Dear Sars,

I have this friend whom I only know via the internet and from phone
calls. It is, though, a very real friendship, if a long-distance one,
as I’m sure you can understand. She’s going through some horribly
tough times recently — raped by the guy she was seeing for sex,
pregnant, abortion. It’s tearing her up inside. I’ve made sure she
knows that I’m here for her, if she wants to talk.

The real problem is
this — I live on one side of the Atlantic, and she lives on the other.
I work part-time. There is no way in the world I can afford to get out
there to be with her on short notice. I could conceivably borrow the
money somehow, but this would cripple me financially for months.

Do I
suck? Am I being a shitty friend for not dropping everything and
getting out there any damn way I can? I feel like there’s more I
should be doing. I’ve offered to fly out there, but I’m not convinced
she knows that I mean it. If she asked me, I would go, no matter what.
I suppose what I’m asking is — should I go anyway? Or can I be the
friend I should be, watching her pain from so far away?

Yours sincerely,
Wishing For A Magic Wand

Dear Wand,

It’s good and generous of you to want to go and make yourself available, but not going doesn’t make you a shitty friend — and going when she hasn’t asked you to is probably a mistake.

As tough a time as she’s going through, I imagine she understands the logistical difficulties presented by your visiting.It’s a long, expensive trip, and I think she probably gets that.I think she probably also gets that you want to support her, and appreciates your offer to listen if she needs to talk.

I understand that you don’t feel that’s adequate in this situation, but I suspect that if she wanted you to show up in person, she’d have asked you already, and she hasn’t — maybe because, after an ordeal like the one she’s gone through, it’s more comforting for her to have at least one friend who operates at a physical distance from the whole mess.Or maybe she’s one of those people who likes to have a little room at times like this, a little space to deal with things on her own.So, your arriving cavalry-style with the expectation of helping could seem like an imposition to her, even though of course you’d have the best intentions.

Letting her know that she’s in your thoughts, and that she can ask for help if she ever needs it, is enough, I think.

So I have this ex-boyfriend.(You must be ready to shriek any time the
words “ex-boyfriend” appear in a letter by now.)We broke up close to
six years ago, and we’ve managed to either stay friends or become friends
again.It was iffy for awhile, but we were best friends for a long time
before we dated, and it’s managed to be pretty cool.He even likes my
husband all right; they laugh at each other’s jokes and all that.

The problem is that lately he’s been talking a lot about honesty and being
there for each other.And he’s been asking me questions that leave the
realm of honesty, in my book, and enter the realm of “more than he needs
to deal with.”Whether I’m still attracted to him was the big one (I
dodged that), but there have also been questions about how he deals with
his life and what I think of that.I don’t think he needs to hear every
time I roll my eyes and think he’s a great big dork.I don’t think that’s
about honesty.I think it’s about politeness and minding my own damn
business.But he’s more than smart enough to notice when I avoid his
questions, and then he wants to talk about it more, and he wants to talk
about us and whether I feel comfortable being honest with him.I’m not
lying to this man, Sars, and I wouldn’t — there are just topics I don’t
particularly want to discuss.And he keeps saying things like, “I hope
you know you can call me, any time of the day or night.”Dude, I have a
husband.If I have a problem that isn’t with my husband, I’ll go to
my husband to talk it out.If I have a problem that is with my husband,
I’m sure as hell not calling my ex-boyfriend at three in the morning to
talk about it!

How do I get him to stop asking me for total honesty when he wants
reassurance?How do I get him to leave that shit alone?I don’t give my
friends evaluations on every aspect of their lives, and they don’t give me
evaluations on every aspect of mine.And everybody’s happy.Except the
ex.Help!

Signed,
Honest But Quiet

Dear Honest,

Tell him what you just told me.If you don’t want to discuss a given topic, say so.If he offers you support you don’t plan to avail yourself of, thank him succinctly and change the subject.

It’s not about honesty.It’s about his self-absorption, and he’s taking advantage of the fact that you don’t want to make a big deal of it, or come off “uptight,” in order to push you into conversations you don’t feel comfortable with.So, if you don’t feel comfortable with them, don’t have them.Start talking about a TV show.Leave if you have to.He does it because you let him, so stop.

He might react by whining, “Well, if we can’t speak honestly to one another, what kind of friendship do we have?” or something along those lines, at which time you might point out that it isn’t much of a friendship if he can’t respect the boundaries of what you do and don’t want to talk about, or acknowledge that your husband is the go-to guy for you now, not him.

He’s got a problem with appropriate boundaries, I think, and if you want those boundaries enforced, you’ll have to do it yourself.

Dear Sars,

I have no one else to ask about this, so I thought your advice might help me make a decision.It’s a situation where each of my two sets of friends knows (or understands) exactly half of the story.Therefore, no friendly advice.

I am a law student at a fairly prestigious university in the northeast.As a result, I have my pick of cities, if I so choose.Right now, I’m considering New York, Washington, and Philadelphia.Each has its advantages, and I can’t seem to make up my mind.

I grew up in Philadelphia.If I were to stay here, I would be in close proximity to my family.My mother is my best friend, and living in Philly would make it so I could see her often.I have a number of connections to Philadelphia — my French class, a nice apartment, et cetera.On the minus side, I’m not terribly nuts about the city, and international securities law (the area of law to which I’m headed) has a limited presence here.The other complication, to put it in an obscure way, is that there was abuse in my family, but only until I was a teenager.The friends who know say that I shouldn’t stay here, especially if I won’t “confront them,” but I don’t see why I should blame my parents for something they didn’t do.I also don’t see why I should bring up something, all these years later, that would just make them miserable, but that’s beside the point.

So, New York became another option.It’s pretty close to Philly, and I’m kind of intrigued by the crowds and the potential for anonymity.A dollar doesn’t stretch as far there, though, and I worry about making ends meet.It also seems very intimidating since I’m very young (far younger than most of my classmates) and not particularly assertive.I’ve moved to big cities like Chicago before for school, but I still worry.

Washington became the last option, mainly because I despise driving.Good public transit via the Metro is attractive to me.My parents also fully endorse it.It’s an international law center and there’s one firm there that I’ve been eyeing, although I’m unsure whether I will get an offer.

If you can, please help.You’re from Jersey and live in New York, so I figure you know all of these places fairly well.I’m incredibly conflicted and it seems like a very important decision.Especially since I’m tired of uprooting every two seconds — I want this decision to be for life.

Law Student

Dear Student,

First of all, no decision is for life, so I’d think twice about approaching it that way.

Second of all, to tell you the truth, for the first few years out of law school, you won’t spend enough time out and about in your home city for it to matter where you live.New York, Philly, Washington — they all look about the same from the inside of an office tower in the middle of the night.Associates routinely work ninety-hour weeks, at least.I have friends I haven’t seen since they passed the bar three years ago.

With all that said, I’d move to New York.I really don’t think the cost of living is an issue; as an attorney, you’ll get paid a healthy wage, and New York firms give you a bump to cover the difference in the cost of living here.You won’t have to drive, it’s a relatively short train ride to Philadelphia and your family, and I don’t think you’ll have any trouble finding firms that specialize in international securities law.It’s an easy city to learn.Summers here don’t get quite as brutal as they do in D.C.

And if you don’t like it, leave.Don’t think in such absolute terms.Cities take time to get used to, and sometimes a city isn’t right for you.Pick one and see how it goes for a year or two.

[11/27/02]

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