About your reaction to “Very, Very Confused,” I was wondering if you didn’t put a teeny bit too much importance on that fact Drew is a poet.It seems like a pretty insignificant bit of the story to me, and yet you made it a huge part of your response.Sure, he’s a drama queen and doesn’t treat his semi-girlfriend very well, but his ambivalence could also be a passive-aggressive “revenge” for the years of unreciprocated attraction, a kind of “ha ha who’s got the power now?” kind of reaction.

Regardless, the problem has to do with his personality, not what particular art forms he’s interested in.I fail to see what the fact he’s a lyricist has to do with anything.I apologize if I sound defensive, but not all us poets are pretentious, self-pitying bastards who use our sensitivity to somehow trick girls into liking us so we can be mean to them.

Guy who just likes words

Dear Guy,

Oh, lighten up.First of all, VVC herself said that she’s “a sucker for his poetry.”Second of all, based on what she told me about Drew, he knows full well that that’s the case, and he’s taking advantage.For her to tell herself that it’s acceptable for him to behave like a basket case because he’s So So Deep is a mistake.

And third of all, I majored in creative writing as a poet myself.I’ve heard all of the stereotypes, and I know that not all poets pull that shit, because most of us have better things to do, but believe me when I tell you, I know the type, and Drew is the type in spades.

Aaaaack! Sars! I need help quick!I have a Thanksgiving conundrum!

As brief as I can be: High School Guy Friend and I have known each other since, well, high school, and we recently got an apartment together. New Guy Friend and I have known each other for about a year, but recently started hanging out a lot. I know (or I think I know) that New Guy Friend is kinda interested in me, but I’ve drawn some lines there, and he and I have a close, platonic relationship, much like High School Guy Friend and I.

So we all hang out, or I hang out with either of them separately, but I’m the center of this teeter-totter: they’re never together unless I’m there. High School and New get along okay to each other’s faces, but New especially has hinted at a slight dislike toward High School (I don’t know if High School gets this). This peaked recently when New invited me to Thanksgiving at his house; High School was standing right there and apparently kinda got the impression that he, too, was invited. At the time, I didn’t know what I was doing for Turkey Day, but now I’ve decided to spend it with New and some of his coworkers (whom I also know, and who High School has met only through me). I figured High School would go be with his parents, anyway.

Then New comes to me (alone) last night and asks that I not bring High School to his house, partly because they don’t get along, and partly because he really doesn’t have enough food. No problem, right? Not the same crowd, and I don’t feel responsible for High School’s plans. But tonight High School says to me, “Hey, you going to New’s house? ‘Cause boy did that food sound good, I’m really tempted to go if you go.”

I don’t know what to do! I wouldn’t be leaving High School out in the cold (his parents live in town) and he does have a tendency to invite himself to things. On the other hand, New was stupid enough to bring it up right in front of the guy he didn’t want coming. I’ve made my plans for Thanksgiving, but I don’t know how to break it to High School. Actively not including him in my plans, especially in casual situations, is not something I frequently do. What do I tell him? Or do I just lie and sneak over to New’s house anyway? Help! Please!

Signed,
Wishbone

Dear Wish,

It’s going to suck, but you’ll have to tell High School that New really only invited you, not you and High School, and because New had only planned on a certain number of people, you can’t bring High School with you — there’s not enough food, and besides, wouldn’t his parents like to see him?

Just pray he doesn’t press the point, but if he does, remark as gently as you can that High School made an incorrect assumption, because he’s not invited.

Dear Sars,

I’ve learnt from past lessons that I should listen to my friends and not make judgments or tell them what to do. This time, I haven’t been asked for any help or advice, but I can’t help myself.

I’m seventeen and my friend “Sarah” is sixteen. She got kicked out of home, although she kinda had it coming, but her mom and stepdad have been most distant. She has left school since then and got fired from her work and hasn’t done anything to support herself.

I was really worried for a while, because she had gone totally off the track and was drunk all the time, stoned, and practicing unsafe sex. She was going around her mates’ houses and staying there, till eventually there would be a fight, and then she’d move on to next. Just a few days ago she rang me to say that she took a pregnancy test, and…she wasn’t pregnant. I nearly fainted. She is a vivacious party girl, but sometimes too much. And now she is engaged to a boyfriend she’s had for three weeks.

