Since you have lived in New York City, I’m sure you have some perspective on this problem.How do I treat the homeless/poor people I encounter with dignity without giving them money?I do not want to completely ignore these individuals, but I also do not want to give them cash.Also, some individuals are aggressive panhandlers who do not take a simple, “No, I’m sorry,” for an answer, in which case it seems like ignoring them completely would save me a great deal of grief.

I’ve considered printing up resources from local organizations that provide services to the homeless (I’m in Washington, DC, and there are many of them), and handing these out in response to requests for donations, but does this reaction come across as condescending or patronizing?

In short, how do you handle encounters with the homeless?Is there a way to acknowledge them without encouraging them to request money?

Trying to be decent

Dear Decent,

I suspect that, if “sorry, man” isn’t putting them off, a flyer with a bunch of phone numbers on it isn’t going to either — yeah, it’s a little patronizing, I guess, but the more salient point is that I don’t think it would be well received, and I don’t know if you want to put yourself in that situation.

The best way to handle the situation, I think, is to say, “No, I’m sorry,” and then consider that the end of it.Break eye contact; don’t respond again.They’ve asked you for money, you’ve given your answer, that’s that.

With that said, I usually just hand over the change I’ve got, but it depends on the situation and how insistent the person is and who else is on the sidewalk with me and so on and so forth.Panhandlers I know from around my neighborhood, guys I recognize, I’ll often offer to get them a buttered roll or some tea or something if I’m going into the deli anyway, but generally, if I have some coins, I give them up, and if I don’t, I say sorry and keep moving.

Everyone feels differently about how to handle that kind of thing; some people feel really strongly about not giving “street people” money and think it’s outright wrong, while others don’t see the particular harm.It’s whatever you feel comfortable with, I think, but I would draw the line at the print-outs.

Dear Sars,

I have managed to do something with my life that I always thought would be impossible: I landed a job almost immediately out of college (awesome) at a magazine that I’ve loved for many years (double awesome!). It’s a receptionist position, but with room to grow and amazing coworkers. I’ve even been offered the opportunity to do a little freelance copy editing, provided that I pass the magazine’s copy test. So I took it without preparing too much, and yeah, I didn’t do very well.

My question to you is this: I want to take the test again eventually. I’m a grammar/spelling/general word-nerd, and love copy editing. But I need to hone my skills, and outside of taking a class somewhere (which costs more than one week’s salary), I’m not sure where to begin. I wondered if you, with your infinite wisdom AND editing experience, would have any recommendations on books for editors. I’ve looked on Amazon and things like that, and have spent many hours with style guides and Strunk and White, but getting an expert opinion would be nice, too.

Sincerely,
Please ignore any grammatical mistakes in this letter, this is why I’m asking for help!

Dear Ignore,

I…really don’t, because my copy editing skills weren’t learned formally, from a book.They were learned from reading, and kind of being able to sense from that when something looked or sounded weird in a piece of writing.So, I’m not as helpful as I might be in that regard, but I would recommend grabbing a Garner, if you don’t have one already, and any book that has a listing of proofreaders’ marks.

I’d also look into taking the class anyway — and seeing if you can’t get your work to pay for it.A lot of companies will pay for you to take classes that pertain directly to what you do for them, or at least for part of it, and if they won’t pay for it, you can take it as a write-off on your taxes this year.So, you might consider tightening the belt and signing up for it; it’ll give you the tools you need in a formal setting, which might work better than trying to cobble together the skills on your own.

Dear Great and Wonderful Sars,

I had originally thought I’d wait a few more weeks to submit this question, but then I went to Borders on Monday and they had 200 kinds of Christmas cards out already and every display had snowflakes and “Makes A Great Gift!” signs and arrrrgggggghhhhh. So I’m asking now.

The holidays are coming, coming like a freight train with all their emotional baggage — family, relationships, money, religion, all those things that cause me stress. In past years, I’ve just Refused To Deal. I hibernate, I don’t go to holiday parties, I don’t decorate, I don’t send cards, I just do my damnedest to ignore the whole wretched mess. And it’s worked, to some extent, through college and grad school and being married and splitting up and being divorced.

