Hi Sars,

I’m twenty-two and currently in some heavy-duty therapy. I have a kind of complicated and scary history of anorexia, bulimia, depression, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, et cetera, all of which I’m working on. I’m making good progress, which I’m happy about, and I’m also becoming happier with and more ready to deal with my life as well. This is all the good news.

I don’t have a lot of friends, which is fine for now. I would, though, like to make more friends eventually and maybe date and all that fun stuff. How do I go about talking about all my heavy shit? Obviously, it’s not how I want to introduce myself, but it’s also a big part of who I’ve been for the last couple years. I’ve hung out with people and managed to just avoid the topic, but I have a hard time feeling close to them without going into the harder stuff. It’s one thing to be comfortable with being in a mental hospital when I’m actually in the mental hospital, but it’s different in the real world. I know that before I went through a lot of my experiences, I would have been really freaked out to meet someone like me. I’ve been really disappointed by friends in the past, and while I realize a lot of life is trial and error, I’d rather not get burned again if I can help it. I guess my questions are threefold: how can I tell whether I can trust a new friend enough to reveal my troubled past (to put it melodramatically), at what point in the relationship (be it friendship or more) should I do so, and how should I do it?

With trust and respect,
When Two Worlds Collide

Dear Two,

As far as the first part goes — how you can tell whether to trust someone with this information about yourself — you have to trust yourself and your instincts first.That’s something you can work on in your therapy, too, because it sounds like a lot of your issues are bound up with self-esteem and control, so your therapist will have some insights for you about that.These issues and experiences make you who you are, and so does the dealing with them, and you’ll get to a point with it where you’re at peace with that for better or worse, and when it’s time to share these things, in passing or in depth, you’ll know.

Confiding in people is kind of a case-by-case thing; sometimes you’ll feel like sooner is better, and other times you’ll sense that you should play it closer to the vest.So, when you do that is the same answer as whether you do it in the first place: you’ll know.

How you do it depends on what feels natural; you shouldn’t feel compelled to divulge everything at once, necessarily, or to give details you don’t feel comfortable giving, and if you tell someone part of the story and s/he wants to know more, but you don’t want to continue, you should feel okay with saying so.

Again, I think you have to take these situations as they come, and not think you need a blanket protocol or strategy for them.You’ll know when the timing, and the person, is right for you to share.

Hey Sars,

I have a bit of an etiquette question for you (I think). This is a long set-up, so bear with me (and edit freely).

About a year ago I moved out here for school and took a part-time job at a coffee shop to pay the bills. During my eight months there, I worked with another woman, “Jane.” She and I became good acquaintances over that time period. I kind of became her confidante for several problems she was having with her girlfriend at the time and other life issues. Oftentimes I would confide in her about certain things going on in my life as well, but never to the level of detail that she would provide for me. This situation was fine for me –- I prefer listening anyway and I liked to have someone to listen to in order to fill the time at work.

Eventually Jane moved back to her hometown and I left the job for another. We occasionally kept in touch via phone and after about six months she and her girlfriend broke up and she decided to come back to AZ. This was at the beginning of summer and one of my roommates was moving out, so I offered that Jane stay in her room to save some money while she found another place to stay. During this time I obtained my now boyfriend and Jane went back to working at the coffee shop 50+ hours a week. Needless to say, we hardly saw each other. She developed her own friends and had moved out by the time the lease was up three months later.

I tried to keep in touch with her as much as possible, but she had ongoing problems with her phone and we couldn’t coordinate well, et cetera. Through her MySpace I was able to see what she was up to. Apparently she had met a longtime friend from the internet, fell in love, and got engaged –- she was also going to move back to KC to live with the new boy in a matter of weeks. This all happened in the course of about three months, during which we didn’t speak to one another for various reasons mentioned above. I tried to communicate with her to meet up before she left, but it never happened and now she is happily living with her new beau in KC.

Okay, so this is where my question comes. Last week Jane finally got in touch with me through MySpace and told me about the engagement, asked for my address to send an invitation –- and then she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. WTF? I hadn’t spoken to her in months, we never got to hang out except at work…I’m a little miffed on this one. She is also going to be getting hitched in Virginia and I live in Arizona.