Here comes the punchline. She wants to have a baby. She wanted one since she was twelve. I told her a scenario of her having to give up the child or not being able to give what she’d like to give the child, because her 17-year-old boyfriend is still living with his parents and her along with him. He does have a job and they are going to move in to a flat soon, but a baby? She doesn’t want a lecture, and I don’t want to give her one.

I don’t know what to DO. I can’t ask anybody I know for any advice because she told me not to tell anybody about her engagement, but I figured your advice would be anonymous enough. Am I doing everything I possibly can? Which is just talking and listening? As a person of more experience with life can you suggest anything to me? I know I’m rambling, but I don’t think her situation is going to get better, and I’ve thought through lot of horrible scenarios that could happen to her.

Can somebody tell me what to do?

Non-Interferer (Not!)

Dear Non,

It’s an ugly situation.She and her parents have washed their hands of each other, and as a result, Sarah has no guidance and no stability, and she’s clinging to whatever lets her feel happy and not alone — thus the engagement and the craving for a child.Everything she’s doing is understandable, but it’s just as understandable that you see it leading to disaster and want to head that off somehow.

And here’s where I’d ordinarily say that you can’t really do anything for her — that you have to express your support and then get out of Sarah’s way and let her figure things out on her own — but she’s 16 years old, and she’s more or less a street person at this point.The business with the engagement isn’t going to end well.If she gets pregnant, that’s not going to end particularly well either, at least for the baby.At 16, she’s got no prospects for a decent job, and from what you’ve told me, she doesn’t seem particularly inclined to shift for herself anyway, relying instead Blanche DuBois-style on the kindness of strangers, and with the drinking and the drug use, I don’t need to tell you that she’s asking to get rolled, or worse.

I don’t know how good a relationship you have with your own parents, but I think you should bring them into the cone of silence.I know you told her you wouldn’t tell anyone, and she’ll get mad when she finds out, but she’s floundering around and making stupid, desperate decisions and she needs help that’s bigger than what you can provide on your own.

Tell your parents you need their help with something.Ask them to hear you out completely before they fly off the handle or start making phone calls all over the place.Tell them the situation and that you don’t know what to do, but that you don’t want to get shut out of any decisions they might make.Then just take it from there, I guess.

It’s not the most fun you’ll ever have, but it’s the best thing you can do for Sarah, I think.

Dear Sars,

I have a friend I’ll call “Hermittah.” She’s been
depressed for about a year now. Okay, “depressed” is
really not the word for it. She calls it “the black
pit of despair,” and she doesn’t want to take any
medication for it since it messes with her ability to
write. She has only tried one medication after having
been diagnosed as bi-polar and just doesn’t want to
try anything else.That isn’t my business, since only she can decide what
she’s willing to do to get over the depression.

What’s pissing me off is this: She uses the depression
to dodge any kind of responsibility in holding up her
end of the friendship. She doesn’t call anyone, except
maybe the boy she’s been chasing for four years. But she
does show up when she wants to pick my brain about
said boy. She can’t make plans because of her
depression, everything is “call me and we’ll see.”
Which is pretty shitty, because it says my time is less
valuable than hers.

So now I’ve asked her several times to just pick up
the phone and call once every few weeks. And she says
she can’t because she’s depressed. Yet she does manage
to attend meditation every week and go out to dinner
when we pay.

At this point, do I just leave it and see if she ever
gets off her ass to call me, or do I continue to
occasionally call her so I’m not the asshole “dumping”
her during her black pit of despair?

Sincerely,
Don’t want to be an asshole

Dear Want,

Okay, so she’s using you and your other friends, but you’re the asshole?

I know she’s got an illness, but it’s a manageable one, and she’s pretty clearly using it as a crutch.That’s the nature of that particular illness, unfortunately, but if she’s chosen to wallow in it in order to fuel herself creatively, well, she’s made her choice.

Tell her what you just told me — you sympathize with her plight, up to a point, but you feel used and like your time means nothing to her, and she needs to start making a nominal effort with the friendship beyond bending your ear about Hopeless Boy and eating food you’ve paid for.If she doesn’t, and you don’t get anything out of the friendship anymore, let it go.

There’s a clearly marked road out of the pit for her.She won’t take it.Enough already.

[11/26/02]

Share!