Dear Sars and Chef Stephanie,

First, Sars, love your site, Ghost Monologues, and The Vine.

My question for your Chef expert is this: I am considering making a
cheesecake for Thanksgiving this year.This is my first try at making
cheesecake and I have found a terrific pumpkin-related recipe.Can I make
the cheesecake the weekend before Thanksgiving and then freeze it or should
I make it the night before? I have had previously-frozen cheesecake before
(albeit store-bought), but wanted to be sure I wouldn’t ruin it.I also
didn’t think keeping it refrigerated from Saturday to Thursday would be a
good idea. I am guessing that I need to chill it (post-baking) for some
period before freezing for this to be done right, right?

I want to make it the weekend before so I can work on it “unrushed,” so to
say.I have two kids and work 9-5, so Wednesday night will be rushed. I am
also already making a blueberry pie and pumpkin pie on Wednesday (I love dessert;
hubby will be making most of the feast).

Thanks for your guidance!

The Dessert Goddess

Dear Goddess:

I hate pumpkin pie but I happen to ADORE pumpkin cheesecake, so I’m hungry to answer your question.

Cheesecake is easy as pie to make, but they’re really a pain in the stages following the actual baking. I mean, there’s the whole three-hour cooling-down period at room temperature before you even wrap it in plastic, and then you have to chill it in the fridge to seal in peak flavor.

But the great thing about cheesecake is that, once well-wrapped in plastic, you can actually keep it in the fridge for anywhere from four hours to four days. Just remember that the crust does start to lose its crispness after the first day, but you know what? Who cares? If we were talking about apple pie, that might be an issue, but cheesecake doesn’t rely on a flaky crust to still be delicious.

Freezing is a possibility, but you really are compromising the texture of the cheesecake. The cake part can become chalky and dry and bleh. So why spend all that time making your pumpkin cheesecake without Sara Lee’s conveyor belt at your disposal, only to relegate it to sub-par status by freezing it? Do the refrigeration thing — it’s safe and it works.

Sars,

Okay.Last year, I got out of a terrible, awful, on-again-off-again four-year relationship.I was glad it was over.Done.All though I didn’t plan on dating anyone any time soon, three months after the breakup I began dating Fella.I know, I know, but it just felt right.

Let me tell you a bit about Fella.After the roller coaster ickyness of my last relationship, Fella was a big comfy easy chair.He wasn’t too smart or too funny…he was just…nice.He comforted me and was exactly what I needed after years of being hurt.He was responsible and sweet.Sadly, the conversation wasn’t amazing and insightful.But we respected each other, had a “nice” time together, and if I may say so, the sex was amazing –- best I’ve ever had.

Fella didn’t exactly have a lot of friends, but he had a lot of acquaintances and people thought he was a “nice guy.”My friends’ proverbial socks weren’t knocked off by Fella (they also thought he was a nice guy, but rather bland and a tad cocky), but they saw that I was happy and at peace for the first time in a long time.

I fell in love with this man, Sars.Even though he wasn’t, like, seeing into my soul, I fell in love with the way he treated me, the way we clicked physically, his family, his consideration.He told me that he opened up to me more than anyone.I feel like I really got to know him unlike anyone else ever had.

So, we dated for a year.We talked about the future a bit.We bickered about little things (“Were you flirting with that girl?””I’m sorry, but George Lucas is lame.”), but it was all good.I often had creeping doubts about not having a ton to talk about with Fella, but the good outweighed the bad.I figured we’d break up eventually and end it as friends.I’ll add here that I have always been the one to end my relationships.I’ve never been dumped in my life.It’s the control freak in me, I think.Scary, no?

So in the midst of having these lingering doubts about Fella, he gets fed up with our minor bickering.He decides he just doesn’t want a relationship right now.Oh, uh-uh.Even though I knew we weren’t “meant to be” and I was having doubts of my own, this completely floored me.I felt like I had really dug deep to get to know him despite his blandness and my friends’ opinions, and now he was dropping me??I know that sounds completely self-righteous and evil.Believe me, it’s actually been quite humbling.I feel like I’m still in love with him and I’m not ready for it to end yet, even though I know he’s not “the one.”

Every time I see him, I get so angry.All the things I looked past when we were dating, I now find intolerable.I want to scream at him, “See!I loved you no matter what!Why can’t you do the same?!I understand you like no one else does!”I don’t know what to do with my anger, though, because for the past year, any anger has been subdued by him holding me and comforting me.I feel completely lost and depressed.I don’t mean to be dramatic, but I really, truly feel like shit.