But…

Secretly, I want to do the Full Metal Christmas thing. I choke up when I see twinkling lights. I want to spend a weekend making seven different types of cookies and decorating them with red and green sugar. I want to sing carols under my breath as my boots crunch through the snowy night. I want to be full of peace and love and eggnog. But it seems unattainable (and more than a little simpleminded) from where I am now. How can I perform a Grinch-ectomy on myself without a total personality transplant?

Signed,
Wants It To Be A Wonderful Life

Dear Life,

I must confess that I don’t entirely understand what you’re asking me here.If you want to enjoy the holidays, just…enjoy them.A lot of the fooferaw surrounding this time of year is extremely annoying, and chief among them is the pressure to act a certain way in response to everything; either you’re “supposed to be” super-happy and twinkly and full of love for mankind, or you’re “supposed to be” kind of crabby and cynical and turned off by the corporatization of Christmas and blah blah.

But, you know, thinking people understand that it’s more complicated than just one of those two reactions, and that gift-giving can get really political, and that eggnog is basically a really weird and gross substance (no judgments…I love that shit), and that all that Happy Family Time is not something everyone’s psyched about if their families aren’t happy, but at the same time that “Chrismukkah” is fun to say, and Bing Crosby is fun to listen to, and icing is fun to eat straight from the bo– er, “put on cookies.”

Just take what you like, and leave the rest.Everyone hates the crowds at the mall, and the constant carols for TWO MONTHS, but everyone loves candy-cane-striped candles.If you want to make gingerbread, do it.If you want to brood about how you wish you had a more TV-commercial-esque family to gather around the tree, do it.They aren’t mutually exclusive.Some parts of the winter holidays are really neat and others are really an ass-tear, so don’t feel like you “have to” feel a certain way about any of it.

With that said, if you’re really feeling bummed about things generally, and Christmas is pointing that up really strongly (which it has a way of doing, I think), get some counseling and talk about it.As I’ve said, it’s a fraught time of year for many many people, and if you’re not in a place where you can enjoy any of it, maybe it’s time to talk to someone about that.No shame in it.

No shame in sending me some gingerbread, either.Should you have the urge.[cough]

Sars,

I have been trying to figure out how to deal with this relatively minor
issue that’s been bugging me, and I figure you might be able to shed some
objective light.

One of my dearest friends is just a little bit in love with the way she
looks, and I find it a just a little bit annoying.I have zero problems
with being confident and aware of one’s own beauty, and I know I can be a
little vain myself. It’s a human flaw.And mostly I’m just glad she feels
so great about herself, since she’s been through a lot in life.But
sometimes, I just want to be like “Will you LISTEN to yourself? Who talks
like this?”

We’ll call her Narcissa. Narcissa is, sure, very attractive. She’s got that
movie-star sample-size bod that I’d love to have, but also has a gorgeous
voluminous head of hair and good bone structure. She’s lovely.

But she’s just so obsessed with being attractive that it gets a little
annoying.She manages to work a story about how someone or other commented
on her gorgeousness into just about every single conversation we have.”And
this guy just walked up to me and was all ‘Shit, you’re just GORGEOUS!’ and
I was like ‘oh, well, thank you I guess!’ ha ha ha, and it was just so
bizarre.”Or my personal favorite, the time she regaled me with the story
about how she was a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding and “felt guilty”
because even though she had apparently “tried to look as plain as possible,
since it was the bride’s day” everyone else kept telling her how “stunning”
she was and “not even paying any attention to the bride or complimenting
her! Can you believe that? I felt sooo guilty, ha ha ha.”

Meanwhile, my eyes are practically rolling out of my head on the other end
of the phone.

I’m not interested in dropping her as a friend. She’s an absolutely
wonderful person, one of my oldest and dearest friends and is always there
for me when I need her. She’s a great friend, and I love her.

So how do I tell her that her stories about her own gorgeousness make me
want to retch into the phone without sounding like a bitch who is just
jealous or something? Is there any diplomatic way to do this? And, now that
I mention it, do you think I really am just jealous and should just get over
it?

