Dear Sars,

I am 19 years old, and have never been in a real committed relationship. During the last year I had on-and-off relationships with two guys. With one guy we did not get very far physically, while with the other guy oral sex on both parts occurred once or twice.

Now I am with a new guy; we are not exclusive but definitely heading in that direction. l like him a lot, and it seems he likes me a lot too. We kissed about two weeks ago, and a couple days later, I went back to his place after a party and he ended up giving me oral sex. He’s very religious and does not want to lose his virginity until he is married, and as a result I’ve made the rule that we can’t both be naked at the same time. Anyhow, tonight we were making out, and he made to take off my pants, and I told him no because I have my period. So we just continued making out for awhile. In my head I was thinking that I wanted to reciprocate for him, but the truth is, the thought of giving anyone manual or oral sex makes me incredibly nervous, and I cannot bring myself to do it.

With the other guy from last year it was the same thing, but once it happened I was fine…but I was so nervous about doing it, that it took me a really long time.

I also think with this new guy, I’m a little worried that he will see me in a bad light, and I really want this to work out. I don’t want him to see me as a forceful girl, since he has never insinuated that I should reciprocate. I also don’t want to seem selfish. Basically, I’m asking how do I get over my fear of all this to just go for it so that I don’t always feel like a taker. Also, how do I go about it in such a manner as to not offend him, as he hasn’t yet implied that this is what he wants me to do.

I know this seems trivial, but it is something that worries me: that I might be cold. So even if you don’t answer this in your column, if you could write me back that would be great!

Thanks a lot,

Nervous…or something

Dear Nervous,

You’re not cold.You’re just suffering from performance anxiety.It’s totally normal and we’ve all been there — you want to do it, but you’re afraid you’ll do it “wrong,” and then he won’t like you anymore, or he’ll talk shit about you, blah blah blah.

But it’s pretty hard to do it “wrong,” in my experience, and if you don’t do it, he starts to worry — you’re not that attracted to him, he’s doing something wrong, whatever — and it becomes a vicious cycle.

First, I think you should talk to him about the fact that you feel nervous — that you want to reciprocate, but you’re worried that it won’t go well.Communication is key here.Once you’ve talked about it and allayed some of your fears, start messing around.Try a few things.Ask if he likes what you’re doing.Get him to tell you what he enjoys.

Your anxiety is completely natural, but you need to grit your teeth (okay, poor choice of words, but you know what I mean) and try to overcome it.And if he’s all, “No no NO, you IDIOT,” then he’s the jerkwad, not you, but I can’t imagine he’d do that.It’ll go fine, I promise.

I just got out of a very long-term relationship (eight years) and I’ve been looking to get back into the game.There is this one guy in my circle of friends with whom I have a great deal of sparkage and chemistry.We’ve both ignored it in the past when I wasn’t single, but now it seems to be a bit of an issue.Every time we are around each other, there’s hugging, touching, et cetera.The major difficulty is that he’s married.I personally don’t have a problem with that, but our circle of friends are extremely judgmental and nosy.He’s already made the statement that if he thought he could get away with it, he would.I just don’t want to cause grief, but I really can’t stop thinking about him.This is the first guy since the ex that I’ve felt this strongly attracted to, and I’m not sure how to cope.

Thanks,
Teleri

Dear Teleri,

Don’t do it.Do not do it.Fantasize about him if you want.Daydream about getting busy with him.Sigh.Flutter.But don’t do anything about it.

You just got out of an eight-year relationship.Now is not the time to get into it with that guy, because he’s married and you have all the same friends and you aren’t in the frame of mind for it right now.

This isn’t about the morality involved or “the right thing to do.”This is about saving yourself a boatload of aggravation down the line by making the smart choice now.Getting involved with a committed person is a bad idea for about a dozen different logistical reasons, and this particular married person sounds like kind of a sleaze, frankly.

Acknowledge the attraction, but leave it alone.”Sparkage and chemistry” isn’t a good enough reason to get into a tangle as serious as this one.

Sars,

A longtime friend of mine has invited me to her house for an extended weekend getaway.She lives in a beach town, so I’m really excited to go see her. The problem — she has a cat.Without going into my personal preferences on the cat/dog issue, the dilemma lies in that I am severely allergic to cats.Usually this is not a problem, because I’m in college and none of my friends have cats because we’re too poor and irresponsible to even take care of a damn goldfish.Growing up it was also a non-issue, since we didn’t have cats and I avoided staying long periods with friends who did have cats.So generally I take care of the cat allergy problem by steering clear of all felines.

However, two weeks ago I visited another out of town friend and upon arriving realized she had a cat. I spent Saturday night and Sunday morning with swollen, itchy eyes (amplified by my contacts), puffy face, snotty nose, and regular sneezing.It took me almost a full week to recover (I wish this were an exaggeration).I do not want this to happen again, especially since I will be staying for a longer period of time.I’ve never had to try Benadryl or any other allergy medicine, so I’m not sure if it works.Basically, I’m writing you because you are a cat owner and cat lover, and perhaps you have some cat-allergic friends.Is there anything in particular that you do or they do to survive weekend visits?Staying in a hotel is not an option because a) my friend would think I’m a freak and b) I can’t afford it.Is there any polite way to ask her to clean her house thoroughly before I get there (I don’t think she remembers I’m allergic to cats)?I understand what it’s like to have animals, and I don’t want to be a pain in the ass about this.Yet, I also don’t want to be miserable for four days.Any advice you have would be helpful!

Thanks,
Running from the kitties

Dear Running,

Ask your hostess if she’d mind vacuuming before you come down, and if she’d maybe consider taking steps to keep the cat as far from you as possible during your stay.Tell her that you have a strong allergy to cats, and while you really want to visit her and you’d hate to cause a fuss, you need to avoid a severe allergic reaction like the one you had last time.See if you can’t work something out with your friend.

Then stock up on Tavist-D (a twelve-hour antihistamine I’ve had good luck with in the leaf-mold department) and Visine, and prepare to sleep with a window open to disperse the dander.

My cats and I live in a studio apartment, so there’s just not a whole lot I can do aside from vacuuming beforehand and shooing the cats away; I ordinarily suggest that the allergic/cat-phobic make other arrangements, for their own comfort.

You’ll have to decide if it’s worth it to risk the puffiness and congestion, but if your friend can’t at least guarantee that the cat won’t sleep in the same room as you and won’t shed on your stuff, perhaps you should reconsider the trip.

[11/29/01]

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