Speaking as a pre-op transman, I’d say just ask her how she would prefer to
be addressed.The conversation could go a little like this: “Hey, I’m not
sure how you want to be addressed and I want to be sensitive to your
identity, please help me…” I know I always feel touched when people ask me
how I want to be addressed even if I have to answer all the “I don’t
understand how this works” questions.When someone refers to me as “he”
despite the way my body presents, I feel great.Usually we are really
responsive to people who want to treat us as our assumed gender (as opposed
to our assigned gender).And even if Chris doesn’t want to get into the
particulars, I can bet that she will feel supported if you treat her like a
female.

Bathrooms are hard.I get looks no matter where I go, and I’m sure that
Chris has the same experience.If you have any unisex facilities, that
would be ideal, but if not direct her to woman’s room and let her deal with
the rest.She’s a big girl, I’m sure she’s used to it.

Thanks, on behalf of Chris, for even trying to get it “right”

Dear Thanks,

Thank you (and everyone else who wrote in) for your insights.

Several readers also suggested checking out the Human Rights Campaign’s worksheets on gender issues, which you can find here.

Dear Sars,

I was hoping I could get your opinion on something.I’ve been dating this guy, B, for almost three months now and a couple days ago I had the “I think we’re moving too fast” conversation with him.Basically what this entails is that we are to have no more sex or sleepovers for a while, I’m thinking a couple months.Since I’ve met him we’ve pretty much seen each other almost every weekday and all weekend, I usually stay over at his place for the entire weekend.We had sex like on our fourth date, which for some may not seem too soon but I kind of feel that it was too soon.

I really like this guy a lot and I guess I want to make sure it’s just not about the sex and I’d like to get to know him a little better and make sure this relationship is something we both want.There’s kind of a long backstory that goes along with this but I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.I dated K for over three years and three months after I broke up with K I met B and we started dating, he’s not the first guy I dated after breaking up with K, he was probably like the tenth guy I dated so it’s not like he was the first one I saw, but the fact that I did start dating him so soon after dumping K does sometimes worry me a bit.

Another reason I want to slow things down — I think I need to give myself some time to think about this new relationship and that I’m in it for the right reasons.When you’re with something 24/7 it’s hard to get an objective look at it.Anyways I felt like I was getting out of a serious relationship and then jumping into another one right where I left off with the last one and I didn’t want to do that.I really want to get to know B and just have fun dating him for a while before getting so serious.So we went about two months being constantly together, spending the night and having sex and then I’m all of a sudden feeling I want to slow it down and I tell him no more sleeping over or having sex for a while.

My question to you is if you think this was okay to do or am I being stupid and an ass?He handled this news incredibly well and said he would do whatever I feel we needed to do because he’s not in it for the short term and we’ve gone out since then and he doesn’t seem to be bothered.So, what do you think?Good or bad?I think I could have something really great with this guy and I don’t want to screw it up.I feel right now that this was the best thing for me to do but I’d like to know what your opinion is on slowing things down after starting off so hot and heavy and what’s a good time frame for the slowing?

Signed,
Slowing it down, good or bad?

Dear Slowing,

I don’t think it’s always good or always bad, but my personal feeling on “slowing things down” — or “taking a break” or any relationship status change of that nature — is that you can’t unring a bell, if you know what I mean.Not that it can’t work, or that you shouldn’t do it if you feel like things are getting too intense and you’re not happy.But as my friend’s mom used to say, you can’t go back to holding hands, and going from “very intimate, physically and emotionally, with someone” to “casual and just having fun” is…hard.

But if both parties are cool with it, it’s fine — and in any case, it doesn’t make you a bitch for wanting to slow things down, by any means.You just have to keep in mind that it’s kind of tricky, and you also might want to think about the fact that you dated “like ten guys” after that one breakup, and then plunged into this thing with B.There’s nothing wrong with that, per se, obviously; date like the wind if you want to, and if B’s a good guy, more power to you, but it sounds like you’re kind of having doubts your own self about whether you should be in a relationship right now, or whether the relationship with K has really been put to rest in your mind.

So, I don’t think there’s any set time frame for slowing things down; I think you should take a week or two and figure out where you’re at yourself.Don’t think of it in terms of “well, I should feel this” or “maybe I should do” that — if you want space, take it, but if what you want is B, don’t deny yourself that just because you think you “should” have taken more time with it up front.You know?Everyone’s time frame for these things in different, and one person’s time frame can vary from situation to situation; if you’re happy and everyone’s forthright with one another, just go with it.

Dear Sars,

How do you reconnect with old friends when it’s your
fault you lost touch in the first place?