Aren’t bridesmaids generally supposed to be family and close friends? I know she confided in me more than I did for her, and maybe she felt more strongly about the friendship than I did, but isn’t being a bridesmaid a lot to ask of someone you barely know? Just getting to the wedding clothed would cost me about 700 dollars, not to mention gifts, hotel stay, time off of work, et cetera. I am fine with sending an RSVP that I can’t come and follow it with a gift, but bridesmaid?? I don’t know any of her friends or family, nor have I met the groom. Is it completely impolite to turn down her offer? I mean, the wedding won’t be for another year, I could certainly afford to go by then if I saved the money, but I really don’t feel that it is necessary to go in the first place. I barely know the girl outside of an eight-month stint as a barista. How do I go about letting her down gently? Or is it completely inappropriate to turn down an offer like this, especially when my only excuse is that I just don’t want to go? I can’t imagine how I would feel if a friend turned an offer like that down for my wedding, especially if they didn’t have a valid excuse.

I would appreciate any input you might have. Thanks, and I love the site!

On the Fence

Dear Fence,

I’m not sure I understand which emotion you’re having here — are you “miffed,” or are you baffled?Because you say that you don’t understand why she’d want you to be a bridesmaid, and that the friendship was pretty one-sided, but then it sort of sounds like you made a fair amount of effort to keep in touch with her and keep up with her life via MySpace, so — which is it?Do you not want to go because it’s a hassle, and you don’t want to make any more effort in this friendship?Or do you genuinely not care?

It doesn’t really matter, ultimately; I don’t think you should do it.She’s not really a close friend, you don’t really want to be there…I just don’t think it’s a great idea, and you should tell her that you aren’t able to do it, wish her the best, and let that be the end of it.

But that probably will be the end of it, is the thing — again, I don’t think you should pretend to feel a closeness there when you don’t, but it will be hard for her not to see it as a rejection or a downgrading of the friendship, so understand that that’s probably how it’s going to end up.And because that’s going to be how it ends up, most likely, you should straighten out your feelings about this woman beforehand, because I’m not sure whether you’re merely confused by this situation or whether you’re offended.And it seems like you’re not sure.Figure out what the deal is and move forward from there.

Dear Sars,

I just read your response to “It doesn’t have to be a big ring,” where you said that you didn’t see how being in a committed relationship at a young age is not experiencing life. Hallelujah. I’m in my third year of college and I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. I’m 20, he’s 23. We’ve practically lived together, but have also been separated by…you know, half the world. We’ve always been able to make it work, regardless of the circumstances. He makes me happy, I make him happy, it’s all good.

What isn’t so good is the response I get when people find out that I’ve been together with him for two years. If I have to justify my decision to stick with one guy once more, I think my head will start spinning Exorcist-style. “Don’t you want to go out and have fun?” “So, are you like…getting married then?” “I don’t think relationships ever last at our age.” It’s rude, it’s humiliating and I inadvertently end up apologising for and defending my actions. I don’t want to. I’m happy and I’d be even happier if people would just shut up and mind their own business.

Sars, you are Queen of the Comebacks — what do I say to people? How do I brush them off and let them know it’s not okay to assume and judge me and my decisions like that? Am I too sensitive? Is it not as rude as I think?

Thanks,
If I Wanted To Sleep Around, I Would

Dear Don’t Knock It ‘Til You’ve Tried It,

The tried and true non-response responses usually work best; if you lose your cool, it just “proves” to people like that that they’ve hit a nerve, whether they have or not.So, go with flat, polite non-answers like “Why would you ask me that?”, “You’ll be the second to know,” “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me,” and so on.

Yes, it’s rude, and if these people are close friends of yours, it’s probably time for you to call them on it more firmly the next time it happens — to ask them to respect your decisions, because you’re tired of the implied judgment.But if it’s just casual acquaintances, or people you meet at parties, who cares, seriously.The kind of person who makes a snotty generalization like that to your face is not the kind of person whose opinion needs to rank real high with you.If they don’t know the truth of the relationship and they don’t know the two of you, they don’t, so stop caring what they think when it’s not based on any real information.

[11/28/06]

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