Dear Sarah,

There is a socially retarded genius who works upstairs from me, and we have become friends over the last eight months or so.We’ve had an odd friendship which has involved him (for no apparent reason) freaking out at times, seeming really nervous around me and becoming uncommunicative, him returning and sending wry, witty e-mails, and things returning to normal.When we go out, we have great, intense conversations and five hours pass without either of us realizing it. He doesn’t have many friends and he’s pretty famous for not doing much to maintain those friendships, but he has exhibited some effort in my direction.I thought it might be possible that all the wiggity-wack on his part might be because he liked me “that way,” but in any case, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.This was super hard for me because, while being quite friendly, I’m not a terribly confrontational person, and because I found myself quite interested in him and that doesn’t happen all that often for me.

So I tell him that I’ve noticed that he behaves a little uncomfortably around me sometimes, and I didn’t know what that was all about, but I would like to be more than friends, but if that wasn’t what he wanted, that was cool too.He seemed normal but then didn’t talk to me after I got back from vacation.A month passed, and finally I cornered him and brought it up, and he suggested we go get drinks.We go, we talk for four hours, and he doesn’t bring it up.Finally, I bring it up, and he asks what the question was!!I tried to explain without totally humiliating myself, and I can see that he is incredibly uncomfortable, and I get completely annoyed.He does not even come close to answering the question, except to say that he feels really comfortable around me and he likes hanging out with me.I do not recognize the ass sitting across the table from me.This goes on for an hour and a half.I have never seen emotional pygmydom on this scale.I leave in a huff.

He’s moving departments and won’t be in my building anymore, so I figured I would be an adult and end our friendship on a good note. I called him to wish him good luck.He surprised me by telling me that he wants to see me and he wants to get together next week.I’m quite sure I can’t bring up the non-conversation we never had, but I don’t know how to move forward, or even if I should.This guy, while incredibly sweet and charming, has really hurt me, and I can’t figure out what he wants, and my attempts to find out were met with feigned deafness and amnesia.On the other hand, knowing that he wanted to see me and possibly save our friendship made me ridiculously happy.Thoughts?

Not Desperate, Just Confused

Dear Not Desperate,

Call him to “reschedule.”Then, don’t reschedule.”Socially retarded genius” is not an excuse for yo-yoing you back and forth between “intense” and “a month passing.”The guy is fucking with you, and you’re letting him.

I’ve gone there and done that.I know that it seems flattering that this guy, who doesn’t seem able to maintain friendships, has “chosen” you as the object of his attentions; I know that you think that he’ll come around if you just stick with it, that you’ll benefit from his sweetness and charm, that he’s a freak, but you appreciate him and you’ll reap the rewards of that.

He won’t; you won’t.I understand how you feel, but don’t kid yourself.I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, but regardless, he’s yanking your chain, and he’ll keep doing it as long as you tolerate it.Cut him off.

[11/21/00]

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