Sarah,

The girl who wrote the vine signed “Confused, not desperate” may be dealing with someone with a neurological disorder. Sounds like the guy is either High Function Autistic or has Asperger’s Syndrome. They are both development disorders that allow the person to function normally, but not understand social norms. At all. They SUCK in social situations. It takes training for them to understand the basics most of us know by instinct, like body language and tone of voice. And forget all the polite-society things that happen with dating and friendships, they have no clue such things exist.

If she really likes him, she can try and train him. It takes a lot of work, a lot of time, and is frustrating beyond anything I can describe. It can be very rewarding. If it is one of these disorders, he isn’t being nasty on purpose and has no idea how annoying he has been.

If he hasn’t been tested, and it sounds like he hasn’t, bringing it up could be dicey. Treating him like someone with Asperger’s could make it easier to deal with him. Lots of good web sites on the subject. Most of the research is on kids, and done in England. Very little research is done on adults. It’s like they grow up and fall off the earth. The New York Times Magazine had an article titled The Little Professor Syndrome a few months ago. It could help, and it was about a local school program in NYC.

The easiest answer is to find another guy. The hardest one is to work with him. Find a psychologist who knows about the pervasive development disorders for help. Or contact the local Autism Society or Asperger’s group. Contact the Eden School in New Jersey. And good luck.

B

Dear B,

Thanks so much for writing.I’ve actually dealt with a similar situation – the guy had Asperger’s, even – and it still didn’t occur to me that Confused’s friend might be showing those symptoms.But when I go back and reread her letter, it seems like a definite possibility.

If Confused’s friend does have Asperger’s or High Function Autism, that changes everything; she can’t really take the behavior personally, because he has little or no concept of what’s “correct” in these situations.

If Confused, or anyone else, wants to learn more, try www.autism.org – the “Issues” section is informative and relevant to Confused’s questions about her friend.

[11/22/00]

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