So, other than asking you how I can feel better about this, there’s another twist.Three months from now, Fella and I will be working together very closely.Very.Closely.Like, he and I will live right across the hall from each other in a complex for grad students and we will be two on a staff of ten.Yeah.That’ll be fun.How do I get beyond my anger and make myself see that he’s not right for me?I feel like a sucker for investing so much of myself in this guy.I want us to be able to be friends.Like I said, he’s nice, he’s responsible, and I know he’ll be easy to work with on the professional level.We’re adults, meh.

Damn, I’m confused.Sorry that was so long.

I don’t plan on getting into a relationship any time soon –- no, really this time!

Dear Plan,

You kind of used him, and you definitely took him for granted — you don’t get to start out thinking you’re too good for him and then change the rules, I’m afraid.So, I don’t know exactly how you get over it, but you do get over it, not least because your “anger” doesn’t have all that much to do with him in the first place.

You picked him because he felt safe to you compared to the thing you’d just gotten out of.That’s the central issue here — okay, he said he doesn’t want a relationship right now, but you do, and did, even though it is and was probably premature, and you wanted guarantees that weren’t realistic, and you need to look at those things.You need to spend some time alone and maybe see a counselor and work out your shit from the relationship before Fella.On-again off-again things can really yank your chain; the unpredictability totally throws your instincts off, and you can’t recalibrate them if you jump right back into something with someone else.

It’s not that you “shouldn’t” feel angry; you feel how you feel.You miss him, and it’s sad, but take some responsibility here — you put unfair expectations on Fella to begin with, and for the wrong reasons.When the time comes for you to work together, behave civilly and professionally and gut it out and trust that it will get easier, but direct the anger where it belongs, and on your own time.

Dear Sars,

I’ve managed everything else on my own thus far, so it’s a little odd
to be writing in for advice, but you’re a cool chick, and will probably be
able to help me.

I recently got a proposal of marriage from my First Love.We’d been
together on and off (mostly off) for ten years.For a variety of reasons
(I’m too young, he’s too alcoholic, he doesn’t believe in the higher
education of women(!), et cetera), I turned him down.I know I made the right
decision, and I don’t regret it (well, not often).The problem is
everyone else.

I live in a Major Metropolis, but my mama and other family
members live in a Teeny Suburb Far Away.And First Love lives right
down the street from Mama’s house.As I’m sure you know, news travels
pretty fast in a little town like ours, and now everyone knows about FL’s
proposal, and my rejection.As if that’s not enough, they all blame me
for breaking his heart.My baby sister, who’s still in high school
there, is taking a lot of flak because of me.My mama’s already the only
divorced woman in town, and now I’ve stomped on the emotions of one of
their native sons.Now, my sister’s a tough girl, and tells me she can
manage until graduation okay.But I have to go home this
weekend for my cousin’s wedding.The whole town’s going to be there,
including FL.

What I want to know is how to make these people stop being
so hateful.I don’t mind so much that they hate me, because I’m going to
be doing my damnedest to never, ever, go back again, but the way they’re
treating my little sister makes me want to stomp.She doesn’t have much
longer there, but she used to be the most popular girl in school, and now
she’s not, and it’s all my fault.Sars, how do I fix this?

Not a Stepford Wife

Dear Wife,

You don’t.You ignore it, and so does your sister, and so does your mother, although why they would want to live in a town where people do not have one damn thing better to do than give someone’s sister shit for a personal decision that is none of their business is beyond me.

I would strongly suggest to your mom that she move if I were you, but failing that, don’t engage these people.If they see that their opinion matters, they’ll never stop offering it.

Hi Sars,

I am in serious stress mode about my dad. He is 67, retired, and lives abroad (I’m 26 and my sister is 28). My parents split about five years ago, which was fine by me because they never particularly got along.

He’s no candidate for Dad of the Year: whiny, messed up my sister’s credit, invested my college fund in a failed business, tax issues to the point that my sister and I kept having our college financial aid taken away, continued to smoke after a heart attack, couldn’t keep a job to save his life. Fun. Not an evil person per se, but he takes irresponsibility and selfishness to a whole new level.

