Hi Sarah,

I need your advice.I started a new job two weeks ago, and the two guys I share my cube farm with are driving me absolutely bonkers.

One is loud and constantly on the phone on conference calls.Not much I can do about him except tune him out.But the other one…he’s singing!Singing the same phrase of some pop song, over and over, all day long.”You could take my breath away” and “I could be a hero.”I don’t know what the song is, and I don’t much care — he’s driving me nuts!

In one of your recent columns, you advised a roomie to just tell her annoying roomie that whatever she was doing was bugging her.Can I do that with my coworker?Somehow I doubt it.

Help!

The Art Of No Noise

Dear Art,

Sure you can.Just do it nicely, sweetly, and apologetically, like so: “Excuse me?So sorry to bother you, but your singing is distracting me from my work and I really need to get this done before five.Would you mind terribly not singing in the work area?Sorry about that.Okay, thanks.”

He doesn’t even know he’s doing it, most likely.Ask him diplomatically if he’d mind keeping it down.It’s probably not a big deal to him.

Dear Sars,

Two things: 1) You rock! 2) I have a problem and could really use some advice from someone with a more subjective view of the situation than I have.

Background: My grandmother died this past weekend after a long and difficult illness. We are burying her in Kansas this coming weekend (out-of-state —
about a six-hour drive).My mother wants my boyfriend and me to ride with my brother and his wife their new car. We don’t want to.

I realize that this weekend isn’t about any of us — it’s about my grandmother. What we want should be secondary to the task at hand. I feel like I’m being a little selfish in not wanting to go in the same car with them, but I also feel like there is a difference between selfishness and self-preservation. If subjected to religious music (the only kind allowed in their car) and a completely smoke-free environment for most of a day, both my boyfriend and I may be ready to jump into the grave with Grandma when we finally do arrive. And when my boyfriend is unhappy he acts like a really tired four-year-old.

My boyfriend is rather uncomfortable around my brother and sis-in-law, as they are rather fundamental faith-wise, are always talking about church and the guy the saved last week or whatever, and my boyfriend is an agnostic with no desire to be saved or preached at for hours on end (he quickly takes the offensive when confronted and could undoubtedly hurt some feelings). They also drive really slow and will stop whenever and wherever they get the opportunity (they can literally turn a three-hour trip into a six-hour trip and think nothing of it). I realize that these frequent stops could be considered smoke breaks, and that I could try to make the best of a bad situation. I also realize that road trips and funerals can be stressful when not mixed together, that any relationship between my whole family and my sister-in-law is tenuous at best, and that I would like to have a weekend that is as argument-free and as peaceful and respectful as possible.

Am I wrong to want to drive separately? Am I horribly selfish? Should I suck it up and do what my mom wants? If wanting to take one of our smoke-friendly, secular-tuned radio and random-horror-novel-on-tape-listening cars is not an evil thing, how do I tell my brother, sis-in-law, and my mother that we’re going separately?

I await your advice with an open mind. Thanks!

Trying To Keep The “Fun” In Funeral

Dear Trying,

I’m sorry about your grandmother.

Okay, you’ve got two choices here.You can do what your mother wants in an attempt to keep the peace.Or you can take your own car and actually keep the peace.I think you should go with the latter.

I don’t know why your mother thinks it’s a good idea for you two to carpool with your brother and sister-in-law; if there’s a practical reason for the four of you to drive out together, you haven’t mentioned it.Yeah, it’s “about” your grandmother, but with all due respect, she’s not the one facing six hours of smoke-free proselytizing — and I don’t really see how all of you going in one car matters here.From the church to the cemetery?Okay, fine.To get to Kansas?Please.Your grandmother doesn’t care, and I don’t know why your mother should care either, with everything else going on at a time like this.Save yourself; take a separate car.

You don’t have to justify it, I don’t think.Mention in a neutral tone that you and your boyfriend have decided to drive on your own.If your family wants to know why, shrug that you just think it’s best, and change the subject.I can’t imagine they’d make an issue out of it, but if they do, you might point out mildly that perhaps now isn’t the time to get petty about driving arrangements.

I can see that you might feel guilty about the prospect of causing a fuss, but the onus of that fuss isn’t on you.Go pay your respects to your grandmother and don’t worry too much about the other stuff.

[11/27/01]

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