Background: About four years ago I went through a pretty
tough time personally, of the “just want to curl up
and hide from the world” variety. Which is pretty much
what I did. For over a year, I just stopped answering
emails, letters et cetera from all but a few people. From my
point of view at the time, I was spending so much
energy pretending everything was fine when at work and
with family that I didn’t have any to spare. When I
eventually got my head back together (thanks in large
part to finally getting on antidepressants), I’d lost
touch with several old friends, some of whom I’d been
really close to at one time or another.

Cut to today, when I’m looking through one of those
reunion sites and see one of my old friends listed
there. I’d like to send her a note through the site,
and at least see how she’s doing, but I’m not sure
exactly what to say. Do I apologize for apparently
brushing her off? Do I explain why? Do I pretend
nothing happened — “Hi, saw your name, thought I’d drop
you a line…” Or should I just assume that she
probably considers the friendship over, and move on?

Thanks,
I Screwed Up, Can I Make It Right?

Dear Right,

Why not send a short note, saying you hope she’s doing well and explaining briefly what happened?You might have to prepare yourself for the possibility that she’s no longer interested, but most people understand that everyone goes through down times; the worst that could happen is that she just doesn’t respond.

Maybe she’s moved on definitively, but there’s no harm in finding out.

Dear Tomato Lady,

Are members of a wedding party expected to give
monetary gifts to the married couple?

Thanks,
That Doesn’t Ring Any Wedding Bells

Dear Ring,

Uh…no.I’ve never heard of that.I mean, in certain cultural traditions, you bring a money envelope to the reception (if by “certain cultural traditions,” you mean “GoodFellas“), and some people have dollar dances, but…’maids and ‘men “expected” to give the bride and groom cash?First time I’ve heard that one.

I get the feeling it’s the first time you’ve heard it, too.And that you heard it from the bride.Who is, I’m sad to say, full of it.Use the registry like everyone else.

Dear Sars,

I have a problem that I thought I’d never have once, you know, I left
eighth grade and you have a pretty good track record of calling
“bullshit,” so I thought I’d write. Here goes, as briefly as possible.

My roommate and I are best friends; we’ve known each other for years,
lived together for two and would probably go insane if we had to share
an apartment with anyone else. The problem is her friends. She has two
friends who have told her, flat-out, that they don’t like me. One of
the reasons is just because I’m her best friend and they’re mentally
thirteen and jealous. Nothing I can do about that.

Another reason for their dislike stems from a lie another girl we WERE
all friends with told them. Apparently, I was a great big ho my
freshman year of college. Never mind the fact that I didn’t talk to
this girl my freshman year in college, and that one boyfriend does not
a ho make. So for three years they’ve thought my biggest
extracurricular activity is sleeping around. Honestly, even if it were
true, I don’t know why it would matter as long as I wasn’t sleeping
with their boyfriends, but whatever.

The last reason is that they think I’m a bitch. I was friendly to them
for two years, but most of the time they just completely ignored me,
so I figured I shouldn’t strain myself trying to be nice to them. Even
friends of theirs who come out with us on the rare occassions we all
go out comment that they ignore me when I smile at them or greet them,
so they can’t really be mad when I decide not to say goodbye.

My roommate has also informed these two that I’ve tried to be nice and
that my sexual exploits are greatly exaggerated, but should I bother
saying anything? If they’re going to be this ridiculous I don’t really
feel that I should make any effort to correct these misconceptions.

However, it makes things really awkward for my roommate who quite
reasonably wants to be able to hang out with all her friends. She’s
especially concerned because she wants to throw a party and
it would make more sense to throw it at one of the other friend’s
apartments because it’s big. Of course, if they throw it
there, I won’t be invited, and if we throw it here I’m going to have to
supply booze and food for people who are going to ignore me despite
the fact that I’m the hostess.

So do I talk to them about it, be nice to them even though I think
they’re crazy, or ignore them?

Girls Weren’t This Bitchy In Middle School

Dear You Must Have Gone To A Really Friendly Middle School,

I understand that you don’t want to make things awkward for your roommate, but…this is really her problem.She chooses to spend time with people who hate her best friend, for reasons that are sexist and immature at best, so if they’re being bitches and she’s uncomfortable, that’s easily enough solved, I think.

So, stay out of it with them.If she wants to throw a party, it’s on her to deal with the social politics; she can have it at their house, knowing they won’t invite you, and live with the disloyalty, or she can have it at your house and insist that they act like voting adults because you live there, but it really isn’t up to you to enable either choice.Let her know that you’ll treat them civilly, but that how she deals with them, and with them re: you, is her job, not yours.

[11/23/05]

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