melissa further back into the closet.

What would you do in this situation?

Trouble in the salon

Dear Trouble,

The next time Melissa’s flirtation crosses the line from friendly and fun into something more, Jen needs to tell her that she can’t go there because she’s in a relationship.It’s always awkward to say that to someone, regardless of the extenuating circumstances, but it’s not going to help Melissa any not to tell the truth.

Now, her reaction is kind of a crapshoot for Jen — it’s possible that Melissa will react all defensively, like “oh, you misunderstand, it’s just a joke and I’m not gay,” in which case I guess Jen just goes along with that.It’s also possible that she’ll express honest disappointment, and Jen can say something supportive but vague about how she’s available if Melissa ever wants to talk.

Really, though, Melissa’s departure from the closet is her own affair, and it’s not really up to Jen to shepherd that, much as she might want to help.A simple “I’m flattered, but I’m seeing someone” should resolve the situation one way or the other.

Hi Sars,

Up until April of this past year, I had been dating Michael for over two
years.Ups and downs, nothing spectacular, good relationship. We live
together, along with four of our closest friends. This past semester
(we’re college kids), I started to feel uneasy about the lack of passion
in our relationship, i.e. very little cuddling and/or sex.We might as
well have just been roommates and not in a relationship for all the
intimacy we had.At first, it was just from his side and I was upset
and insecure, but as the months passed, I realized I didn’t
have any roaring flames of desire for him, either. Being a young and
sprightly (okay, not so sprightly) 21-year-old, I told him I thought we
needed a break from each other for the summer.He was upset, but
agreed.This was in April.

Enter Thomas.Oh, Thomas.Thomas is in our circle of friends and close
friends with Michael, not to mention my roommate Erin’s ex-boyfriend.
Thomas and I had always been flirty, but it had always been harmless.
Thomas and Michael were working on a project together towards the end
of the school year, so he ended up spending a lot of time at our house.
When there was downtime, Thomas would chill in my room.Long story
short, I fell fast and hard for Thomas and he for me.Being impulsive
and more than a little dumb, we acted on it, even though Michael and I
had only been officially on our “break” for a little over, well, a day
and even though I knew Erin still had the hots for Thomas (they had been
broken up over six months at that point, but still).We both knew that
we were putting ourselves in a sticky situation, but we both found the
passion we were missing in our lives in each other, blah blah, cue
elaborate soap opera orchestration.So, we decided to be secretive
about our love affair, the absolute wrong avenue to go, and ended up
lying a lot, and then getting caught one night by one of our other
roommates, Robert.

Disaster ensued.Michael was extremely hurt, as were Erin and the rest
of our friends.They were upset that we carried on an affair when we
knew the situation was sticky and would hurt people, but also that we
would lie to them.Understandable, and the two of us felt horrible.
Lots of apologies, lots of cold shoulders, and then the summer came and
everyone scattered for a while.

Michael took it especially hard, and seeing him cry like a baby made my
heart melt into tiny puddles, and I told him that I still wanted to work
on our relationship, but I still needed the space this summer.He asked
me not to date Thomas.I agreed.I moved 250 miles away from Michael
for the summer, but we visited often.Thomas, however, only lived ten
miles away from me.I saw him every once in a while, and then that led
to once or twice a week, and then bam, we realized how much we still
liked each other and the affair began again.

This time, I told Michael right away that I was seeing Thomas again.
More crying, more hurt, more ultimatums — “you have to choose, him or
me.”At this point, I sat down and made a very analytical pros and cons
list and came up confused.

I am back in my house with Michael, while Thomas is still 250 miles away
(he’ll be back up next week).I am honestly in love with both of these
people, and now I am confused and have no idea what to do. My
relationship with Michael is solid, dependable, and comforting.Michael
has been through a lot with me (I have an anxiety disorder that often
results in awful panic attacks that make me want to bolt from whatever
situation I’m in), and I’m scared to be without him, something as a
fairly independent woman I never thought I’d say.My relationship with
Thomas is passionate, poetic and romantic.I’m aware that this is a
honeymoon stage, but Michael and I didn’t begin our relationship as
fiery (for lack of a better term) as Thomas and I did.I feel like I’m
choosing between a solid, dependable future with a man I love or a
passionate sex-filled romance which may or may not last, also with a man
I love.It’s easier to stay with Michael, as we live together and our
friends “approve” of that relationship, but I’ve never been one to do
something just because it was easy.

Do you have any light you can shed?I never thought I would
THAT girl, complaining, “Oh, woe is me, not one, but TWO boys to choose
from, yawn, whatever will I do?” but here I am, and am getting
absolutely no joy from it.

Thanks,
Probably Should Be In A Convent

Dear Vent,

Make a choice and live with it already.Your repeated failure to act decisively is the basis of pretty much every problem in the situation.No, seriously.Grow a spine, stand up straight with it, and start walking.Nobody’s going to tell you what’s best, what’s going to make you happiest — not me, not Erin, not your mama, and certainly not Michael, who appears to have about as much backbone as a baked potato.You have to act, and you have to cope.Do it.

I mean, let’s look at it.You’ve had no physical passion for Michael for quite some time, nor he for you, but from what I can tell, you didn’t really talk to him about that, nor he to you.You just let it lie there, and so did he.Then you kind of broke up with him, but not really, and he accepted that.You “took a break,” but you didn’t move out of the house, which he also permitted.When you moved on to someone new, you picked someone not that new at all, and then you hid it because you knew your friends wouldn’t approve, and then you broke it off with the new guy, sort of, and then you started it up again, sort of, and you still hadn’t really broken it off with Michael, a man from whom you will take ultimatums even though you don’t sleep with him anymore.Michael, meanwhile, lay down and took all of that and still wanted to get back together with you.Do you see what I’m getting at here?One of you has to grow a pair, and I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for Michael to do it.

I understand that it’s not an easy decision to make, or to live with no matter what you decide.I get that, really.But you can’t spend your life waiting for instructions, because they won’t come.You have to decide what you want and what it’s worth to you, make the best plan you can, and go forward.People will get hurt and cry and hate you, and that sucks, but that’s going to happen no matter what you do (or don’t do) and there’s nothing for it.You have to live your life the best way you know how.You won’t get it right every time, but that’s the way it goes.

If you do want instructions, here’s my take.Break up with Michael.Now.No, now.Put down your soda, go into the next room, and break up with him.Go on, shoo.

Hey, you’re back.Yeah, I know that didn’t go so well, and he’s a wonderful man, no doubt, but he’s not right for you and you both know it.He’s had enough, and in time, he’ll realize that.Next stop, new living quarters.Go pack a bag and get out of that house.Michael still lives there, Erin still lives there, you’ve got these people watching you and judging you and it’s way too tight.Find somewhere else to live.No, now.Get up, go into the living room, get the paper, and start circling apartment listings.

As for Thomas…I don’t know.You probably should have stayed away from him — dating your friend’s exes is guaranteed drama, and pretty bad taste to boot — but you didn’t, and you can’t do it over, so go with it.Take a few days to think about him, about how he makes you feel, if you want.Get your feelings for him untangled from your fears about winding up alone.If you decide to make a run at it with Thomas, tell Erin and the rest of your friends that you know they don’t dig it and you wish you hadn’t lied and you hope it doesn’t end your friendships, but you care for Thomas and you’ve decided to be with him and they can like it or not but that’s that.If he’s what you want, get him.You can’t always plan these things.

But my primary instruction to you?Do.Do something, anything.Lives don’t fix themselves.

[11/20/02]

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