Best,
Remind me not to have Miss Freakin’ America in MY wedding someday

Dear Just Make Her Wear A Bag On Her Head,

I don’t think you’re “jus’ jellus,” but — apropos of nothing, really — I got to thinking while I was formatting your letter about how guys would respond to something like this.Like, do guys even do this?Does a guy’s insecurity manifest itself in this way?And would his guy friends even care if it did?Because I think men are socialized to both speak more confidently of themselves, and to not react to each other doing so by thinking, “Dude is stuck up.”

This isn’t my answer; I don’t think this is even necessarily A Girl Thing, I’m just thinking out loud.

Anyway: I think she does it because she’s insecure, honestly — because she thinks this is the only value she has, and because she really needs you to know (and hear, and sign off on) how pretty she is.This isn’t really how someone who’s comfortable with herself, and who thinks she has something else to offer besides her fine ass, talks.Not that it isn’t annoying, because girlfriend needs to get a clue as to how that comes off, but it’s annoying sad, in my opinion, versus annoying maddening.

But if this is really the only thing that’s annoying that she does, and she’s not self-absorbed aside from this — she’s not late or blowing your shit off, she just does this one thing that’s weird?Maybe you should just give her the validation she needs.”Oh, really?Well, it’s not that bizarre, you are really pretty, after all.””Oh, really?Yeah, that would be awkward, you’re right.”You know?I mean, it doesn’t really cost you anything, and maybe if she gets some love from you on that front, she’ll settle down.

And then maybe she gets to the point where you can tease her about it a little bit, or bring it up more seriously as something that you think means she’s not that happy with herself.But if she’s a good friend except for this one fillip of self-absorption, I’d just give her the biscuit she’s whining for and then change the subject.

Sars,

I have a question and you have a natural gift for
tact, a quality I seem to have been born without.

Here’s the deal: I work in an office with a few
hundred people. We have a new employee that will soon
be transferring from another branch to our office.
“Chris” is a transsexual. S/he was a man but is in the
process of becoming a woman. I have met Chris before
and s/he is very nice and professional. The problem
is, I’m not really sure how to behave. I’ve never
spent a whole lot of time with a transgendered (is
that even the right word?) person before. I’m not sure
if I should refer to Chris as “he” or “she.” I’m not
sure what topics are off-limits.

I want Chris to feel
comfortable and welcome, but I’m afraid I’m going to
accidentally say something moronic that offends
him/her. I feel bad even thinking that Chris requires
special behavior. I mean, how much of how you behave
really depends on the other person’s gender? I’m just
imagining Chris asking for directions to the restroom
and I don’t know which door to point to. I don’t want
to act like someone in an SNL “Pat” skit.

Sincerely,
I don’t even know which pronouns to use

Dear Well, “You” Is Handy,

…”natural gift for tact.”Somewhere, my mother is falling out laughing and she doesn’t even know why.Hee….Excuse me, I meant to say, “Thank you; I appreciate the compliment.”

Okay, your actual question: I can’t speak to this with much authority, so the readership should by all means enlighten me, but I believe that if a transperson is living as his/her chosen gender, that’s how you refer to him/her, regardless of his/her pre- or post-op status.So, if Chris is wearing skirts and makeup, she’s a she and that’s how you address her and refer to her.

If she needs a restroom, then, I would send her to the ladies’.Presumably she’s got that worked out, and you don’t really need to know anything beyond that.

Generally speaking, though, just take your cues from her.She’s probably already heard the most insensitive/ignorant crap you can imagine from other people, so if you make a little gaffe or feel awkward, try not to beat yourself up about it.But the same topics that are off-limits with other coworkers apply to her; it’s not like you’d ask Denise in accounting whether she’s on hormones, either (…I hope), so, you know, I don’t think you have to tiptoe around or treat her differently.She’s just a person.

Again, if anyone wants to chime in here with things the author definitely shouldn’t say or do, or anything like that, please do.

[11/22/05]

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