He also has a wonderful habit of whipping up drama so my sister and I will call more often (health scares that I later find out never happened, moaning about being depressed, and so forth). Why he can’t be pleasant to talk to, not drone on and on about himself, and care about his kids so we WANT to call, is beyond me. Plus, I’m broke and international calls don’t come cheap.

My sister has given up and only talks to him a couple times a year, which leaves me in charge of Dad’s drama calls (she fields Mom’s drama calls, so we’re about even). Friday’s was a doozy: he called to tell me that he’s thinking of getting married to his 24-year-old girlfriend. Yuck, but I don’t begrudge anyone happiness. However, he knocked me for a loop when he said she wanted kids and he might go along with it.

Sars, a 67-year-old man with a history of heart disease has no business having kids. Unless he lives to be 90, he won’t be there to raise them. It’s a selfish choice, and it creates a new family that I am going to feel like I have to take some responsibility for (visiting, helping out when my dad dies, et cetera). Also, I suspect the girlfriend wants to come to the U.S. My sister thinks he is making all of this up to get attention, but what if he’s not? He claims he’s serious.

Am I totally lacking in compassion because I’m sick of him? I just don’t want to talk to him anymore, and I have no interest in getting to know this potential stepmother and potential half-siblings. It’s not like he’s ever shown much of an interest in my life (he thinks I’m still at a job I left four months ago, and couldn’t remember the names of friends I’ve had since high school). Is it ever okay to wash your hands of a parent who didn’t abuse you? Is there any way to convey to him what a terrible thing he’s considering?

My sister thinks I should just give up on him, because I’m not the parent in this situation, and I shouldn’t have to act like one. I think family is family, and I should show at least some respect and caring for my dad.

Am I a Doormat or an Ingrate?

Dear Doormat,

It’s possible to show your dad respect and caring without involving yourself in his drama.The trick is to start viewing him, and hearing what he says, a bit more dispassionately, and to end the conversation when you’ve had enough.Respect is one thing; bending over backwards to support a man who isn’t and historically hasn’t been supportive of you is another.

So, if he brings up the betty again, ask him if he’s sure it’s a good idea to marry a woman one third his age; if he gets defensive, just wish him luck and change the subject.It’s not your responsibility, and it’s not your problem.If he pisses and moans about feeling down, suggest that he get some exercise or see a counselor about going on an antidepressant; if he doesn’t like the sound of those suggestions, wish him luck and get off the call.

Your father is an adult.You can make it clear that you care about him and care what happens to him, but you don’t have to preside over every little twinge in his life; it’s not your job.Don’t take it on anymore.

Hello!

Well, really, this isn’t so important, but it’s
starting to get really irritating, so I thought I’d
get an outside opinion.

My friend, we’ll call her “Beth,” is interested in
another close friend, “Jake.”Beth accosts Jake
whenever she gets a chance, but he has flat-out told
her to get lost. This is a big step for him, he’s
really passive, but she won’t take no for an answer.

Now, where do I come in? Well, we are on a committee
that meets four times a week, and it’s just the three of
us. Beth makes Jake and me feel awkward, and it’s
especially out of line when we’re doing this for work.
I told Beth that I’m feeling like a third wheel, to
cut it out during these meetings. She agreed to do so,
but this had no impact on her behavior.

The other problem is that Jake and I spend a lot of
outside time together, and he complains about her to
me. Beth and I spend outside time together, and she
wants to analyze the things he said for hidden
meanings, as if we’re in high school again.

I’ve told both of them that I don’t want to be in the
middle of their issues, but if she won’t stop this in
meetings, I don’t know what to do. I can’t really
leave this committee; I was elected and it’s a major
fraction of my income.

Signed,
Monkey in the Middle

Dear Monkey,

I don’t think you’ve told them you don’t want to be in the middle quite forcefully enough.You need to use those exact words, and you need to start walking away or hanging up if either of them starts in on the subject of the other.They can tell it to each other, or they can tell it to their diaries, but you do not want to hear it, and won’t.Enough already.

As far as the committee goes…first of all, the expression is “fifth wheel,” just for future reference.Second of all, if you’re in a position to get Beth off the committee, it’s time to do that.She’s behaving unprofessionally, she’s refused repeated entreaties to get it together and stop making others uncomfortable…give her some consequences.

If you can’t, cut it off right away every time she starts in during a meeting.She might think you’re being a bitch, but she’s brought it on herself; put a stop to it.She keeps on with it because you don’t seem serious about shutting her up, so…get serious about it.

[11/25/03]

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